My wish for you….

Over the last few days words keep coming to the surface and I think of things I want to write about. As we approach another new year all I could think of was people in my life or people that I have connected with on some level and what I wish for them. So this is my list:

My wish for you is that…..

You realize that you are stronger than you think and capable of incredible things
You never accept less than you deserve and never let anyone treat you poorly
You will always know contentment and a deep inner peace
You know my love is unconditional, steadfast, and true
You listen to the quiet inner voice that guides you
Your children realize what a good woman you are, how much you do for them, and that they are more patient with you
You NEVER let anything hold you back
You realize not all men/women are bad, and that sometimes extraordinary hellos can come after really hard goodbyes
You start treating people better and learn to make meaningful connections
Your heart heals
You find what you are looking for
You understand the pain you cause others, and that its no longer okay or acceptable
You value yourself
You love yourself
Small things in life are meaningful, these are the true gifts
You know what it feels like to be loved completely
You stop waiting for someday, its up to you to reach for what you want and more so what you deserve
You know that there are two sides to every story, and that some people aren’t as bad as you have been told

Just a few random wishes for some people I know….

Otherwise my wish for you is….a life you love, full of contentment and happiness.

Peace for your Tuesday evening ❤

January 2, 2019 0

Coffee with you this morning

I sat across from her listening to her reveal the layers of her life while we sipped coffee this morning. Warm, comforting goodness in a rather large cup and the security of knowing her secrets were safe with me (and yes, she knows I am writing this).

We discussed why things happen the way they do and why life can’t be a little more gentle. I told her maybe if we were more gentle with ourselves the Universe would return it to us.

You see, she has been in a situation that is not healthy for her mind, body and soul..and hardest on her heart. I told her you cannot expect someone to treat you as you treat them. It doesn’t always work out that way. Show up, be authentic and hope that you are interacting with a decent human being.

She told me that the relationship she has been in is one-sided for, well, for a very long time. I am sad for her. She deserves so much better. The people who this other person chooses to look at or pay attention to are so different from her and would never treat her counterpart as well as she does.

Her eyes fell to her hands wrapped around her cup and tears silently ran down her cheeks.

I wonder how people can treat people so poorly and not even think twice about it. How they can justify their actions in their mind as okay? If she isn’t what you want, set her free. She deserves kindness, love, friendship and most of all respect and loyalty.

She deserves what she gives to you.

She is well put together, takes care of her self and her responsibilities and there she is trying to save remnants of something…something….I can’t even classify what she is trying to save. Her heart? Her sanity? They have destroyed her….weakened her. She allowed it. She is partially to blame, but so are they. It’s amazing to me that some people can’t take responsibility for their actions that caused cracks in the foundation of a relationship. Its easier to lay blame on the innocent and make them feel like it was their fault that they stayed, tried and tolerated bullshit that they shouldn’t have. Wouldn’t you want someone to give you a second chance if you messed up? And when she did it was met with more secrets and betrayal.

I get her Kleenex and hug her. She cries and we sit in silence for a while. I shift the conversation to some small vacations I want to take this year…she has some interest. She thinks about going to see family or friends in California for a few days. There are things to see in life and good people still exist out there. Life will move forward and time will ease the emotions she feels.

She asks why? I have no logical answer why she lets this happen. There are people who remind her of who she is, where she has been and what she is worth. I know there are people who would love her wholly in a moment if she allowed them. And while I understand they are not for her, I just try to comfort her by telling her there is someone who would appreciate the woman she is.

So here is to the security of good friends, warm cups of coffee, the things in life that pull us to together because of whats torn us apart.

It’s a new day…..

January 7, 2018 1

…see what shimmers within the storm

And so it is

After several weeks of chaos and sitting with overwhelming feelings of sadness and almost despair I have had a few epiphanies…I love that word. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

My happiness is dependent solely upon me. I cannot depend on anyone else to give me what I need. I also need to start taking caring of myself the way I take care of others. I give relentlessly to people in my life, but never treat myself as well. People will take from you without hesitation, a lesson I have learned well, and then begin to expect it. Two things are sitting with me….I need to build my own future and I need to work on creating the life that I love. No dependancy..not happiness or anything else on anyone. I am hopeful for many things in my life. If I put the positive thoughts out there I will achieve them….send them out into the Universe and they will return.

