Search

Something Resembling Life

Contemplating my next move….

That’s one of my favorite things to say when someone asks me what I am doing. It usually throws them off….but aren’t we always contemplating our next move??

So what exactly is next?

I sat in humble gratitude early Christmas morning for all the good people and things in my life. Especially my child. I even honor the not so great parts and the people who have caused me pain on many levels that was never deserved. They have taught me so much. Life sure has had a lot of ups and downs for me this past year and I know that I will not repeat that in 2018.

Twice in a matter of months I have made lists to the Universe of what I want in life. Really simple, yet it seems some of the hardest to appear. I must not be ready for the good things yet. Or maybe it’s that we don’t truly know how to accept what we want when it appears. Or maybe we are so blinded by the things we have been through that we are unwilling to take the risk to taste a better life. Shouldn’t you wish the same for you that you would wish for people in your life??

So this is what’s next….2018

A selfish year. My year. More me. I deserve better than I get and then I accept. Isn’t it funny what we are willing to give or do for others and we don’t even allow ourselves a tiny fraction of that. Yes, more me. More kindness….better self talk. More trips and less stress. More love, always more love. Wisdom to know that I need to treat myself as well as I treat others. More deep conversation and writing…yes, so much more writing. Adventures….are so needed and welcomed. Maybe I should be the one who randomly calls a friend at 2 am to see the city while it sleeps. Or walking in the rain. Lets all be selfish this year. It doesn’t mean being unkind to others, but happiness starts within…its not selfish to take care of you. When you are truly happy with who you are everything falls into place. I am so ready for 2018.

 

Peace for your Friday night ❤

Deck of Cards

52 reasons 

52 lies

52 loves 

and 52 cries 

 

A deck of cards for 52 days!! Positive or negative? It’s what we make it. Heavy and light, high and low.

I am maybe 10 and playing cards with friends sometimes. I called the shots at 10. I hated when she went out all the time. I hated the day care sitters. (So I fought it)

 

52 more 

And I am 14. We play out of boredom. Rummy or anything we can think of. A time killer and time filler. I play at my grandpa’s house  with my cousins, mostly always the boys. We are aggressive and trash talk as much as we can (for kids).

 

52 less

And I am 19 in an apartment with my friend. We when we aren’t working, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot and sometimes alone.

 

And 2 x 52 is 104

 

And I am in my 20’s playing with a partner. Skipbo. We are cutthroat! We play spades with others and take no prisoners. And then there is Belinda. We play for pennies, thousands and thousands of pennies. We never pay each other and I laugh now. Good memories of times past. I should play with Ashley tonight and beat her haha! That girl!! Maybe we can make some memories to last….

 

**** Once a week I free flow write in session with this amazing woman. She encouraged me to post this particular piece from a writing prompt we had this past week. She has encouraged me to write from all the parts of me that exist. She has helped me find the courage to continue writing and sharing parts of me that exist in written word!! Thank you Alyese Sweeney!!!! THANK YOU!!! Please check her out at writetoglow.com

 

 

Wreckage

Some day as I sift through the wreckage of my life…the ashes of what once was

I will come across remnants of our time

The time I thought you may be mine or the time when we thought we would find each other

Maybe my eyes will meet yours across a crowded room or in a market place full of people

Will you wonder like I do?

Will we speak?

Or will it be that quiet knowing that two people who once confided in each other and found some similarities in our existence to share?

The wreckage…whats left

The ashes….fine silk dust

 

*A little something sitting in my draft folder that found its way here

And so it is Friday……

 

 

 

Someone’s someone……

Listening is the art of entering the skin of the other
and wearing it for a time as if it were your own.
– David Spangler –

 

After a sleepless night and a long conversation with a girlfriend this morning I found myself here. I love this quote from David Spangler, its perfect. Everyone has a story that needs to be told or emotions that need to be expressed and acknowledged.

As we spoke I listened to her tell me about situations in her life and how they are repetitive. How other situations keep coming up but she doesn’t take the risk to see if they are worth anything or can propel her forward. She is comfortable and uncomfortable where she is. Its familiar.

They say that if its making you uncomfortable, its forcing you to change.

Anyway, I think of her life and her children. I support her and lift her up with words of encouragement. I am her “someone” who will always been here. At 4 am when she can’t sleep or at 5 pm when she wants to chat.

Anyway….the thing that brought me here is chances and opportunity. I think life hands us what we are ready for what we need. It is up to us to see the good or bad, or maybe to take the risk which may send us to something wonderful.

Do you honor and value yourself enough to know what you deserve?

Are you someones “someone” who listens without judgment and with love?

Can you put yourself in another’s shoes or skin and see life from their point of view?

What you accept is what will continue…..give yourself credit where credit is due. I feel we can say to ourselves that we have done a good job or we are good people. Self talk is an important part of self-care. It’s so easy to tell someone about their worth. IF you have poor self talk habits think about this…would you stand by and allow someone to speak to another the way you speak to yourself? If the answer is no, its time to adjust your thoughts and words about yourself.

