How is that dish best served?

I wrote this last year, the exact date is unimportant. I am clearing space for a new life and stumbled across these words this evening…it says a lot about my frame of mind then. About the place I came from and the circle I had at that time…..

Sometimes I can hardly breathe for the thoughts running through my mind. This morning I struggle with self value, my worth. I know that I am worthy of good things in life, but sometimes they are so hard to accept. Love and kindness from others are  sometimes the hardest gifts to receive.

We compare ourselves to others. To what and who we hear about the most. At least this is my experience. I have to write to think this through. My emotions are unsettled, the dust has been stirred. I think this is a natural state when you step into a newness so rare that it feels like a language you have never spoken.

Life has been pretty hard sometimes. From friendships to relationships. Everyone has always wanted something…everyone. Everyone. So when someone comes and asks or expects nothing except what you are willing to give…meaning if you show kindness and love this is only what is expected in return. When you can give exactly what you expect and it is returned, that is a true gift.

Sometimes I have to…no, all the time I have to walk through and feel all the layers of emotions that are emerging. The love, sadness, disappointments..I have to let each emotion rise, feel my way around it…through it and inhale as I surface with it and release it. 

Slow realization that we deserve more, better, something greater than every thing you have ever had. No more fractures, no more bruises, tears, let downs. No cheating. No more wondering who else has been or is a part of the relationship. No more watching someone while they watch someone else. No more hate, no more pain. Just no more. I released it all, refused to carry anyones baggage.

Life is different now….for me life is so different now. Many months have passed since this was written, written in the beginning of a brand new. A brand new that was terrifying because it was everything I had asked for and wanted. Consistency. Stability. Honesty. Trust. Truth. Love. Friendship. And so much more. A Brand New.

So I wonder “How is that dish best served?”

Peace ❤

My wish for you….

Over the last few days words keep coming to the surface and I think of things I want to write about. As we approach another new year all I could think of was people in my life or people that I have connected with on some level and what I wish for them. So this is my list:

My wish for you is that…..

  • You realize that you are stronger than you think and capable of incredible things
  • You never accept less than you deserve and never let anyone treat you poorly
  • You will always know contentment and a deep inner peace
  • You know my love is unconditional, steadfast, and true
  • You listen to the quiet inner voice that guides you
  • Your children realize what a good woman you are, how much you do for them, and that they are more patient with you
  • You NEVER let anything hold you back
  • You realize not all men/women are bad, and that sometimes extraordinary hellos can come after really hard goodbyes
  • You start treating people better and learn to make meaningful connections
  • Your heart heals
  • You find what you are looking for
  • You understand the pain you cause others, and that its no longer okay or acceptable
  • You value yourself
  • You love yourself
  • Small things in life are meaningful, these are the true gifts
  • You know what it feels like to be loved completely
  • You stop waiting for someday, its up to you to reach for what you want and more so what you deserve
  • You know that there are two sides to every story, and that some people aren’t as bad as you have been told

Just a few random wishes for some people I know….

Otherwise my wish for you is….a life you love, full of contentment and happiness.

Peace for your Tuesday evening ❤

The Wisdom of Sundays on a Saturday

As I often do, I pick a page from my book. Page 27 it is. Ram Dass.

I  picked up The Wisdom of Sundays by Oprah Winfrey after I saw it on a friends coffee table. I flipped through it and  knew it was something I needed.

So….Ram Dass it is on this Saturday morning. I read through the page twice. It speaks of vulnerability, showing up and unconditional love. This is the way I interpret the words I have found.

I thought today I would write about the recent journey I have been on, the trials and tribulations, the part of life that has tested the very core of the person I am. But that changed after page 27.

So, the unconditional love thing. Is that really possible? I have questioned this for at least the last 5 years or more. It’s an ongoing battle with …..”yeah but, give me, do this, do that, can I, will you or the ever famous, if you love me you will” WHY must love be contingent on these things? Why must there be contingencies at all? If someone treats you poorly, how much do you take before you can “un” love unconditionally. There has to be a clear moment when you know that no matter how much you love someone or what you do for them it will never be enough.  You will never enough for them, but “YOU ARE ENOUGH” for you.

I think about the man who was cheated on and heartbroken, the one who is afraid to love again.  I think about the woman who deserves more but can’t see it. The people who search for something they cant obtain because they clearly cant “see” and think that physical interaction is enough to satisfy them. If it is why do they continue to run to the next and the next and the very next, distributing pieces of themselves or their souls as they go. Human connection….sounds amazing, and rare right? They say men don’t want a woman who has been with everyone….and then recently I found the same except “women don’t want a man who has been with everyone”. TRUTH.

Vulnerability….

So you show up and open your heart to another human, and they use it to use you. They take you for granted. Your kindness, your weakness….they take the gift of your authenticity and crush it like fine china. Like its nothing….they cant “see”. Some eyes are so clouded with greed and despair that they cant see. You let down your walls and share your fears, what makes you happy, what breaks you down. The things that have broken you are now somehow used as ammunition to reduce you.

So many thoughts….do we stop loving? Some do, some continue to take the risk and are somehow eventually rewarded with someone who loves them the way they should be. Do we stop showing up? Some do, some isolate and stay to themselves. The few they allow in will never really know they depth of their soul or what makes them who they are. Some continue to risk showing up, learning with each surrender and abandon, with each heart-break or let down they become wiser.

For me, eventually I will show up in my vulnerability again and, yes, I still have faith that unconditional love exists.

So I leave you with my thoughts and words I am saying to myself….

Never risk the opportunity to show someone who you really are, if there is truly unconditional love, they will stay and they will love you. Risk it again and again, because at some point it will be fulfilling and rewarding. Always be who you are, no matter what, the world can be cruel and so can people, but be who you are without hesitation. Know you deserve better. And above all….love yourself, you know you best.

 

Peace for your Saturday ❤

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