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Something Resembling Life

Fathers Day

Sunday afternoon and I have contemplated this post all day and if it even existed.

Today is another day for me, nothing special, just a day. I woke up and looked through social media and every post is about Fathers and how wonderful they are. I cannot relate to one…not one single post. Those of us who had unhappy childhoods will not relate to those of you who knew or had a constant father in your life.

My biological father was never a part of my life in any way. I am grateful that my sister has not posted about her wonderful father today. When I first met her, and I love her beyond anything, she told me what a wonderful man he was. (I only found my sister 7 years ago and a DNA test confirmed we share a father)  He was always helping other children or coaching children’s sports. It was not intentional, but it hurt. This wonderful man never looked for me, never cared how I grew up or with who. I was irrevocably damaged by my step fathers. It is a wonder that I even try to love or trust at all? Or that I still walk this earth?  Yes….I forgive and try again….WHY? Gluten for punishment? Or that’s just what most men do, so its a normal thing in my life. I am tired….of giving and trying to right wrongs that are not mine to right.

I slept horribly and got up early. Made it to the gym and here I am….I am exhausted from all of it. It’s not only about him….its about a lot of things in my life. Today, this morning, he was the driving force in my unhappiness. I am grateful for the people in my life, the good things, my daughter….I know if my life would have been any different I wouldn’t have what I have now….even though it’s not all good, there is a lot of good. He missed out on me and my girl. Would he have been proud? It doesn’t really matter….that gives him more power than he even deserves. Some days I don’t think of him at all….some days I am still pissed off at him and some days I pity him. The man who couldn’t face all of his actions (I have another half-brother, 12 years older than me, that is the result of one of his affairs)….he gets power only today when I am angry at him. Tomorrow I will start anew and leave him in the back of my mind until another day.

Happy Father’s Day to all of the MEN who truly are Fathers and to the men who do everything to be involved in their child or children’s lives. Its your day…to the good men.

 

Today

Here I am….back again. I am in such a different place than I was a few months ago. I have a lot of pain, anger and hurt brewing under the surface. In a heated conversation last night I felt my heart cracking wide open…I built up that crevice as quickly as I could. I know it will surface and when it does it will bring me to my knees. Its coming and it wont be pretty and I am sure I will be alone….always. I hate to show my tears…..and weakness. People will prey upon you….

So I will make several of my posts private and will invite with a password for those of you I know its safe to share with. I am opening my platform up publicly through my Instagram and Facebook shortly. I need to protect feelings and also myself. A lot of my family is unaware of a lot of the things I have experienced throughout my life. You see, I was taught at a young age to be a secret keeper. Still protecting them….what it is wrong with me?? Old habits die hard.

I have missed my friends here…..word lovers. So its time to fill my need with words. I will be doing some writing with time prompts or just prompts and sharing what I feel is worthy….I have been told to share what I deem unworthy as well.

Peace for now….

Andrea

And she came home….

On a plain piece of notebook paper…she came home.

She wrote all of her desires and needs to be cast into the great unknown on the night of the full moon

She never asked for much, very little in fact

A kind heart and hand

Someone to love and protect her….not hurt her

It seems for so long she attracted the self destructive people

the damaging, the abusive….

the irrevocably broken themselves

All she wanted was what she gave returned to her….

But she didn’t need to tell someone

She needed the someone to see her and know

So, tonight, on the night of the full moon when the energy was at its peak…

She asked for what she longed for…she asked for everything she knows she deserves

As she lit the flame and let it all go

She sensed peace within her soul

and sensed love of self

She needed to bestow the compassion on herself that she so easily gave away

She forgave her self for trusting too much, for trying too hard

She forgave herself for being way to hard on herself and letting others be hard on her

She came home to the woman…not the damaged little girl…

She was at ease in her own skin for the first time in a very long time

She came home

Love. Alone. Lonely.

I knew for days what my next post would be about….about love.

That all changed…..a few words and actions and that shit isn’t as important as it once was. So here I am on a Friday night lost in thought and drifting in a river of words. Maybe this should be about love….is there such a thing as good love? Does it matter?

Yes, it’s about love

If you would have asked me months ago what love would feel like, I was so sure it would be earth-shaking, weak in the knees, breathless love. Then a few days ago I thought, thought, that maybe love was easy and silent and slipped in when you least expected it, from someone you never imagined loving or loving you. Maybe it was the quiet storm that crept up on you and grew daily. I am not so sure…..I LOVE YOU and LOVE YOU. Is there a difference? I have heard there is. I love you….for your partner, the one your heart loves, Love you….a friend or a buddy. Someone you hang out with, pass time with, but you aren’t really in love with.

