For the last few weeks I havent allowed myself the time or gathered the courage to sit down and get real with myself.
Questions come up and I lose myself in them….
Who made you feel like you werent enough? And why do you hang onto shit like that? Human beings, decent human beings should never, even in angry moments make another feel like they aren’t enough. Treatment that I have experienced surfaces in this moment. I am transported to some long ago memory, an unpleasant place in time. Fortunately it can be left where it is. In the dust and remenets of some other time.
Who made you feel like you werent smart enough? I have known people who speak to others like they have no knowledge or education. I like poeple like this as odd as that sounds, the phrase “if you give them enough rope, they will hang themselves” comes to mind. I am an observer by nature and to witness someone who thinks they know it all not really know anything at all is sometimes oddly satisfying.
Who made you feel like you were an option? Someone who you arent an option to any more?
When was it ever okay for someone to put their hands on you? I remember the first time….one of them anyway. This came a few times in life. As a young adult it was a shock. It caught me off guard, but throughout life it seems I was used to unpleasant events and so it, in some ways, seemed normal. (“Normal”, a woman I greatly admire cant stand that word…) so it became acceptable. I accepted things that were not okay.
Trauma changes us…
A normal day and a loud sound, or voice behind me when I am lost in thought and the PTSD kicks in. Sometimes it stays for days and sometimes it passes quickly. Sometimes its words. Sometimes is just sadness that sets in. An emotion finds its way to the surface where it hurts. An unhealed layer of some long ago place. Feelings of not being enough. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not good enough. I sift through them and I shove back the tears until I am alone, I quiet the sadness in the dark, and push aside the anger, because it doesn’t serve me…..because the truth is I am still healing. I find solace in words most often, and safety in the warmth of his arms, close to his heart.
There is no getting over the angry words, or heavy hands, or sheer fear inflicted by another human being. There is no getting over feeling irrelevant, second best or second choice. There is no getting over abuse, physical, mental…abuse is abuse.
There is no getting over it, only getting through it and learning to how to care for that part of ourselves that is still healing from trauma that most aren’t aware of.
So most days I wear my new life….with a quiet strength and some tenderness, knowing that I am getting through it and healing it the best way I know how.
4:30 am ……already?
4:44 am ….makeup
They bark at something outside and he comes to the door to check on me before he goes back to bed with you
5:38 am… I think about the things I need to accomplish before I leave
6:03 am…I call my Mom
6:15 am…I am at my desk, I need coffee and to put my things away
6:29 am…I think about the 31 minutes I have before the space is full and the energy shifts
8:17 am….I wonder if my girl is up…what day is it? Does she work today?
9:48 am ….I wonder what people fear
10:23 am… I glance at the phone to see if you are up yet.
Waves of emotions….random thoughts and the tasks at hand
12:10 pm …lunch now, or later?…yes, later
What to do with the hour I have. Saving, so I stay in and sit with my friend. She shares her space with me so I get a full lunch hour instead of working through. Periodic conversation about life and work.
1:45 pm… thats all??
2:00 pm…I didn’t even look at the moon last night
4:45 pm ….15 minutes to go
8:33 pm….and you call
10:23 pm…. 6 hours and 7 mins of sleep if I go now
3:03 am, really?
4:30 am ……again….already
The randomness of life and my thoughts that go with it….
You know the ones…where you just cant breathe?? Where inhaling takes all the effort you have and exhaling feels like you’ve been under water way too long and you have to try to remember how to breathe.
Dinner at the counter, standing, where I am comfortable. Bird is singing a little, Hec is behind me asleep on the rug, Tito across the room on his bed. The wind is blowing again and again and….again.
Yea, one of those days…
Where you turn a corner and another and another…you can’t breathe because every time you catch your breath it happens again.
When I was little my Mom had this chair. It was so big, I would put my head on one arm and curl into a ball and there was still room. It was safe. I could stay there alone forever. I could breathe, safe from the monsters and everything else that was wrong in an 8 year olds life. I need that chair today.
I tend to repeat the words “I don’t know” when I cant put together my thoughts and I cant breathe. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know….do you ever have one of those days? Where everything is overwhelming? Where it starts small and turns into some horrible anomaly?
So today is just one of those days….and when the night ends and I slip into the comfort of our bed, and the dark of the room, I will remember what it feels like to breathe again.
Peace for your Wednesday ❤
I have been thinking about flaws a lot recently. About people who point them out and how we feel when that happens. I think at some point in life we have all felt like we weren’t enough, we didn’t belong or that we weren’t wanted simply because of someone pointing out our flaws.
I always think before I speak, because of the way I have been spoken to you, The same with my actions, I stop and consider how that would feel if it was happening to me. This is the place in life I practice the pause the most.
Who are we to judge someone….anyone? What are flaws? Inadequacies? Who is someone to judge us by what they think is good enough or not?
Yes, I think this has been heavy recently.
So what if…
You don’t dress the way they think you should
You listen to music they don’t like
You laugh too loud
Or cry too much
or feel too deeply
Or work too hard with deep passion, even if its not ideal for some
We are all enough, flaws and all. We must learn this first. We must learn to accept and love ourselves wholly, which is not easy and not always a conscious thought. Your flaws are what make you perfect and at some point you will come across people who accept you…flaws and all. They will love the way you laugh and care.The way you accept people as they are, the way you love and what you stand for, Once you accept that being who you are is who you are meant to be…..you will realize that you are beautifully flawed.
