You know the ones…where you just cant breathe?? Where inhaling takes all the effort you have and exhaling feels like you’ve been under water way too long and you have to try to remember how to breathe.
Dinner at the counter, standing, where I am comfortable. Bird is singing a little, Hec is behind me asleep on the rug, Tito across the room on his bed. The wind is blowing again and again and….again.
Yea, one of those days…
Where you turn a corner and another and another…you can’t breathe because every time you catch your breath it happens again.
When I was little my Mom had this chair. It was so big, I would put my head on one arm and curl into a ball and there was still room. It was safe. I could stay there alone forever. I could breathe, safe from the monsters and everything else that was wrong in an 8 year olds life. I need that chair today.
I tend to repeat the words “I don’t know” when I cant put together my thoughts and I cant breathe. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know….do you ever have one of those days? Where everything is overwhelming? Where it starts small and turns into some horrible anomaly?
So today is just one of those days….and when the night ends and I slip into the comfort of our bed, and the dark of the room, I will remember what it feels like to breathe again.
Peace for your Wednesday ❤
I have been thinking about flaws a lot recently. About people who point them out and how we feel when that happens. I think at some point in life we have all felt like we weren’t enough, we didn’t belong or that we weren’t wanted simply because of someone pointing out our flaws.
I always think before I speak, because of the way I have been spoken to you, The same with my actions, I stop and consider how that would feel if it was happening to me. This is the place in life I practice the pause the most.
Who are we to judge someone….anyone? What are flaws? Inadequacies? Who is someone to judge us by what they think is good enough or not?
Yes, I think this has been heavy recently.
So what if…
You don’t dress the way they think you should
You listen to music they don’t like
You laugh too loud
Or cry too much
or feel too deeply
Or work too hard with deep passion, even if its not ideal for some
We are all enough, flaws and all. We must learn this first. We must learn to accept and love ourselves wholly, which is not easy and not always a conscious thought. Your flaws are what make you perfect and at some point you will come across people who accept you…flaws and all. They will love the way you laugh and care.The way you accept people as they are, the way you love and what you stand for, Once you accept that being who you are is who you are meant to be…..you will realize that you are beautifully flawed.
And so its Saturday ❤
Who taught you to fear?
I have busied myself with little oddities tonight around the house and the echos of the eggshell dance have been present throughout the evening. I count the last few things that need to be done in the days and ahead and then the things beyond that. I am tired.
Moving, I moved so much in my childhood. So many memories discarded over the last few years and even more over the last few months. Things I never dreamed I would let go of have finally met their fate in the local landfill. I think I kept the most important things and I try not to consider the things I let go of too long or I will, like many other times, overthink. This brought up some old wounds and the dive into how and why I still practice old behaviors that also led to survival.
The eggshell dance….a learned behavior and a childhood coping mechanism. My conscious thoughts were “be quiet, be good, stay out of the way, tiptoe around the bubbling anger that could overflow at any moment”. A learned behavior to make sure I was safe. To make sure life was a little bit easier. Always watch-full, always, always aware, and always, always fearful.
Forward….I carried that learned behavior into my adult life and still practice it even today. Although I try not too, I realized tonight I still carry that programming with me. It sent me into scattered thoughts this evening, sifting, looking, digging in and trying to recall at what point I learned this or who taught me. Self taught I think, its been here so long I cant remember where it came from. It’s a thread in the fabric of my life that runs deep. I practice it more than I like to admit.
Everything will be okay, if everything is okay.
Never too much or too little, always trying to find the perfect balance and sometimes life just isnt like that. A lot, life isnt like that.
People will judge you and it will hurt. It can be a harsh judgement or a small one, sometimes the sting is the same.
So tonight I will consciously try not to spend too much more time on why I repeat this behavior and do my best to be more aware that I have no reason to be fear-full any more and just be……
Peace for your Monday evening ❤
Some days I dont want to be nice.
Some days I want to treat people like they treat me and let them wonder why some people are careless with their words and actions.
Some days I want to tell them exactly how I feel without hesitation or fear of hurting their feelings.
And Some days…
it feels good to get knocked off balance and reminded of who I am and what I am capable of. To look back and remind myself of where I came from and the strength I carry.
Some days…I take a deep breath and consider the pain those people have experienced that made them treat others terribly….and I have deep empathy for them. No matter where I’ve been or what I’ve gone through I would never hurt another human intentionally.
And some days, like today I’m grateful that I’m….
…yea, some days… like today
Peace for your Tuesday evening ❤✌
I have been feeling the pull to write, but with all the changes in life and moving I haven’t allowed myself any time to do so. Finally, finally I am here.
I met a woman several years ago that became one of my very best friends and was instrumental in my healing process, she stepped in beside me on my journey. Held me up and loved me unconditionally. And even though we don’t see each other as often as we used to there isn’t a time where we don’t stop for the other to catch some of the most private thoughts and deepest emotions this Universe presents us with.
She helped me to understand that tears were not a sign of weakness, but of immeasurable strength. There was a time when I hid my tears from everyone. A good friend said if she saw me crying she knew something was terribly wrong because I didn’t allow people to see that part of me.
