In the last several months my life has changed in ways that were unimaginable. I learned about uncertainty, fear, deep sadness, periodic depression, friendship and commitment…and I learned how to get up. I am one of those people who has to dive deeply into what life gives me, good or bad, tread in the waters for a time and resurface with a clear perspective on what to do and how I will survive. I have some amazing friends that stood strong and never wavered in their support of me. They were there at the darkest and are still standing next to me in my light.
So here I am, six months out. Same good, strong friendships and new ones blooming. A new direction, new job and an incredible man in my life which brings me to letting someone love you just the way you are.
Sometimes you don’t realize how damaging friendships and relationships are until you are standing on the opposite side looking back in. People will let you down, judge you and make you second guess who you are. But only if you allow it. I was untrue to myself for many years because I didn’t allow myself to “just be”. I did with my closest circle but beyond that people only saw who I allowed them to see, who I chose for them to see. People can be so judgmental and it can tear us down if we allow it to affect us. I did. The way I dressed, how I spoke, who I spent time with, how I loved myself. I lost the self-esteem and confidence I had worked so hard to build, I lost being comfortable in my own skin. I lost me.
The one thing I didn’t lose is the way I treat people. No matter how poorly someone acts I will never return that behavior to them. I will simply wish them well, close that door and push on. I have always said I will continue to risk my heart in hopes that someday someone will come and stay….
And then….oh….and then
On a humid summer day, at our half way point, we found each other. Its been constant and consistent every since. I am adjusting to this new normal. We showed up, unpacked our proverbial bags and here we are. We mirror each other in many ways, past relationships and marriages. The time lines, the me too’s, the “I can’t believe you like that too”, the creative sides of each of us. Soulfood. The way we show respect towards each other, the way we give, the way we treat others. The Universe has a funny way of giving you what you ask for, and in the end what you deserve. We are so present…We. Are. So. Present. when we are together. Was there a time before now? Past contracts completed to bring us to the present.
My point is we showed up. I never wanted someone to carry my bags, I wanted to unpack them and it be okay. So it began, without question, on that summer day. We showed up and brought a small bag to unpack. Without judgement or hesitation we laid the contents out for the other to explore. Over time we have shared the hurts, let downs, accomplishments and life experiences. Not one red flag. I look at this beautiful human and he fills me up. Our hearts open and receiving. We see each other for who we are. Imperfectly perfect human beings who didn’t give up on people and finding someone good.
So just be who you are and let someone love you, flaws and all. Take the risk, always, always take the risk and one day you will….You will arrive home. You will find, feel and experience peace and what its like to be fully accepted for exactly who you are. We took the risk and…..
Sunlight has entered our broken windows and illuminated life….
Peace for your Sunday ❤
And every day…..
When you let go, life happens
Tuning in and tuning out. Dropping into the space that I welcomed Alyse into with me, where time ceases to exist. The space I used to share with her on a weekly basis, writing. Where the inner critic has been laid to rest, where I show up wholly, without hesitation and lay the thoughts on the table and the words flow freely. The one Eric refers to as a black hole if we allow it. What a perfect place to be on this hot summer day. My space, feeling the thoughts and letting the emotions drift to the surface.
I left go and life happened…..
This morning I caught up with a girlfriend I haven’t seen in more than four months. We had a lot to say…when I left her, her words sat with me ” You know what you did right? You let go, and you are getting the life you deserve”.
I let go and life happened……
Life is good. Really, truly good. In the beginning it was an uneasy place to walk. To feel this deeply and appreciate all that is, all that has been and all that is gone. It has all led me here…to this moment. There is no waiting for the ball to drop, those thoughts which are no longer welcome here. It took me some time to realize I was allowing those situations and thoughts to create that ugliness in my life. It is easier to let go, I no longer worry about next week, next month or even next year. There is only here, the present moment, right now. Of course there are plans, dinners, lunches and trips…but thats easy, it will just come. We all risk
I let go and life happened……
I continued to risk. To feel. To believe that happiness does exists. That not all relationships are hurtful and that eventually in the prime of our lives.. we can let go and let life happen.
