Just tired…..

I have been apprehensive about coming here, about emptying the clutter I have collected in my head and heart over the last several months. I know my inner critic is at its very best as of late…but what the hell!!

Why should I fear what someone will think?

So I was working on this piece about being 50 and all the bits and pieces that brought me to that point in time. Birthdays haven’t always been good, not that they have been horrible…but some of them were just another day. Ruined by alcohol, as a lot of things in this life have been.

So I sit in the middle of our huge bed and reflect on a lot…a lot of good and bad in the last 50 years…and I will be okay, because I always am, somehow, I always am. Just when I think I cant take any more I summon the strength to handle the next thing.

I am tired, really fucking tired.

I thank my Creator for routine, it helps me make it through. I am thankful for the people who see me, really see me, and are still here. I have an amazing community of kind and loving people who surround me daily, from the moment I wake up, until my head hits the pillow at night. Those who know my character and who I am, who haven’t wavered, who are steadfast and true.

Life shifts and changes. Trust is given and broken. People…well, some people just aren’t good. I have survived a lot of shit in this life and I am still here, how? I have no idea, but I am.

So write hard about the things that hurt….

My best childhood friend who I have know for 37 years is losing her Mom as I put these words down. My heart breaks for her. Cancer is a vicious bitch. I cant even hold her….I can only be here for her.

My sister…my poor, sweet sister. She lost her Mom in February and her husband a week ago. Her heart is broken and she is alone….so far from me.

And being afraid to write because I may hurt someone…..what about me? I hold it in and I destroy myself because this is how I HEAL….I write and write and write and at some point it makes sense.

The truth is I am hurt and reaching a breaking point. I cry when I am alone, a lot more than I will ever admit.

And I am angry, so fucking angry. You never know what people will do to you. And I am tired of being guarded because people are just shitty sometimes.

I am just really tired….its enough already.

November 28, 2019 1

Trauma

For the last few weeks I havent allowed myself the time or gathered the courage to sit down and get real with myself.

Questions come up and I lose myself in them….

Who made you feel like you werent enough? And why do you hang onto shit like that? Human beings, decent human beings should never, even in angry moments make another feel like they aren’t enough. Treatment that I have experienced surfaces in this moment. I am transported to some long ago memory, an unpleasant place in time. Fortunately it can be left where it is. In the dust and remenets of some other time.

Who made you feel like you werent smart enough? I have known people who speak to others like they have no knowledge or education. I like poeple like this as odd as that sounds, the phrase “if you give them enough rope, they will hang themselves” comes to mind. I am an observer by nature and to witness someone who thinks they know it all not really know anything at all is sometimes oddly satisfying.

Who made you feel like you were an option? Someone who you arent an option to any more?

When was it ever okay for someone to put their hands on you? I remember the first time….one of them anyway. This came a few times in life. As a young adult it was a shock. It caught me off guard, but throughout life it seems I was used to unpleasant events and so it, in some ways, seemed normal. (“Normal”, a woman I greatly admire cant stand that word…) so it became acceptable. I accepted things that were not okay.

Trauma changes us…

A normal day and a loud sound, or voice behind me when I am lost in thought and the PTSD kicks in. Sometimes it stays for days and sometimes it passes quickly. Sometimes its words. Sometimes is just sadness that sets in. An emotion finds its way to the surface where it hurts. An unhealed layer of some long ago place. Feelings of not being enough. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not good enough. I sift through them and I shove back the tears until I am alone, I quiet the sadness in the dark, and push aside the anger, because it doesn’t serve me…..because the truth is I am still healing. I find solace in words most often, and safety in the warmth of his arms, close to his heart.

There is no getting over the angry words, or heavy hands, or sheer fear inflicted by another human being. There is no getting over feeling irrelevant, second best or second choice. There is no getting over abuse, physical, mental…abuse is abuse.

There is no getting over it, only getting through it and learning to how to care for that part of ourselves that is still healing from trauma that most aren’t aware of.

So most days I wear my new life….with a quiet strength and some tenderness, knowing that I am getting through it and healing it the best way I know how.

July 29, 2019 5

Tears…..

Tears…immeasurable strength.

I have been feeling the pull to write, but with all the changes in life and moving I haven’t allowed myself any time to do so. Finally, finally I am here.

I met a woman several years ago that became one of my very best friends and was instrumental in my healing process, she stepped in beside me on my journey. Held me up and loved me unconditionally. And even though we don’t see each other as often as we used to there isn’t a time where we don’t stop for the other to catch some of the most private thoughts and deepest emotions this Universe presents us with.

