There is something exhilarating about diving into the unknown. Who knows what tomorrow holds? We need to live in the moment. Dreaming in color….free falling into everything and nothing. Holding on for a while and letting go. The ground you are familiar with falls out from under you and before you know it you are alive again….dark moments fade, loneliness subsides slowly and you feel at home in your skin. I have spent countless nights alone so it’s not about being alone…but I was so lonely. I have familiarized myself with me again. Found my company enjoyable and complete. I write, I clean, I breathe and feel at home in my space. Safe from heartache for the time being. Safe from whatever lurks on the other side of my front door.
Its been a while since I have been myself, I traveled to a place of darkness and became someone I didn’t recognize. Here I am, breathing, not figuring it out, but letting it flow. Growth is powerful and lessons are necessary to realize who you are where you need to be. There is no control over what happens…it just happens. People you love hurt you and you learn what is acceptable and what isn’t. You grow wiser and stronger, you readjust your wings and begin again. A new direction, a new mindset, a brand new you.
To live a happy life….this is my desire. I have to be happy within myself before I can be happy anywhere else in life. I have to start to love me again….I know I am not unlovable although for a long time I felt that way. We are such harsh, judgmental beings when it comes to self. It’s so easy for me to love and forgive others to extremes, but when it comes to me…not so easy.
So here I am, another Thursday of my life. A good Thursday, appointments to be kept, calls to be returned and some me time.
I have a great sense of self….on this Thursday in my life.
And I exhale. Its been a long few days. Things can change instantly….and they have. I spent last night purging/cleaning a major part of my life. Rearranging things and thinking about whats next.
I am clear in thought….I know what I want and what I will strive for. I lost myself and my value by placing my happiness in someone else’s pocket for a while. Yes I emptied my cup taking care of others. I exhale….and know in my heart its time to replenish my cup.
I am thinking about a trip to see my family and friends for a long weekend. Maybe some lake time. I have neglected a very important person, myself. When you have to question your worth in someones life, you need to stop and question why you are in their life. To be a back burner is hurtful. So I know one thing for sure….I will never stop being me. I am a good ME….I will continue to seek the best in people even when they don’t see it in themselves. And to stop being kind…is that even possible?? Never….and so I press on.
Gym time….therapy. It feels good to push myself and challenge myself to be better and stronger. I am happy in this moment….I have made a new friend and mentor. She WRITES!!! She has ignited my creativity by showing up. I crave words and writing until the well is dry. This is my home. I have caught up with my WordPress friend and glad he is healing and finding his way. I have good women who surround me and lift me up, thats so important….I even have some very dear men in my life, who, although I cut out for a period of time, remain. Friends….I am humbled by them and will work hard to be a better friend.
Love….good love. Not so sure about it. Maybe someday, people truly can only love you as deeply as they love themselves and meet you the same….like the quote says.
I sit in silence in my home, in a sacred, safe space I have created. Its quiet, except the hum of the air conditioner. It’s a good day to begin again….
Good Tuesday Morning
Its only 8 am and I have accomplished quite a bit this morning. It feels good. Knowing feels good too.
So this morning I have thought a lot about energy. The energy that exists in relationships and material objects from the past. Every so often I like to purge my home of objects that house energy, negative or otherwise. Sometimes its just best to let go. There is a quote out there about what you give your energy or thoughts to, negative or positive and be careful what you feed.
I have been feeding a lot of negative thoughts recently and I have become someone I don’t know very well. I have also been blessed with some amazing opportunities recently. Life is about balance, isn’t it?? I know that I am deserving of the good that has recently came into my life. The opportunity to spend time with some amazing women who share the love of writing with me and I am sure share some threads of similarity in the scars we have.
I purged some yesterday….Its freeing really. It says to me “those thoughts or memories that are attached to you (the item) do not control me and will no longer affect my thought process”. I don’t replace anything I purge and it gives me strength to let go.
My home is starting to feel good again…there are a few more things that need to be boxed and put in the garage until I figure what to do with them…no tears, only gratitude for the lessons the people connected to them gave me.
To better days and nights ahead….
More smiles and less tears
More love and less anger
To the good things in life
I have recently been asked by a young fellow writer to write more about women and our emotions or what we crave, want, need or like in a relationship.
Today I choose relationship grief. I have spoken to several of my girlfriends and feel we as women grieve our relationships long before they are over. It could be from unkept words or lies, feeling less important or just…for lack of a better word, neglected.
I believe that women require more than men. I could be wrong, because as complicated as we are, so are they. They too, will not tell you their wants or needs in some situations and I believe that is because they feel less masculine. Men fear vulnerability…I believe greater than women. I think that some men will not show you their true emotions or vulnerability because in out society that is not approved of. Such bullshit. I like a man who can step to me with his wants and needs, what he requires as a human being and I will not call him on it or make him feel less.
