I have been apprehensive about coming here, about emptying the clutter I have collected in my head and heart over the last several months. I know my inner critic is at its very best as of late…but what the hell!!
Why should I fear what someone will think?
So I was working on this piece about being 50 and all the bits and pieces that brought me to that point in time. Birthdays haven’t always been good, not that they have been horrible…but some of them were just another day. Ruined by alcohol, as a lot of things in this life have been.
So I sit in the middle of our huge bed and reflect on a lot…a lot of good and bad in the last 50 years…and I will be okay, because I always am, somehow, I always am. Just when I think I cant take any more I summon the strength to handle the next thing.
I am tired, really fucking tired.
I thank my Creator for routine, it helps me make it through. I am thankful for the people who see me, really see me, and are still here. I have an amazing community of kind and loving people who surround me daily, from the moment I wake up, until my head hits the pillow at night. Those who know my character and who I am, who haven’t wavered, who are steadfast and true.
Life shifts and changes. Trust is given and broken. People…well, some people just aren’t good. I have survived a lot of shit in this life and I am still here, how? I have no idea, but I am.
So write hard about the things that hurt….
My best childhood friend who I have know for 37 years is losing her Mom as I put these words down. My heart breaks for her. Cancer is a vicious bitch. I cant even hold her….I can only be here for her.
My sister…my poor, sweet sister. She lost her Mom in February and her husband a week ago. Her heart is broken and she is alone….so far from me.
And being afraid to write because I may hurt someone…..what about me? I hold it in and I destroy myself because this is how I HEAL….I write and write and write and at some point it makes sense.
The truth is I am hurt and reaching a breaking point. I cry when I am alone, a lot more than I will ever admit.
And I am angry, so fucking angry. You never know what people will do to you. And I am tired of being guarded because people are just shitty sometimes.
I am just really tired….its enough already.