Tag: friendship

And I miss you

Settled in for the night…

Long day, long few days. My mind drifts to you, and I miss you. Your words,  wisdom and synchronistic poems that had more meaning for our lives than others could understand. Pulling cards and writing our hearts out, laughter and tears and vulnerability….but wait..safety and comfort too. And I miss you ❤

I have hardly written at all…too much to say and overwhelmed with thoughts. I applied for jobs and caught up on emails and so here I am, settled in with my girl and our animals. There was popcorn and coconut oil in the pantry and truffle salt in the cabinet. So I made popcorn like you make and we are here and you are there and I miss writing with you more than you know.  An almost finished letter sits on my desk…so maybe tomorrow….

Here is to writing and women….and circles

New beginnings and scary endings

And true friendships and rain

And now

 

Peace in your life and for your Thursday

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The Road Home

For my friend C. Lennon, thank you for the picture. Sisters, drawn by time, destined by fate and lucky enough to find each other again.

He stands at the end of the road with his hands tucked into his weathered jeans. His icy blue eyes represent all the comfort and love she has ever needed. The smile that stretches across his lips welcomes her home. Beckons of his undying love for her.

He is her destiny, they are fated. She is capable of loving and giving to him like no other. She breathes him and he basks in the beauty of all that she is. The way her hair falls on her shoulders and the scent of her perfume weaken his tough exterior.

He stands and waits as she reaches for him. She is safe and content, she is home.

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Coffee with you this morning

I sat across from her listening to her reveal the layers of her life while we sipped coffee this morning. Warm, comforting goodness in a rather large cup and the security of knowing her secrets were safe with me (and yes, she knows I am writing this).

We discussed why things happen the way they do and why life can’t be a little more gentle. I told her maybe if we were more gentle with ourselves the Universe would return it to us.

You see, she has been in a situation that is not healthy for her mind, body and soul..and hardest on her heart. I told her you cannot expect someone to treat you as you treat them. It doesn’t always work out that way. Show up, be authentic and hope that you are interacting with a decent human being.

She told me that the relationship she has been in is one-sided for, well, for a very long time. I am sad for her. She deserves so much better. The people who this other person chooses to look at or pay attention to are so different from her and would never treat her counterpart as well as she does.

Her eyes fell to her hands wrapped around her cup and tears silently ran down her cheeks.

I wonder how people can treat people so poorly and not even think twice about it. How they can justify their actions in their mind as okay? If she isn’t what you want, set her free. She deserves kindness, love, friendship and most of all respect and loyalty.

She deserves what she gives to you.

She is well put together, takes care of her self and her responsibilities and there she is trying to save remnants of something…something….I can’t even classify what she is trying to save. Her heart? Her sanity? They have destroyed her….weakened her. She allowed it. She is partially to blame, but so are they. It’s amazing to me that some people can’t take responsibility for their actions that caused cracks in the foundation of a relationship. Its easier to lay blame on the innocent and make them feel like it was their fault that they stayed, tried and tolerated bullshit that they shouldn’t have. Wouldn’t you want someone to give you a second chance if you messed up? And when she did it was met with more secrets and betrayal.

I get her Kleenex and hug her. She cries and we sit in silence for a while. I shift the conversation to some small vacations I want to take this year…she has some interest. She thinks about going to see family or friends in California for a few days. There are things to see in life and good people still exist out there. Life will move forward and time will ease the emotions she feels.

She asks why? I have no logical answer why she lets this happen. There are people who remind her of who she is, where she has been and what she is worth. I know there are people who would love her wholly in a moment if she allowed them. And while I understand they are not for her, I just try to comfort her by telling her there is someone who would appreciate the woman she is.

So here is to the security of good friends, warm cups of coffee, the things in life that pull us to together because of whats torn us apart.

It’s a new day…..

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Enough….

You will never be enough for someone who isn’t ready for someone like you. I have observed that it doesn’t really matter how well you love, give or do for someone who isn’t ready for someone like you, it will never be enough.

I went to the market last night and there is a manager there who is always happy and friendly. Even when it’s insanely busy and people are incredibly short, Bobby always has a kind word and a smile for everyone. So as he was helping me I asked him plainly…”what is the secret to life?” He said “To truly know yourself. You are in charge of what you allow someone to take from you. You accept how they treat you, to truly know yourself and your worth is the key”. I think I could have stayed in that line for another half hour receiving his wisdom. Everyone teaches us something, it’s up to us to receive and accept the knowledge. I accepted it….and went home clearer than I was when I arrived.

We are responsible for the energy we give away and the time and effort that is not reciprocated.  We are responsible for how we allow people to treat us. A few things to consider:

  • What is your worth?
  • What are your values?
  • Do you seek these values in the person you are dating or interested in? Do you seek them in the people you surround yourself with?
  • What makes you happy?
  • Do you settle for less than you deserve? Why?
  • What qualities are important to you? Shouldn’t you seek friends or relationships with people who share the same qualities?
  • What do you want for your future?

 

Its important not to waste people’s time or let them waste yours.

