Tag: energy

Someone once asked….

And someone once asked her what she wanted…

She wanted to sit in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon and work on the book that she had written a million times in her mind. She wanted to feed her soul with the things she felt most connected to. Words.

Her friends painted and wrote, weaved and crafted treasures for little shops and big. They took pictures of objects and people who fed their souls. They healed their wounds by creating beautiful pieces and places in this life. They left their mark. Yes, she wanted to leave a mark in this life that had meaning.

What did she want? Peace, calm…steady, easy rhythm to life. Not a roller coaster and of ifs and maybes. She wanted certainty. She wanted rain, coffee shops and bookstores. Tea and rosemary, lavender and honey…random simplicities. Big coffee mugs and good people. She wants to listen and be heard, to lift people up and kneel down with…laugh, cry and live life with.

She learned about crows and eagles alone on a desolate road at 12:40 am on a Wednesday morning. She knew about darkness and diving into the depths of it and resurfacing with some clarity. She knew about sleeping and rising alone, and feeling connected and disconnected from life and people.

But it wasnt about what she knew, it was about what she wanted.

Love and happiness……pens and paper….paint and canvas.

Life.

Today she wanted life more than yesterday.

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Enough….

You will never be enough for someone who isn’t ready for someone like you. I have observed that it doesn’t really matter how well you love, give or do for someone who isn’t ready for someone like you, it will never be enough.

I went to the market last night and there is a manager there who is always happy and friendly. Even when it’s insanely busy and people are incredibly short, Bobby always has a kind word and a smile for everyone. So as he was helping me I asked him plainly…”what is the secret to life?” He said “To truly know yourself. You are in charge of what you allow someone to take from you. You accept how they treat you, to truly know yourself and your worth is the key”. I think I could have stayed in that line for another half hour receiving his wisdom. Everyone teaches us something, it’s up to us to receive and accept the knowledge. I accepted it….and went home clearer than I was when I arrived.

We are responsible for the energy we give away and the time and effort that is not reciprocated.  We are responsible for how we allow people to treat us. A few things to consider:

  • What is your worth?
  • What are your values?
  • Do you seek these values in the person you are dating or interested in? Do you seek them in the people you surround yourself with?
  • What makes you happy?
  • Do you settle for less than you deserve? Why?
  • What qualities are important to you? Shouldn’t you seek friends or relationships with people who share the same qualities?
  • What do you want for your future?

 

Its important not to waste people’s time or let them waste yours.

I wouldn’t change or take back the things in life that have happened to me, I would not be who I am or know the amazing people who add quality to my days. I know my worth, but the strange part is that I allow people in my life who don’t know or acknowledge it. I know what I want in friendships and a relationship. I can honestly say that the friendships I have now are good, strong friendships that have been in place as far back as 35 years. That says something to me…it says a lot.

Certain experiences have made me a little more guarded, lessons received. I know that some situations repeat themselves until you have had enough and choose change. At some point we will be vulnerable again with others and open ourselves to love and change and more importantly chance.

Chance, Change, Clarity and Certainty

Be mindful of how much of yourself you give to someone who you aren’t enough for…in the end it’s not you who isn’t enough. Some are just never satisfied.

Some of my favorite words “We only pass by this way once”.

So, Peace for you Saturday and for 2018

 

 

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We. Are. All. Broken.

We. Are. All. Broken.

Broken crayons still color…..

How do you hold it in? Better yet…how much longer?

So, yes, broken crayons still color. I function on a daily basis, holding onto sadness, heartache and heart break. Even anger. Happiness too. I  seem to struggle more than not lately. I know its because of what I keep to myself. I never tell anyone everything, after all, who is that trust worthy??? Very few in your life, if you really dig deep, are that true and really want whats best for you. It would be nice if everyone had the same heart and honored the things that you do.

We. Are. All. Broken. 

I am a builder, creator by nature…it comes naturally and easily to strive for a better life. I am not motivated by money, but by love and happiness. People lack that these days….happiness. So many people never fill their cup…enough. I do not envy those who are in constant need of bigger, better and more. If you live a good life and you are a good person, what you need will come and very often in more ways than you can imagine. I believe in treating people well, not how they treat you, but how you would like to be treated. I love people, but that doesn’t mean that I need to interact with all of them. Be wise and careful with your energy. There are some that are miserable within and would like nothing more than for you to sink into that pit with them. Give yourself permission to walk away from that which no longer serves you. Those who do not appreciate you will when there is no longer a you to appreciate. There have been people in my life that so ignorantly wronged me and I moved on without hesitation or a look back….even to this day I do not understand people who think they can continue to try to be a part of your life after the hell they caused.

We. Are. All. Broken.

End game….what do you want? I want a happy life. I am sure people would be surprised at what that consists of for me.

