48 hours ago

 

48 hours ago

I touched some old wounds

I remembered how hurt I’ve been

I felt the tears well

And the pain come up

Never enough

Or

Somehow too much

48 hours ago

I allowed myself a few tears

12 hours later a few more

And again this evening

I seek meaning

I teeter for hours

And moments

And a few days

48 hours ago

I was reminded how much I’ve endured

How many times I set myself aside

And all the hurt feelings I held in

48 hours ago I embraced the woman I am and the knowledge that I will never change

But yet….

I’m so different from 48 hours ago

And just like that

And just like that my life changed

I asked for so long for what I wanted. I asked for change, said I was ready. In February, with incredible force, I was hit with what I asked for, but not in a way I thought would come. It took me almost two months to find my balance again, maybe another month after that to really sink into this new life. When everything changed it set in motion a string of events that would lead me to here and now.

Life has never tasted so sweet and felt so good.

So this weekend we took a Coleman mattress in the back yard and watched planes go by and he pointed out constellations, planets…The Northern Cross for me. No one has ever done that. He shares with me…The first night we stayed awake, the second I asked to go again. As we watched in silence with sleepy eyes a shooting star made its way across the sky. My poor man, I thought I was going to come up off that mattress and he probably thought he would too, because of me. Such a good night, such a good weekend. We slept several hours outside that night.

We have such good weekends together. I told him this morning I wouldn’t want to be his neighbors. We laughed. He is so very good to me, so kind and loving. We laugh, talk a little trash, have our own little language and we are good friends.  We are building a relationship with a solid foundation made up of many personal fine details that are only sharable between him and I. This is what happiness and good life is made of.

It’s the small things in life that are the most important. The man who shows you the stars, who makes time for you, who accepts all of you just the way you are. The man you can tell all of your secrets to without fear of judgement or hesitation. The man  who cooks with you and lets you (eventually) find your way around his kitchen 🙂 Who is patient and understanding, yes, its him. I am grateful for the changes…every single one of them. I know what is important. I appreciate it all.

And just like that I fell into him ❤

Happy Sunday in your life….

Remember its the little things ❤

 

Just a little more, just a little less

Just a little more sadness, a little more happiness, a little less memories and just a little more letting go. Sometimes its hard to realize the value that relationships have or lack thereof when there is no benefit for the other people. It is in the depth of trial that you will see the true colors of those who claimed they cared or they have love for you. Let your circumstances drastically change and see who you are left with. Believe me when I say change will filter out your life.

Change….inevitable

Change….growth

So here we grow….

Growth. Sometimes painful but always necessary to push forward.

I am an observer. I watch and collect thoughts, words and actions of others. I am patient because all will be revealed in time. I listen to the words that aren’t spoken, whats in between in the still silent moments. I watch the eyes and the actions. People reveal themselves. I just have a an unhealthy knack for believing that people are different, for giving second and third….and a million chances. I am working on this habit or pattern.

This morning I have a million thoughts running through my mind. One is that some people will complain about what others do to them and turn around and treat people who are in their life the same way. I don’t understand this behavior, but it’s not mine to understand. I am collecting it for future reference so that when and if it happens again I am aware and can avoid the situation.

I suppose I am dumping head trash this morning…thinking through writing. Exploring whats leaving, hopeful for whats ahead and settling into this new place in life. It carries many different emotions.

Through this change and growth if I have learned one thing, it is that I have strength. I have stood by people and carried them when they couldn’t or didn’t want to carry themselves. I have learned at the end of the day it comes down to me. We take care of ourselves, we are responsible for our own happiness and for how we accept and allow others to treat us.

Just a little less pain

Just a lot more safe

and

Just a little more wise…

Peace for your Monday

And I miss you

Settled in for the night…

Long day, long few days. My mind drifts to you, and I miss you. Your words,  wisdom and synchronistic poems that had more meaning for our lives than others could understand. Pulling cards and writing our hearts out, laughter and tears and vulnerability….but wait..safety and comfort too. And I miss you ❤

I have hardly written at all…too much to say and overwhelmed with thoughts. I applied for jobs and caught up on emails and so here I am, settled in with my girl and our animals. There was popcorn and coconut oil in the pantry and truffle salt in the cabinet. So I made popcorn like you make and we are here and you are there and I miss writing with you more than you know.  An almost finished letter sits on my desk…so maybe tomorrow….