And then there is never enough…what happens when you know that you are never enough for someone? You Are Never Really Enough..then what?? Where do you go with that? When you ache for words…kind words, not cutting remarks or negative jabs. When you ache for a little something kind and affectionate….an extended hug or glance that’s more than…just more.

Alone and lonely…big difference. You can come home alone, to an empty house, or you can eat alone, shop alone, go out alone or stay in alone. Lonely….it happens everywhere. In a room full of people. Next to someone you think cares. Across the table from your family, shopping, going out or staying in lonely.

Yes, happiness is temporary and fleeting….Love, what is that? The purest form is for my daughter. Beyond that? What is love?

Enough for tonight….

Noticeable

The less they notice about you and your emotions and the less the will notice your absence…..

Pour the whiskey…Part II

If you read my previous post you may somewhat understand my frame of mind and why it has taken me a few days to revisit that part of my life. I hear the bullshit phrase “get over it”. I may never get over it, move on, learn lessons, empathize with those that are related to me because of the common bond of alcohol, but get over it???

So the next step father was Leo. He was a nice alcoholic. A business man. I always thought he was the nicest one of all of them until several years ago in therapy when we were going through my step fathers and I mentioned him. I told her that he was the nicest, that the only thing he did was get drunk and take us out flying in his plane. I remember looking up at him from the small seats in the back and him telling my Mom he was going to fly us into the mountains and kill us all. That was nicest step father I had. My therapist was mortified. It wasn’t until then that I realized how damaging he was too. Many years later at lunch with one of my step sisters she confided he did that to all of them. Some how I don’t think he did. I think maybe she was comforting me…she also made it very clear that everyone felt bad for me because of the life I was raised in. They weren’t married long, he was the sickest of them all because of the alcohol. We had to visit him in a hospital in Washington where he was sent to dry out. He finally reformed and lived until a couple of years ago. He had to have been in his 90’s. I went to his funeral to sit with my sissy’s. I love them, he gave me three good sissy’s.

There were two more step fathers after these, fortunately I was old enough to take off at this point. One divorced my Mom shortly after he found out she didn’t have the money he thought she did. We spent Christmas Eve in a local casino. I was under age but drank and gambled. The other wanted a nursemaid  and they divorced after a family member ruined that. She hasnt been married since, had a few boyfriends…but has been alone for many years now. She was damaged at some point. We finally have a semi decent, functioning relationship. It was part of my healing process to confront her about the things in my childhood. It took her 3 weeks to read the longest and hardest letter I have ever written a person. She cried and apologized. It’s never been mentioned again. These men are no longer mentioned. And I told my brothers…I told them all about my childhood. It was only then that the one that is 19 years older than me confided she did the same shit with them and always put them after her boyfriends. My brother who is 20 years older will not speak of his childhood. She fucked us all up and we turned out pretty fucking amazing. I was the only child between my parents. A product of an affair, which I am pretty sure she was paid to leave town and remain quiet. Whew….the secrets families keep….you never know how deep the pain runs. We were children. Just children.

So…be 12 and realize you are not wanted any where….even your own fucking biological father never showed up and maybe then you might consider that it’s not weak to want to die. Be 12 when the drunk comes home and your mom is out, and you know he keeps a gun under his pillow. Be FUCKING 12 while you and your best friend lie on your bedroom floor and he tries your door. Be 7 and an alcoholic is sexually abusing you or you are being abused at a local daycare. If you saw the horrors (many graphic details I have left out or toned down)  I saw growing up and even empathized in the smallest way you MAY reconsider your rigid thoughts. I think what angers me most is that people think things just go away. I am amazed that I love the way I do, that I give people chances and that I take risks to love and have friendships. These people taught me how you aren’t supposed to be treated. In what some may consider a fucked up thought process I feel they taught me how not to treat people…I give what I have never had. Sometimes to my own detriment. I have also learned that not everyone who drinks will hurt you and that it is okay to drink in moderation and with people you feel comfortable with. So I have learned a lot.

Smile at that person next to you in line, or observe the child who plays alone at the park, or be kind to the troublesome child. Always, always be kind, you never know where people like us come from.