I came and emptied my thoughts….brings a long overdue and temporary peace for now. I know I am not the only broken one……

We. Are. All. Broken.

Like attracts like…..I am attracting like right now and they are good humans..restores my faith in humanity and human kindness. Some broken crayons color the BEST!!!

We. Are. All. Broken.

Color your day beYOUtiful!!!

 

 

 

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…see what shimmers within the storm

And so it is

After several weeks of chaos and sitting with overwhelming feelings of sadness and almost despair I have had a few epiphanies…I love that word. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

My happiness is dependent solely upon me. I cannot depend on anyone else to give me what I need. I also need to start taking caring of myself the way I take care of others. I give relentlessly to people in my life, but never treat myself as well. People will take from you without hesitation, a lesson I have learned well, and then begin to expect it. Two things are sitting with me….I need to build my own future and I need to work on creating the life that I love. No dependancy..not happiness or anything else on anyone. I am hopeful for many things in my life. If I put the positive thoughts out there I will achieve them….send them out into the Universe and they will return.

Its funny when I give to strangers it comes back to me amplified. This is not something I do with intention…I mean I don’t give to receive. I give because that’s who I am. I don’t like to see people go without. One of my favorite things is giving to people who don’t expect it. It seems like it’s appreciated more. Within hours or days, every time, in some way it’s returned to me.

Its time to rearrange my mind-set. To look out for me. I know not everyone has my best interests at heart…maybe none of my interests at heart. So I start taking care of me and let life take the lead. I’ll be happy on my own accord. I  read a quote from Abraham Hicks a few days ago and although I am not a follower it really resonated with me.

“When you believe something is hard, 

the Universe demonstrates the difficulty.

When you believe something is easy.

the Universe demonstrates ease.” 

~ Abraham Hicks~ 

 

When I left my house that day I smiled more at strangers and practiced more patience. I felt good for the first time in days and I felt better about everything. I felt like the old me with a little bit more of a tough exterior.  I believe that happiness is self-created and can be enhanced by others in our lives as well, but not necessarily. At the end of the day its a conscious choice. We may be hit with circumstances that test us but it is our choice how we react.

I have distanced myself from some people, which is required for my peace of mind. It doesn’t mean I need to cut them completely out, or that I don’t love them, I need to love me too and be more mindful of my boundaries. This makes me wonder how the people in my life would feel if I treated them as they treat me.  I am sure many would have moved along already.

I am glad in this day. My heart is good and my intentions are pure. Struggle is definite. Self-care, self-love and healing are imperative.

Happy Wednesday in your life…..

See what shimmers…..

 

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Be Gentle With Yourself…..

A small crack in life has turned into a gaping wound. I am tired and sad and it all feels irrevocable. Over the last several weeks I have had enough. My cup is finally empty and I am not even sure where to turn to replenish it. I know that I have learned that I can only count on myself at the end of the day. I have been observing as a participant for….well, for as long as I can remember but its amazing when you breakdown and really look at the whole picture from the inside and outside. Who do you count on? Me? I count on myself and lean on myself and sometimes it just sucks…no other way to say it. I am alone…I would say aren’t we all…but I don’t feel that way. I have so many things I want and they are so simple and I am just not sure how to get there….maybe by letting go of attachment to what I desire. I know that’s how it works, an incredible experience that I have repeatedly witnessed in my life.  It’s not even materialistic….unless you consider eventually buying a home. But I can do that on my own. Plan B….yep, I am my own plan B, hell, I am my own A as well. People can’t handle what they say they want….and rarely, if ever stay true to their word.  That is the experience in my life.

I have no room for anger at myself. How can you be angry when all you have done is give and do your best to make people happy or help out?  It’s never enough….never. And I AM responsible for my own needs and happiness…this I know. I am just so fucking tired and see no end or no way to fix what is. I try to read positive mantras and I can’t even get through them. Even words aren’t finding a way in….but I suppose being here they are finding a way out which is helpful. I am tired of putting on a smile when it’s not even genuine.

Fourth, fifth,…..eighteenth place….where do you fall in line with people in your life? It just doesn’t feel good not to care about much.

Two days later…

Here.

Here is sad and lonely.

I reach for any remnants of happiness. What is happiness? Is anyone ever really happy? And lonely…it is what it is. My life is not how I imagined it to be….are our lives ever  really the way they picture them to be? I need and I am alone. I have taken Facebook and messenger off of my phone. We spend too much time on social media and not being social with our own. What is that? What a fucked up place to be in. And its all negative bullshit now….political, about bad relationship choices or how do you know if he is lying or cheating or wants you….what kind of friend are you? Or messages from immature people and when you go to respond they…poof….disappear. So much shit in life….people fishing for attention when you want to yell GROW THE FUCK UP and be grateful for what you have. Damn, so many think its a dating site or lets say trolling site. People are never satisfied with what they have or just completely take it for granted.