Here is to writing and women….and circles

New beginnings and scary endings

And true friendships and rain

And now

 

Peace in your life and for your Thursday

Enough….

You will never be enough for someone who isn’t ready for someone like you. I have observed that it doesn’t really matter how well you love, give or do for someone who isn’t ready for someone like you, it will never be enough.

I went to the market last night and there is a manager there who is always happy and friendly. Even when it’s insanely busy and people are incredibly short, Bobby always has a kind word and a smile for everyone. So as he was helping me I asked him plainly…”what is the secret to life?” He said “To truly know yourself. You are in charge of what you allow someone to take from you. You accept how they treat you, to truly know yourself and your worth is the key”. I think I could have stayed in that line for another half hour receiving his wisdom. Everyone teaches us something, it’s up to us to receive and accept the knowledge. I accepted it….and went home clearer than I was when I arrived.

We are responsible for the energy we give away and the time and effort that is not reciprocated.  We are responsible for how we allow people to treat us. A few things to consider:

  • What is your worth?
  • What are your values?
  • Do you seek these values in the person you are dating or interested in? Do you seek them in the people you surround yourself with?
  • What makes you happy?
  • Do you settle for less than you deserve? Why?
  • What qualities are important to you? Shouldn’t you seek friends or relationships with people who share the same qualities?
  • What do you want for your future?

 

Its important not to waste people’s time or let them waste yours.

I wouldn’t change or take back the things in life that have happened to me, I would not be who I am or know the amazing people who add quality to my days. I know my worth, but the strange part is that I allow people in my life who don’t know or acknowledge it. I know what I want in friendships and a relationship. I can honestly say that the friendships I have now are good, strong friendships that have been in place as far back as 35 years. That says something to me…it says a lot.

Certain experiences have made me a little more guarded, lessons received. I know that some situations repeat themselves until you have had enough and choose change. At some point we will be vulnerable again with others and open ourselves to love and change and more importantly chance.

Chance, Change, Clarity and Certainty

Be mindful of how much of yourself you give to someone who you aren’t enough for…in the end it’s not you who isn’t enough. Some are just never satisfied.

Some of my favorite words “We only pass by this way once”.

So, Peace for you Saturday and for 2018

 

 

Someone’s someone……

Listening is the art of entering the skin of the other
and wearing it for a time as if it were your own.
– David Spangler –

 

After a sleepless night and a long conversation with a girlfriend this morning I found myself here. I love this quote from David Spangler, its perfect. Everyone has a story that needs to be told or emotions that need to be expressed and acknowledged.

As we spoke I listened to her tell me about situations in her life and how they are repetitive. How other situations keep coming up but she doesn’t take the risk to see if they are worth anything or can propel her forward. She is comfortable and uncomfortable where she is. Its familiar.

They say that if its making you uncomfortable, its forcing you to change.

Anyway, I think of her life and her children. I support her and lift her up with words of encouragement. I am her “someone” who will always been here. At 4 am when she can’t sleep or at 5 pm when she wants to chat.

Anyway….the thing that brought me here is chances and opportunity. I think life hands us what we are ready for what we need. It is up to us to see the good or bad, or maybe to take the risk which may send us to something wonderful.

Do you honor and value yourself enough to know what you deserve?

Are you someones “someone” who listens without judgment and with love?

Can you put yourself in another’s shoes or skin and see life from their point of view?

What you accept is what will continue…..give yourself credit where credit is due. I feel we can say to ourselves that we have done a good job or we are good people. Self talk is an important part of self-care. It’s so easy to tell someone about their worth. IF you have poor self talk habits think about this…would you stand by and allow someone to speak to another the way you speak to yourself? If the answer is no, its time to adjust your thoughts and words about yourself.

So today….just be someone’s someone ❤

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

What do you take for granted? And what part of your life do you repeat with the same results?

I have been thinking about this a lot over the last few days. What do we take for granted? Or who? What are we repeating so that nothing changes?? What is stagnant in your life?

For me it’s probably the time we think we have with people in our lives. Things change and with these changes comes perspective. Life isn’t forever and we seem to let so much slip by us and only give it a thought when we lose someone close to us. It is sad that it takes something of such permanence to make us appreciate what or who we had. To make us think a little more clear and honor ourselves, those around us and this glorious thing called life. When a life, relationship or friend ceases to exist that’s when we realize the importance of it. It’s not only about life and death…but life and loss. And love.

