Sense of self

There is something exhilarating about diving into the unknown. Who knows what tomorrow holds? We need to live in the moment. Dreaming in color….free falling into everything and nothing. Holding on for a while and letting go. The ground you are familiar with falls out from under you and before you know it you are alive again….dark moments fade, loneliness subsides slowly and you feel at home in your skin. I have spent countless nights alone so it’s not about being alone…but I was so lonely. I have familiarized myself with me again. Found my company enjoyable and complete. I write, I clean, I breathe and feel at home in my space. Safe from heartache for the time being. Safe from whatever lurks on the other side of my front door.

Its been a while since I have been myself, I traveled to a place of darkness and became someone I didn’t recognize. Here I am, breathing, not figuring it out, but letting it flow. Growth is powerful and lessons are necessary to realize who you are where you need to be. There is no control over what happens…it just happens. People you love hurt you and you learn what is acceptable and what isn’t. You grow wiser and stronger, you readjust your wings and begin again. A new direction, a new mindset, a brand new you.

To live a happy life….this is my desire. I have to be happy within myself before I can be happy anywhere else in life. I have to start to love me again….I know I am not unlovable although for a long time I felt that way. We are such harsh, judgmental beings when it comes to self. It’s so easy for me to love and forgive others to extremes, but when it comes to me…not so easy.

So here I am, another Thursday of my life. A good Thursday, appointments to be kept, calls to be returned and some me time.

I have a great sense of self….on this Thursday in my life.

The morning after

And I exhale. Its been a long few days. Things can change instantly….and they have. I spent last night purging/cleaning a major part of my life. Rearranging things and thinking about whats next.

I am clear in thought….I know what  I want and what I will strive for. I lost myself and my value by placing my happiness in someone else’s pocket for a while. Yes I emptied my cup taking care of others. I exhale….and know in my heart its time to replenish my cup.

I am thinking about a trip to see my family and friends for a long weekend. Maybe some lake time. I have neglected a very important person, myself. When you have to question your worth in someones life, you need to stop and question why you are in their life. To be a back burner is hurtful. So I know one thing for sure….I will never stop being me. I am a good ME….I will continue to seek the best in people even when they don’t see it in themselves. And to stop being kind…is that even possible?? Never….and so I press on.

Gym time….therapy. It feels good to push myself and challenge myself to be better and stronger. I am happy in this moment….I have made a new friend and mentor. She WRITES!!! She has ignited my creativity by showing up. I crave words and writing until the well is dry. This is my home. I have caught up with my WordPress friend and glad he is healing and finding his way. I have good women who surround me and lift me up, thats so important….I even have some very dear men in my life, who, although I cut out for a period of time, remain. Friends….I am humbled by them and will work hard to be a better friend.

Love….good love. Not so sure about it. Maybe someday, people truly can only love you as deeply as they love themselves and meet you the same….like the quote says.

I sit in silence in my home, in a sacred, safe space I have created. Its quiet, except the hum of the air conditioner. It’s a good day to begin again….

Today

Here I am….back again. I am in such a different place than I was a few months ago. I have a lot of pain, anger and hurt brewing under the surface. In a heated conversation last night I felt my heart cracking wide open…I built up that crevice as quickly as I could. I know it will surface and when it does it will bring me to my knees. Its coming and it wont be pretty and I am sure I will be alone….always. I hate to show my tears…..and weakness. People will prey upon you….

So I will make several of my posts private and will invite with a password for those of you I know its safe to share with. I am opening my platform up publicly through my Instagram and Facebook shortly. I need to protect feelings and also myself. A lot of my family is unaware of a lot of the things I have experienced throughout my life. You see, I was taught at a young age to be a secret keeper. Still protecting them….what it is wrong with me?? Old habits die hard.

I have missed my friends here…..word lovers. So its time to fill my need with words. I will be doing some writing with time prompts or just prompts and sharing what I feel is worthy….I have been told to share what I deem unworthy as well.

Peace for now….

Andrea

This morning….

I woke to dreams of oversized shirts

and good coffee

Of a man that’s not here

I woke to a cold

quiet

house

Where nothing echoes in the hall

No footsteps coming up the

stairs

No freshly pressed

love

It’s the same as it was yesterday

and the day before

Loneliness is periodic insanity

Every now and then

someone

somewhere

will make an appearance in my space

to

say hello

or check

for breath or life

and then its back to the reality of

one

 

Soulfood Sunday

I write a lot other than here….tattered pages of old notebooks, even post its in the bathroom while I am getting ready. I have some things taped to the inside of my medicine cabinet and read them often. I think the one that gets me most simply says “Who Am I?”. It’s enough to stop me in my routine and make me question who I AM.

For the last two days I have been home…I am usually on the road or across town at my person’s house. Yesterday I had really good intentions of putting my Christmas tree up…no, not intentions. I was in good spirits until I actually got the tree out, easy part, then those damn lights did it for me. That and the fact that it reminded me that I have always put the lights on alone. A task I dread. I love decorating the tree itself and I am a self-proclaimed ornament addict. I have no problem admitting it. It started when I had my daughter. Every year (she is 18 now) since she was born I have bought her one or three ornaments, written the date on the bottom and placed them in the spot on the tree they pick. I had to stop and go buy new lights…really? I just bought the ones I have last year. Whatever!!

Well our tree made it up last night. I even stopped at Pier One and picked up some new ornaments. I need more….I really do…Oh and candy canes!!

So back to feeding my soul…yes, I am everywhere all at once.

I spent the evening putting more ornaments on the tree, cooked a Salmon burger and settled into my living room for the second time in more months than I can remember. I rented The Shallows….not too bad and hung out with my uppy (yes, thats my dog and yes, I spelled it uppy). I was a little lonely but in no frame of mind to be good company to anyone..even myself. I am grateful for so much, but we all have our moments. Mine was last night and even this morning. I was lonely. I got up around 5 and had coffee and trolled social media for a while. I think its time for a break from Facebook….the political hate is overwhelming and sometimes its hard to watch your friends be negative about life on a daily basis. I decided that bed was a good place to be and slept for a while before waking up to a horrific nightmare about my Mom. I don’t write my dreams any more, it seems like when I do they always come. Not this one…..

So here I am….I grocery shopped this morning and came home with flowers and ingredients to bake. I am making a pot of vegetable soup and the peanut butter cookies just came out of the oven. White Chocolate Macadamia Nut cookies are next. I even made a dry drink mix my daughter loves in the winter called Wassel.

Up next….maybe I will paint. This is the only way I know how to replenish my soul…I dont like putting my worries or troubles upon others, so in this time it easier to be alone.

So this is my Soulfood Sunday….I hope all of you are warm and safe wherever you are and most importantly …I hope you are feeding your soul…

Peace for now

Home….

Home…defined as what??? Where you live??

No, I found home in  words today

I found the language that I speak and understand

I found the sadness

the happiness

the exciting days

lonely nights

fucked up in betweens….

the questions and answers

I found them all

HERE

in our words

We are common

we are different

colors

shapes and sizes

But HERE we are

HOME

 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