Day 278…my random day

Tuesday..October 4th…the 278th day of the year

After a semi crazy morning and coming out of a sad place over the last few days, today has been pretty good so far. I waited and worked a little, time killin…and waited some more.

You call me every morning….you are the beginning and ending of my every day. My constant and I love you. We chatted, you made sure I was okay, and I am. Someday, maybe, I can tell you why I struggle the way I do. Maybe, someday, you will understand. I can’t talk to you the way “we” talk to each other here…people would think I hate you. You, my darkness, are my amazing man. Are you still talking??

I took my Mom, who just turned 88 last month, to have an MRI. Our relationship has not always been easy. She made a lot of choices during my childhood that had some horrible effects on me that I still struggle with at 46. It is what it is and we have done the best to paste together a Mother-Daughter relationship in the last 3 years. So as I was a frazzled mess of “I have to go here, and there, do this and that” she looked at me with my hair a tied up mess and told me how beautiful I was this morning. Out of the blue…she took me by surprise. When I feel like this and she see’s me…wait…she “SEE’S” me.  I do love her, bad decisions/choices and all. I used to think I would be okay when her time here was done..I wont. She has shared more with me in my journey of healing about her life and I can now understand why she is the way she is. The damage that was done to her by her family and the damage that continued with me. Women are vicious sometimes and I don’t understand why. My Mom hasn’t had the best girl friends in her life…but I dont think she really knew how. I believe it starts within. I love the women in my life and I have some bat shit crazy friends (those are some of the best). Bipolar, manic, menopause, ADD…you name it…they are my tribe. Any way, this morning, my Mom , in her words told me she loved me and thought I was pretty. A rarity, a gift. I am glad for the days we can be Mother and Daughter and I truly grateful for the days we can be girlfriends.

Here’s to tough family relations…sometimes, sometimes we can come out the other side better ❤

(this is my favorite picture of my Mom at 19 at my Granparents farmhouse in rural Ohio)

Home….

Home…defined as what??? Where you live??

No, I found home in  words today

I found the language that I speak and understand

I found the sadness

the happiness

the exciting days

lonely nights

fucked up in betweens….

the questions and answers

I found them all

HERE

in our words

We are common

we are different

colors

shapes and sizes

But HERE we are

HOME

 

Wanting what you have

As I made the trip across town this morning I drifted to memories from years ago….

I used to be judgmental about people who didn’t strive for more in life…I realized several years ago this was all ego based on my part.  I didnt dislike them or look down on them. I simply didnt understand why they didnt want more. They did their 9 to 5’s, working, going home and repeating this every day. They were living while I was striving for more….stuck in a vicious, stressful cycle that cost me my health sometimes. I was so busy being worried about being financially secure that I wasnt aware that I already had that security. Once I let go of that attachment I had what those people had….less stress and more happiness. I believe my self-created situation came from childhood and inner misery. I needed something to concentrate on and I had to have, A MUST HAVE, fall back plan…growing up my Mom never had a fall back plan, unless you count my Grandpa. He was the best man in my life growing up.

I am very blessed to have what I have.

I am so grateful for the people in my life…this is where my core wealth lies. I was so unhappy in my relationship and within that I concentrated on things like saving, paying off debt, no debt…I am not saying that’s a bad thing, but life is about more than that. I can’t take financially security or material things with me when I go.

I now live….I still have a fall back plan, but I know that life is about more than financial gain or material things. Wealth lies in your life itself….your children, your partner, your friends. Wealth is in the love you feel for others. It is carried in your heart…in your memories.

I feel, today, I am wealthier than I have ever been and it’s not in the bank…its in life.

I want what I have….

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