Its funny when I give to strangers it comes back to me amplified. This is not something I do with intention…I mean I don’t give to receive. I give because that’s who I am. I don’t like to see people go without. One of my favorite things is giving to people who don’t expect it. It seems like it’s appreciated more. Within hours or days, every time, in some way it’s returned to me.

Its time to rearrange my mind-set. To look out for me. I know not everyone has my best interests at heart…maybe none of my interests at heart. So I start taking care of me and let life take the lead. I’ll be happy on my own accord. I read a quote from Abraham Hicks a few days ago and although I am not a follower it really resonated with me.

“When you believe something is hard,

the Universe demonstrates the difficulty.

When you believe something is easy.

the Universe demonstrates ease.”

~ Abraham Hicks~

When I left my house that day I smiled more at strangers and practiced more patience. I felt good for the first time in days and I felt better about everything. I felt like the old me with a little bit more of a tough exterior. I believe that happiness is self-created and can be enhanced by others in our lives as well, but not necessarily. At the end of the day its a conscious choice. We may be hit with circumstances that test us but it is our choice how we react.

I have distanced myself from some people, which is required for my peace of mind. It doesn’t mean I need to cut them completely out, or that I don’t love them, I need to love me too and be more mindful of my boundaries. This makes me wonder how the people in my life would feel if I treated them as they treat me. I am sure many would have moved along already.

I am glad in this day. My heart is good and my intentions are pure. Struggle is definite. Self-care, self-love and healing are imperative.

Happy Wednesday in your life…..

See what shimmers…..

September 13, 2017 0

“Feel Free”

Feel Free

I fall into my routine and think about what needs to be done. Then I drift to whats been done to me. The age of 13 keeps coming up. I read a passage in The 5 Love Languages today and thats where it all started.

“Something in our natures cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments. At the heart of humankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another” Chapman, Gary, The 5 Love Languages

I believe that I am a likable person and a good human so when I am not acknowledged or intentionally ignored it is devastating. I took and bath and read a book, pulled a writing prompt and ended up in my 13 year old life for a few moments.

When I was 13 my Mom was married to a verbally abusive alcoholic. He would drink beer every night. And then we bought cases for the week and on Friday he started with hard alcohol. They say that women pick men like the father or father figure in their life from 12 to 16 or maybe its 13 to 16. This makes perfect sense for me now. I have really had some time to think about the men I have had in my life. I thought I did good when “I picked” a man. You see I let the long-term relationships I have had, not a lot, pick me. Well I finally picked a man and he was….well he just was. He wasnt an alcoholic and I have my thoughts on what he did in our time…actually I know what has been to me, by admission and then by action. Actions, by all means, speak louder than words.

When we went to live with Arnold I was 12. Out of sight, out of mind. Stay quiet and in your room and you didn’t feel the repercussions for being 12 and not his biological child. If I was lucky I was ignored and that was a lot. I never realized until the last several years of my life how hurtful it is to be ignored. There are actual articles out there that say the damage of someone ignoring you is worse than physical abuse. When I am not acknowledged its like saying…”it doesnt matter if you are here, you don’t exist, you aren’t worthy of my time”. First I hurt and then I hate and I am not a hateful person. I acknowledge everyone…yes, everyone. I would never ignore someone on purpose. I have more compassion, understanding and emotions than to hurt someone like that.

I don’t know how the prompt of “Feel Free” led me to this, that’s not whats important. The flow is important, the emptying of thoughts. And whats more important is sitting with my own feelings. The feeling of not mattering, of reaching into my core and knowing I DO FUCKING matter, even if it’s not to you. Think about how you treat people….and then ask yourself how you would feel if someone treated you that way….Some people lack empathy and compassion and decent common courtesy.

Be A Good Human….<3 and yes, treat people how you would like to be treated

Peace for Sunday and all days ❤

July 3, 2017 1