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Something Resembling Life

We. Are. All. Broken.

We. Are. All. Broken.

Broken crayons still color…..

How do you hold it in? Better yet…how much longer?

So, yes, broken crayons still color. I function on a daily basis, holding onto sadness, heartache and heart break. Even anger. Happiness too. I  seem to struggle more than not lately. I know its because of what I keep to myself. I never tell anyone everything, after all, who is that trust worthy??? Very few in your life, if you really dig deep, are that true and really want whats best for you. It would be nice if everyone had the same heart and honored the things that you do.

We. Are. All. Broken. 

I am a builder, creator by nature…it comes naturally and easily to strive for a better life. I am not motivated by money, but by love and happiness. People lack that these days….happiness. So many people never fill their cup…enough. I do not envy those who are in constant need of bigger, better and more. If you live a good life and you are a good person, what you need will come and very often in more ways than you can imagine. I believe in treating people well, not how they treat you, but how you would like to be treated. I love people, but that doesn’t mean that I need to interact with all of them. Be wise and careful with your energy. There are some that are miserable within and would like nothing more than for you to sink into that pit with them. Give yourself permission to walk away from that which no longer serves you. Those who do not appreciate you will when there is no longer a you to appreciate. There have been people in my life that so ignorantly wronged me and I moved on without hesitation or a look back….even to this day I do not understand people who think they can continue to try to be a part of your life after the hell they caused.

We. Are. All. Broken.

End game….what do you want? I want a happy life. I am sure people would be surprised at what that consists of for me.

I came and emptied my thoughts….brings a long overdue and temporary peace for now. I know I am not the only broken one……

We. Are. All. Broken.

Like attracts like…..I am attracting like right now and they are good humans..restores my faith in humanity and human kindness. Some broken crayons color the BEST!!!

We. Are. All. Broken.

Color your day beYOUtiful!!!

 

 

 

Las Vegas

This is my city, our city, our home. So many have preconceived notions about what our city is like. It is not all drugs, prostitution, gangs, rude people and violence, although after last nights events you may think the last part is true. We have homes, jobs and raise families here.

My heart breaks for all the victims of this horrific, violent act. We, as a nation cannot wrap our heads, hearts or minds around this senseless act. I am not one to pray per say, but I have spoken every word I can think of into this Universe for healing and relief not just for our city, but for Puerto Rico, Texas and Florida….for this country as a whole. We are truly falling apart at an alarming rate.

I have watched this city pull together so tough at this time. Unimaginable acts of kindness from this city from opening homes, food, free counseling, transportation home, supplies for volunteers and I am proud of my city…the place I have called home for 30 years. For a brief period people have put away their political beliefs and remembered we are all human.

This is where we have lived, loved and raised our children. This is our home….not a bad place. Just a place where a person decided to commit unspeakable evil. I am sorry and sad for….everyone. I hope that they find some comfort in this trying time.

No words….

So many words…..that there aren’t enough

I know when it happened

But I don’t know how to stop what is felt

Time will tell

My words will eventually heal me

This time is tough…

The time when words just aren’t enough

 

Victim mentality….

I have heard this term used in many ways and had to do a little digging on the meaning. I have been through a lot of shit in my life, therapy included, and not once have I been told that I blame others for whats been done to me. This includes my childhood and adult life.

So if you notice a particular behavior from someone…does that mean that you are saying you are a victim? I don’t think so, I think you are just becoming very aware of whats in front of you.

I thought yesterday “I may be slow, but I will see it or get it” and there it is. When I say that I mean intentions or whats important. Someone who was once in my life said to me I always see the best in people and take them for what they show me in the beginning because I hope that everyone is kind and good. I do…

So last night as I was going to bed my phone rang. It was my Lisa Jane. I was sure that it was an accidental dial, but so happy when her voice reached out from the other end. Lisa Jane and I met at work in the early 90’s. Thats my girl, my sis, one of my Lifetime Friends. We have been through all phases of life together, we might even have wanted to kill each other at one point. I love you girl!!

