Tuesday..October 4th…the 278th day of the year
After a semi crazy morning and coming out of a sad place over the last few days, today has been pretty good so far. I waited and worked a little, time killin…and waited some more.
You call me every morning….you are the beginning and ending of my every day. My constant and I love you. We chatted, you made sure I was okay, and I am. Someday, maybe, I can tell you why I struggle the way I do. Maybe, someday, you will understand. I can’t talk to you the way “we” talk to each other here…people would think I hate you. You, my darkness, are my amazing man. Are you still talking??
I took my Mom, who just turned 88 last month, to have an MRI. Our relationship has not always been easy. She made a lot of choices during my childhood that had some horrible effects on me that I still struggle with at 46. It is what it is and we have done the best to paste together a Mother-Daughter relationship in the last 3 years. So as I was a frazzled mess of “I have to go here, and there, do this and that” she looked at me with my hair a tied up mess and told me how beautiful I was this morning. Out of the blue…she took me by surprise. When I feel like this and she see’s me…wait…she “SEE’S” me. I do love her, bad decisions/choices and all. I used to think I would be okay when her time here was done..I wont. She has shared more with me in my journey of healing about her life and I can now understand why she is the way she is. The damage that was done to her by her family and the damage that continued with me. Women are vicious sometimes and I don’t understand why. My Mom hasn’t had the best girl friends in her life…but I dont think she really knew how. I believe it starts within. I love the women in my life and I have some bat shit crazy friends (those are some of the best). Bipolar, manic, menopause, ADD…you name it…they are my tribe. Any way, this morning, my Mom , in her words told me she loved me and thought I was pretty. A rarity, a gift. I am glad for the days we can be Mother and Daughter and I truly grateful for the days we can be girlfriends.
Here’s to tough family relations…sometimes, sometimes we can come out the other side better ❤
(this is my favorite picture of my Mom at 19 at my Granparents farmhouse in rural Ohio)