A majority of the women I talk to need tenderness and understanding…definitely affection and also reassurance. When we feel that we are inadequate as partners we start the proverbial pull and the beginning of the grieving process. We will grieve the relationship long before its ever over….I think we hope that things will change and get better. So we keep moving forward in hopes that our words are heard and our sadness is felt. When we ask for something several times and it doesn’t happen it becomes less important to us. We are so busy tending to everyones needs that we put our own aside and hope that you will see what we need or even attempt to show some compassion. Compliment your partner….its important. No negative criticism….even joking, because when you are genuine we will not believe you. It will feel like a buffer to the comments that have already cut deep. Once you let the words go, it’s too late. So, please, think before you speak.
There will come a point, yes this has changed from women grieving to relationships in general, when there will be nothing that will take back the hurt and neglect. It will become expected and accepted until it’s just too much and your partner will no longer be phased by it. This is the very end of the grief process….where do you go from here. In my opinion there is nowhere to go. You can not go back to the people you were in the beginning, it doesn’t work like that. You can try to heal the damage that has been done, but it takes two to work at it. If only one is trying…there is nothing left.
Listen, spend time with, hold your partner, HEAR him/hear, really listen. When they say I would like to do this or that, make it a point to do that with them. It doesn’t have to be constant but it should be a spilt on doing things the other enjoys. Spend quiet time alone with them, comfort them, lift them up. I am by no means a relationship expert, but I was married for many years and also spent time in one way relationships….and so have the women I know. There is so much more….but I think that’s enough for today….
Watch for the light in their eyes…..you will know if the grieving process has begun. I wish for all of you loving, listening and compassionate partners…. treat yourself the way you would like to be treated. After all, before we can extend these to another we must treat ourselves the same.
Happy Monday…..the best is yet to come.
My sisters are amazing….I have more than I can count. I have gathered and collected them throughout the years. There was a period in my life that I did not trust women and would only allow the few that were already behind the wall of trust to stay. In the last several years I have made some amazing friendships and rekindled old ones. Its amazing when many years have passed and there are some friends that never stop being there.
I have worked on myself and damaged myself. It’s a vicious cycle. I tolerate inadequate treatment by so many people and hope for the good. There are still so many inconsiderate people in my life and you can bet I would be riddled with unkind words if I pulled the bullshit on them that they pull on me. One of my favorite things is when someone doesn’t acknowledge you….kidding about the favorite part, but it does show you where you stand with someone and exactly how much they care about you. Not very much in my opinion and I am not one of those who treat people as they treat me, so to act like they do is not an option for me. I just know you can only hurt someone so much before they are desensitized to that behavior and it no longer matters.
My sisters…..good women. Women who listen and love regardless of the choices I make. They are beautiful and have incredible hearts. I hope that I am half the friend to them that they are to me.
Recently I was having a conversation with one of my favorite blonde counter parts and I said can you imagine how happy we would be if we took each others advice…now that’s funny.
I have sisters in so many states….sometimes my heartaches to be close to them. I miss them. Life happens and we live….keeping connected through heartstrings. I miss their faces, smiles and hugs. We laugh and cry together…I am grateful for them. I suppose I am lonely for them more so tonight….life is about changes. About making yourself happy. I know what their advice would be….and I know what mine would be. When you are in a situation and aren’t sure what you should do…I think you should step out and look in. So what would your advice be to your sisters or for men, your brothers? That’s the advice you should take for yourself. Sometimes you can’t fix broken….sometimes thing continue to happen, people continue to treat you poorly and think you are not aware of it. I wont go any deeper…I just know my sisters will lift me up when I fall. Where would we be without the support of those who loves us? I will continue to take the risk and make new friends….I will continue to risk my heart in hopes that there is someone who can hold it the way it needs to be held and reciprocate the love I have to give.
This is for you, my sisters, I honor and love you. To our good times and bad, days filled with people and lonely times too. Without you I don’t know where I would be….
It’s time for change…..
Sunday afternoon and I have contemplated this post all day and if it even existed.
Today is another day for me, nothing special, just a day. I woke up and looked through social media and every post is about Fathers and how wonderful they are. I cannot relate to one…not one single post. Those of us who had unhappy childhoods will not relate to those of you who knew or had a constant father in your life.