You may think that your loved one, friend, partner..spouse or however you want to define what you have, will always be there without hesitation. People need to know they are loved, appreciated and cared for. If you let time slip by you may not have the opportunity to let them know. Small, simple gestures, I have learned and experienced are the greatest. Reaching out periodically, because true ties surpass time and space. I am blessed to have many people in my life that I can pick right back up with without hesitation.

I have observed people who wont take chances or make changes necessary to move forward or make their experience better. The lonely and heartbroken who wont take a chance simply because they don’t want the same experience to be repeated. I think that risk is in order for them. That heartbreak or bad experience came with some good, there was a road taken to get there and it couldn’t have all been bad. Or maybe you chose to ignore the red flags, I know I have, I am more than sure we all have. It is said that the Universe gives you what you are ready for. So it is given, placed perfectly in your path and you choose what?? Fight it and push forward continuing the same existence or you open the door and allow it in? Everyone experiences pain…but in the same, they experience great happiness as well.

So,

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It. Will. Always. Stay. The. Same.

If. You. Don’t. Change. It.

Change is imminent. It comes right on time when we need it most. I think we are given what we are ready for. That it’s up to us to accept it and create something wonderful from it or at least take the risk to see whats possible.  I know personally I am always up for that risk. I will always love and forgive as much as I can. It doesn’t mean I need to continue or stay. It might even mean I love myself enough to take better care of me.  I have experienced people leaving too soon and not being able to say what I wanted too, friendships have ceased to exist or we outgrew each other and people have treated me shitty. I don’t return the favor because at some point in life, someone or some situations will give it right back to them. It’s not for us to be unkind or cruel because someone has treated us that way. Life will deal the hand accordingly, it’s better to be a bystander when this is the case, instead of a participant.

So this is life. Treat people the way you want to be treated and in return I hope what you give out is given back in great amounts.

Be kind. Be good. Be true. Be the best you that you can be.

Peace for your Tuesday night.

One more…..
What you take for granted…someone else is praying for ❤

My Sisters

My sisters are amazing….I have more than I can count. I have gathered and collected them throughout the years. There was a period in my life that I did not trust women and would only allow the few that were already behind the wall of trust to stay. In the last several years I have made some amazing friendships and rekindled old ones. Its amazing when many years have passed and there are some friends that never stop being there.

I have worked on myself and damaged myself. It’s a vicious cycle. I tolerate inadequate treatment by so many people and hope for the good. There are still so many inconsiderate people in my life and you can bet I would be riddled with unkind words if I pulled the bullshit on them that they pull on me. One of my favorite things is when someone doesn’t acknowledge you….kidding about the favorite part, but it does show you where you stand with someone and exactly how much they care about you. Not very much in my opinion and I am not one of those who treat people as they treat me,  so to act like they do is not an option for me. I just know you can only hurt someone so much before they are desensitized to that behavior and it no longer matters.

My sisters…..good women. Women who listen and love regardless of the choices I make. They are beautiful and have incredible hearts. I hope that I am half the friend to them that they are to me.

Recently I was having a conversation with one of my favorite blonde counter parts and I said can you imagine how happy we would be if we took each others advice…now that’s funny.

I have sisters in so many states….sometimes my heart aches to be close to them. I miss them. Life happens and we live….keeping connected through heartstrings. I miss their faces, smiles and hugs. We laugh and cry together…I am grateful for them. I suppose I am lonely for them more so tonight….life is about changes. About making yourself happy. I know what their advice would be….and I know what mine would be. When you are in a situation and aren’t sure what you should do…I think you should step out and look in. So what would your advice be to your sisters or for men, your brothers? That’s the advice you should take for yourself. Sometimes you can’t fix broken….sometimes things continue to happen, people continue to treat you poorly and think you are not aware of it.  I wont go any deeper…I just know my sisters will lift me up when I fall. Where would we be without the support of those who love us? I will continue to take the risk and make new friends….I will continue to risk my heart in hopes that there is someone who can hold it the way it needs to be held and reciprocate the love I have to give.

This is for you, my sisters, I honor and love you. To our good times and bad, days filled with people and lonely times too. Without you I don’t know where I would be….

It’s time for change…..

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