Life begins again……

For you Alyse, because you understand the way my words work….

I stepped into the night air, the warm desert wind on my legs. One of my favorite things about a desert summer night, the warmth on my skin. In my mind I wondered what I was thinking. “Am I really doing this?” And I knew, without hesitation, the answer, the only answer. As I made the drive the mellow sounds of Santeria whispered in the back ground. My mind drifted, yes, I was heading into the unknown.

So many times before I had faced the unknown, but not like this, in some sense this was familiar. This was by choice, unknown by choice, not by force. Mostly the unknown had been situations and people who were unkind. Places where I was supposed to be safe but that was taken.

I found the place I was looking for and I entered the home. I didn’t hesitate, even though I had never been here, I didn’t feel the typical feelings of uneasiness, judgement, distrust or even fear. This place was safe, warm and inviting. The energy was even and welcoming.

Earthy…when I replay those moments. The room felt earthy and easy, no pressure. The aroma and the energy of the air were comforting and music lingered like heavy smoke. Before me were so many treasures, I admired the walls and shelves, the tables in the corner adorned with plants, gemstones, candles….the things that were important to this person who occupied this space.

The words “make yourself at home” fell from their lips. I hesitated…but the words were genuine. I continued to glance from place to place, my eyes indulging in the contents of the this space. Within minutes I removed my sandals, I couldn’t wear them any more. I needed to be grounded in the moment and all the moments to follow. I never went barefoot anywhere but home. And I was barefoot and I felt the earth..connected….I was grounded.

And then came the silver dish…full of gemstones. Many colors and textures. I asked if it was okay to touch the contents of the bowl. I turned them over and over, familiarizing myself with them. The energy, the place, the space, the human….and I was alive..finally …..and Life Begins Again.

Thank you Alyse for pushing, pulling, inspiring, breathing and walking with me. For wording with me!! For the encouragement and for helping me put that inner critic to sleep. Life feels good my friend and I miss writing with you.

Love and peace to you always ❤

“Feel Free”

Feel Free

I fall into my routine and think about what needs to be done. Then I drift to whats been done to me. The age of 13 keeps coming up. I read a passage in The 5 Love Languages today and thats where it all started.

“Something in our natures cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments. At the heart of humankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another”  Chapman, Gary, The 5 Love Languages

I believe that I am a likable person and a good human so when I am not acknowledged or intentionally ignored it is devastating. I took and bath and read a book, pulled a writing prompt and ended up in my 13 year old life for a few moments.

When I was 13 my Mom was married to a verbally abusive alcoholic. He would drink beer every night. And then we bought cases for the week and on Friday he started with hard alcohol.  They say that women pick men like the father or father figure in their life from 12 to 16 or maybe its 13 to 16. This makes perfect sense for me now. I have really had some time to think about the men I have had in my life. I thought I did good when “I picked” a man. You see I let the long-term relationships I have had, not a lot, pick me. Well I finally picked a man and he was….well he just was. He wasnt an alcoholic and I have my thoughts on what he did in our time…actually I know what has been to me, by admission and then by action. Actions, by all means, speak louder than words.

When we went to live with Arnold I was 12. Out of sight, out of mind. Stay quiet and in your room and you didn’t feel the repercussions for being 12 and not his biological child. If I was lucky I was ignored and that was a lot. I never realized until the last several years of my life how hurtful it is to be ignored. There are actual articles out there that say the damage of someone ignoring you is worse than physical abuse. When I am not acknowledged its like saying…”it doesnt matter if you are here, you don’t exist, you aren’t worthy of my time”. First I hurt and then I hate and I am not a hateful person. I acknowledge everyone…yes, everyone. I would never ignore someone on purpose. I have more compassion, understanding and emotions than to hurt someone like that.

I don’t know how the prompt of “Feel Free” led me to this, that’s not whats important. The flow is important, the emptying of thoughts. And whats more important is sitting with my own feelings. The feeling of not mattering, of reaching into my core and knowing I DO FUCKING matter, even if it’s not to you. Think about how you treat people….and then ask yourself how you would feel if someone treated you that way….Some people lack empathy and compassion and decent common courtesy.

Be A Good Human….<3 and yes, treat people how you would like to be treated

Peace for Sunday and all days ❤

You forgot….

We slept late

and rose separately

I made the bed….and breakfast

I washed the dishes

and a few thoughts away

Went about the day

As I shopped, I lingered longer than necessary


love and affection between the couple in front of me in line

the smile on the young womans face who helped me

I walked through the outdoor mall

without direction

exchanged pleasant conversation with several people

And as I finished at the market

I sat in the car for some time

reading inspirational words


After an afternoon of errands

and periodic sadness

I put my head on my pillow and it was then

I realized you forgot

to kiss me goodnight



Dont settle for her….

Dont settle for her…….

You will never really be happy

and that isn’t fair to her

She deserves a lover who wants her

Who desires to see her smile and her eyes light up

Someone who will hold her

Dont settle for her…

If you can’t love her for the depth of her soul

is there anything else?

She needs someone to look at her and see tomorrow

next month

and the next twenty years

Dont settle for her ….

Women like her are rare

a permanence in an ever temporary world

Kiss her

Take her breath away

Look at her across the room

and make her aware that it is she

who holds your heart

But dont fucking settle for her……




Loving her wont be easy….but it will be worth it.
She darts from remnants of the night with a familiar ache in her soul. She has never been so balanced and grounded in her life and fear creeps in. No one stays and everyone hurts…familiar patterns in her life.
She knows she has to face these ghosts now or they will haunt her days.
So if you choose to stay, loving her wont be easy, but it will be worth it.
She will touch you with hands that know how to be gentle, because she has been abused. She will be completely loyal to you in every way, because she knows what its like to be cheated on and betrayed. You will be supported and appreciated because she knows what its like to be non-existent.
I can’t promise that every day with her will be sunshine…she will need you to weather some of her storms with her now and then. They pale in comparison to the to the raging hurricanes she has survived at the hands of the ones before you.
So, if you choose to stay, loving her wont be easy, but it will be worth it.
Remember, she is human, she is tender and every now and then she needs to know that she matters to you. Appreciate her, touch her….let her know she is important. Small things matter the most to a woman who has never had a solid man.
So, if you choose to stay, loving her wont be easy, but it will be worth it.

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