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Something Resembling Life

Just this….

 

 

The Wisdom of Sundays on a Saturday

As I often do, I pick a page from my book. Page 27 it is. Ram Dass.

I  picked up The Wisdom of Sundays by Oprah Winfrey after I saw it on a friends coffee table. I flipped through it and  knew it was something I needed.

So….Ram Dass it is on this Saturday morning. I read through the page twice. It speaks of vulnerability, showing up and unconditional love. This is the way I interpret the words I have found.

I thought today I would write about the recent journey I have been on, the trials and tribulations, the part of life that has tested the very core of the person I am. But that changed after page 27.

So, the unconditional love thing. Is that really possible? I have questioned this for at least the last 5 years or more. It’s an ongoing battle with …..”yeah but, give me, do this, do that, can I, will you or the ever famous, if you love me you will” WHY must love be contingent on these things? Why must there be contingencies at all? If someone treats you poorly, how much do you take before you can “un” love unconditionally. There has to be a clear moment when you know that no matter how much you love someone or what you do for them it will never be enough.  You will never enough for them, but “YOU ARE ENOUGH” for you.

I think about the man who was cheated on and heartbroken, the one who is afraid to love again.  I think about the woman who deserves more but can’t see it. The people who search for something they cant obtain because they clearly cant “see” and think that physical interaction is enough to satisfy them. If it is why do they continue to run to the next and the next and the very next, distributing pieces of themselves or their souls as they go. Human connection….sounds amazing, and rare right? They say men don’t want a woman who has been with everyone….and then recently I found the same except “women don’t want a man who has been with everyone”. TRUTH.

Vulnerability….

So you show up and open your heart to another human, and they use it to use you. They take you for granted. Your kindness, your weakness….they take the gift of your authenticity and crush it like fine china. Like its nothing….they cant “see”. Some eyes are so clouded with greed and despair that they cant see. You let down your walls and share your fears, what makes you happy, what breaks you down. The things that have broken you are now somehow used as ammunition to reduce you.

So many thoughts….do we stop loving? Some do, some continue to take the risk and are somehow eventually rewarded with someone who loves them the way they should be. Do we stop showing up? Some do, some isolate and stay to themselves. The few they allow in will never really know they depth of their soul or what makes them who they are. Some continue to risk showing up, learning with each surrender and abandon, with each heart-break or let down they become wiser.

For me, eventually I will show up in my vulnerability again and, yes, I still have faith that unconditional love exists.

So I leave you with my thoughts and words I am saying to myself….

Never risk the opportunity to show someone who you really are, if there is truly unconditional love, they will stay and they will love you. Risk it again and again, because at some point it will be fulfilling and rewarding. Always be who you are, no matter what, the world can be cruel and so can people, but be who you are without hesitation. Know you deserve better. And above all….love yourself, you know you best.

 

Peace for your Saturday ❤

Winston

We have been looking at your little face for the last few days and somehow I felt like you needed us. The sadness in your picture spoke volumes. I left a message at the animal foundation with all of your information this morning and I semi patiently waited. So…. patience isn’t my strong suit and we started out across town to go get you. And then they called, you were still there!!! The trip seemed so short knowing you were there. I told Ash if you weren’t there I wasn’t coming home with any other dogs yet. It was you…only you.

We discussed names and then there you were, Winston. The new boy who would silently and instantly creep into my heart without hesitation.

I wasn’t expected to be greeted, or not, by such a fragile soul. I fell in love with the light brown of your eyes and your terrified and skittish demeanor. You caught me. It was over.

You wouldn’t even see if we belonged to you at first. I knew that you had to pick us, it was your choice. Every noise and every movement terrified you. You ended up in the corner of the play yard still wanting nothing to do with us or the treats we tried to entice you with. Shaking and cowering like the world had beaten you. Its okay, recently I let the world get to me too. I admit, I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of your bite, but I took the chance. I loved you and talked to you as much as you would let me. You walked a little with me and then you let your new sissy love you too. Eventually you  laid down and let me rub your belly and face, even closed your eyes to enjoy the touch and love I don’t think you have ever known. You are only two my sweet boy and there was no wagging tail, no surety in your eyes. I don’t even think you know what its like to be really loved. You let my girl love you too. She knew. I knew. And finally, Winston, you knew. You ended up in my arms with your head on my chest. You were home.

Winston came into the shelter 4 days prior with his Mom and sibling. One was adopted and one went to a rescue shelter. Winston waited for us. I knew as soon as the woman walked around the corner with him, he was ours. How could someone not love him? I believe he has suffered some sort of abuse or just lack of human contact, which is abuse in itself to me. Every one needs human touch.

No more lonely nights for any of us. We needed him and he needed us.

So tonight he is being fixed and getting his shots updated and tomorrow afternoon he comes home. For good. He has a new bed, a crate with a comfy mat, new toys , dishes, treats and food. I am so excited for him to settle into his new normal and I am more than lucky to be able to love him.