And so its Saturday ❤
Who taught you to fear?
I have busied myself with little oddities tonight around the house and the echos of the eggshell dance have been present throughout the evening. I count the last few things that need to be done in the days and ahead and then the things beyond that. I am tired.
Moving, I moved so much in my childhood. So many memories discarded over the last few years and even more over the last few months. Things I never dreamed I would let go of have finally met their fate in the local landfill. I think I kept the most important things and I try not to consider the things I let go of too long or I will, like many other times, overthink. This brought up some old wounds and the dive into how and why I still practice old behaviors that also led to survival.
The eggshell dance….a learned behavior and a childhood coping mechanism. My conscious thoughts were “be quiet, be good, stay out of the way, tiptoe around the bubbling anger that could overflow at any moment”. A learned behavior to make sure I was safe. To make sure life was a little bit easier. Always watch-full, always, always aware, and always, always fearful.
Forward….I carried that learned behavior into my adult life and still practice it even today. Although I try not too, I realized tonight I still carry that programming with me. It sent me into scattered thoughts this evening, sifting, looking, digging in and trying to recall at what point I learned this or who taught me. Self taught I think, its been here so long I cant remember where it came from. It’s a thread in the fabric of my life that runs deep. I practice it more than I like to admit.
Everything will be okay, if everything is okay.
Never too much or too little, always trying to find the perfect balance and sometimes life just isnt like that. A lot, life isnt like that.
People will judge you and it will hurt. It can be a harsh judgement or a small one, sometimes the sting is the same.
So tonight I will consciously try not to spend too much more time on why I repeat this behavior and do my best to be more aware that I have no reason to be fear-full any more and just be……
Peace for your Monday evening ❤
Some days I dont want to be nice.
Some days I want to treat people like they treat me and let them wonder why some people are careless with their words and actions.
Some days I want to tell them exactly how I feel without hesitation or fear of hurting their feelings.
And Some days…
it feels good to get knocked off balance and reminded of who I am and what I am capable of. To look back and remind myself of where I came from and the strength I carry.
Some days…I take a deep breath and consider the pain those people have experienced that made them treat others terribly….and I have deep empathy for them. No matter where I’ve been or what I’ve gone through I would never hurt another human intentionally.
And some days, like today I’m grateful that I’m….
…yea, some days… like today
Peace for your Tuesday evening ❤✌
I have been feeling the pull to write, but with all the changes in life and moving I haven’t allowed myself any time to do so. Finally, finally I am here.
I met a woman several years ago that became one of my very best friends and was instrumental in my healing process, she stepped in beside me on my journey. Held me up and loved me unconditionally. And even though we don’t see each other as often as we used to there isn’t a time where we don’t stop for the other to catch some of the most private thoughts and deepest emotions this Universe presents us with.
She helped me to understand that tears were not a sign of weakness, but of immeasurable strength. There was a time when I hid my tears from everyone. A good friend said if she saw me crying she knew something was terribly wrong because I didn’t allow people to see that part of me.
I used to get in trouble for crying. When people are inconsiderate and speak to you with little respect its hurtful, and there they were..tears…a sign of deep pain. The strength it takes to sit with that pain and hold it is undeniable. So she helped me to understand that it was okay to cry, to show up and be who I am. That I was worthy of good people and things in my life.
Tears wash away the unnecessary. They cleanse the deepest wound, they comfort the lonely, they come from the well which replenishes the soul.
Touching wounds and memories..washing away the unnecessary. As recent as today… and never far from the surface.
Peace for your Wednesday evening….
I wrote this last year, the exact date is unimportant. I am clearing space for a new life and stumbled across these words this evening…it says a lot about my frame of mind then. About the place I came from and the circle I had at that time…..
Sometimes I can hardly breathe for the thoughts running through my mind. This morning I struggle with self value, my worth. I know that I am worthy of good things in life, but sometimes they are so hard to accept. Love and kindness from others are sometimes the hardest gifts to receive.
We compare ourselves to others. To what and who we hear about the most. At least this is my experience. I have to write to think this through. My emotions are unsettled, the dust has been stirred. I think this is a natural state when you step into a newness so rare that it feels like a language you have never spoken.
Life has been pretty hard sometimes. From friendships to relationships. Everyone has always wanted something…everyone. Everyone. So when someone comes and asks or expects nothing except what you are willing to give…meaning if you show kindness and love this is only what is expected in return. When you can give exactly what you expect and it is returned, that is a true gift.
Sometimes I have to…no, all the time I have to walk through and feel all the layers of emotions that are emerging. The love, sadness, disappointments..I have to let each emotion rise, feel my way around it…through it and inhale as I surface with it and release it.
Slow realization that we deserve more, better, something greater than every thing you have ever had. No more fractures, no more bruises, tears, let downs. No cheating. No more wondering who else has been or is a part of the relationship. No more watching someone while they watch someone else. No more hate, no more pain. Just no more. I released it all, refused to carry anyones baggage.
Life is different now….for me life is so different now. Many months have passed since this was written, written in the beginning of a brand new. A brand new that was terrifying because it was everything I had asked for and wanted. Consistency. Stability. Honesty. Trust. Truth. Love. Friendship. And so much more. A Brand New.
So I wonder “How is that dish best served?”