Paper boxes

Paper boxes and brown paper

Pieces to a life

Marked with contents

and stacked neatly in the garage

What if life were so simple

Categorized, organized, compartmentalized

A little lip plush on a Saturday evening for some self care

Present

Paper boxes and brown paper

A tiny silver jewelry box from my Mother with red velvet interior

I can remember it from forever ago

We heal in between, those are words I found

I am in between for now…

and maybe touching memories and filling paper boxes is where I heal

for now

I let go of so much in recent months

Things I thought I needed

or maybe even wanted at some point

Nineteen year old stuff and two year old stuff

Shedding layers of life gone by

Life that was once carried in

Paper boxes and wrapped in brown paper

The fabric of life

I am standing in front of your side of the closet, delicately touching each shirt as I go. I know the feel of what I am looking for. And there it is, my favorite shirt of yours. You smile when I find you in the kitchen and there we were……

Sometimes it’s hard for me to share some of the layers of my life with you, not that they are a secret, but because they are reminder of the tenderness that still remains. I had been trying to tell you for some time and finally found the words, or my voice in Saturday’s morning hours.

For many, instead of dealing with pain, it is easier to bury than acknowledge. So it is buried. Some people never touch it again and some people have no choice in order to heal. I uncovered it and worked on it, through it and beyond it. I learned some valuable lessons in the process. Allowing the poor behavior of others to back step my healing process once again. Another lesson in the book of life. I was finally getting it.

I know now that the lessons I received were to remind me of who I am and my strength. But most importantly to know exactly what I deserve in this life.

I have always carefully thought through my actions and words towards others. “How would I react?” “Are my actions considerate?” “Are my words kind?” “How would I feel?”. I believe where I come from, the things I have experienced throughout life, made me more mindful of others and their feelings. I have experienced situations where someone has subjected me to harsh words and actions and then wondered why I lashed out in anger or eventually just walked away from them.

My favorite shirt, because it feels of you, the way you calm me and the way you stir me. You make me sure of myself and of you. You are the quiet comfort in the middle of the night and the sweet sunlight that floods the morning. You get it where others don’t, the same as I do you.

So I have come to realize that we all heal in our own time. We all heal differently. Even though some have done the self-work and have been on the path of healing, it doesn’t mean that the tender layers, in the core, don’t exist. It may just means we can touch them some days more than others. Some bury the past better than others, and some dont. I always think about the saying “you never know what someone is going through”, and we really dont.

So this is the fabric of life….

My favorite shirt of yours… because of our lessons and continuous growth. The patient people we are with each other and the impatient people we are with ourselves. The worn and tattered layers we came together with and the threads we are weaving together now to create the fabric of this life. Our new life.

Peace for your Sunday ❤

Gratitude

For Saturdays like this….

Good coffee and conversation with you

My family, the vintage (because that sounds better) and the new

Our families together and apart

The new life we are building

Trips to Lowes and working in the yard twogether

Candles with oils, herbs and intentions burning in the kitchen

A full heart

Self-care, self-love and more healing

The people I work with and a job I love

Growth and change

Looking forward

Letting go

For a life well lived

Your power

My thoughts have been totally immersed in our individual power and what we give our attention to. I once knew someone who thought it was unusual that I could walk away from some so easily. If someone hurts you repeatedly, disrespects you, or just treats you like you are irrelevant, give yourself permission to walk away. That is the beginning to taking back your power.

I feel that if someone discounts you enough, hurts you, uses you…whatever you want to call it, it’s okay to cut ties with them. No matter the part they have played in your journey.

“The day I chose to stop speaking their name, was the day I took their power away and took mine back. The day I chose to not respond with anger, I found peace within”.

So I move forward, an occasional memory will come up, or something will trigger me but how I choose to react is just that, my choice. I can say it is not always the best way, but it is my way.

“And the day I chose to leave the past behind me was one of the healthiest and most relieving moments in my life. No more worries about being enough for anyone but myself. It’s not to say that leaving people behind isn’t painful, but sometimes its just the best thing for you.”

