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Something Resembling Life

It’s just the beginning…..

 

So lets grow this….this is a brief insight to me and why I am here

Writing has alway been a huge part of my life. Its saved me at the darkest… and even at the last hour. It has been my escape and my best friend too. Words alleviate the pain and help celebrate the happiness.

The earliest time in life I can really remember relying on writing was around the age of twelve and writing is still my refuge all these years later.

Throughout my blog you will find poetry…thoughts about life….celebrations and some devastations too….I am sure.

I leave you with one of my favorite Poe quotes…..

“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before”

~ Edgar Allan Poe ~

Featured post

Slow realization

And with morning came the slow realization that she would never be enough for him

She had given everything there was to give and she knew it still wasn’t enough

She always emptied her cup making sure others were happy

Overnight the bottom fell out of her cup and was slowly replaced with something new

Some long-lost new found wisdom

 

She knows what she has to offer

She knows what kind of life she is capable of building

Quiet confidence, along with sadness, bubble to the surface

It’s not about her being enough any more

She is enough for herself

What he seeks is something she doesn’t posses

He wont admit that it’s not her that he wants

He sought others in solitary time while she has been alone

And I look at her

She stands alone in the moment

strong

yet silent

With slow realization

 

 

 

 

One day

One day someone will remind you of all the wonderful things you are

The way your laugh makes them smile…

They will see you, really see you, and not need to see everyone else around you

They will remind you that you are the only one and wont plant seeds of  doubt that there are others

Your happiness will be important to them

One day you will wake up and not have to wonder if you are really wanted where you are or if you are convenient

They will see the way they light up your eyes with their smile and want nothing less for you

And one day someone will look at you and in that moment you will know you are enough without question

They will promise you for forever and deliver it

When they speak of love you will know your are loved

One day….they will be more than enough and so will you

You will stop questioning and doubting…them and your self

You will know you are loved unconditionally, the way you love will be returned

one day

And one day you wont wake up alone…

 

 

 

You

I want the taste

touch

and feel of you

I want to know what it feels like to lay next to you, spent

And to wake up to your warmth in the morning

I want to know your dreams and what drives you

I want to know your scars

trace them and kiss them tenderly

I promise you, there is nothing you can tell me that would drive me away

I dont know what draws me to you

But its unshakable

Breath taking

A common thread?

Do I see a partner to run with?

A soul with whom I resonate

Low lights and candles

Quiet whispers

tender, passionate kisses

Press up against me…you said it

I ache for you

I ache to know you

How is that possible?? I have never laid eyes on you and I am terrified of the day I do, afraid that I will need to kiss you, to touch your hands, to know your energy. I think about kissing you….your hands, your shoulders…legs…chest. Maybe it is you who can’t handle my secrets.

For now…I wait for you….and want you

 

**Sometimes we write and find it later without memory or recognition. This is one of those pieces…I brushed off the dust and this is whats left. We write about what we want…who…and things we have never had. Desire, dreams and shreds of what we think normal is…what is your normal? Do you settle?

“Feel Free”

Feel Free

I fall into my routine and think about what needs to be done. Then I drift to whats been done to me. The age of 13 keeps coming up. I read a passage in The 5 Love Languages today and thats where it all started.

“Something in our natures cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments. At the heart of humankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another”  Chapman, Gary, The 5 Love Languages

I believe that I am a likable person and a good human so when I am not acknowledged or intentionally ignored it is devastating. I took and bath and read a book, pulled a writing prompt and ended up in my 13 year old life for a few moments.

When I was 13 my Mom was married to a verbally abusive alcoholic. He would drink beer every night. And then we bought cases for the week and on Friday he started with hard alcohol.  They say that women pick men like the father or father figure in their life from 12 to 16 or maybe its 13 to 16. This makes perfect sense for me now. I have really had some time to think about the men I have had in my life. I thought I did good when “I picked” a man. You see I let the long-term relationships I have had, not a lot, pick me. Well I finally picked a man and he was….well he just was. He wasnt an alcoholic and I have my thoughts on what he did in our time…actually I know what has been to me, by admission and then by action. Actions, by all means, speak louder than words.

When we went to live with Arnold I was 12. Out of sight, out of mind. Stay quiet and in your room and you didn’t feel the repercussions for being 12 and not his biological child. If I was lucky I was ignored and that was a lot. I never realized until the last several years of my life how hurtful it is to be ignored. There are actual articles out there that say the damage of someone ignoring you is worse than physical abuse. When I am not acknowledged its like saying…”it doesnt matter if you are here, you don’t exist, you aren’t worthy of my time”. First I hurt and then I hate and I am not a hateful person. I acknowledge everyone…yes, everyone. I would never ignore someone on purpose. I have more compassion, understanding and emotions than to hurt someone like that.