So we caught up on a few things and something silly and exciting. And then turned our conversation to the subject of “victim mentality” which then turned into victim vs survivor. If you do anything in your life, ask one of you dearest and longest friends for a truth about you. Believe me, if I did it, resembled it or projected it, Lisa Jane would be one to tell me the truth. It doesn’t matter about tears or hurt feelings, its deep honesty from someone who knows you well. Its love. So here we are with our three-hour time difference discussing the topic at hand. I asked her if I projected that. She said never.

Random thought….when you blame others for your actions or outcomes of situations that they didn’t/couldn’t control, what is that? Not being accountable for your part in what was done??

Any way, she said for all the years she has known me I have never blamed anyone for anything. She also mentioned that I have always been a giver. I didn’t even realize that this has been part of my makeup for my whole life. I love my girlfriend. She tells it like it is. She said you are not a victim you are a survivor, she knows my stuff. We also mirror each other in what we have been through in our lives. Soulmates she said, its deeper than that.

There are so many things that could be said but in the end we teach people how to treat us by what we accept and we also learn by example. I also believe that when you have been a victim of circumstances beyond your control, sharing your story is healing. I don’t mean walk around telling everyone what happened to you, but when they confide in you, its okay to say, “me too”. Stand in your truth, its one of the most healing things you can do. If you have wronged someone be accountable for your actions.

Thats enough for this morning….

I am blessed to have you Lisa Jane. Thank you for your insight and being unapologetically honest with me always.

If you only knew

She hides more than you know and listens more than she speaks

This is where she learns who you are and your intentions

Your eyes cut up and to the left….what lie have you told?

You can’t hold her gaze for long

You think that everything is hidden well, well it’s not

Lean in, lean on, let go

Dragging down into a dark tunnel …….

She waits because in the end your intentions show through

Twisted tales of time and people, places and gaps

She has been watching too many too long to let it slip by

And you may be proud of what you think is hidden

And your good intentions aren’t

so good

And so she knows

And she grows

And she waits…

Time is shifting and changing

She will go

and then you will know

And you will wait

and she will not

for fate to drop

the reality of it

was all for naught

…see what shimmers within the storm

And so it is

After several weeks of chaos and sitting with overwhelming feelings of sadness and almost despair I have had a few epiphanies…I love that word. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

My happiness is dependent solely upon me. I cannot depend on anyone else to give me what I need. I also need to start taking caring of myself the way I take care of others. I give relentlessly to people in my life, but never treat myself as well. People will take from you without hesitation, a lesson I have learned well, and then begin to expect it. Two things are sitting with me….I need to build my own future and I need to work on creating the life that I love. No dependancy..not happiness or anything else on anyone. I am hopeful for many things in my life. If I put the positive thoughts out there I will achieve them….send them out into the Universe and they will return.

Its funny when I give to strangers it comes back to me amplified. This is not something I do with intention…I mean I don’t give to receive. I give because that’s who I am. I don’t like to see people go without. One of my favorite things is giving to people who don’t expect it. It seems like it’s appreciated more. Within hours or days, every time, in some way it’s returned to me.

Its time to rearrange my mind-set. To look out for me. I know not everyone has my best interests at heart…maybe none of my interests at heart. So I start taking care of me and let life take the lead. I’ll be happy on my own accord. I  read a quote from Abraham Hicks a few days ago and although I am not a follower it really resonated with me.

“When you believe something is hard, 

the Universe demonstrates the difficulty.

When you believe something is easy.

the Universe demonstrates ease.” 

~ Abraham Hicks~ 

 

When I left my house that day I smiled more at strangers and practiced more patience. I felt good for the first time in days and I felt better about everything. I felt like the old me with a little bit more of a tough exterior.  I believe that happiness is self-created and can be enhanced by others in our lives as well, but not necessarily. At the end of the day its a conscious choice. We may be hit with circumstances that test us but it is our choice how we react.