Peace for your Friday and for your lives ❤
It’s the quiet calm
before the flood
It’s the sound of the house
before you wake
It’s the feel of the fabric
and the hum of the air
The incense that lingers
from last night
The serious conversation
and the shared moments
of the weekend
you were gone
The way you love them
and the way you speak
The way we missed
It’s the words you’ve shared
It’s the moments,
all of them
My bed, coffee, Ambrosia whispering in the background, a full heart and thoughts that are over flowing.
When people send me words it’s the best gift in the world. The above has been sitting with me since the day I received it. Over the last few days I have been reminded how very short life is. It’s up to us to make the best of what we have while we are here. I have thought about the imprint I would like to leave here when I am gone and it would have to be that someone, somewhere finds some solace in my words and some “me too’s”.
Life is short and waits for no one.
I was lucky enough to create a friendship with an older gentleman about 12 years ago. I saw Doug on a weekly basis and he always had a kind word and some wisdom. He shared stories of his wife and children, his business, relocation to Nevada and his trials in life. He was in his 70’s and full of wisdom for those that would listen. I listened. I am a little younger than his children and I wonder if they realized while he was here what a good man he was. So life changed and I moved and didn’t see Doug very often any more, but every time I left I got the “Be good kiddo and do what makes you happy”. So a couple of days ago I found out that Doug passed. For days all I have thought about is the advice and stories. Doug’s words echo now more than ever “Do what makes you happy“.
We think we will always have tomorrow and that we shouldn’t take the risk. And then what? What if tomorrow never comes? What if you miss out on the love of your life? What if you pass up the job, the adventure or even the heartache? I believe we learn lessons from every experience if we are wise enough to really sit with it, see and accept it. If you can carry the knowledge forward it makes you wise enough to know who and what you deserve in your life.
The words from Jeff Brown resonate deeply with me this morning.
I think about my friend Vee, who said “you are like a heart with arms”. I love her!! She gets it.
I think about him and the transformation that has begun. I think about how I have shown up, wounds and all and the acceptance. I revel in the resonance of being able to open my heart fully. What is too fast at this point in life? At 48 I am more than half way there and know enough that the rest of my life will be the best of my life. Life is what we choose to make it, dwell on the negative and it will grow. Dwell on the positive, love yourself, your life and those around you and life will unfold and present you with all the goodness and happiness you are willing to accept and so deserving of.
So this is my Sunday morning……I am not so patiently waiting for 5:45 tomorrow evening.
And I will make it come true
Make a list baby, of the things I’ll do for you
Ain’t no risk in lettin’ my love rain down on you
So we can wash away the past so that we may start anew
(Love flows) Gettin’ better as we’re older
(All I know) All I wanna do is hold her
She’s the life that breathes in me”
On a humid summer day
We showed up
We threw the boundaries out the window
and had lunch
and I broke the coffee rule
We walked and talked
And it felt comfortable and right
Do you want to see me again?
and I still do, again and again
And many more of each
Mornings, evenings and nights
Planting the garden
and weeding it
Smiling with our hearts
The pot of gold
and your boys
When you are so happy you cry
And when so good,
feels so right
and You and I
Not Really There
(originally written September 2014)
There you are at the opposite end of the couch, your head tilted slightly
Your hands are strong as they hold the book you are entranced with
Your legs stretched out and propped up on the coffee table
I watch the rise and fall of your chest with every breath you take
You are wearing your favorite pajama bottoms and a cotton t-shirt that hugs you perfectly
The cool fall air has arrived
Falling leaves, a light wind is blowing
We are tucked safely into our world for the evening like bears
Warm and at ease
Loved and loving
Content with every part that is us
All of our wants and needs being met with the presence of the other
The lights dim
The smell of our life lingers in the air…..the burning candles, the faint reminder of the dinner that we shared only a few short hours before , lingering scents of my perfume and your cologne
We create this space…..our space
And as I write about us..I look again and you are not there, or here
Its me, with thoughts of how it could be
What I desire….
