Sometimes is just enough

Today (Saturday) is one of those days….actually its been brewing for a few days. I have several saved drafts about the moon, the eclipse, hatred, racism and so on….there are so many things I want to know and so many I want to forget.

Boundaries….they are so important. It started yesterday (Friday) at the gym. There are rows and rows of machines, mostly empty. I am in a row with at least eight ellipticals and she picks the machine next to mine. It usually wouldn’t bother me but then a man comes in and takes the machine on my other side. So there we are, the three of us and a dozen open machines. Toothpaste and deodorant should be required for the gym.

I have been thinking  a lot about Kismet and unrequited love. I know what kismet is….do you believe in fate? That everything and every one in your life happen for reason? I am not sure what I believe any more. I know that if you treat people the way you want to be treated it’s not always going to be returned….so yes to unrequited love. This world is supposed to be about give and take….too many people take and too many people give way too much. Sometimes is just enough to teach you a lesson…sometimes it takes a long time to learn.

Sunday…..

I am exhausted…life. Its not from lack of sleep, it’s from overextending myself emotionally. Giving too much and accepting very little or nothing in return. Does that sound greedy or selfish. They say self-care and self-love is not selfish….so I’m not selfish?Because when I think about what I want and what I would like in life I feel selfish or undeserving. Thoughts? Opinions? I also feel like I am unrealistic in what I seek. I mean really??? Does anyone ever get it right? 🙂 I am sure this comes from too many years of taking care of others first. I was once told that this behavior stems from me not wanting people to feel what I have felt in my life. Hmm….interesting.

I know everything is surfacing right now….emotionally.

I never watch the news and gather most of my information from social media or from friends. I don’t even have cable tv in my home anymore. At first it was because we never watched it. Then when I did it would lead to feelings of sadness because of the state of our world. Why pay for something you can get for free right?

So I will go dump my head trash at the gym soon….and let go of the things that nag me and drag me into another place.

Sometimes is just enough to make you realize you deserve more than what you accept

And

Sometimes is just enough to make you realize a lot of things about life

Happy Sunday ❤

 

Slow realization

And with morning came the slow realization that she would never be enough for him

She had given everything there was to give and she knew it still wasn’t enough

She always emptied her cup making sure others were happy

Overnight the bottom fell out of her cup and was slowly replaced with something new

Some long-lost new found wisdom

 

She knows what she has to offer

She knows what kind of life she is capable of building

Quiet confidence, along with sadness, bubble to the surface

It’s not about her being enough any more

She is enough for herself

What he seeks is something she doesn’t posses

He wont admit that it’s not her that he wants

He sought others in solitary time while she has been alone

And I look at her

She stands alone in the moment

strong

yet silent

With slow realization

 

 

 

 

The morning after

And I exhale. Its been a long few days. Things can change instantly….and they have. I spent last night purging/cleaning a major part of my life. Rearranging things and thinking about whats next.

I am clear in thought….I know what  I want and what I will strive for. I lost myself and my value by placing my happiness in someone else’s pocket for a while. Yes I emptied my cup taking care of others. I exhale….and know in my heart its time to replenish my cup.

I am thinking about a trip to see my family and friends for a long weekend. Maybe some lake time. I have neglected a very important person, myself. When you have to question your worth in someones life, you need to stop and question why you are in their life. To be a back burner is hurtful. So I know one thing for sure….I will never stop being me. I am a good ME….I will continue to seek the best in people even when they don’t see it in themselves. And to stop being kind…is that even possible?? Never….and so I press on.

Gym time….therapy. It feels good to push myself and challenge myself to be better and stronger. I am happy in this moment….I have made a new friend and mentor. She WRITES!!! She has ignited my creativity by showing up. I crave words and writing until the well is dry. This is my home. I have caught up with my WordPress friend and glad he is healing and finding his way. I have good women who surround me and lift me up, thats so important….I even have some very dear men in my life, who, although I cut out for a period of time, remain. Friends….I am humbled by them and will work hard to be a better friend.

Love….good love. Not so sure about it. Maybe someday, people truly can only love you as deeply as they love themselves and meet you the same….like the quote says.

I sit in silence in my home, in a sacred, safe space I have created. Its quiet, except the hum of the air conditioner. It’s a good day to begin again….