I don’t know how the prompt of “Feel Free” led me to this, that’s not whats important. The flow is important, the emptying of thoughts. And whats more important is sitting with my own feelings. The feeling of not mattering, of reaching into my core and knowing I DO FUCKING matter, even if it’s not to you. Think about how you treat people….and then ask yourself how you would feel if someone treated you that way….Some people lack empathy and compassion and decent common courtesy.

Be A Good Human….<3 and yes, treat people how you would like to be treated

Peace for Sunday and all days ❤

Sense of self

There is something exhilarating about diving into the unknown. Who knows what tomorrow holds? We need to live in the moment. Dreaming in color….free falling into everything and nothing. Holding on for a while and letting go. The ground you are familiar with falls out from under you and before you know it you are alive again….dark moments fade, loneliness subsides slowly and you feel at home in your skin. I have spent countless nights alone so it’s not about being alone…but I was so lonely. I have familiarized myself with me again. Found my company enjoyable and complete. I write, I clean, I breathe and feel at home in my space. Safe from heartache for the time being. Safe from whatever lurks on the other side of my front door.

Its been a while since I have been myself, I traveled to a place of darkness and became someone I didn’t recognize. Here I am, breathing, not figuring it out, but letting it flow. Growth is powerful and lessons are necessary to realize who you are where you need to be. There is no control over what happens…it just happens. People you love hurt you and you learn what is acceptable and what isn’t. You grow wiser and stronger, you readjust your wings and begin again. A new direction, a new mindset, a brand new you.

To live a happy life….this is my desire. I have to be happy within myself before I can be happy anywhere else in life. I have to start to love me again….I know I am not unlovable although for a long time I felt that way. We are such harsh, judgmental beings when it comes to self. It’s so easy for me to love and forgive others to extremes, but when it comes to me…not so easy.

So here I am, another Thursday of my life. A good Thursday, appointments to be kept, calls to be returned and some me time.

I have a great sense of self….on this Thursday in my life.

The morning after

And I exhale. Its been a long few days. Things can change instantly….and they have. I spent last night purging/cleaning a major part of my life. Rearranging things and thinking about whats next.

I am clear in thought….I know what  I want and what I will strive for. I lost myself and my value by placing my happiness in someone else’s pocket for a while. Yes I emptied my cup taking care of others. I exhale….and know in my heart its time to replenish my cup.

I am thinking about a trip to see my family and friends for a long weekend. Maybe some lake time. I have neglected a very important person, myself. When you have to question your worth in someones life, you need to stop and question why you are in their life. To be a back burner is hurtful. So I know one thing for sure….I will never stop being me. I am a good ME….I will continue to seek the best in people even when they don’t see it in themselves. And to stop being kind…is that even possible?? Never….and so I press on.

Gym time….therapy. It feels good to push myself and challenge myself to be better and stronger. I am happy in this moment….I have made a new friend and mentor. She WRITES!!! She has ignited my creativity by showing up. I crave words and writing until the well is dry. This is my home. I have caught up with my WordPress friend and glad he is healing and finding his way. I have good women who surround me and lift me up, thats so important….I even have some very dear men in my life, who, although I cut out for a period of time, remain. Friends….I am humbled by them and will work hard to be a better friend.

Love….good love. Not so sure about it. Maybe someday, people truly can only love you as deeply as they love themselves and meet you the same….like the quote says.

I sit in silence in my home, in a sacred, safe space I have created. Its quiet, except the hum of the air conditioner. It’s a good day to begin again….

Energy and its flow….

Good Tuesday Morning

Its only 8 am and I have accomplished quite a bit this morning. It feels good. Knowing feels good too.

So this morning I have thought a lot about energy. The energy that exists in relationships and material objects from the past. Every so often I like to purge my home of objects that house energy, negative or otherwise. Sometimes its just best to let go. There is a quote out there about what you give your energy or thoughts to, negative or positive and be careful what you feed.

I have been feeding a lot of negative thoughts recently and I have become someone I don’t know very well. I have also been blessed with some amazing opportunities recently. Life is about balance, isn’t it?? I know that I am deserving of the good that has recently came into my life. The opportunity to spend time with some amazing women who share the love of writing with me and I am sure share some threads of similarity in the scars we have.

I purged some yesterday….Its freeing really. It says to me “those thoughts or memories that are attached to you (the item) do not control me and will no longer affect my thought process”.  I don’t replace anything I purge and it gives me strength to let go.

My home is starting to feel good again…there are a few more things that need to be boxed and put in the garage until I figure what to do with them…no tears, only gratitude for the lessons the people connected to them gave me.

To better days and nights ahead….