I have distanced myself from some people, which is required for my peace of mind. It doesn’t mean I need to cut them completely out, or that I don’t love them, I need to love me too and be more mindful of my boundaries. This makes me wonder how the people in my life would feel if I treated them as they treat me.  I am sure many would have moved along already.

I am glad in this day. My heart is good and my intentions are pure. Struggle is definite. Self-care, self-love and healing are imperative.

Happy Wednesday in your life…..

See what shimmers…..

 

Heartbreak

I don’t know how you know….but you know…

So strange to open my email so randomly and find you there…your email days before touched me because I know you know very little of my personal struggles and I feel I do well hiding my…stuff….from the world. You are such a good friend with open eyes and an open loving heart. How did I get so lucky?

So I will only offer that my friend and mentor spends roughly an hour and a half a week with me writing our hearts out and sharing what led me to her, WORDS. In the midst of the chaos that has occupied a great deal of my soul the last few weeks she has emailed me twice and its like she knew exactly what I was thinking. She is an amazing, loving woman and I am grateful for her friendship.

So here you go……

 

I still love myself even though……..

With tears in my eyes after reading your email and trying to soften towards myself here I am, listening and honoring the space that is mine while the words flow as freely as the tears.

And I still love myself even though I am angry at myself for believing everyone is good and for trusting that they have my best interests at heart. I am more aware in this moment more than ever that people take advantage of me, my own family included. Its an amazing quality to give with an open heart and its hurtful when you have nothing left to give or that they don’t even notice the toll they have taken on me.

I still love myself even though I don’t recognize the woman I have been over the last several days. Or maybe I do recognize myself…my old self. I don’t want to be her again. I promised myself I wouldn’t be…yet I see her.

I still love myself even though I always hope for the best in everyone and every situation.

I still love myself for being naïve in often times cruel world.

And still it is so hard to be nice to me…..

The words I still love myself are the hardest words I know.

Be Gentle With Yourself…..

A small crack in life has turned into a gaping wound. I am tired and sad and it all feels irrevocable. Over the last several weeks I have had enough. My cup is finally empty and I am not even sure where to turn to replenish it. I know that I have learned that I can only count on myself at the end of the day. I have been observing as a participant for….well, for as long as I can remember but its amazing when you breakdown and really look at the whole picture from the inside and outside. Who do you count on? Me? I count on myself and lean on myself and sometimes it just sucks…no other way to say it. I am alone…I would say aren’t we all…but I don’t feel that way. I have so many things I want and they are so simple and I am just not sure how to get there….maybe by letting go of attachment to what I desire. I know that’s how it works, an incredible experience that I have repeatedly witnessed in my life.  It’s not even materialistic….unless you consider eventually buying a home. But I can do that on my own. Plan B….yep, I am my own plan B, hell, I am my own A as well. People can’t handle what they say they want….and rarely, if ever stay true to their word.  That is the experience in my life.

I have no room for anger at myself. How can you be angry when all you have done is give and do your best to make people happy or help out?  It’s never enough….never. And I AM responsible for my own needs and happiness…this I know. I am just so fucking tired and see no end or no way to fix what is. I try to read positive mantras and I can’t even get through them. Even words aren’t finding a way in….but I suppose being here they are finding a way out which is helpful. I am tired of putting on a smile when it’s not even genuine.

Fourth, fifth,…..eighteenth place….where do you fall in line with people in your life? It just doesn’t feel good not to care about much.

Two days later…

Here.

Here is sad and lonely.

I reach for any remnants of happiness. What is happiness? Is anyone ever really happy? And lonely…it is what it is. My life is not how I imagined it to be….are our lives ever  really the way they picture them to be? I need and I am alone. I have taken Facebook and messenger off of my phone. We spend too much time on social media and not being social with our own. What is that? What a fucked up place to be in. And its all negative bullshit now….political, about bad relationship choices or how do you know if he is lying or cheating or wants you….what kind of friend are you? Or messages from immature people and when you go to respond they…poof….disappear. So much shit in life….people fishing for attention when you want to yell GROW THE FUCK UP and be grateful for what you have. Damn, so many think its a dating site or lets say trolling site. People are never satisfied with what they have or just completely take it for granted.