She helped me to understand that tears were not a sign of weakness, but of immeasurable strength. There was a time when I hid my tears from everyone. A good friend said if she saw me crying she knew something was terribly wrong because I didn’t allow people to see that part of me.

I used to get in trouble for crying. When people are inconsiderate and speak to you with little respect its hurtful, and there they were..tears…a sign of deep pain. The strength it takes to sit with that pain and hold it is undeniable. So she helped me to understand that it was okay to cry, to show up and be who I am. That I was worthy of good people and things in my life.

Tears wash away the unnecessary. They cleanse the deepest wound, they comfort the lonely, they come from the well which replenishes the soul.

Touching wounds and memories..washing away the unnecessary. As recent as today… and never far from the surface.

Peace for your Wednesday evening….

May 16, 2019 0

Writing out loud

I had some time today to think about now and what’s next. We have an iron in the fire which is really exciting. It means work, time and attention, but it will be ours. But I thought about something that I am forever doing , writing. I worked on pages, and pages, and pages over the last few years. Or maybe I have been working on pages since I was twelve.

I know that I always come back to this. It’s my constant. It soothes and heals, listens and advises when I look back on what’s been written. I am forever collecting words in some way, shape or form. Writing is like breathing for me, I can’t live without it.

I used to write on paper napkins several years ago and leave them in random places. I noticed yesterday at lunch I did this It was about being present, in the moment. Chances are in the particular restaurant we were in, they didn’t even look twice at the words. I don’t think they needed them, I think we did. It was a long day, one in which we never wavered, lost patience and we were never short with each other. It says a lot about who we are, as a couple and individually. He said to me that we are receptive to each others energy. Meaning one can remain calm as long as the other does, we feed off of each other. Anyways, my words were a reminder to be present in the moments we were in. We made it through yesterday without one bump or one short word.

Word…words…writing…and back to the task at hand.

I feel like I need to work on my pages again and do something with them. I have received some good feedback and some who disagree with what I write, but I welcome that. I feel it makes me grow as a writer.

So here’s to Writing out loud and what comes next

April 7, 2019 0

She’s Just Not a Keeper

Shes just not a keeper

of old cards

and notes

Or of trinkets

from the past

She lets go

and tucks away

the memories from a long time ago place

With only little recognition of a face

Shes just not a keeper of

tears and lies

Of sad excuses and black eyes

Of what if’s and goodbyes

Old pictures and songs

Mean very little

When they no longer belong

She’s just not a keeper

Of anger and hatred

Or cruel intentions

In fact she’s just not a keeper

of honorable mentions

Shes just not a keeper of inconsistency

Nor of others who hurt people willfully

Of those who don’t know how to be friends

Or shallow people who cant make amends

And in the end

She’s just not a keeper of bad things at all

March 4, 2019 1

Maker

I used to be a maker…when I was healing and when I was happy.

I made a lot of things.

I have been craving that part of myself again.

I am happy

….finally.

and coming home

I touch parts of my life. I feel, deeply feel, love and life. I enjoy the simple things. I even allow dark parts to surface periodically. You cannot experience great gratitude and beauty in life if you cannot embrace the darkest parts of yourself and life as well.

I don’t run from things, other than my own feelings and ever present, deep running emotions and that is only periodic. I have to allow myself time to process and then decompress and come back to the situation head on, clear in thought. The past is the past and the only thing that is important is this moment.

Healing, forever healing, learning and growing. Accepting myself and others as we are. Even the ugly parts.

So a week ago I made intention candles for a few friends and for my life partner and I. They felt good. And that was the beginning. When I touched the candles and herbs they felt good in my hands and woke the part of me that have been hidden for some time.

Soon I will be home and there will be space for me to create. He supports that part of me because we are the same. He understands the call, the constant need to create.

When you give in and feel

from your soul

In the quiet moments

You allow it all to surface

and subside

And you stand in awe

of the canvas of your life.

Peace for your Sunday evening….

#waituntilyouseewhatwedo

March 4, 2019 1

Broken people….

We talk about people who hurt people, sometimes…

I have been thinking a lot about broken people today. Left unhealed or unwilling to do self-work and practice self love, they continue to break others. I know many women and men who have been broken and have given up on the thought of finding someone they can love and will love them in return.