Those who truly know me, know that I hold painful emotions and memories in until something brings them to the surface and only then will I spill them….just enough to ease the discomfort my heart houses.

Recently I broke…I think, no, I know I house a lot of pain that I have not allowed to surface and it overflowed. Triggers pull those deep seeded emotions from some long ago corner I have shoved them into. I know that there have been times that I haven’t made good choices in my life, but I know I have never hurt anyone with intention and never will. I don’t regret my choices, they led me to here, but it is my choice if I choose to…

“I choose not relive times before now, times that weren’t so happy. I choose not to recall times before now too often and I refuse to speak names of those that made me feel any less.”

So my thoughts right now are be mindful of the words you speak to yourself and to others….be mindful of the people and memories you give your power to.

After all, it is your power ❤

Peace for your Saturday night….

The end of 2018

As this year comes to a close I can only feel gratitude for the many changes I have experienced. The heartaches and happiness, the highs and lows. Especially the challenges that made me aware of what I am made of and the strength I carry.

I think of the masks that fell away to reveal the true intentions of those I thought I knew so well. The sad goodbyes and amazing new hellos.

My days are now filled with happiness, a few small bumps here and there, as expected. But nothing I cant handle. I am more present than I have been in some time. Sometimes we need experiences to knock us off of our center in order to appreciate the important things in life, including ourselves. I was knocked off of my center several times over the last few years and forgot who I was. I tolerated situations and behavior I didn’t deserve. But things would change…..

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, to teach us or for us to teach them. No matter what I have been handed I still believe in the goodness of people. Its true that the way a person treats you says nothing about you, but everything about them.

2018 has taught me a lot. Things change……jobs, relationships, friendships…nothing is permanent but change. Sometimes you have to hit bottom, be treated poorly by people you care for, lose a job and friends. Experience extreme sadness and grief, despair and hopelessness to realize whats truly important in life. Small gifts, your child’s smile, the voice of your Mother pushing you forward because she believes in your greatness and that you can handle anything you are dealt. That you have always figured shit out and that says a lot about who you are. The courage to let go of that which no longer serves you or makes you happy. To realize that “YOU DIDN’T FAIL, YOU SUCCEEDED”.

It also taught me that there is someone out there for all of us. My someone came after a strange night, for both of us. One was giving up and one was trying again…..and there we were. We took a chance and here we are. There are so many things I could say about him, but he knows my heart and intentions as I know his. I clearly know what falling in love feels like now. I fall in love with him in moments. Moments when he is talking intensely about his family or life, or sitting in silence, when he isn’t even with me or when he is sleeping soundly next to me. When he speaks to someone when we are out, when he laughs….every layer and every person he is…I love.

So I believe that life can only get better…. “Sunshine comes to all who feel rain”.

Reflections……

Sunday evening….

Sunday evening is my time to reflect on the last few days of life.

I quietly started reflecting on my drive home on Saturday evening. The conversations with the man I have fallen in love with. The dinner party I had just left with a girlfriend I hadn’t seen in more than a year. The proverbial list I had made in my head of what we needed as I headed up the hill towards the market, asking you if we needed anything. Your response bringing a sweet smile across my face. Noticing there is a Target not too far from his home and making the mental note that if I need anything I know where to go. I am learning his surroundings. Just feeling life. The air. The music. Glancing at the clock and thinking 3 more hours until you make your way home. Everything feeling familiar, but yet brand new.

Tonight I am pondering the past, anger and the many thoughts that seem to connect to those emotions. I am not holding on to anything, no what if’s for me. I love my life completely. I just think about people and how they treat others. How vindictive some are, cold and thoughtless and wonder how human beings can treat each other so terribly. I have always walked away from hard situations in my life without a thought of hatred or retaliation, dealing with my emotions in my own way. I do believe that time heals all. Had I not traveled the rough roads I would not be who I am and very possibly not grateful for what I have. I have no room in my heart for hate or anger and I have many reasons I could carry those emotions. Yes, there are people, places and times I let go of. I had to for my own well being. I can’t hate, but I let go and heal.