Lets talk….

I broke yesterday….broke…broken…irreparable? Who fucking knows? I am sick inside. I have no one to blame but myself. Physically sick. All I need is a place to land right now…silence, kindness, peace and a kind heart that doesn’t judge, just gets it. Arms to crawl into and forget about what fills my space at this moment. Where? Imagine that….if you aren’t giving then you can’t get. I am angry and hurt. Fix it….yeah right. I am always the happy one who handles life and its challenges well….well, until I broke. No one wants to hear others “things” or they cant hear above their own. Thank the Universe for the one friend who understands and texts me the morning after to make sure I made it.

Mad? Fuck yeah!

Hateful? Today, yes.

Forgiving? Always

Lessons are always hard. Sometimes reality sucks and you need it to shake you to realize you are important.

I am very into intuition and listening for what I need….the only thing I can hear today is:

Be Gentle With Yourself

I am so hard on me. I have come to this understanding that the advice I would give my friend or friends is the advice I should take for myself…thats a hard pill to swallow. Right now in this moment I can only think that I need to be gentle with myself. I deserve good people, love and things in my life. I know I do….I just don’t know how to accept that I am deserving.

My anger and hate have subsided somewhat….I need to forgive myself for being so hard on me. I need to find gratitude in knowing I can be alone and take care of myself. In crawling into my bed alone when a lot of people in this world are suffering and would be grateful for the space I occupy.  I need to be grateful that people in my life show me my worth to them….even if it’s not pleasant.

Be Gentle With Yourself

Because after all…who better to treat you good than you.

 

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Sometimes is just enough

Today (Saturday) is one of those days….actually its been brewing for a few days. I have several saved drafts about the moon, the eclipse, hatred, racism and so on….there are so many things I want to know and so many I want to forget.

Boundaries….they are so important. It started yesterday (Friday) at the gym. There are rows and rows of machines, mostly empty. I am in a row with at least eight ellipticals and she picks the machine next to mine. It usually wouldn’t bother me but then a man comes in and takes the machine on my other side. So there we are, the three of us and a dozen open machines. Toothpaste and deodorant should be required for the gym.

I have been thinking  a lot about Kismet and unrequited love. I know what kismet is….do you believe in fate? That everything and every one in your life happen for reason? I am not sure what I believe any more. I know that if you treat people the way you want to be treated it’s not always going to be returned….so yes to unrequited love. This world is supposed to be about give and take….too many people take and too many people give way too much. Sometimes is just enough to teach you a lesson…sometimes it takes a long time to learn.

Sunday…..

I am exhausted…life. Its not from lack of sleep, it’s from overextending myself emotionally. Giving too much and accepting very little or nothing in return. Does that sound greedy or selfish. They say self-care and self-love is not selfish….so I’m not selfish?Because when I think about what I want and what I would like in life I feel selfish or undeserving. Thoughts? Opinions? I also feel like I am unrealistic in what I seek. I mean really??? Does anyone ever get it right? 🙂 I am sure this comes from too many years of taking care of others first. I was once told that this behavior stems from me not wanting people to feel what I have felt in my life. Hmm….interesting.

I know everything is surfacing right now….emotionally.

I never watch the news and gather most of my information from social media or from friends. I don’t even have cable tv in my home anymore. At first it was because we never watched it. Then when I did it would lead to feelings of sadness because of the state of our world. Why pay for something you can get for free right?

So I will go dump my head trash at the gym soon….and let go of the things that nag me and drag me into another place.

Sometimes is just enough to make you realize you deserve more than what you accept

And

Sometimes is just enough to make you realize a lot of things about life

Happy Sunday ❤

 

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Energy and its flow….

Good Tuesday Morning

Its only 8 am and I have accomplished quite a bit this morning. It feels good. Knowing feels good too.

So this morning I have thought a lot about energy. The energy that exists in relationships and material objects from the past. Every so often I like to purge my home of objects that house energy, negative or otherwise. Sometimes its just best to let go. There is a quote out there about what you give your energy or thoughts to, negative or positive and be careful what you feed.

I have been feeding a lot of negative thoughts recently and I have become someone I don’t know very well. I have also been blessed with some amazing opportunities recently. Life is about balance, isn’t it?? I know that I am deserving of the good that has recently came into my life. The opportunity to spend time with some amazing women who share the love of writing with me and I am sure share some threads of similarity in the scars we have.

I purged some yesterday….Its freeing really. It says to me “those thoughts or memories that are attached to you (the item) do not control me and will no longer affect my thought process”.  I don’t replace anything I purge and it gives me strength to let go.

My home is starting to feel good again…there are a few more things that need to be boxed and put in the garage until I figure what to do with them…no tears, only gratitude for the lessons the people connected to them gave me.

To better days and nights ahead….

More smiles and less tears

More love and less anger

To the good things in life

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