I wouldn’t change or take back the things in life that have happened to me, I would not be who I am or know the amazing people who add quality to my days. I know my worth, but the strange part is that I allow people in my life who don’t know or acknowledge it. I know what I want in friendships and a relationship. I can honestly say that the friendships I have now are good, strong friendships that have been in place as far back as 35 years. That says something to me…it says a lot.

Certain experiences have made me a little more guarded, lessons received. I know that some situations repeat themselves until you have had enough and choose change. At some point we will be vulnerable again with others and open ourselves to love and change and more importantly chance.

Chance, Change, Clarity and Certainty

Be mindful of how much of yourself you give to someone who you aren’t enough for…in the end it’s not you who isn’t enough. Some are just never satisfied.

Some of my favorite words “We only pass by this way once”.

So, Peace for you Saturday and for 2018

 

 

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Prompt U…. #1

So I have fallen in love with prompt writing because of this amazing Virgo woman I write with!! So what should it be tonight??

Strong Female Friendships

I have been so fortunate over the years with the women who have shown up in my life. They say you have different friends for different parts of your life and I believe it. Marriage, divorce, life, death, struggles and triumphs. Somehow we pick each other up when no one else can. I know on many occasions they were the reason I was able to find my strength. Sometimes we need the simple reminder of who we are and what we are capable of. We need to be valued and loved at our depth and we are nurturers by nature so this comes easily to us.

I am fortunate enough to have friends that I have known for more than 35 years. We may have had some struggles or in between times when we didn’t communicate but we were able to pick back up where we left off and where we meet is much richer than where we left.

I could list them all and all of the roles they have played in my life, but you know who you are and where we stand.

Crazy friends, supportive, I’ll be there in 10 minute friends. Can I borrow you car or even your clothes friends. Take me to the hospital I am in labor and bitch don’t leave me friends. Drunk phone call friends. Friends who show up right on time friends. And she bonds you friends. Unconditional love friends. Know your worth friends. Drink that shit friends. I love you friends. Walking for miles friends. A jar of pickle eating friends. To name a few friends…Oh and you hooker…I am your private investigator friend!!! The artist and the writer friends…the intuitive and astrology friends. The healers and dealers (being funny) friends. The let me come over and drink tequila friends. The stop calling me when you are drunk friend. I am so incredibly lucky to have friends like these. I could never name them all here and never, ever be able to thank them enough.

Oh and I always love new friends….

 

Thank you Virgo writer woman friend!! Thank you ❤

 

 

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Someone’s someone……

Listening is the art of entering the skin of the other
and wearing it for a time as if it were your own.
– David Spangler –

 

After a sleepless night and a long conversation with a girlfriend this morning I found myself here. I love this quote from David Spangler, its perfect. Everyone has a story that needs to be told or emotions that need to be expressed and acknowledged.

As we spoke I listened to her tell me about situations in her life and how they are repetitive. How other situations keep coming up but she doesn’t take the risk to see if they are worth anything or can propel her forward. She is comfortable and uncomfortable where she is. Its familiar.

They say that if its making you uncomfortable, its forcing you to change.

Anyway, I think of her life and her children. I support her and lift her up with words of encouragement. I am her “someone” who will always been here. At 4 am when she can’t sleep or at 5 pm when she wants to chat.

Anyway….the thing that brought me here is chances and opportunity. I think life hands us what we are ready for what we need. It is up to us to see the good or bad, or maybe to take the risk which may send us to something wonderful.

Do you honor and value yourself enough to know what you deserve?

Are you someones “someone” who listens without judgment and with love?

Can you put yourself in another’s shoes or skin and see life from their point of view?

What you accept is what will continue…..give yourself credit where credit is due. I feel we can say to ourselves that we have done a good job or we are good people. Self talk is an important part of self-care. It’s so easy to tell someone about their worth. IF you have poor self talk habits think about this…would you stand by and allow someone to speak to another the way you speak to yourself? If the answer is no, its time to adjust your thoughts and words about yourself.

So today….just be someone’s someone ❤

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Christmas again……

Christmas time….families, tradition, celebration and stress.

Today I can’t wait for January.

New year, new beginnings and new mind-set.

When we relate the holidays with stress and worry they tend to become less important. People aren’t always grateful for what they have or what they receive. Some have more than others and some gifts aren’t enough. Holidays are about more than gifts. To me they are about spending time with those who mean the most, sharing meals, laughing and loving each other. Easy, heartfelt, memorable moments.

I will probably touch a few nerves here, but here we go……

Holidays changed for me during my separation when a couple of members of my family went to my now ex husbands house. So spending that first year alone was a real eye opener and an awakening for me. I enjoyed my time with Buster and sitting on my couch  with my tree lit and candles burning. It was ok to be alone, no worries about what I got someone, if it would be enough or if you could see the gratefulness or lack of happiness in their eyes when they opened it. That is the meaning of Christmas???

I wonder what other people think about Christmas….are they financially struggling to meet all the expectations? Are they pulled in many directions? Are they alone or in a crowd of people? Are they enjoying the simple quiet pleasures of life? The moments that matter most….is there humble gratitude in their hearts for the things in this life that are important?