More smiles and less tears

More love and less anger

To the good things in life

Relationship grief

I have recently been asked by a young fellow writer to write more about women and our emotions or what we crave, want, need or like in a relationship.

Today I choose relationship grief. I have spoken to several of my girlfriends and feel we as women grieve our relationships long before they are over. It could be from unkept words or lies, feeling less important or just…for lack of a better word, neglected.

I believe that women require more than men. I could be wrong, because as complicated as we are, so are they. They too, will not tell you their wants or needs in some situations and I believe that is because they feel less masculine. Men fear vulnerability…I believe greater than women. I think that some men will not show you their true emotions or vulnerability because in out society that is not approved of. Such bullshit. I like a man who can step to me with his wants and needs, what he requires as a human being and I will not call him on it or make him feel less.

A majority of the women I talk to need tenderness and understanding…definitely affection and also reassurance. When we feel that we are inadequate as partners we start the proverbial pull and the beginning of the grieving process. We will grieve the relationship long before its ever over….I think we hope that things will change and get better. So we keep moving forward in hopes that our words are heard and our sadness is felt. When we ask for something several times and it doesn’t happen it becomes less important to us. We are so busy tending to everyones needs that we put our own aside and hope that you will see what we need or even attempt to show some compassion. Compliment your partner….its important. No negative criticism….even joking, because when you are genuine we will not believe you. It will feel like a buffer to the comments that have already cut deep. Once you let the words go, it’s too late. So, please, think before you speak.

There will come a point, yes this has changed from women grieving to relationships in general, when there will be nothing that will take back the hurt and neglect. It will become expected and accepted until it’s just too much and your partner will no longer be phased by it. This is the very end of the grief process….where do you go from here. In my opinion there is nowhere to go. You can not go back to the people you were in the beginning, it doesn’t work like that. You can try to heal the damage that has been done, but it takes two to work at it. If only one is trying…there is nothing left.

Listen, spend time with, hold your partner, HEAR him/hear, really listen. When they say I would like to do this or that, make it a point to do that with them. It doesn’t have to be constant but it should be a spilt on doing things the other enjoys. Spend quiet time alone with them, comfort them, lift them up. I am by no means a relationship expert, but I was married for many years and also spent time in one way relationships….and so have the women I know. There is so much more….but I think that’s enough for today….

Watch for the light in their eyes…..you will know if the grieving process has begun. I wish for all of you loving, listening and compassionate partners…. treat yourself the way you would like to be treated. After all, before we can extend these to another we must treat ourselves the same.

Happy Monday…..the best is yet to come.

My Sisters

My sisters are amazing….I have more than I can count. I have gathered and collected them throughout the years. There was a period in my life that I did not trust women and would only allow the few that were already behind the wall of trust to stay. In the last several years I have made some amazing friendships and rekindled old ones. Its amazing when many years have passed and there are some friends that never stop being there.

I have worked on myself and damaged myself. It’s a vicious cycle. I tolerate inadequate treatment by so many people and hope for the good. There are still so many inconsiderate people in my life and you can bet I would be riddled with unkind words if I pulled the bullshit on them that they pull on me. One of my favorite things is when someone doesn’t acknowledge you….kidding about the favorite part, but it does show you where you stand with someone and exactly how much they care about you. Not very much in my opinion and I am not one of those who treat people as they treat me,  so to act like they do is not an option for me. I just know you can only hurt someone so much before they are desensitized to that behavior and it no longer matters.

My sisters…..good women. Women who listen and love regardless of the choices I make. They are beautiful and have incredible hearts. I hope that I am half the friend to them that they are to me.

Recently I was having a conversation with one of my favorite blonde counter parts and I said can you imagine how happy we would be if we took each others advice…now that’s funny.

I have sisters in so many states….sometimes my heartaches to be close to them. I miss them. Life happens and we live….keeping connected through heartstrings. I miss their faces, smiles and hugs. We laugh and cry together…I am grateful for them. I suppose I am lonely for them more so tonight….life is about changes. About making yourself happy. I know what their advice would be….and I know what mine would be. When you are in a situation and aren’t sure what you should do…I think you should step out and look in. So what would your advice be to your sisters or for men, your brothers? That’s the advice you should take for yourself. Sometimes you can’t fix broken….sometimes thing continue to happen, people continue to treat you poorly and think you are not aware of it.  I wont go any deeper…I just know my sisters will lift me up when I fall. Where would we be without the support of those who loves us? I will continue to take the risk and make new friends….I will continue to risk my heart in hopes that there is someone who can hold it the way it needs to be held and reciprocate the love I have to give.

This is for you, my sisters, I honor and love you. To our good times and bad, days filled with people and lonely times too. Without you I don’t know where I would be….

It’s time for change…..

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