So Winston, welcome home!! We promise to love you for all of our days!!!  ❤

***(the first picture in the grid is the one from the shelter, the one that drew us in)

It is I

For it is I that will love you

In every way

On a million sleepless nights

And at the breaking dawn

And it is I that will love you

without hesitation

and without reservation

And it is I that will wait for you

For the curtain to fall

and the sun to rise

In every moment

to my demise

For my love,

my love knows no beginning

and no definite end

But change

and growth

moving forward

and letting go

and digging in

It is I

 

Coffee with you this morning

I sat across from her listening to her reveal the layers of her life while we sipped coffee this morning. Warm, comforting goodness in a rather large cup and the security of knowing her secrets were safe with me (and yes, she knows I am writing this).

We discussed why things happen the way they do and why life can’t be a little more gentle. I told her maybe if we were more gentle with ourselves the Universe would return it to us.

You see, she has been in a situation that is not healthy for her mind, body and soul..and hardest on her heart. I told her you cannot expect someone to treat you as you treat them. It doesn’t always work out that way. Show up, be authentic and hope that you are interacting with a decent human being.

She told me that the relationship she has been in is one-sided for, well, for a very long time. I am sad for her. She deserves so much better. The people who this other person chooses to look at or pay attention to are so different from her and would never treat her counterpart as well as she does.

Her eyes fell to her hands wrapped around her cup and tears silently ran down her cheeks.

I wonder how people can treat people so poorly and not even think twice about it. How they can justify their actions in their mind as okay? If she isn’t what you want, set her free. She deserves kindness, love, friendship and most of all respect and loyalty.

She deserves what she gives to you.

She is well put together, takes care of her self and her responsibilities and there she is trying to save remnants of something…something….I can’t even classify what she is trying to save. Her heart? Her sanity? They have destroyed her….weakened her. She allowed it. She is partially to blame, but so are they. It’s amazing to me that some people can’t take responsibility for their actions that caused cracks in the foundation of a relationship. Its easier to lay blame on the innocent and make them feel like it was their fault that they stayed, tried and tolerated bullshit that they shouldn’t have. Wouldn’t you want someone to give you a second chance if you messed up? And when she did it was met with more secrets and betrayal.

I get her Kleenex and hug her. She cries and we sit in silence for a while. I shift the conversation to some small vacations I want to take this year…she has some interest. She thinks about going to see family or friends in California for a few days. There are things to see in life and good people still exist out there. Life will move forward and time will ease the emotions she feels.

She asks why? I have no logical answer why she lets this happen. There are people who remind her of who she is, where she has been and what she is worth. I know there are people who would love her wholly in a moment if she allowed them. And while I understand they are not for her, I just try to comfort her by telling her there is someone who would appreciate the woman she is.

So here is to the security of good friends, warm cups of coffee, the things in life that pull us to together because of whats torn us apart.

It’s a new day…..

Enough….

You will never be enough for someone who isn’t ready for someone like you. I have observed that it doesn’t really matter how well you love, give or do for someone who isn’t ready for someone like you, it will never be enough.

I went to the market last night and there is a manager there who is always happy and friendly. Even when it’s insanely busy and people are incredibly short, Bobby always has a kind word and a smile for everyone. So as he was helping me I asked him plainly…”what is the secret to life?” He said “To truly know yourself. You are in charge of what you allow someone to take from you. You accept how they treat you, to truly know yourself and your worth is the key”. I think I could have stayed in that line for another half hour receiving his wisdom. Everyone teaches us something, it’s up to us to receive and accept the knowledge. I accepted it….and went home clearer than I was when I arrived.

We are responsible for the energy we give away and the time and effort that is not reciprocated.  We are responsible for how we allow people to treat us. A few things to consider:

  • What is your worth?
  • What are your values?
  • Do you seek these values in the person you are dating or interested in? Do you seek them in the people you surround yourself with?
  • What makes you happy?
  • Do you settle for less than you deserve? Why?
  • What qualities are important to you? Shouldn’t you seek friends or relationships with people who share the same qualities?
  • What do you want for your future?

 

Its important not to waste people’s time or let them waste yours.

I wouldn’t change or take back the things in life that have happened to me, I would not be who I am or know the amazing people who add quality to my days. I know my worth, but the strange part is that I allow people in my life who don’t know or acknowledge it. I know what I want in friendships and a relationship. I can honestly say that the friendships I have now are good, strong friendships that have been in place as far back as 35 years. That says something to me…it says a lot.

Certain experiences have made me a little more guarded, lessons received. I know that some situations repeat themselves until you have had enough and choose change. At some point we will be vulnerable again with others and open ourselves to love and change and more importantly chance.