I used to get in trouble for crying. When people are inconsiderate and speak to you with little respect its hurtful, and there they were..tears…a sign of deep pain. The strength it takes to sit with that pain and hold it is undeniable. So she helped me to understand that it was okay to cry, to show up and be who I am. That I was worthy of good people and things in my life.
Tears wash away the unnecessary. They cleanse the deepest wound, they comfort the lonely, they come from the well which replenishes the soul.
Touching wounds and memories..washing away the unnecessary. As recent as today… and never far from the surface.
Peace for your Wednesday evening….
I wrote this last year, the exact date is unimportant. I am clearing space for a new life and stumbled across these words this evening…it says a lot about my frame of mind then. About the place I came from and the circle I had at that time…..
Sometimes I can hardly breathe for the thoughts running through my mind. This morning I struggle with self value, my worth. I know that I am worthy of good things in life, but sometimes they are so hard to accept. Love and kindness from others are sometimes the hardest gifts to receive.
We compare ourselves to others. To what and who we hear about the most. At least this is my experience. I have to write to think this through. My emotions are unsettled, the dust has been stirred. I think this is a natural state when you step into a newness so rare that it feels like a language you have never spoken.
Life has been pretty hard sometimes. From friendships to relationships. Everyone has always wanted something…everyone. Everyone. So when someone comes and asks or expects nothing except what you are willing to give…meaning if you show kindness and love this is only what is expected in return. When you can give exactly what you expect and it is returned, that is a true gift.
Sometimes I have to…no, all the time I have to walk through and feel all the layers of emotions that are emerging. The love, sadness, disappointments..I have to let each emotion rise, feel my way around it…through it and inhale as I surface with it and release it.
Slow realization that we deserve more, better, something greater than every thing you have ever had. No more fractures, no more bruises, tears, let downs. No cheating. No more wondering who else has been or is a part of the relationship. No more watching someone while they watch someone else. No more hate, no more pain. Just no more. I released it all, refused to carry anyones baggage.
Life is different now….for me life is so different now. Many months have passed since this was written, written in the beginning of a brand new. A brand new that was terrifying because it was everything I had asked for and wanted. Consistency. Stability. Honesty. Trust. Truth. Love. Friendship. And so much more. A Brand New.
So I wonder “How is that dish best served?”
I try so hard to keep my emotions in check. To let go of things and people that rob me of my peace and some days I am not so good at it.
So our life is changing, packing and packing…emptying rooms and the life I have created in the time since my divorce. My divorce, I haven’t written much publicly about that part of my life and don’t feel it is necessary for any type of healing. I don’t feel there is anything to heal. One thing my divorce taught me was to let go of the attachment to things that I held close and I felt were important. Family history, childhood memories, just parts of my history that were easily discarded by someone. The strange part is that I cant treat people the way they treat me, I am not sure what that is. Maybe I should take a lesson in being callous…..but thats just not who I am.
There are gifts, pictures, jewelry that I have discarded or given away, but they were mine to do so with. I felt like it was cleansing bad treatment and memories. I dont want reminders or energy carried forward into the new life we are creating.
So I dreamt of the past last night. Of how my things were destroyed, thrown away, how they didn’t matter. Parts of my family history that can never be replaced. So I had to have some time to sit with what I am feeling. I am getting rid of things, a life I built on my own in the last five years and its picking at old wounds. I feel a little displaced because we are in the “in between”.
Life is fragile. And temporary. And tender. And people can be so cruel.
Where is another box? And is that the pile that’s going to be donated?
And I push on…..
Watching you from the kitchen while I wait for the coffee to finish and I drop into a moment from a year ago.
One year ago I had very little direction, something I wasn’t used to. My future seemed very unclear. The job I had disappeared and I faced a lot of uncertainties. I applied and applied. I was consumed with searching for work. It was the first time in many, many years that I had nowhere to go and no where to be.
You pass by the window where I am sitting and I think about what triggered me to come to this moment and space. It is how I feel and see myself now. And of course the way you see me, the way you love me and the random kiss in line at the store.
One year ago I never thought the life I live now was even possible. I look at my picture and I am not even the same person I was then. I was unhappy and trying to figure it out.
With the reassurance from friends, long time and recent. I picked up and filled my days with work, the gym and what little life I held together. Not really living, but existing.
I know now more than ever that I am a survivor and I have strength that a few never gave me credit for.
There was a particular conversation where I was told, “I promise you something better will be on the other side of this”. Those words will stay with me for the rest of my days and I pass them on when I can.
So the other side of this was certainty, stability, a job I love, a man who I love more and more every day. A quiet, easy balance to life that I have never felt before.
Sometimes we stay up too late and sleep in
And sometimes we talk a lot or not at all, but there is always, always something to say or share
We drive to Boulder City for breakfast and it doesn’t work out
But we are so present, in everything
So when you stuck your head in the back door I had already dropped into the moment of gratitude for the life I have now and the life I have with you.
So this life is a better life than one year ago…
Always remember that whatever struggles you experience in your life something better will be on the other side of them ….