Tag: dark

Sunday evening…..

A long drive home, plenty of time to get lost in thought. Cooking for a few days ahead, laundry, the Bird, the Win and the Tunes. The air filters on and off as the scent of the night linger. The neighbors grilling and their children playing, the family on the other side play catch with their dogs. These are the sounds of my night.

A long drive home, the to do list, the chuck it list and the sweet thoughts about the weekend. You took me to the ballet and I fell in love. So beautiful and heartbreaking. Yes, please, again and a again. In our good clothes we end up in a neighborhood bar, watching the game, enjoying our own company and singing now and then. Everyone falls away and its only you and I.

The contrast of our life….sleep ins, but what about those 6 am mornings? Its been a while, but they are so good. Soft rains and sitting outside, I am sure it was around 3 am. And I am sure I wouldn’t want to be your neighbors. This is what middle of life looks like. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Routine and not so much…sgood (yes, sgood).

So Sunday night. Highs and lows. Feeling my feelings, which I am convinced no one could completely, ever understand. The intuition that kicks in, the words people speak that hurt and the actions they show which do the same. I am observant, a lot more than people give me credit for.

The pineapple mango candle that fills the living room was a gift from a strong woman I admire that I don’t see any more, but think of more than she knows. Permanently stiched in the threads of my heart.

And Theresa, my Idaho Theresa, I hold her heart in my hands, always.

Life is short and should be well lived. I don’t hold fast to the past or the people who damaged pages of my story. I don’t “what if”, because quite honestly there isn’t anything worth “what if’ing”. I love my life in the now.

Instead I have been reminded recently of how short life is. How temporary and fleeting. I think of the quote that carries the words “finite and fragile”, life and love relate to those words for me. We should love while we can. We are not promised….anything. There isn’t a too fast or too slow, we do what is right for us. This is more than the half way point, the rest will be the best. If you can’t feel that, can you feel?

So these are just a few pieces of my extravagant life I choose to share. The human, the moments, breathing, sitting in gratitude for what I have and where I have been. For wisdom. For life.

For all of it.

This is my Sunday evening…..

 

Peace for your Sunday evening….and every day ❤

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Surface

Dig down deep

can you swim

in your own murky waters..

Surfacing

inhaling

holding

on

exhaling

and

letting go

Can you accept another at their depth

Can you hold their darkness

while they seek their light

compassion

empathy

kindness

understanding

can you…

can you embrace the darkest parts of you

and hold another in your light

Can you breathe

Sadness

Grief

loss

the things we struggle with

What lies beneath

the surface

is the most beautiful parts of a human soul

 

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Her list

She made a list once

Of the things that needed to be taken care of

When she wasn’t here any more

Who to call

and contact

and lean on

All the information needed

in the finality of life

And then she learned

about another lady who made a list

Much like hers

And she realized that it was

not the time for her list

So she tucked it away

Hoping and knowing

time heals

and mends

and changes

and sometimes it’s not good

to make lists like hers

 

 

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And the reality of it is….

Life is ever-changing. Sometimes it is slow and steady, and sometimes it shakes the foundation of everything you know. Change…is constant and consistent even if we are unaware. Every. Single. Day.

I have learned a lot in life and not always in an easy manner. I have learned about forgiveness. Perhaps one of my greatest lessons is forgiveness. I have learned that when you pick someone up in their darkest hours it doesn’t mean that they will be there when you are merely treading water. Also that when you listen without judgement it wont necessarily be returned when you need it….not from where you thought it would.

Change…colors of leaves…thats what I think of first. Life is changing daily. New choices and decisions. New direction and roads.

The black pants and the white blouse? Hair up or down? Do people judge you because of your tattoos? Weird, random thoughts. Sometimes things just don’t make sense, and sometimes I know they aren’t supposed to.

A new day and a new page. Do you change the paper? Do you change the ink? Solid or lined? You just change.