My biological father was never a part of my life in any way. I am grateful that my sister has not posted about her wonderful father today. When I first met her, and I love her beyond anything, she told me what a wonderful man he was. (I only found my sister 7 years ago and a DNA test confirmed we share a father) He was always helping other children or coaching children’s sports. It was not intentional, but it hurt. This wonderful man never looked for me, never cared how I grew up or with who. I was irrevocably damaged by my step fathers. It is a wonder that I even try to love or trust at all? Or that I still walk this earth? Yes….I forgive and try again….WHY? Gluten for punishment? Or that’s just what most men do, so its a normal thing in my life. I am tired….of giving and trying to right wrongs that are not mine to right.
I slept horribly and got up early. Made it to the gym and here I am….I am exhausted from all of it. It’s not only about him….its about a lot of things in my life. Today, this morning, he was the driving force in my unhappiness. I am grateful for the people in my life, the good things, my daughter….I know if my life would have been any different I wouldn’t have what I have now….even though it’s not all good, there is a lot of good. He missed out on me and my girl. Would he have been proud? It doesn’t really matter….that gives him more power than he even deserves. Some days I don’t think of him at all….some days I am still pissed off at him and some days I pity him. The man who couldn’t face all of his actions (I have another half-brother, 12 years older than me, that is the result of one of his affairs)….he gets power only today when I am angry at him. Tomorrow I will start anew and leave him in the back of my mind until another day.
Happy Father’s Day to all of the MEN who truly are Fathers and to the men who do everything to be involved in their child or children’s lives. Its your day…to the good men.
Here I am….back again. I am in such a different place than I was a few months ago. I have a lot of pain, anger and hurt brewing under the surface. In a heated conversation last night I felt my heart cracking wide open…I built up that crevice as quickly as I could. I know it will surface and when it does it will bring me to my knees. Its coming and it wont be pretty and I am sure I will be alone….always. I hate to show my tears…..and weakness. People will prey upon you….
So I will make several of my posts private and will invite with a password for those of you I know its safe to share with. I am opening my platform up publicly through my Instagram and Facebook shortly. I need to protect feelings and also myself. A lot of my family is unaware of a lot of the things I have experienced throughout my life. You see, I was taught at a young age to be a secret keeper. Still protecting them….what it is wrong with me?? Old habits die hard.
I have missed my friends here…..word lovers. So its time to fill my need with words. I will be doing some writing with time prompts or just prompts and sharing what I feel is worthy….I have been told to share what I deem unworthy as well.
Peace for now….
On a plain piece of notebook paper…she came home.
She wrote all of her desires and needs to be cast into the great unknown on the night of the full moon
She never asked for much, very little in fact
A kind heart and hand
Someone to love and protect her….not hurt her
It seems for so long she attracted the self destructive people
the damaging, the abusive….
the irrevocably broken themselves
All she wanted was what she gave returned to her….
But she didn’t need to tell someone
She needed the someone to see her and know
So, tonight, on the night of the full moon when the energy was at its peak…
She asked for what she longed for…she asked for everything she knows she deserves
As she lit the flame and let it all go
She sensed peace within her soul
and sensed love of self
She needed to bestow the compassion on herself that she so easily gave away
She forgave her self for trusting too much, for trying too hard
She forgave herself for being way to hard on herself and letting others be hard on her
She came home to the woman…not the damaged little girl…
She was at ease in her own skin for the first time in a very long time
She came home
I knew for days what my next post would be about….about love.
That all changed…..a few words and actions and that shit isn’t as important as it once was. So here I am on a Friday night lost in thought and drifting in a river of words. Maybe this should be about love….is there such a thing as good love? Does it matter?
Yes, it’s about love
If you would have asked me months ago what love would feel like, I was so sure it would be earth-shaking, weak in the knees, breathless love. Then a few days ago I thought, thought, that maybe love was easy and silent and slipped in when you least expected it, from someone you never imagined loving or loving you. Maybe it was the quiet storm that crept up on you and grew daily. I am not so sure…..I LOVE YOU and LOVE YOU. Is there a difference? I have heard there is. I love you….for your partner, the one your heart loves, Love you….a friend or a buddy. Someone you hang out with, pass time with, but you aren’t really in love with.
And then there is never enough…what happens when you know that you are never enough for someone? You Are Never Really Enough..then what?? Where do you go with that? When you ache for words…kind words, not cutting remarks or negative jabs. When you ache for a little something kind and affectionate….an extended hug or glance that’s more than…just more.
Alone and lonely…big difference. You can come home alone, to an empty house, or you can eat alone, shop alone, go out alone or stay in alone. Lonely….it happens everywhere. In a room full of people. Next to someone you think cares. Across the table from your family, shopping, going out or staying in lonely.
Yes, happiness is temporary and fleeting….Love, what is that? The purest form is for my daughter. Beyond that? What is love?
Enough for tonight….