And in the end, I am not even really sure who you are…..
For you Alyse, because you understand the way my words work….
I stepped into the night air, the warm desert wind on my legs. One of my favorite things about a desert summer night, the warmth on my skin. In my mind I wondered what I was thinking. “Am I really doing this?” And I knew, without hesitation, the answer, the only answer. As I made the drive the mellow sounds of Santeria whispered in the back ground. My mind drifted, yes, I was heading into the unknown.
So many times before I had faced the unknown, but not like this, in some sense this was familiar. This was by choice, unknown by choice, not by force. Mostly the unknown had been situations and people who were unkind. Places where I was supposed to be safe but that was taken.
I found the place I was looking for and I entered the home. I didn’t hesitate, even though I had never been here, I didn’t feel the typical feelings of uneasiness, judgement, distrust or even fear. This place was safe, warm and inviting. The energy was even and welcoming.
Earthy…when I replay those moments. The room felt earthy and easy, no pressure. The aroma and the energy of the air were comforting and music lingered like heavy smoke. Before me were so many treasures, I admired the walls and shelves, the tables in the corner adorned with plants, gemstones, candles….the things that were important to this person who occupied this space.
The words “make yourself at home” fell from their lips. I hesitated…but the words were genuine. I continued to glance from place to place, my eyes indulging in the contents of the this space. Within minutes I removed my sandals, I couldn’t wear them any more. I needed to be grounded in the moment and all the moments to follow. I never went barefoot anywhere but home. And I was barefoot and I felt the earth..connected….I was grounded.
And then came the silver dish…full of gemstones. Many colors and textures. I asked if it was okay to touch the contents of the bowl. I turned them over and over, familiarizing myself with them. The energy, the place, the space, the human….and I was alive..finally …..and Life Begins Again.
Thank you Alyse for pushing, pulling, inspiring, breathing and walking with me. For wording with me!! For the encouragement and for helping me put that inner critic to sleep. Life feels good my friend and I miss writing with you.
Love and peace to you always ❤
So, settle in my love
into your heart
and into your skin
Sometimes its you
and only you
and that’s okay
and you will stumble
So settle into your bones
and into your truth
It’s okay to hang on
and to let go
you have realized
when everything was gone
so were they
and they will miss whats to come
because you’ve saved the best
So settle in
life is fragile
and so is love
know that times change
and people go
and we grow
So, my love, settle in
to your life
because it’s just beginning
Just a little more sadness, a little more happiness, a little less memories and just a little more letting go. Sometimes its hard to realize the value that relationships have or lack thereof when there is no benefit for the other people. It is in the depth of trial that you will see the true colors of those who claimed they cared or they have love for you. Let your circumstances drastically change and see who you are left with. Believe me when I say change will filter out your life.
So here we grow….
Growth. Sometimes painful but always necessary to push forward.
I am an observer. I watch and collect thoughts, words and actions of others. I am patient because all will be revealed in time. I listen to the words that aren’t spoken, whats in between in the still silent moments. I watch the eyes and the actions. People reveal themselves. I just have a an unhealthy knack for believing that people are different, for giving second and third….and a million chances. I am working on this habit or pattern.
This morning I have a million thoughts running through my mind. One is that some people will complain about what others do to them and turn around and treat people who are in their life the same way. I don’t understand this behavior, but it’s not mine to understand. I am collecting it for future reference so that when and if it happens again I am aware and can avoid the situation.
I suppose I am dumping head trash this morning…thinking through writing. Exploring whats leaving, hopeful for whats ahead and settling into this new place in life. It carries many different emotions.
Through this change and growth if I have learned one thing, it is that I have strength. I have stood by people and carried them when they couldn’t or didn’t want to carry themselves. I have learned at the end of the day it comes down to me. We take care of ourselves, we are responsible for our own happiness and for how we accept and allow others to treat us.
Just a little less pain
Just a lot more safe
Just a little more wise…
Peace for your Monday