Before I really got to know my life partner, a young woman I know spoke powerful words to me. She said “you will meet someone someday who wont need you to fix them and they wont want to fix you”. Our conversation continued about fixing other people and about the broken continuing to break people. I often think about the men and women who treat each other poorly and my first thought is….”how would you feel if this was done to your child, family member or friend?”. So the partner cheats, would you want your son or daughter to experience the heartache of someone she loves treating him or her this way?

There are so many broken people in this world and they continue to break the innocent because in some warped sense they justify their actions. I have said it before and it just came to mind again, “If you wouldn’t like it or want it done to you, DON’T DO IT!”.

Acceptance….Risk….Happiness

Acceptance…….In order to accept others I think we need to truly accept ourselves, all of our darkness and all of our light. We need to look back at the past and take the lessons that have been presented and move forward with that knowledge. Every obstacle and triumph will teach you something if you are willing to look. Someone will treat you like you are irrelevant and unloved only to show you what you really deserve, someone will treat you like you are not intelligent because they are intimidated by your knowledge. Someone may hold you down until you have no choice but to come up for air, fighting for yourself. We are all human and all worthy of valuable, healthy relationships with people who appreciate us.

Risk….Without risk there will be no reward. Even though you have been hurt, betrayed or broken, however you want to define it, you must find the strength to move beyond it. Self-care. There was a time I painted, or created in some way, my steadfast method of self-care takes the form of writing. It always has and will always be where I find the medicine of life that heals me. Replenishes the layers that have been peeled away. There was a time I sat for hours tying Mala’s (prayer beads). Seems interesting now to realize I was healing while tying prayer beads, but for a time thats where I found peace. I think we need to find an outlet and in it we will find the inner peace that was interrupted by circumstances within and beyond our control. Once I felt like I had time to process and decompress from life’s little messes I was able to consider risking again. I made new friends, after losing trust in old ones, I dated again…after, well, just after. That was risk-taking again to me. Finding strength to trust others in the aftermath of so much pain.

Happiness……Finally. I have been presented with a tremendous amount of happiness. For the first time I really feel like I am living the life I deserve. I never really felt like I deserved good things, I am not sure why. I just felt like I didn’t. I have a lot of good now….just incredibly good. All the bad situations laid ground work and taught me important lessons. I really appreciate the sweetness of life. Unhealed people taught me how they can and will break you, because that is all they know. I think these lessons, however painful, are important. I have learned how to let go, how to risk, and how to trust again. I know how to love and I now know what it feels like to be loved for who I am.

Someday, if you experience broken people, you need to find the strength to try again after you have taken care of yourself. Meet your needs, put yourself first, discover who you are, and find inner peace. You will find them, your people, the ones who know what it feels like to be broken and who would never inflict the pain they have felt on another. You will find people who you can trust, who you can love and love in return, who wont hurt you. And most importantly, wont bleed on you.

Peace in your Saturday evening…..

January 6, 2019 0

What do you speak into the Universe?

So last November, sitting at a light on Desert Inn and Cimarron I spoke the words “I am ready for change, whatever you give me I am ready for”. By February of this year I wasn’t ready but my words came to light. I believe more than ever that what we speak into the Universe will manifest in our lives. I have been more careful lately and so much more specific. So things changed drastically and quickly. It took some time to adjust to this new life that I asked for. And I wonder why I wasn’t more specific now…. and I know it’s because I wasn’t supposed to be…Every thing is falling into place. Better roads have been placing themselves before me. I observe and pay attention now. What is meant to be is coming together.

Fast forward to last Friday morning, it’s after 1 am and I driving home (damn Desert Inn), I did it again. I was more specific this time. Details….I spoke the fine details of what desire into life. I believe there is a higher power that listens when we speak, regardless of our belief system there are greater forces preparing for what is to come next for us.

And then everything changed yesterday…a simple, subtle change. Checking myself at 5:27 pm “remember what you asked for?”. I do. So now it’s placed before me and it will change a lot, if I allow it. I asked for it, I was specific. It has been constant in my thoughts since then. I take a breath and exhale…..these words come to mind

Permanence in a temporary world

I am not sure where this is really meant to go…I just know I come here to think and heal. Tonight its to contemplate what is placed before me. To feel my way through this, to explore my emotions. I have never been this specific…its time, I know, for a change. Its time to take care of me. To stop coming in last with certain people in my life.

What do you speak into the Universe? Are you specific?

I think I am being shown that what I want is possible, its my choice. It’s up to me. The Universe is conspiring to help me achieve it.

Peace for your Sunday evening ❤

May 14, 2018 0