Relationship grief

I have recently been asked by a young fellow writer to write more about women and our emotions or what we crave, want, need or like in a relationship.

Today I choose relationship grief. I have spoken to several of my girlfriends and feel we as women grieve our relationships long before they are over. It could be from unkept words or lies, feeling less important or just…for lack of a better word, neglected.

I believe that women require more than men. I could be wrong, because as complicated as we are, so are they. They too, will not tell you their wants or needs in some situations and I believe that is because they feel less masculine. Men fear vulnerability…I believe greater than women. I think that some men will not show you their true emotions or vulnerability because in out society that is not approved of. Such bullshit. I like a man who can step to me with his wants and needs, what he requires as a human being and I will not call him on it or make him feel less.

A majority of the women I talk to need tenderness and understanding…definitely affection and also reassurance. When we feel that we are inadequate as partners we start the proverbial pull and the beginning of the grieving process. We will grieve the relationship long before its ever over….I think we hope that things will change and get better. So we keep moving forward in hopes that our words are heard and our sadness is felt. When we ask for something several times and it doesn’t happen it becomes less important to us. We are so busy tending to everyones needs that we put our own aside and hope that you will see what we need or even attempt to show some compassion. Compliment your partner….its important. No negative criticism….even joking, because when you are genuine we will not believe you. It will feel like a buffer to the comments that have already cut deep. Once you let the words go, it’s too late. So, please, think before you speak.

There will come a point, yes this has changed from women grieving to relationships in general, when there will be nothing that will take back the hurt and neglect. It will become expected and accepted until it’s just too much and your partner will no longer be phased by it. This is the very end of the grief process….where do you go from here. In my opinion there is nowhere to go. You can not go back to the people you were in the beginning, it doesn’t work like that. You can try to heal the damage that has been done, but it takes two to work at it. If only one is trying…there is nothing left.

Listen, spend time with, hold your partner, HEAR him/hear, really listen. When they say I would like to do this or that, make it a point to do that with them. It doesn’t have to be constant but it should be a spilt on doing things the other enjoys. Spend quiet time alone with them, comfort them, lift them up. I am by no means a relationship expert, but I was married for many years and also spent time in one way relationships….and so have the women I know. There is so much more….but I think that’s enough for today….

Watch for the light in their eyes…..you will know if the grieving process has begun. I wish for all of you loving, listening and compassionate partners…. treat yourself the way you would like to be treated. After all, before we can extend these to another we must treat ourselves the same.

Happy Monday…..the best is yet to come.

My Sisters

My sisters are amazing….I have more than I can count. I have gathered and collected them throughout the years. There was a period in my life that I did not trust women and would only allow the few that were already behind the wall of trust to stay. In the last several years I have made some amazing friendships and rekindled old ones. Its amazing when many years have passed and there are some friends that never stop being there.

I have worked on myself and damaged myself. It’s a vicious cycle. I tolerate inadequate treatment by so many people and hope for the good. There are still so many inconsiderate people in my life and you can bet I would be riddled with unkind words if I pulled the bullshit on them that they pull on me. One of my favorite things is when someone doesn’t acknowledge you….kidding about the favorite part, but it does show you where you stand with someone and exactly how much they care about you. Not very much in my opinion and I am not one of those who treat people as they treat me,  so to act like they do is not an option for me. I just know you can only hurt someone so much before they are desensitized to that behavior and it no longer matters.

My sisters…..good women. Women who listen and love regardless of the choices I make. They are beautiful and have incredible hearts. I hope that I am half the friend to them that they are to me.

Recently I was having a conversation with one of my favorite blonde counter parts and I said can you imagine how happy we would be if we took each others advice…now that’s funny.

I have sisters in so many states….sometimes my heart aches to be close to them. I miss them. Life happens and we live….keeping connected through heartstrings. I miss their faces, smiles and hugs. We laugh and cry together…I am grateful for them. I suppose I am lonely for them more so tonight….life is about changes. About making yourself happy. I know what their advice would be….and I know what mine would be. When you are in a situation and aren’t sure what you should do…I think you should step out and look in. So what would your advice be to your sisters or for men, your brothers? That’s the advice you should take for yourself. Sometimes you can’t fix broken….sometimes things continue to happen, people continue to treat you poorly and think you are not aware of it.  I wont go any deeper…I just know my sisters will lift me up when I fall. Where would we be without the support of those who love us? I will continue to take the risk and make new friends….I will continue to risk my heart in hopes that there is someone who can hold it the way it needs to be held and reciprocate the love I have to give.