Reflecting….

We have deep conversations about the stars, life, our families and things we love. It’s hard to remain present sometimes when I am so excited about the future. The holidays, blending our own traditions with new ones that we create. The trips coming up. The bookstore, the cactus garden or dinner at one of the places we love. You make it so easy to love you. Standing in the kitchen in our spots for hours talking about things no one would understand. Words. I hang onto them and yours are so good.

Sunday….

The drive across town this evening, more mental notes. I need to call my Mom, check in, still checking in at my age? So funny. My girl, so proud of the young woman she has become. I run into my two of my girlfriends at the market, quick, excited catch ups. Groceries, laundry and of course words. I need them like air.

Thoughts….

Life is short. Love hard. Treat them as you would want to be treated. Be kind. If you find yourself in a hard situation step outside for a moment and think of the advice you would give your child, family member or friend and apply that to yourself.

Love yourself.

BE KIND ALWAYS!

If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it to someone else!!!

You can let people know how you feel in a kind way and if it doesn’t change WALK AWAY, silently, with your dignity intact.

ABOVE ALL LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU DESERVE

Peace for your Sunday ❤

48 hours ago

 

48 hours ago

I touched some old wounds

I remembered how hurt I’ve been

I felt the tears well

And the pain come up

Never enough

Or

Somehow too much

48 hours ago

I allowed myself a few tears

12 hours later a few more

And again this evening

I seek meaning

I teeter for hours

And moments

And a few days

48 hours ago

I was reminded how much I’ve endured

How many times I set myself aside

And all the hurt feelings I held in

48 hours ago I embraced the woman I am and the knowledge that I will never change

But yet….

I’m so different from 48 hours ago

Settle in

So, settle in my love

into your heart

and into your skin

Sometimes its you

and only you

and that’s okay

and you will stumble

and fall

and rise

again

So settle into your bones

and into your truth

It’s okay to hang on

and to let go

you have realized

when everything was gone

so were they

and they will miss whats to come

because you’ve saved the best

for last

So settle in

life is fragile

and so is  love

know that times change

and people go

and we grow

So, my love, settle in

to your life

because it’s just beginning

 

 

 

 

 

Just a little more, just a little less

Just a little more sadness, a little more happiness, a little less memories and just a little more letting go. Sometimes its hard to realize the value that relationships have or lack thereof when there is no benefit for the other people. It is in the depth of trial that you will see the true colors of those who claimed they cared or they have love for you. Let your circumstances drastically change and see who you are left with. Believe me when I say change will filter out your life.

Change….inevitable

Change….growth

So here we grow….

Growth. Sometimes painful but always necessary to push forward.

I am an observer. I watch and collect thoughts, words and actions of others. I am patient because all will be revealed in time. I listen to the words that aren’t spoken, whats in between in the still silent moments. I watch the eyes and the actions. People reveal themselves. I just have a an unhealthy knack for believing that people are different, for giving second and third….and a million chances. I am working on this habit or pattern.

This morning I have a million thoughts running through my mind. One is that some people will complain about what others do to them and turn around and treat people who are in their life the same way. I don’t understand this behavior, but it’s not mine to understand. I am collecting it for future reference so that when and if it happens again I am aware and can avoid the situation.

I suppose I am dumping head trash this morning…thinking through writing. Exploring whats leaving, hopeful for whats ahead and settling into this new place in life. It carries many different emotions.

Through this change and growth if I have learned one thing, it is that I have strength. I have stood by people and carried them when they couldn’t or didn’t want to carry themselves. I have learned at the end of the day it comes down to me. We take care of ourselves, we are responsible for our own happiness and for how we accept and allow others to treat us.

Just a little less pain

Just a lot more safe

and

Just a little more wise…

Peace for your Monday

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