For Saturdays like this….
Good coffee and conversation with you
My family, the vintage (because that sounds better) and the new
Our families together and apart
The new life we are building
Trips to Lowes and working in the yard twogether
Candles with oils, herbs and intentions burning in the kitchen
A full heart
Self-care, self-love and more healing
The people I work with and a job I love
Growth and change
For a life well lived
My thoughts have been totally immersed in our individual power and what we give our attention to. I once knew someone who thought it was unusual that I could walk away from some so easily. If someone hurts you repeatedly, disrespects you, or just treats you like you are irrelevant, give yourself permission to walk away. That is the beginning to taking back your power.
I feel that if someone discounts you enough, hurts you, uses you…whatever you want to call it, it’s okay to cut ties with them. No matter the part they have played in your journey.
“The day I chose to stop speaking their name, was the day I took their power away and took mine back. The day I chose to not respond with anger, I found peace within”.
So I move forward, an occasional memory will come up, or something will trigger me but how I choose to react is just that, my choice. I can say it is not always the best way, but it is my way.
“And the day I chose to leave the past behind me was one of the healthiest and most relieving moments in my life. No more worries about being enough for anyone but myself. It’s not to say that leaving people behind isn’t painful, but sometimes its just the best thing for you.”
Those who truly know me, know that I hold painful emotions and memories in until something brings them to the surface and only then will I spill them….just enough to ease the discomfort my heart houses.
Recently I broke…I think, no, I know I house a lot of pain that I have not allowed to surface and it overflowed. Triggers pull those deep seeded emotions from some long ago corner I have shoved them into. I know that there have been times that I haven’t made good choices in my life, but I know I have never hurt anyone with intention and never will. I don’t regret my choices, they led me to here, but it is my choice if I choose to…
“I choose not relive times before now, times that weren’t so happy. I choose not to recall times before now too often and I refuse to speak names of those that made me feel any less.”
So my thoughts right now are be mindful of the words you speak to yourself and to others….be mindful of the people and memories you give your power to.
After all, it is your power ❤
Peace for your Saturday night….
Shes just not a keeper
of old cards
Or of trinkets
from the past
She lets go
and tucks away
the memories from a long time ago place
With only little recognition of a face
Shes just not a keeper of
tears and lies
Of sad excuses and black eyes
Of what if’s and goodbyes
Old pictures and songs
Mean very little
When they no longer belong
She’s just not a keeper
Of anger and hatred
Or cruel intentions
In fact she’s just not a keeper
of honorable mentions
Shes just not a keeper of inconsistency
Nor of others who hurt people willfully
Of those who don’t know how to be friends
Or shallow people who cant make amends
And in the end
She’s just not a keeper of bad things at all
I used to be a maker…when I was healing and when I was happy.
I made a lot of things.
I have been craving that part of myself again.
I am happy
and coming home
I touch parts of my life. I feel, deeply feel, love and life. I enjoy the simple things. I even allow dark parts to surface periodically. You cannot experience great gratitude and beauty in life if you cannot embrace the darkest parts of yourself and life as well.
I don’t run from things, other than my own feelings and ever present, deep running emotions and that is only periodic. I have to allow myself time to process and then decompress and come back to the situation head on, clear in thought. The past is the past and the only thing that is important is this moment.
Healing, forever healing, learning and growing. Accepting myself and others as we are. Even the ugly parts.
So a week ago I made intention candles for a few friends and for my life partner and I. They felt good. And that was the beginning. When I touched the candles and herbs they felt good in my hands and woke the part of me that has been hidden for some time.
Soon I will be home and there will be space for me to create. He supports that part of me because we are the same. He understands the call, the constant need to create.
When you give in and feel
from your soul
In the quiet moments
You allow it all to surface
And you stand in awe
of the canvas of your life.
Peace for your Sunday evening….
My first conscious thought is of you laying next to me. My senses come alive and my eyes adjust to the morning light. I cant recall my soul feeling such deep peace.
I make my way down the hall, check the time and find the most recent book you have given me. Man’s Search For Meaning. You just seem to know what I like and what will speak to me. Yesterday when I read through the prologue I found words that spoke to me.
“Frankl saw three possible sources for meaning: in work (doing something significant), in love (caring for another person), and in courage during difficult times. ~ Harold S. Kushner
I sink into my space and into my book, sometimes reading the words twice because it is so hard to imagine one human being treating another the way they did in the concentration camps.
I hear you move and I know that our morning has arrived. I try to contain my excitement that you are up and I have probably thought of a million things to tell you in the last hour. I make coffee and make my way to you. You and I both have things to do today but you find the moments I ask for and sink into our space with me. I put my head on your shoulder and listen to you speak. I can only see the bottom portion of your face. I watch your mouth move, notice your profile and think about how much I love you and how grateful I am for mornings like this.
We move through the morning. I shower and you move about the house completing the tasks you have set before you.
At the kitchen window I think about unconditional love and how I feel it now. I always thought it never existed. My thoughts….It’s you. It’s small moments and mornings like this that I am grateful for. They make me aware of how blessed I am to share this part of my life with you. I know that we are not perfect, but yet we are in our own way.
Its mornings like this when I know that I have everything I need.
A long thin ring
and she answers
there is the voice she has heard
for as long as she can remember
and there is this day
She listens as she shares her day
she shares it more than once
but thats how it is now
and she detects what some don’t
and the woman tells her
she feels like she belongs
and she tells her she loves her
and they exchange a little more
and a little less
until she cant breathe
and they go
and she knows
the comfort of her voice
She shifts in the chair
Careful not to draw attention to herself
Her eyes cast down
She is quiet, as if she has nothing to say
But her mind runs wild through the valleys of what ifs and when
have and have nots
and never wanting to be there again
The scene is repeated
again and again
She speaks on occasion
She is triggered
I watch as she tucks the remnants of her life into a tattered suitcase
Pictures from long ago places and people that stepped beside her momentarily
Smiles in black and white that hide the hardships she has seen
Stitching in the interior that somehow holds her life together now
Sweet hands and sad eyes as she moves her treasures around from place to place
Touching the childhood
The brokenness of her days
That was always out of reach
Careful not to be in the way
Of the hustle of life
She moves forward
Never lingering long
For the place she belongs
Like liquid smoke flowing through the air
Like a dim lit room and a gentleman with a drink
Like a clear, dark night full of stars
A perfect peach on a hot summer day
Laying under a large oak, on a blanket of plush green grass
Like the last sigh before the deepest sleep
Or five pillows on a bed dressed in white
A variation of music filling the air
Or the smell of rain
Or the look in your eyes when you look at me
Or the look in mine when I look back
Like the hours that pass until I see you again
Or perhaps its the way I fall in love with you daily
Yes, something Like that