This is for you, my sisters, I honor and love you. To our good times and bad, days filled with people and lonely times too. Without you I don’t know where I would be….

It’s time for change…..

Pour the whiskey…Part II

If you read my previous post you may somewhat understand my frame of mind and why it has taken me a few days to revisit that part of my life. I hear the bullshit phrase “get over it”. I may never get over it, move on, learn lessons, empathize with those that are related to me because of the common bond of alcohol, but get over it???

So the next step father was Leo. He was a nice alcoholic. A business man. I always thought he was the nicest one of all of them until several years ago in therapy when we were going through my step fathers and I mentioned him. I told her that he was the nicest, that the only thing he did was get drunk and take us out flying in his plane. I remember looking up at him from the small seats in the back and him telling my Mom he was going to fly us into the mountains and kill us all. That was nicest step father I had. My therapist was mortified. It wasn’t until then that I realized how damaging he was too. Many years later at lunch with one of my step sisters she confided he did that to all of them. Some how I don’t think he did. I think maybe she was comforting me…she also made it very clear that everyone felt bad for me because of the life I was raised in. They weren’t married long, he was the sickest of them all because of the alcohol. We had to visit him in a hospital in Washington where he was sent to dry out. He finally reformed and lived until a couple of years ago. He had to have been in his 90’s. I went to his funeral to sit with my sissy’s. I love them, he gave me three good sissy’s.

There were two more step fathers after these, fortunately I was old enough to take off at this point. One divorced my Mom shortly after he found out she didn’t have the money he thought she did. We spent Christmas Eve in a local casino. I was under age but drank and gambled. The other wanted a nursemaid  and they divorced after a family member ruined that. She hasnt been married since, had a few boyfriends…but has been alone for many years now. She was damaged at some point. We finally have a semi decent, functioning relationship. It was part of my healing process to confront her about the things in my childhood. It took her 3 weeks to read the longest and hardest letter I have ever written a person. She cried and apologized. It’s never been mentioned again. These men are no longer mentioned. And I told my brothers…I told them all about my childhood. It was only then that the one that is 19 years older than me confided she did the same shit with them and always put them after her boyfriends. My brother who is 20 years older will not speak of his childhood. She fucked us all up and we turned out pretty fucking amazing. I was the only child between my parents. A product of an affair, which I am pretty sure she was paid to leave town and remain quiet. Whew….the secrets families keep….you never know how deep the pain runs. We were children. Just children.

So…be 12 and realize you are not wanted any where….even your own fucking biological father never showed up and maybe then you might consider that it’s not weak to want to die. Be 12 when the drunk comes home and your mom is out, and you know he keeps a gun under his pillow. Be FUCKING 12 while you and your best friend lie on your bedroom floor and he tries your door. Be 7 and an alcoholic is sexually abusing you or you are being abused at a local daycare. If you saw the horrors (many graphic details I have left out or toned down)  I saw growing up and even empathized in the smallest way you MAY reconsider your rigid thoughts. I think what angers me most is that people think things just go away. I am amazed that I love the way I do, that I give people chances and that I take risks to love and have friendships. These people taught me how you aren’t supposed to be treated. In what some may consider a fucked up thought process I feel they taught me how not to treat people…I give what I have never had. Sometimes to my own detriment. I have also learned that not everyone who drinks will hurt you and that it is okay to drink in moderation and with people you feel comfortable with. So I have learned a lot.

Smile at that person next to you in line, or observe the child who plays alone at the park, or be kind to the troublesome child. Always, always be kind, you never know where people like us come from.

Peace..every, every day

January 1, 2017

Let me start by saying that I don’t make resolutions…I never have.

The words have been eating at me for some time and more recent in the last 36 hours..so here I am for a dose of medicine that I don’t want to taste. (Big Baby haha )

I have learned a lot of things this past year and also confirmed a few things I know to be true. First and foremost, “LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION”.