We, as people are a mess. We have lost so much…or maybe we never had it and that’s why for a lot it’s about the materialistic things they will receive. Ask the person who has lost someone, or hasn’t been spoken to or spoken to family in years what they would be grateful for if they could steal those times back? I bet it would be a lot different from anything that money could buy.

I am tired….and we are less than two weeks away.

Well I wish for everyone a holiday season, however you celebrate, with moments of happiness to tuck into your heart and carry with you for your time. Humble gratitude and clarity for who and what you have in your life.

And finally peace in your soul.

Heres looking forward to 2018 ❤

 

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I don’t know how to let you go

I don’t know how to let you go.

Your little face isn’t in the window when I get home. I don’t have to block the door from you getting out and I am still practicing that habit. No one wakes me up at 1, 3 or 5 am. And when 5 am rolls around I lay in bed and listen to the vast quietness of the house. No headbutts against the bathroom door in the middle of the night any more. I never understood what you thought you needed in there anyway 🙂 I washed your blankets and they are in the place where you slept by my bed because….

I don’t know how to let you go

No more every mornings, nights or every day. No more routine that was ours. My coffee, your medicine and special breakfast that you became accustomed to and even bugged me for. It didn’t matter if I slept 2 hours or 6, when it was you, I was up. I never got upset even if you got me up 5 times in 3 hours.

I don’t know how to let you go

No one to catch what falls or bark at nothing in the backyard. No cold nose or dirty peets on my clean floors. No more bad breath. You were such a smart boy, T-R-E-A-T-S, you sat, shook hands, turned in circles, begged, laid down and even said I Love You…you are our treat boy.

My heart aches for you….so much. The king of my castle, my constant, my unconditional love. I talk about you as much as I can because it just doesn’t feel right without you. Your sissy misses you too. We laugh at the silly and happy times. Your outfits, which I am sure you cussed us out for more than once. About you licking the furniture or hitting the old door with so much force that it would bow the metal door and you would catch your leg. You were my 150 lb attitude boy in a 17 lb body. Like angry bees and a rotten little alligator that used to wrestle for hours.  Squirrel chaser and cat hunter…those damn cats. The little whiny baby (sissy called you), the one that slept in the crate by my head and some how ended up in my bed. My little love who loved to nap on the couch with me or with sis when she was sick.

We don’t know how to let you go

For all the countless days you loved us even when we weren’t at our best. For the nights we shared in the kitchen, you know the ones. For being my other child and loving me even when I didn’t love myself. And for making sure Ashley and I were okay in this last part of your journey with us. For all of this and so much more we will be forever grateful…..but I still don’t know how to let you go.

I will look for you always….I love you every, every day

Our Pure Imagination boy.

My uppy.

Buster ❤

November 9, 2003 ❤ November 13, 2017

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Victim mentality….

I have heard this term used in many ways and had to do a little digging on the meaning. I have been through a lot of shit in my life, therapy included, and not once have I been told that I blame others for whats been done to me. This includes my childhood and adult life.

So if you notice a particular behavior from someone…does that mean that you are saying you are a victim? I don’t think so, I think you are just becoming very aware of whats in front of you.

I thought yesterday “I may be slow, but I will see it or get it” and there it is. When I say that I mean intentions or whats important. Someone who was once in my life said to me I always see the best in people and take them for what they show me in the beginning because I hope that everyone is kind and good. I do…

So last night as I was going to bed my phone rang. It was my Lisa Jane. I was sure that it was an accidental dial, but so happy when her voice reached out from the other end. Lisa Jane and I met at work in the early 90’s. Thats my girl, my sis, one of my Lifetime Friends. We have been through all phases of life together, we might even have wanted to kill each other at one point. I love you girl!!

So we caught up on a few things and something silly and exciting. And then turned our conversation to the subject of “victim mentality” which then turned into victim vs survivor. If you do anything in your life, ask one of you dearest and longest friends for a truth about you. Believe me, if I did it, resembled it or projected it, Lisa Jane would be one to tell me the truth. It doesn’t matter about tears or hurt feelings, its deep honesty from someone who knows you well. Its love. So here we are with our three-hour time difference discussing the topic at hand. I asked her if I projected that. She said never.

Random thought….when you blame others for your actions or outcomes of situations that they didn’t/couldn’t control, what is that? Not being accountable for your part in what was done??

Any way, she said for all the years she has known me I have never blamed anyone for anything. She also mentioned that I have always been a giver. I didn’t even realize that this has been part of my makeup for my whole life. I love my girlfriend. She tells it like it is. She said you are not a victim you are a survivor, she knows my stuff. We also mirror each other in what we have been through in our lives. Soulmates she said, its deeper than that.

There are so many things that could be said but in the end we teach people how to treat us by what we accept and we also learn by example. I also believe that when you have been a victim of circumstances beyond your control, sharing your story is healing. I don’t mean walk around telling everyone what happened to you, but when they confide in you, its okay to say, “me too”. Stand in your truth, its one of the most healing things you can do. If you have wronged someone be accountable for your actions.

Thats enough for this morning….

I am blessed to have you Lisa Jane. Thank you for your insight and being unapologetically honest with me always.

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