A long thin ring
and she answers
there is the voice she has heard
for as long as she can remember
and there is this day
She listens as she shares her day
she shares it more than once
but thats how it is now
and she detects what some don’t
and the woman tells her
she feels like she belongs
and she tells her she loves her
and they exchange a little more
and a little less
until she cant breathe
and they go
and she knows
the comfort of her voice
She shifts in the chair
Careful not to draw attention to herself
Her eyes cast down
She is quiet, as if she has nothing to say
But her mind runs wild through the valleys of what ifs and when
have and have nots
and never wanting to be there again
The scene is repeated
again and again
She speaks on occasion
She is triggered
I watch as she tucks the remnants of her life into a tattered suitcase
Pictures from long a places and people that stepped beside her momentarily
Smiles in black and white that hide the hardships she has seen
Stitching in the interior that somehow holds her life together now
Sweet hands and sad eyes as she moves her treasures around from place to place
Touching the childhood
The brokenness of her days
That was always out of reach
Careful not to be in the way
Of the hustle of life
She moves forward
Never lingering long
For the place she belongs
Like liquid smoke flowing through the air
Like a dim lit room and a gentleman with a drink
Like a clear, dark night full of stars
A perfect peach on a hot summer day
Laying under a large oak, on a blanket of plush green grass
Like the last sigh before the deepest sleep
Or five pillows on a bed dressed in white
A variation of music filling the air
Or the smell of rain
Or the look in your eyes when you look at me
Or the look in mine when I look back
Like the hours that pass until I see you again
Or perhaps its the way I fall in love with you daily
Yes, something Like that
Sorting through my emails just now, I came across the last two and the the prompt sisterhood caught me right away. This is the second time today this word has found its way to me… Its been too long since I have been able to spend time with you writing….so this prompts for you.
The ease of the chair, the music filtering through the air. Sisterhood, my friends, my sisters by marriage, but oh..my…sister. Her name is Cindy and I have had her in my life for the last 7 years. I flip through the images in my mind. The time she came to visit and we had our pictures taken. I look at her and look for me. In the beginning we shared all of our “me too’s”, likes and loves, gains and loses. We are so similar and very different. She is one of my biggest cheerleaders and my confidant. She is 21 years older than me, but the years fall away between us. We missed so much and gained so much when we connected. She is beautiful and kind, she loves people and people love her. My sister ❤
Alyse, she is my sister too. She pulled me through the self conscious door when it came to my writing. She watched and allowed me to feel my way through the process of shutting down my inner critic who was concerned with what others thought about my wiring. I admire her, her gifts and her friendship. She is one of many. The Sisterhood, the intuits, the executives, the homegirls, the chicks I love. The Green is for you One. The Rain washes away the unnecessary one, the strawberry shortcake one, the lick your face one. The Pittsburgh one. The artist. The writer. The supportive. The blonde one. The three of them. The German and the French ones. I honor all of my sisters. They all bring something very unique to the table and always a lot of love.
So this prompt is for you Alyse….I miss prompts with you.
The house is still and quiet this evening which allows me time to sift through the many thoughts and emotions that have been surfacing over the last few weeks. My partner is at work and my first senses were the way his shirt smelled when he left this afternoon. The smile I am greeted with on an almost daily basis and sweet kisses after a brief absence or when we are parting.
Music filters through his space, which he has so freely given me to write in this evening. Its comforting to know I sit where he sits, I see what he see’s, but more over to just feel his presence in this space.
I have no particular direction in which to write tonight, usually I have something that is weighing on me that needs to come to life…thats it Life.
Life is so fragile….so precious and happens so quickly.
“The currency of life is not money but time and love. Remember time is finite, but you are blessed with infinite love” ~Debasish Mridha
Over the last week or so I have been reminded of how precious our time here is. The children that lost their father in the middle of his life. The young woman and her brother who just lost their mother. I think of people who I hold close…the mother who lost her daughters, his Dad, a best friend who was able to stay a year longer than he was given, her Dad, his Mom, my Aunt and Uncle. We waste so much of our time holding grudges and hating. Forgetting that this is time and life that we are robbed of on our own accord. I know it may sound cold, but I have found that it is easier to walk away from those that have hurt you rather than stay connected and continuously suffer because of them. You will empty your own cup by continuously giving to others. Love and respect yourself enough to let go.
Life waits for no one…..
Figuring shit out
Peace for your Sunday evening
We talk about people who hurt people, sometimes…
I have been thinking a lot about broken people today. Left unhealed or unwilling to do self-work and practice self love, they continue to break others. I know many women and men who have been broken and have given up on the thought of finding someone they can love and will love them in return.
Before I really got to know my life partner, a young woman I know spoke powerful words to me. She said “you will meet someone someday who wont need you to fix them and they wont want to fix you”. Our conversation continued about fixing other people and about the broken continuing to break people. I often think about the men and women who treat each other poorly and my first thought is….”how would you feel if this was done to your child, family member or friend?”. So the partner cheats, would you want your son or daughter to experience the heartache of someone she loves treating him or her this way?
There are so many broken people in this world and they continue to break the innocent because in some warped sense they justify their actions. I have said it before and it just came to mind again, “If you wouldn’t like it or want it done to you, DON’T DO IT!”.