Lets talk….

I broke yesterday….broke…broken…irreparable? Who fucking knows? I am sick inside. I have no one to blame but myself. Physically sick. All I need is a place to land right now…silence, kindness, peace and a kind heart that doesn’t judge, just gets it. Arms to crawl into and forget about what fills my space at this moment. Where? Imagine that….if you aren’t giving then you can’t get. I am angry and hurt. Fix it….yeah right. I am always the happy one who handles life and its challenges well….well, until I broke. No one wants to hear others “things” or they cant hear above their own. Thank the Universe for the one friend who understands and texts me the morning after to make sure I made it.

Mad? Fuck yeah!

Hateful? Today, yes.

Forgiving? Always

Lessons are always hard. Sometimes reality sucks and you need it to shake you to realize you are important.

I am very into intuition and listening for what I need….the only thing I can hear today is:

Be Gentle With Yourself

I am so hard on me. I have come to this understanding that the advice I would give my friend or friends is the advice I should take for myself…thats a hard pill to swallow. Right now in this moment I can only think that I need to be gentle with myself. I deserve good people, love and things in my life. I know I do….I just don’t know how to accept that I am deserving.

My anger and hate have subsided somewhat….I need to forgive myself for being so hard on me. I need to find gratitude in knowing I can be alone and take care of myself. In crawling into my bed alone when a lot of people in this world are suffering and would be grateful for the space I occupy.  I need to be grateful that people in my life show me my worth to them….even if it’s not pleasant.

Be Gentle With Yourself

Because after all…who better to treat you good than you.

 

Scratching the surface

Every morning when I wake up I lay in bed and think about things and people in my life. This mornings thoughts were about scratching the surface. How many people actually   scratch the surface of your life and really get to know you? We all have so many stories, desires, dreams, fantasies about the perfect life and scars that we carry with us. How many people have you allowed to scratch the surface? And how many people actually, really want to scratch the surface?

It seems these days everyone wants something or wants you to be something other than who you are. They don’t realize how hurtful the comments they make are. Making you feel like you are not enough…nor will you ever be. Wouldn’t it be nice to simply be loved and accepted for who you are? It seems as though it’s never enough. Never enough of anything.

Surface dwellers….they only want what they want to see or what they want you to be. Most people can’t accept people for who they are.

Recent comments have driven me to contemplate the surface dwellers in my life. Words can slice you to the bone and no matter what the scars never disappear. Forgive? Yes. Forget? Never….lessons.

*sometimes I randomly start entries and finish them at a later date..this is what happened (again) here. 

 

August 24, 2017

Surface dwellers and Seekers

Two vastly different types of people.  I wonder what other seekers think of the surface dwellers in their life. Seekers….hmmm that doesn’t seem to be the word I am looking for. You know the type…they show up authentic and genuine, lacking judgement and full of compassion and empathy. They are aware and awake. Not that surface dwellers cant posses some of these traits, it’s just different. One of the most amazing things to witness is watching someone come alive and experience life on an authentic level. Dare you scratch the surface? Yes, I guarantee if you are open and accepting what you find in another human will be no less than beautiful. We are all connected in some way. There are tiny threads between each of us that are similar in nature. We have all experienced great joy and great sadness somewhere in our timelines of life.

Scratch the surface, ask the questions, smile first, extend a hand…you may be amazed at the person you are met with. You may be amazed at how they impact your life. Some of my worst days have ended up being my very best. Be it a conversation with my best friend, a smile or kind comment to or from a complete stranger, hugging a stranger (yes, I do this). The people who I connect with restore my faith in humanity and humankind. I love knowing that they are out there…they are the gems in the treasure hunt of life.

Happy Thursday

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