So today….just be someone’s someone ❤

Christmas again……

Christmas time….families, tradition, celebration and stress.

Today I can’t wait for January.

New year, new beginnings and new mind-set.

When we relate the holidays with stress and worry they tend to become less important. People aren’t always grateful for what they have or what they receive. Some have more than others and some gifts aren’t enough. Holidays are about more than gifts. To me they are about spending time with those who mean the most, sharing meals, laughing and loving each other. Easy, heartfelt, memorable moments.

I will probably touch a few nerves here, but here we go……

Holidays changed for me during my separation when a couple of members of my family went to my now ex husbands house. So spending that first year alone was a real eye opener and an awakening for me. I enjoyed my time with Buster and sitting on my couch  with my tree lit and candles burning. It was ok to be alone, no worries about what I got someone, if it would be enough or if you could see the gratefulness or lack of happiness in their eyes when they opened it. That is the meaning of Christmas???

I wonder what other people think about Christmas….are they financially struggling to meet all the expectations? Are they pulled in many directions? Are they alone or in a crowd of people? Are they enjoying the simple quiet pleasures of life? The moments that matter most….is there humble gratitude in their hearts for the things in this life that are important?

We, as people are a mess. We have lost so much…or maybe we never had it and that’s why for a lot it’s about the materialistic things they will receive. Ask the person who has lost someone, or hasn’t been spoken to or spoken to family in years what they would be grateful for if they could steal those times back? I bet it would be a lot different from anything that money could buy.

I am tired….and we are less than two weeks away.

Well I wish for everyone a holiday season, however you celebrate, with moments of happiness to tuck into your heart and carry with you for your time. Humble gratitude and clarity for who and what you have in your life.

And finally peace in your soul.

Heres looking forward to 2018 ❤

 

Welcome home…..

A little food for thought this Sunday morning…..

After spending a significant part of the last two days digging deeply into feelings and thoughts I have come to some really good realizations. We heal ourselves, emotions and otherwise when given time.

I have thought I was less than what I am because of actions and words of another. It can really mess with your mindset and self-esteem if you allow it. And dammit, I allowed that.

I know that I am worthy of a lot. When I spoke the words out loud last night and again this morning that I had been thinking, they really hit home. I know a lot of us have felt like we aren’t worthy, lovable, wanted or desired. At some point we have allowed others to plant seeds of doubt about who we are…be it by the words they speak or the way they act. I could list many instances, but are they worth it? Respect the people in your life…think about your actions or words and how you would feel if the same was done to you?

I don’t want to be anyone else. I don’t want to be someone I am not to please someone else. Been there, done that. Not worth it. In the end you will hurt yourself and you will hurt the people who thought they knew you. I choose me now. Choose to be authentic and still be vulnerable even though this world is filled with people who prey upon people like us. In the end they will be rewarded for the behavior they have bestowed upon others. It is not for us to repay their kindness (a little sarcasm here) or lack thereof. Life deals your hand.

I know what I am worthy of and more over what I am capable of. I am a good person with a good heart and choose to see the best in people. I stay too long and love too much. I look for the good and turn a cheek to the bad, I really need to work on that. They say when you meet someone and they tell you who they are, believe them. Damn….BELIEVE THEM! That is probably my biggest lesson over the last few years. If you aren’t enough for someone, you will be for someone else. Remember who you are, where you came and what you have been through…this has shaped you.

Remember……

You are worthy

You are capable

You are loved

You are beautiful/handsome

You are greatness

You are intelligent

You are desirable

You are everything YOU choose to be

Welcome home…

 

Peace for your Sunday ❤

 

It’s always darkest before the dawn….its morning

 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

What do you take for granted? And what part of your life do you repeat with the same results?

I have been thinking about this a lot over the last few days. What do we take for granted? Or who? What are we repeating so that nothing changes?? What is stagnant in your life?

For me it’s probably the time we think we have with people in our lives. Things change and with these changes comes perspective. Life isn’t forever and we seem to let so much slip by us and only give it a thought when we lose someone close to us. It is sad that it takes something of such permanence to make us appreciate what or who we had. To make us think a little more clear and honor ourselves, those around us and this glorious thing called life. When a life, relationship or friend ceases to exist that’s when we realize the importance of it. It’s not only about life and death…but life and loss. And love.

You may think that your loved one, friend, partner..spouse or however you want to define what you have, will always be there without hesitation. People need to know they are loved, appreciated and cared for. If you let time slip by you may not have the opportunity to let them know. Small, simple gestures, I have learned and experienced are the greatest. Reaching out periodically, because true ties surpass time and space. I am blessed to have many people in my life that I can pick right back up with without hesitation.