Acceptance…….In order to accept others I think we need to truly accept ourselves, all of our darkness and all of our light. We need to look back at the past and take the lessons that have been presented and move forward with that knowledge. Every obstacle and triumph will teach you something if you are willing to look. Someone will treat you like you are irrelevant and unloved only to show you what you really deserve, someone will treat you like you are not intelligent because they are intimidated by your knowledge. Someone may hold you down until you have no choice but to come up for air, fighting for yourself. We are all human and all worthy of valuable, healthy relationships with people who appreciate us.
Risk….Without risk there will be no reward. Even though you have been hurt, betrayed or broken, however you want to define it, you must find the strength to move beyond it. Self-care. There was a time I painted, or created in some way, my steadfast method of self-care takes the form of writing. It always has and will always be where I find the medicine of life that heals me. Replenishes the layers that have been peeled away. There was a time I sat for hours tying Mala’s (prayer beads). Seems interesting now to realize I was healing while tying prayer beads, but for a time thats where I found peace. I think we need to find an outlet and in it we will find the inner peace that was interrupted by circumstances within and beyond our control. Once I felt like I had time to process and decompress from life’s little messes I was able to consider risking again. I made new friends, after losing trust in old ones, I dated again…after, well, just after. That was risk-taking again to me. Finding strength to trust others in the aftermath of so much pain.
Happiness……Finally. I have been presented with a tremendous amount of happiness. For the first time I really feel like I am living the life I deserve. I never really felt like I deserved good things, I am not sure why. I just felt like I didn’t. I have a lot of good now….just incredibly good. All the bad situations laid ground work and taught me important lessons. I really appreciate the sweetness of life. Unhealed people taught me how they can and will break you, because that is all they know. I think these lessons, however painful, are important. I have learned how to let go, how to risk, and how to trust again. I know how to love and I now know what it feels like to be loved for who I am.
Someday, if you experience broken people, you need to find the strength to try again after you have taken care of yourself. Meet your needs, put yourself first, discover who you are, and find inner peace. You will find them, your people, the ones who know what it feels like to be broken and who would never inflict the pain they have felt on another. You will find people who you can trust, who you can love and love in return, who wont hurt you. And most importantly, wont bleed on you.
Peace in your Saturday evening…..
Over the last few days words keep coming to the surface and I think of things I want to write about. As we approach another new year all I could think of was people in my life or people that I have connected with on some level and what I wish for them. So this is my list:
My wish for you is that…..
- You realize that you are stronger than you think and capable of incredible things
- You never accept less than you deserve and never let anyone treat you poorly
- You will always know contentment and a deep inner peace
- You know my love is unconditional, steadfast, and true
- You listen to the quiet inner voice that guides you
- Your children realize what a good woman you are, how much you do for them, and that they are more patient with you
- You NEVER let anything hold you back
- You realize not all men/women are bad, and that sometimes extraordinary hellos can come after really hard goodbyes
- You start treating people better and learn to make meaningful connections
- Your heart heals
- You find what you are looking for
- You understand the pain you cause others, and that its no longer okay or acceptable
- You value yourself
- You love yourself
- Small things in life are meaningful, these are the true gifts
- You know what it feels like to be loved completely
- You stop waiting for someday, its up to you to reach for what you want and more so what you deserve
- You know that there are two sides to every story, and that some people aren’t as bad as you have been told
Just a few random wishes for some people I know….
Otherwise my wish for you is….a life you love, full of contentment and happiness.
Peace for your Tuesday evening ❤
As this year comes to a close I can only feel gratitude for the many changes I have experienced. The heartaches and happiness, the highs and lows. Especially the challenges that made me aware of what I am made of and the strength I carry.
I think of the masks that fell away to reveal the true intentions of those I thought I knew so well. The sad goodbyes and amazing new hellos.
My days are now filled with happiness, a few small bumps here and there, as expected. But nothing I cant handle. I am more present than I have been in some time. Sometimes we need experiences to knock us off of our center in order to appreciate the important things in life, including ourselves. I was knocked off of my center several times over the last few years and forgot who I was. I tolerated situations and behavior I didn’t deserve. But things would change…..
I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, to teach us or for us to teach them. No matter what I have been handed I still believe in the goodness of people. Its true that the way a person treats you says nothing about you, but everything about them.
2018 has taught me a lot. Things change……jobs, relationships, friendships…nothing is permanent but change. Sometimes you have to hit bottom, be treated poorly by people you care for, lose a job and friends. Experience extreme sadness and grief, despair and hopelessness to realize whats truly important in life. Small gifts, your child’s smile, the voice of your Mother pushing you forward because she believes in your greatness and that you can handle anything you are dealt. That you have always figured shit out and that says a lot about who you are. The courage to let go of that which no longer serves you or makes you happy. To realize that “YOU DIDN’T FAIL, YOU SUCCEEDED”.
It also taught me that there is someone out there for all of us. My someone came after a strange night, for both of us. One was giving up and one was trying again…..and there we were. We took a chance and here we are. There are so many things I could say about him, but he knows my heart and intentions as I know his. I clearly know what falling in love feels like now. I fall in love with him in moments. Moments when he is talking intensely about his family or life, or sitting in silence, when he isn’t even with me or when he is sleeping soundly next to me. When he speaks to someone when we are out, when he laughs….every layer and every person he is…I love.
So I believe that life can only get better…. “Sunshine comes to all who feel rain”.