Chance, Change, Clarity and Certainty

Be mindful of how much of yourself you give to someone who you aren’t enough for…in the end it’s not you who isn’t enough. Some are just never satisfied.

Some of my favorite words “We only pass by this way once”.

So, Peace for you Saturday and for 2018

 

 

Prompt U…. #1

So I have fallen in love with prompt writing because of this amazing Virgo woman I write with!! So what should it be tonight??

Strong Female Friendships

I have been so fortunate over the years with the women who have shown up in my life. They say you have different friends for different parts of your life and I believe it. Marriage, divorce, life, death, struggles and triumphs. Somehow we pick each other up when no one else can. I know on many occasions they were the reason I was able to find my strength. Sometimes we need the simple reminder of who we are and what we are capable of. We need to be valued and loved at our depth and we are nurturers by nature so this comes easily to us.

I am fortunate enough to have friends that I have known for more than 35 years. We may have had some struggles or in between times when we didn’t communicate but we were able to pick back up where we left off and where we meet is much richer than where we left.

I could list them all and all of the roles they have played in my life, but you know who you are and where we stand.

Crazy friends, supportive, I’ll be there in 10 minute friends. Can I borrow you car or even your clothes friends. Take me to the hospital I am in labor and bitch don’t leave me friends. Drunk phone call friends. Friends who show up right on time friends. And she bonds you friends. Unconditional love friends. Know your worth friends. Drink that shit friends. I love you friends. Walking for miles friends. A jar of pickle eating friends. To name a few friends…Oh and you hooker…I am your private investigator friend!!! The artist and the writer friends…the intuitive and astrology friends. The healers and dealers (being funny) friends. The let me come over and drink tequila friends. The stop calling me when you are drunk friend. I am so incredibly lucky to have friends like these. I could never name them all here and never, ever be able to thank them enough.

Oh and I always love new friends….

 

Thank you Virgo writer woman friend!! Thank you ❤

 

 

Contemplating my next move….

That’s one of my favorite things to say when someone asks me what I am doing. It usually throws them off….but aren’t we always contemplating our next move??

So what exactly is next?

I sat in humble gratitude early Christmas morning for all the good people and things in my life. Especially my child. I even honor the not so great parts and the people who have caused me pain on many levels that was never deserved. They have taught me so much. Life sure has had a lot of ups and downs for me this past year and I know that I will not repeat that in 2018.

Twice in a matter of months I have made lists to the Universe of what I want in life. Really simple, yet it seems some of the hardest to appear. I must not be ready for the good things yet. Or maybe it’s that we don’t truly know how to accept what we want when it appears. Or maybe we are so blinded by the things we have been through that we are unwilling to take the risk to taste a better life. Shouldn’t you wish the same for you that you would wish for people in your life??

So this is what’s next….2018

A selfish year. My year. More me. I deserve better than I get and then I accept. Isn’t it funny what we are willing to give or do for others and we don’t even allow ourselves a tiny fraction of that. Yes, more me. More kindness….better self talk. More trips and less stress. More love, always more love. Wisdom to know that I need to treat myself as well as I treat others. More deep conversation and writing…yes, so much more writing. Adventures….are so needed and welcomed. Maybe I should be the one who randomly calls a friend at 2 am to see the city while it sleeps. Or walking in the rain. Lets all be selfish this year. It doesn’t mean being unkind to others, but happiness starts within…its not selfish to take care of you. When you are truly happy with who you are everything falls into place. I am so ready for 2018.

 

Peace for your Friday night ❤

Deck of Cards

52 reasons 

52 lies

52 loves 

and 52 cries 

 

A deck of cards for 52 days!! Positive or negative? It’s what we make it. Heavy and light, high and low.

I am maybe 10 and playing cards with friends sometimes. I called the shots at 10. I hated when she went out all the time. I hated the day care sitters. (So I fought it)

 

52 more 

And I am 14. We play out of boredom. Rummy or anything we can think of. A time killer and time filler. I play at my grandpa’s house  with my cousins, mostly always the boys. We are aggressive and trash talk as much as we can (for kids).

 

52 less

And I am 19 in an apartment with my friend. We when we aren’t working, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot and sometimes alone.

 

And 2 x 52 is 104

 

And I am in my 20’s playing with a partner. Skipbo. We are cutthroat! We play spades with others and take no prisoners. And then there is Belinda. We play for pennies, thousands and thousands of pennies. We never pay each other and I laugh now. Good memories of times past. I should play with Ashley tonight and beat her haha! That girl!! Maybe we can make some memories to last….

 

**** Once a week I free flow write in session with this amazing woman. She encouraged me to post this particular piece from a writing prompt we had this past week. She has encouraged me to write from all the parts of me that exist. She has helped me find the courage to continue writing and sharing parts of me that exist in written word!! Thank you Alyese Sweeney!!!! THANK YOU!!! Please check her out at writetoglow.com

 

 

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