I have recently been asked by a young fellow writer to write more about women and our emotions or what we crave, want, need or like in a relationship.
Today I choose relationship grief. I have spoken to several of my girlfriends and feel we as women grieve our relationships long before they are over. It could be from unkept words or lies, feeling less important or just…for lack of a better word, neglected.
I believe that women require more than men. I could be wrong, because as complicated as we are, so are they. They too, will not tell you their wants or needs in some situations and I believe that is because they feel less masculine. Men fear vulnerability…I believe greater than women. I think that some men will not show you their true emotions or vulnerability because in out society that is not approved of. Such bullshit. I like a man who can step to me with his wants and needs, what he requires as a human being and I will not call him on it or make him feel less.
A majority of the women I talk to need tenderness and understanding…definitely affection and also reassurance. When we feel that we are inadequate as partners we start the proverbial pull and the beginning of the grieving process. We will grieve the relationship long before its ever over….I think we hope that things will change and get better. So we keep moving forward in hopes that our words are heard and our sadness is felt. When we ask for something several times and it doesn’t happen it becomes less important to us. We are so busy tending to everyones needs that we put our own aside and hope that you will see what we need or even attempt to show some compassion. Compliment your partner….its important. No negative criticism….even joking, because when you are genuine we will not believe you. It will feel like a buffer to the comments that have already cut deep. Once you let the words go, it’s too late. So, please, think before you speak.
There will come a point, yes this has changed from women grieving to relationships in general, when there will be nothing that will take back the hurt and neglect. It will become expected and accepted until it’s just too much and your partner will no longer be phased by it. This is the very end of the grief process….where do you go from here. In my opinion there is nowhere to go. You can not go back to the people you were in the beginning, it doesn’t work like that. You can try to heal the damage that has been done, but it takes two to work at it. If only one is trying…there is nothing left.
Listen, spend time with, hold your partner, HEAR him/hear, really listen. When they say I would like to do this or that, make it a point to do that with them. It doesn’t have to be constant but it should be a spilt on doing things the other enjoys. Spend quiet time alone with them, comfort them, lift them up. I am by no means a relationship expert, but I was married for many years and also spent time in one way relationships….and so have the women I know. There is so much more….but I think that’s enough for today….
Watch for the light in their eyes…..you will know if the grieving process has begun. I wish for all of you loving, listening and compassionate partners…. treat yourself the way you would like to be treated. After all, before we can extend these to another we must treat ourselves the same.
Happy Monday…..the best is yet to come.