I havent had a great track record with male figures in my life, from step fathers to my soon to be ex husband and partners. I dont care what anyone has to say…in my life there has only been one man who hasn’t cheated on me. One. They say lessons repeat until you learn. So what the fuck am I supposed to learn? That 2016 taught me I don’t have to be so nice and that some people just need to be cut the fuck off. That this time I am giving a second chance when I typically will walk away? I know that I need to love my self again, that I need to be as good to me as I am to people in my life. Selfish? I doubt it. I am not conceited or full of myself but I am a good Mom, daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend….I am a good human being even when life deposits shitty people in my path. I smile and keep pushin. I treat people as I would like to be treated and therefore end up with hurt feelings and more scars. I will not settle for anyone and expect no one to settle for me. I love fucking hard…yeah, I have baggage, if you say you don’t, you lie. So if you feel its off, it is….no rose colored glasses anymore of a good, loving, perfect partner. Reality is a bitch sometimes.

So here we are 2017…….I look back on the last year of my life and that of my friends and one thing that will not let up is “2016, You hit like a bitch!!!”. 2016 proved that there is no perfect person for you, we are all fucked up. It’s about finding the ability to love beyond faults, second chances come once.  I have been through so much bullshit and here I am. So fuck resolutions and fuck being that nice woman who takes shit lying down.

For us…

Love ourselves,travel more, love each other, be kind, be patient, take risks, love ourselves, kiss deeply, let people that you love know you love them, appreciate all things, more life, less bullshit, walk away when we can’t anymore, love ourselves, we are the only ones we really have,  its okay to ask for help, don’t carry the weight of the world on your own, there are people who care….buy the stuff…we live one time. Never, ever, judge a book by its cover. Love ourselves, kiss them…and more than once. Hug with intention. Make more eye contact and conversation. Be a good human. Above all love yourself and make you happy. Its contagious. Oh and one more thing, dont forget to……

LOVE YOURSELF

HAPPY 2017

This morning….

I woke to dreams of oversized shirts

and good coffee

Of a man that’s not here

I woke to a cold

quiet

house

Where nothing echoes in the hall

No footsteps coming up the

stairs

No freshly pressed

love

It’s the same as it was yesterday

and the day before

Loneliness is periodic insanity

Every now and then

someone

somewhere

will make an appearance in my space

to

say hello

or check

for breath or life

and then its back to the reality of

one

 

And I have arrived…47

Yesterday marked my 47th birthday….It has been an interesting ride so far.

And I am so far from done….

In the last 4 years I have experienced more than I ever thought I would. My marriage ended after 20 plus years….something neither of us ever saw coming. I grew and saw the things I always wanted to see….San Francisco, a Giants game, Chicago, a Bears game, The Grand Canyon…I hiked 22 plus miles in one day, in and out of Havasupai Falls. A must for anyone that loves hiking and beauty. The pictures are incredible but don’t do it justice. I knew I was BADASS when I hit the top at the end of the day!! I knew I could accomplish a lot more than I gave myself credit for.

I have been comfortable and uncomfortable in my own skin. I have wanted to give up on life when it was unbearable and came out stronger on the other side. I know me. Fuck, do I know me! I rarely ever swore and I love the F word now….haha. I know when to use it though…its not an every other word thing for me.

I love the theatre….rain on the roof and thunder in the distance. I love the smell of the desert floor when it rains. I love hand holding, laughing, crying and breaking out in random dance and song. I have more fun than ever!!! I am Me!

A very defining moment was when my 18-year-old daughter looked at me and said she has more respect for me now than she ever did because I make my own decisions and think for myself. FUCKING HUGE!!! That was confirmation…..I did what was good for me, but for her too.

I have learned that at the end of the day you are lucky if you have a partner that is there for you…but you are lucky even if you don’t. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, my childs love ….a job, a loving 13 yr old uppy (my Jack Russell, yes, uppy). I have so much to be grateful for. I will pave the way for me….I will be happy ..even if it’s not always easy it will be worth it.

I have also learned about friendship and what it means. I have better friendships now than I have ever had. I also know how to be a good friend…and yes, by all means, I get screwed over sometimes because I have a forgiving heart and I give way too much.

So this is my New Year…I told myself I will write once a week. Really write…this is my soul food….it fills my soul, keeps me grounded, alive, grateful and breathing.

So let’s do 47!! I am good with that!!

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