I wrote this last year, the exact date is unimportant. I am clearing space for a new life and stumbled across these words this evening…it says a lot about my frame of mind then. About the place I came from and the circle I had at that time…..
Sometimes I can hardly breathe for the thoughts running through my mind. This morning I struggle with self value, my worth. I know that I am worthy of good things in life, but sometimes they are so hard to accept. Love and kindness from others are sometimes the hardest gifts to receive.
We compare ourselves to others. To what and who we hear about the most. At least this is my experience. I have to write to think this through. My emotions are unsettled, the dust has been stirred. I think this is a natural state when you step into a newness so rare that it feels like a language you have never spoken.
Life has been pretty hard sometimes. From friendships to relationships. Everyone has always wanted something…everyone. Everyone. So when someone comes and asks or expects nothing except what you are willing to give…meaning if you show kindness and love this is only what is expected in return. When you can give exactly what you expect and it is returned, that is a true gift.
Sometimes I have to…no, all the time I have to walk through and feel all the layers of emotions that are emerging. The love, sadness, disappointments..I have to let each emotion rise, feel my way around it…through it and inhale as I surface with it and release it.
Slow realization that we deserve more, better, something greater than every thing you have ever had. No more fractures, no more bruises, tears, let downs. No cheating. No more wondering who else has been or is a part of the relationship. No more watching someone while they watch someone else. No more hate, no more pain. Just no more. I released it all, refused to carry anyones baggage.
Life is different now….for me life is so different now. Many months have passed since this was written, written in the beginning of a brand new. A brand new that was terrifying because it was everything I had asked for and wanted. Consistency. Stability. Honesty. Trust. Truth. Love. Friendship. And so much more. A Brand New.
So I wonder “How is that dish best served?”