And it all makes perfect sense…..

Not Really There

(originally written September 2014)

There you are at the opposite end of the couch, your head tilted slightly

Your hands are strong as they hold the book you are entranced with

Your legs stretched out and propped up on the coffee table

I watch the rise and fall of your chest with every breath you take

You are wearing your favorite pajama bottoms and a cotton t-shirt that hugs you perfectly

The cool fall air has arrived

Falling leaves, a light wind is blowing

We are tucked safely into our world for the evening like bears

Warm and at ease

Loved and loving

Content with every part that is us

All of our wants and needs being met with the presence of the other

The lights dim

The smell of our life lingers in the air…..the burning candles, the faint reminder of the dinner that we shared only a few short hours before , lingering scents of my perfume and your cologne

We create this space…..our space

And as I write about us..I look again and you are not there, or here

Its me, with thoughts of how it could be

What I desire….

And in the end, I am not even really sure who you are…..

Life begins again……

For you Alyse, because you understand the way my words work….

I stepped into the night air, the warm desert wind on my legs. One of my favorite things about a desert summer night, the warmth on my skin. In my mind I wondered what I was thinking. “Am I really doing this?” And I knew, without hesitation, the answer, the only answer. As I made the drive the mellow sounds of Santeria whispered in the back ground. My mind drifted, yes, I was heading into the unknown.

So many times before I had faced the unknown, but not like this, in some sense this was familiar. This was by choice, unknown by choice, not by force. Mostly the unknown had been situations and people who were unkind. Places where I was supposed to be safe but that was taken.

I found the place I was looking for and I entered the home. I didn’t hesitate, even though I had never been here, I didn’t feel the typical feelings of uneasiness, judgement, distrust or even fear. This place was safe, warm and inviting. The energy was even and welcoming.

Earthy…when I replay those moments. The room felt earthy and easy, no pressure. The aroma and the energy of the air were comforting and music lingered like heavy smoke. Before me were so many treasures, I admired the walls and shelves, the tables in the corner adorned with plants, gemstones, candles….the things that were important to this person who occupied this space.

The words “make yourself at home” fell from their lips. I hesitated…but the words were genuine. I continued to glance from place to place, my eyes indulging in the contents of the this space. Within minutes I removed my sandals, I couldn’t wear them any more. I needed to be grounded in the moment and all the moments to follow. I never went barefoot anywhere but home. And I was barefoot and I felt the earth..connected….I was grounded.

And then came the silver dish…full of gemstones. Many colors and textures. I asked if it was okay to touch the contents of the bowl. I turned them over and over, familiarizing myself with them. The energy, the place, the space, the human….and I was alive..finally …..and Life Begins Again.

Thank you Alyse for pushing, pulling, inspiring, breathing and walking with me. For wording with me!! For the encouragement and for helping me put that inner critic to sleep. Life feels good my friend and I miss writing with you.

Love and peace to you always ❤

Settle in

So, settle in my love

into your heart

and into your skin

Sometimes its you

and only you

and that’s okay

and you will stumble

and fall

and rise

again

So settle into your bones

and into your truth

It’s okay to hang on

and to let go

you have realized

when everything was gone

so were they

and they will miss whats to come

because you’ve saved the best

for last

So settle in

life is fragile

and so is  love

know that times change

and people go

and we grow

So, my love, settle in

to your life

because it’s just beginning

 

 

 

 

 

Just a little more, just a little less

Just a little more sadness, a little more happiness, a little less memories and just a little more letting go. Sometimes its hard to realize the value that relationships have or lack thereof when there is no benefit for the other people. It is in the depth of trial that you will see the true colors of those who claimed they cared or they have love for you. Let your circumstances drastically change and see who you are left with. Believe me when I say change will filter out your life.

Change….inevitable

Change….growth

So here we grow….

Growth. Sometimes painful but always necessary to push forward.

I am an observer. I watch and collect thoughts, words and actions of others. I am patient because all will be revealed in time. I listen to the words that aren’t spoken, whats in between in the still silent moments. I watch the eyes and the actions. People reveal themselves. I just have a an unhealthy knack for believing that people are different, for giving second and third….and a million chances. I am working on this habit or pattern.

This morning I have a million thoughts running through my mind. One is that some people will complain about what others do to them and turn around and treat people who are in their life the same way. I don’t understand this behavior, but it’s not mine to understand. I am collecting it for future reference so that when and if it happens again I am aware and can avoid the situation.

I suppose I am dumping head trash this morning…thinking through writing. Exploring whats leaving, hopeful for whats ahead and settling into this new place in life. It carries many different emotions.

Through this change and growth if I have learned one thing, it is that I have strength. I have stood by people and carried them when they couldn’t or didn’t want to carry themselves. I have learned at the end of the day it comes down to me. We take care of ourselves, we are responsible for our own happiness and for how we accept and allow others to treat us.

