Love. Alone. Lonely.

I knew for days what my next post would be about….about love.

That all changed…..a few words and actions and that shit isn’t as important as it once was. So here I am on a Friday night lost in thought and drifting in a┬áriver of words. Maybe this should be about love….is there such a thing as good love? Does it matter?

Yes, it’s about love

If you would have asked me months ago what love would feel like, I was so sure it would be earth-shaking, weak in the knees, breathless love. Then a few days ago I thought, thought, that maybe love was easy and silent and slipped in when you least expected it, from someone you never imagined loving or loving you. Maybe it was the quiet storm that crept up on you and grew daily. I am not so sure…..I LOVE YOU and LOVE YOU. Is there a difference? I have heard there is. I love you….for your partner, the one your heart loves, Love you….a friend or a buddy. Someone you hang out with, pass time with, but you aren’t really in love with.

And then there is never enough…what happens when you know that you are never enough for someone? You Are Never Really Enough..then what?? Where do you go with that? When you ache for words…kind words, not cutting remarks or negative jabs. When you ache for a little something kind and affectionate….an extended hug or glance that’s more than…just more.

Alone and lonely…big difference. You can come home alone, to an empty house, or you can eat alone, shop alone, go out alone or stay in alone. Lonely….it happens everywhere. In a room full of people. Next to someone you think cares. Across the table from your family, shopping, going out or staying in lonely.

Yes, happiness is temporary and fleeting….Love, what is that? The purest form is for my daughter. Beyond that? What is love?

Enough for tonight….

This morning….

I woke to dreams of oversized shirts

and good coffee

Of a man that’s not here

I woke to a cold

quiet

house

Where nothing echoes in the hall

No footsteps coming up the

stairs

No freshly pressed

love

It’s the same as it was yesterday

and the day before

Loneliness is periodic insanity

Every now and then

someone

somewhere

will make an appearance in my space

to

say hello

or check

for breath or life

and then its back to the reality of

one

 

Tonight

I reach for you in the dark of night

when I am alone

My bed has never seemed so big

or so empty

I long for the warmth of your body

in the space next to me

I close my eyes and inhale

what must be your scent

I lay my head on your chest

and listen to the sound of you

Your arm pulls me in

and I am at ease….

And I wait

endlessly

for you

tonight

 

In between

One winter day she woke up….

and she let go.

As she exhaled for the last time, she dove into the darkness of the abyss

When she came up for air

she stepped through the door

The grass greener than she could have ever imagined

The fragrance of the flowers like nothing in the space before

The sun felt warm and new…like nothing she had ever felt

The smile that crossed her face felt like the first time she really knew happiness

There were no sounds that compared to what she was hearing here in this space

No words, no one else, no one more

The trees towered higher than anything she could have imagined…

As she laid down in the meadow, she never dreamed that when she closed here eyes

She would wake up here….

again

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