And the reality of it is ….you go with the flow and learn to begin again. You learn to stop treading and start swimming again. To remember who you are and realize that you are a valuable human being.

And the reality is…you learn to forgive yourself for being hard on you.

Peace for your Saturday night and always.

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Someone once asked….

And someone once asked her what she wanted…

She wanted to sit in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon and work on the book that she had written a million times in her mind. She wanted to feed her soul with the things she felt most connected to. Words.

Her friends painted and wrote, weaved and crafted treasures for little shops and big. They took pictures of objects and people who fed their souls. They healed their wounds by creating beautiful pieces and places in this life. They left their mark. Yes, she wanted to leave a mark in this life that had meaning.

What did she want? Peace, calm…steady, easy rhythm to life. Not a roller coaster and of ifs and maybes. She wanted certainty. She wanted rain, coffee shops and bookstores. Tea and rosemary, lavender and honey…random simplicities. Big coffee mugs and good people. She wants to listen and be heard, to lift people up and kneel down with…laugh, cry and live life with.

She learned about crows and eagles alone on a desolate road at 12:40 am on a Wednesday morning. She knew about darkness and diving into the depths of it and resurfacing with some clarity. She knew about sleeping and rising alone, and feeling connected and disconnected from life and people.

But it wasnt about what she knew, it was about what she wanted.

Love and happiness……pens and paper….paint and canvas.

Life.

Today she wanted life more than yesterday.

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It is I

For it is I that will love you

In every way

On a million sleepless nights

And at the breaking dawn

And it is I that will love you

without hesitation

and without reservation

And it is I that will wait for you

For the curtain to fall

and the sun to rise

In every moment

to my demise

For my love,

my love knows no beginning

and no definite end

But change

and growth

moving forward

and letting go

and digging in

It is I

 

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Take a deeper look……

Take a deeper look at the woman you are with.

What do you see?

She will not show you every layer of who she is, because she doesn’t trust that fully.

She will supply you with amazing strength, kindness and love, but will rarely do the same for herself.

She is a mother, a daughter, a sister, friend…she is a lot.

And she is too little sometimes.

Take a deeper look.

If you cannot walk the walk with her, move on.

She doesn’t deserve a half assed love or coming in last.

Take a deeper look…

she laughs and cries,

she is funny and serious

She seeks permanence in a temporary world

Are you strong enough to dive into the depth of the being that she is?

To witness every layer that makes up the person she is

Take a deeper look at yourself….

Will you allow her to see you for who you are at your core?

To bare you secrets at the darkest

and share your greatest accomplishments

Are you able to reveal yourself ?

To be the glorious being you are and let her celebrate you

and accept you

Take a deeper look…..

What do you see?

And how much of you do you allow others to see?

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…see what shimmers within the storm

And so it is

After several weeks of chaos and sitting with overwhelming feelings of sadness and almost despair I have had a few epiphanies…I love that word. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

My happiness is dependent solely upon me. I cannot depend on anyone else to give me what I need. I also need to start taking caring of myself the way I take care of others. I give relentlessly to people in my life, but never treat myself as well. People will take from you without hesitation, a lesson I have learned well, and then begin to expect it. Two things are sitting with me….I need to build my own future and I need to work on creating the life that I love. No dependancy..not happiness or anything else on anyone. I am hopeful for many things in my life. If I put the positive thoughts out there I will achieve them….send them out into the Universe and they will return.

Its funny when I give to strangers it comes back to me amplified. This is not something I do with intention…I mean I don’t give to receive. I give because that’s who I am. I don’t like to see people go without. One of my favorite things is giving to people who don’t expect it. It seems like it’s appreciated more. Within hours or days, every time, in some way it’s returned to me.

Its time to rearrange my mind-set. To look out for me. I know not everyone has my best interests at heart…maybe none of my interests at heart. So I start taking care of me and let life take the lead. I’ll be happy on my own accord. I  read a quote from Abraham Hicks a few days ago and although I am not a follower it really resonated with me.