Just a little less pain

Just a lot more safe

and

Just a little more wise…

Peace for your Monday

16 again….

To be 16 again

and feel the butterflies

flutter by

To turn on the lights

and dump your head

Too close

and not close enough

To smile

and completely

revel in

the glorious

glow

of youth

To know the

truth

And feel

the pain

ease

and

happiness

again

All the things

you thought

were gone

but reappeared

And now you know

that you waited

too long…

to feel 16 again

 

I have written you a million different times

In as many different ways

On a hundred different days

You never change

The ink does

Blue

Black

and other shades too

Let me color your world

with my words

 

Let me in

where no one else has been

Let me show you what I see

in you

reflections

without rejections

tenderness

without hesitation

Lets dive

to the core

of all that is dark

and seek the light

to emerge

And dive

again

for

more

 

What do you speak into the Universe?

So last November, sitting at a light on Desert Inn and Cimarron I spoke the words “I am ready for change, whatever you give me I am ready for”. By February of this year I wasn’t ready but my words came to light. I believe more than ever that what we speak into the Universe will manifest in our lives. I have been more careful lately and so much more specific. So things changed drastically and quickly. It took some time to adjust to this new life that I asked for. And I wonder why I wasn’t more specific now…. and I know it’s because I wasn’t supposed to be…Every thing is falling into place. Better roads have been placing themselves before me. I observe and pay attention now. What is meant to be is coming together.

Fast forward to last Friday morning, it’s after 1 am and I driving home (damn Desert Inn), I did it again. I was more specific this time. Details….I spoke the fine details of what desire into life. I believe there is a higher power that listens when we speak, regardless of our belief system there are greater forces preparing for what is to come next for us.

And then everything changed yesterday…a simple, subtle change. Checking myself at 5:27 pm “remember what you asked for?”. I do. So now it’s placed before me and it will change a lot, if I allow it. I asked for it, I was specific. It has been constant in my thoughts since then. I take a breath and exhale…..these words come to mind

Permanence in a temporary world

I am not sure where this is really meant to go…I just know I come here to think and heal. Tonight its to contemplate what is placed before me. To feel my way through this, to explore my emotions. I have never been this specific…its time, I know, for a change. Its time to take care of me. To stop coming in last with certain people in my life.

What do you speak into the Universe? Are you specific?

I think I am being shown that what I want is possible, its my choice. It’s up to me. The Universe is conspiring to help me achieve it.

Peace for your Sunday evening ❤

And I wait for you 

For the phone to ring

for a smile

for the dream

and the motion

to heal our wounds

and tug at our scars

to embrace the moment

and savor the years

to see the age in your hair

and lines around my eyes

from the way you make me smile

I wait for your hand

for your touch

for every part of you

I crave so much

I will wait

for the man I know you are

and the woman I am

with you

And

I

will

wait

for

you

And I tripped and fell in love….

This morning as I searched for words to feed my soul, I came across the sweet perfection of Joan Miro and her thoughts on two of my favorite things. Paint and words.

Her words tasted so sweet, filled the void and sparked a creative place I sought to satisfy. Twice in the last few days I have been diving deeply into my writing and lost what I was working on. I think that my words weren’t supposed to make it here…that I am capable of more, of something greater.

I have often entertained the idea of writing a piece based on a painting or painter I know, or even a friend who is a photographer and has captured something that sits with my soul. Something I can’t let go of. A story I need to tell or a poem that is seeking to escape the corridors of my mind.

Paint and poetry….black and white, full of brilliant color and life. I resonate with people I know who paint and who write. Art…it lights and fuels the creative fire. I think people light people up that way. Joan’s words sent me spinning…not able to think, see or do anything for some time after letting them settle in and absorbing the full-scale of what they created within my written mind.

I felt the love story of the Painter and the Poet, their love affair

The two people who create from damaged places and never cross paths

The two who find each other after many lifetimes of waiting and light the world on fire with their art and words

The mother and daughter….the times she cherishes that are no longer here. She holds those moments in her heart.

Friends who bond over rose tea and write about life and love

The way the paint feels on my skin and looks on my clothes when I am done

The words that tell a story. If I close my eyes I can remember the moment I picked up a brush and how it felt.

The words.

The.

Words.

THE WORDS.

The words….

I can tell you about the poem I wrote for him and how it will never mean as much to him as it does to me. The poem I wrote for two mothers, for a best friend, for a life that is no longer here, for a love that I crave….I can tell you the moments that led me to my words. How people lifted me up, destroyed me and taught me the most valuable lessons I have ever learned.

Can you paint me a picture? It will give life to my words.

Paint your life….Write your life…but more importantly love your life. Create your life. Whatever your modality is dive so deeply into it that when you surface you are satisfied in a way that fills you up so completely.

So there it is….my words

Peace for this Sunday in your life…and for every day ❤

 

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