I have observed people who wont take chances or make changes necessary to move forward or make their experience better. The lonely and heartbroken who wont take a chance simply because they don’t want the same experience to be repeated. I think that risk is in order for them. That heartbreak or bad experience came with some good, there was a road taken to get there and it couldn’t have all been bad. Or maybe you chose to ignore the red flags, I know I have, I am more than sure we all have. It is said that the Universe gives you what you are ready for. So it is given, placed perfectly in your path and you choose what?? Fight it and push forward continuing the same existence or you open the door and allow it in? Everyone experiences pain…but in the same, they experience great happiness as well.

So,

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It. Will. Always. Stay. The. Same.

If. You. Don’t. Change. It.

Change is imminent. It comes right on time when we need it most. I think we are given what we are ready for. That it’s up to us to accept it and create something wonderful from it or at least take the risk to see whats possible.  I know personally I am always up for that risk. I will always love and forgive as much as I can. It doesn’t mean I need to continue or stay. It might even mean I love myself enough to take better care of me.  I have experienced people leaving too soon and not being able to say what I wanted too, friendships have ceased to exist or we outgrew each other and people have treated me shitty. I don’t return the favor because at some point in life, someone or some situations will give it right back to them. It’s not for us to be unkind or cruel because someone has treated us that way. Life will deal the hand accordingly, it’s better to be a bystander when this is the case, instead of a participant.

So this is life. Treat people the way you want to be treated and in return I hope what you give out is given back in great amounts.

Be kind. Be good. Be true. Be the best you that you can be.

Peace for your Tuesday night.

One more…..
What you take for granted…someone else is praying for ❤

All of it

When she says she is sorry for all of it, this is what she means

She is sorry that she gave you parts of herself that you disregarded

That she gave so much and forgot to take

That you mistook her kindness for weakness

She is sorry she made it all acceptable, even though it wasn’t

and isn’t

and never will be

And she is sorry she let you push her so hard and so far

that she became someone she was not

And she finally accepted that she isn’t part of all of it

at all

and that’s okay

And that no matter how much she gives

it will never be enough

That she needs to put her needs first

her happiness is up to her

When she says she is sorry for all of it….she means

She is sorry you can’t see her value

and that someday you will

That you can’t see what you have in her

Because someone will see all of her for exactly who she is

So maybe

just maybe

She isn’t sorry for all of it at all

 

 

 

 

Gratitude

I have thought about a lot over the last few weeks and mostly today about what I am grateful for. The list is long and not all of it good. But I thought since its time to heal some wounds and resolve some issues….its time to write again.

I woke up less than happy this morning (Wednesday) …probably because I went to bed with a few things on my mind. Sometimes that happens. I am not one of those people who can lay down and fall instantly to sleep, unless I am exhausted, even then it takes time.

I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in this life so far. For knowing how to treat people and having manners when a lot of people don’t. For the sadness, happiness and anger I have experienced. And for my time alone. I am making it and I depend on….Oh! No one, except myself. It’s not a great thing but not a bad thing either. Sometimes alone is not so bad and some times the quiet is overwhelming.

My heart is grateful for the little man who you lived with me for almost 14 years and shared all my lessons with me. I miss him every day. I went to fill his bowl today and realized (again) he isn’t here any more. I want to go get him from where ever he is and bring him home. Talking about him is getting easier. His bed and treasures are still in the living room and I still long for his face in the window.

The young woman who sleeps down the hall from me most days. My daughter….I love her so much. I look at her in wonder and awe and hope in her heart of hearts she knows her Mama always has her no matter what. Crazy smart and strong. Thats my girl ❤

So I woke up less than happy this morning…for no particular reason. It’s funny how random strangers and good people in your life can change it all in matter of minutes. I had a few errands to run this morning and it unlocked the fullness of life for me. I appreciate the things I have and I am able to do. Sure, there are a few things in life I would like to have, not materialistically, but everything comes when it’s supposed too and when we are ready for it. I saw my friend this morning and her loving spirit and kind heart are always a reminder there are still good people in this world. She is one of those people who I met and felt like I always knew. She is an amazing woman. She gave me  birthday gifts, a beautiful throw and a new journal that says Blessed…but the card. I am such a card person. I take the time to make sure what I pick is heart-felt. Her card was perfect and heartfelt. Somehow I ended up in a conversation with a stranger. It started very general and included compliments. Isnt funny that some of the greatest compliments come when you aren’t feeling your best? It must be the Universe knowing that is when we need them the most. Then it turned to birthday wishes, astrological signs and easy conversation. The whole experience lightened my day.

I am grateful for….

People who arrive too late

Who stay too long

Who leave too early

and wait too long to say how they feel

For the ones who weren’t and aren’t nice and the ones who reach out with kind words that remind you who you are, where you have been and your strength. For smiles and words with random people, for ignorance from the familiar too. For the ones the who make you question your place and the ones who reassure you of it.

Blessed am I to have the experiences, the people and wisdom I have gained from all of it. These are just some of the things I am grateful for.

Peace for your Friday

and Gratitude of course ❤

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