“When you believe something is hard, 

the Universe demonstrates the difficulty.

When you believe something is easy.

the Universe demonstrates ease.” 

~ Abraham Hicks~ 

 

When I left my house that day I smiled more at strangers and practiced more patience. I felt good for the first time in days and I felt better about everything. I felt like the old me with a little bit more of a tough exterior.  I believe that happiness is self-created and can be enhanced by others in our lives as well, but not necessarily. At the end of the day its a conscious choice. We may be hit with circumstances that test us but it is our choice how we react.

I have distanced myself from some people, which is required for my peace of mind. It doesn’t mean I need to cut them completely out, or that I don’t love them, I need to love me too and be more mindful of my boundaries. This makes me wonder how the people in my life would feel if I treated them as they treat me.  I am sure many would have moved along already.

I am glad in this day. My heart is good and my intentions are pure. Struggle is definite. Self-care, self-love and healing are imperative.

Happy Wednesday in your life…..

See what shimmers…..

 

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The Modern Day Mom & PTSD

As defined by WEBMD: 

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), once called shell shock or battle fatigue syndrome, is a serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event in which serious physical harm occurred or was threatened. PTSD is a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror, such as a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, an accident, war, or natural disaster. Families of victims can also develop PTSD, as can emergency personnel and rescue workers.

Many people think that PTSD is an excuse. I would trade places with them in heartbeat if they would like to experience the effects of horrific events that led to my diagnosis.

I spent several years of my late teens being angry and making bad choices. The first traumatic event I can remember was a step father hitting me….and then a step father sexually abusing me….and then a step father emotionally and verbally terrorizing me. Some of these actions set me up for later choices in life.

I chose a man who beat me…this is when I would beg God for death. I couldn’t understand why I should still be here, but I was paralyzed for a time and couldn’t leave. The last time I can remember thinking this had to be it was when he punched me in the face and dropped me to the concrete at a local park. He helped me up and to the car. He would cry and beg me to forgive him. This was the last time…I knew that I wouldn’t last much longer if I stayed. The last time I heard his voice he threatened to put a bullet in my head because, the bullshit line, “If I can’t have you, no one can”. After that I became a shut in for about a year. The sound of a neighbor’s door slamming or the people at the end of the walk fighting would send me into blind fear. If I could only sleep the other four hours of the day away…then it would all be okay.

To this day I feel I can still feel the effects of that period in my life. If someone moves to quickly or if there is a loud noise. It may not affect me every time, but when I am deep in thought or preoccupied with something it hits me in waves. My soon to be ex husband once got in my face and I recoiled in fear which enraged him even more. He pointed his finger in my face and yelled “don’t act like you are afraid or that I have hit you” .  I can think of this moment now and realize what kind of man, who claims love, could be so uncaring or inconsiderate of what someone has been through. That is neither here nor there now….but a moment like that sets me back years in my healing process.

Fast forward three months and here I am….

I do that sometimes……I shut myself away from a lot. I don’t want to burden the world with my troubles, let alone burden the ones I love. I am seeing daylight again…finally. I finally hired an attorney because we get no where and I am as tired as he is. I want to move forward and cant with that part of m life. I have many thoughts and opinions concerning this that will wait until everything is final because sometimes people like to try to dig into my life.

So I finally slept last night….more solid than I have in a very long time. My PTSD has heightened recently because I fear his anger. So here I am….I have been doing a lot of diving into the effects and ways to heal help heal myself. I know it will never fully go away but I also know there are times it will subside. I think many events over the last three months that I have held in contributed to my recent state of mind. Not a very healthy state at all….

So here’s to sunrises and new days. To healing the past and moving into the future. To forgiveness and loving someone wholly….scars and all. Never judging a book by its cover and being compassionate.

Happy Sunday….and everyday.

Peace ❤

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