In my 49th year

In my 49 years of life I’ve learned a lot.

Age 5 : I learned that not all adults are kind and wont keep you safe from the monsters. Many times they are monsters.

Age 8: Abused children are predators too.

Age 12: Step parents aren’t always the best parents.

Age 13: Some friends will always be your friends.

Age 16: People continue to reiterate that they aren’t kind. Some lessons repeat themselves.

Age 18: Some things aren’t as significant as you think they are. Twenty years from 18 a lot of shit wont matter. Don’t give it too much thought or time.

Age 20: Black eyes still show through makeup

Age 22: You wait for 6 years

Age 28: The most amazing experience, I became a mom.

Times change, a lot happens, good and bad. Family will treat you terribly and you will tolerate it because, well, because they are supposed to be family.

Age 47 and 364 days: My boy leaves after 14 years with me. There will never be a time I will ever completely let go of him. Buster was my constant, unconditional love for 14 years….fourteen years. And then this year not one but three new brown-eyed boys show up and open the places in my heart I couldn’t feel and maybe didn’t want too. Animals heal.

Relationships change, people come and go, and so do we.

Age 48: Yes, I knew it would be different. I wasn’t sure how, but I knew. Sometimes I just didn’t even want to be here any more. It was enough, people you trust break you. Friends aren’t really, never really were, friends. So I ask my Creator for change, for something better, not realizing that the storm was coming. It took me a couple of months to come up for air. My Mom, my friends, the good in my life held fast. It was time to let the falseness fall away and some of those ties would hurt when they let loose. Time to get up. I never really laid down for long, just long enough to gather my breath and thoughts, to figure out what was coming next.

A new job comes. I am tested, and I swim. I love what I do and the people I work with. Sure there is stress and obstacles, but when isn’t there? We are a good community working for the betterment of human beings. And I am learning!!! Who could ask for more? Jobs change, sometimes abruptly without warning. You are left spinning, trying to figure out what’s next. Time ticks by and a new job appears, new friendships are weaved. Life starts looking better.

I want more and less, and more. So easy, more good…people, friends, happiness. Less unhappiness, self-doubt, judgement from those around me. And more. And. More. I was seeking, I just always knew…..someone would come. I just didn’t know when.

And its Friday and I look at you and my first thought is “How lucky am I to love this human?” There isn’t an answer that would tell the entire world what is in my heart for you. I have had time to reflect and I was thinking that, for the first time, in a long time, I don’t feel the need for a safe place. I know that with you I am safe, there is no fear of hurt or betrayal, no lies and no one else. I don’t have to wonder where you are when we aren’t together, what you are doing or if there is someone else. I know what it feels like to be loved without condition. You don’t want to control me and allow me the freedom to be exactly who I am without judgement. But most importantly we only expect from each other what we are willing to give. Gosh, I love you ❤ and everything about you. We are imperfectly perfect. You are my steady hand, constant heart and my Walk On the Wild Side. There have been many firsts with you and I look forward to many more.

Steady rhythms of life, growth, love…all of it.

So here is to my 49th year. Life just keeps getting better. I have been through a lot and wouldn’t trade one single moment of any of it for the place I am in now. It’s all been worth it just to get to this point.

So, um, yeah….49 looks good ❤

Peace

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