Peace..every, every day

Protected: And she knew

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Alcoholism Part 1

So, as I was trolling social media tonight I came across and interesting article. If you have time, and it interests you, please take a look at it.

http://www.reachoutrecovery.com/recovery-topics/parenting-tips/10-things-to-know-about-children-of-alcoholics

I grew up with alcoholic step fathers. Several. None were nice or fun. I am not even sure where to start expressing my thoughts on this subject, my mind is racing with memories. I never knew the adults in my life were alcoholics, that’s how normal alcohol was for me. I was maybe 7 when I tasted Wild Turkey for the first time.

That is what Fred drank.

Fred was step father number two. He was the party guy. He was a World War II vet. He drank and smoked constantly. There were constant parties at our house where I was not allowed to come downstairs. I would lay on the step, about halfway down the stairs where the wall was so they couldn’t see me. The house was filled with stylish women that had pretty hair and 70’s clothes. The men were semi plane, brand inspectors and cowboys that worked for the state. The room was filled with cigarette smoke and drinks were everywhere. I would fall asleep there until my Mom would get me into bed some time in the night. During the few years they were together, he died in our house of a heart attack, it was a constant party. He drove drunk and would let my Mom walk home from across town in the middle of the night, alone. Piece of shit, but she stayed. So, needless to say I was left alone with him and he was sexually abusive….yep….maybe 7. When I was still married if I smelled hard alcohol on my husbands breath I was repulsed. Sad, but true. He never understood, only when we were in therapy did he apologize and I would like to believe he genuinely felt bad. I am not sure, because after that all drinking was done on the side.

Step father number one use to hit me…he was mean alcoholic.

Step father number three was the most mentally abusive. She married him twice. I used to be angry at her for the choices she made, but she was damaged too. Number three was Arnold. They divorced on my 16th birthday and again on my 18th. Both of those birthdays I spent in the courtroom. When I was 12 he convinced her I ran away.  I have to wonder about her mental state, I was at my best friends house and she knew it. I came home to a police man asking me if I knew where our address was. I said that was my house and he followed me home. Arnold, when I  was 12, called me “a whore walking the street looking for a stiff dick”. I was FUCKING 12!!! I didn’t even know about sex! Of course when the policeman realized he was drunk he left me with my Mom and Arnold. My Mom had the nerve to say many years later that I was not an easy child, are you fucking kidding me? I went to school and stayed in my room, or was at my friend’s house. I had to be out of sight because everything was ok then. You see these men and my Mom were older. They had already raised children and here comes a little girl.

(I have to add that as I am emptying my thoughts here Fred’s daughter-in-law liked my comment on that post…she has no idea. Not that I know of…)

I think this has been a little overwhelming for me this evening….I will follow-up with a second part when I can….Yes, I have moved on, healed, learned the lessons they delivered…just felt the need to empty my thoughts after reading that article….

Our children look to us for guidance and example. I have explained to my girl that addiction runs on both sides and she needs to be very aware….

I am calling it a night….Peace for now ❤

Monday Morning Thoughts

Its been a while since I have been here….This morning its coffee and random thoughts about life. Last night, like many lately, was sleepless…or more over broken. I am not happy and I have a dog with a damn cone…thats always pleasant at 1 am. Pleasant enough to pull you from bed and then your mind starts whirling.

In the last few weeks a lot has happened. I am divorced…it became final the day before my daughters 19th birthday. Although we haven’t been together in over four years it changed my views on a lot of things and taught me some lessons as well.

  • I hang on to people and relationships so much longer than I should
  • I give until I am drained on many levels
  • I base my happiness on the happiness of others
  • My self care on emotional level is forgotten until I have ran myself in the ground
  • I have had to let go of things that were important to me, things my grandparents and friends gave me because my ex husband refuses to return them. So I learned about material attachment and how the memories are more valuable.
  • There is such a thing as polite bullies. I attract them like fly paper
  • I have learned I don’t have to answer to any one and I only have to take care of myself and my daughter
  • People will use you, even people who love you
  • Friends come and go
  • Not everyone will accept or like you and they don’t have too
  • No matter how much you give some people it will never be enough
  • Your dreams count and you don’t have to adopt the dreams of another

Those are only some of the things I learned. People can be selfish and greedy and it will hurt every time. But mostly I have realized its time to take care of me again. So I bought the car. I will continue to work hard and pick up some extra jobs…because I like to be busy. I have always been on top of my game with my finances, yes, I have over spent, over gave and over done…..now I am done. I am banking the funds…saving for something amazing.

I will spend more time feeding my soul with words, paint, yoga and the gym. Soulfood ❤

Time waits for no one, we are responsible for our own happiness….I don’t want someone to complete me, I want someone to compliment me. And I want to be happy again….

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