Tag: humanity

In my 49th year

In my 49 years of life I’ve learned a lot.

Age 5 : I learned that not all adults are kind and wont keep you safe from the monsters. Many times they are monsters.

Age 8: Abused children are predators too.

Age 12: Step parents aren’t always the best parents.

Age 13: Some friends will always be your friends.

Age 16: People continue to reiterate that they aren’t kind. Some lessons repeat themselves.

Age 18: Some things aren’t as significant as you think they are. Twenty years from 18 a lot of shit wont matter. Don’t give it too much thought or time.

Age 20: Black eyes still show through makeup

Age 22: You wait for 6 years

Age 28: The most amazing experience, I became a mom.

Times change, a lot happens, good and bad. Family will treat you terribly and you will tolerate it because, well, because they are supposed to be family.

Age 47 and 364 days: My boy leaves after 14 years with me. There will never be a time I will ever completely let go of him. Buster was my constant, unconditional love for 14 years….fourteen years. And then this year not one but three new brown-eyed boys show up and open the places in my heart I couldn’t feel and maybe didn’t want too. Animals heal.

Relationships change, people come and go, and so do we.

Age 48: Yes, I knew it would be different. I wasn’t sure how, but I knew. Sometimes I just didn’t even want to be here any more. It was enough, people you trust break you. Friends aren’t really, never really were, friends. So I ask my Creator for change, for something better, not realizing that the storm was coming. It took me a couple of months to come up for air. My Mom, my friends, the good in my life held fast. It was time to let the falseness fall away and some of those ties would hurt when they let loose. Time to get up. I never really laid down for long, just long enough to gather my breath and thoughts, to figure out what was coming next.

A new job comes. I am tested, and I swim. I love what I do and the people I work with. Sure there is stress and obstacles, but when isn’t there? We are a good community working for the betterment of human beings. And I am learning!!! Who could ask for more? Jobs change, sometimes abruptly without warning. You are left spinning, trying to figure out what’s next. Time ticks by and a new job appears, new friendships are weaved. Life starts looking better.

I want more and less, and more. So easy, more good…people, friends, happiness. Less unhappiness, self-doubt, judgement from those around me. And more. And. More. I was seeking, I just always knew…..someone would come. I just didn’t know when.

And its Friday and I look at you and my first thought is “How lucky am I to love this human?” There isn’t an answer that would tell the entire world what is in my heart for you. I have had time to reflect and I was thinking that, for the first time, in a long time, I don’t feel the need for a safe place. I know that with you I am safe, there is no fear of hurt or betrayal, no lies and no one else. I don’t have to wonder where you are when we aren’t together, what you are doing or if there is someone else. I know what it feels like to be loved without condition. You don’t want to control me and allow me the freedom to be exactly who I am without judgement. But most importantly we only expect from each other what we are willing to give. Gosh, I love you ❤ and everything about you. We are imperfectly perfect. You are my steady hand, constant heart and my Walk On the Wild Side. There have been many firsts with you and I look forward to many more.

Steady rhythms of life, growth, love…all of it.

So here is to my 49th year. Life just keeps getting better. I have been through a lot and wouldn’t trade one single moment of any of it for the place I am in now. It’s all been worth it just to get to this point.

So, um, yeah….49 looks good ❤

Peace

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Reflections……

Sunday evening….

Sunday evening is my time to reflect on the last few days of life.

I quietly started reflecting on my drive home on Saturday evening. The conversations with the man I have fallen in love with. The dinner party I had just left with a girlfriend I hadn’t seen in more than a year. The proverbial list I had made in my head of what we needed as I headed up the hill towards the market, asking you if we needed anything. Your response bringing a sweet smile across my face. Noticing there is a Target not too far from his home and making the mental note that if I need anything I know where to go. I am learning his surroundings. Just feeling life. The air. The music. Glancing at the clock and thinking 3 more hours until you make your way home. Everything feeling familiar, but yet brand new.

Tonight I am pondering the past, anger and the many thoughts that seem to connect to those emotions. I am not holding on to anything, no what if’s for me. I love my life completely. I just think about people and how they treat others. How vindictive some are, cold and thoughtless and wonder how human beings can treat each other so terribly. I have always walked away from hard situations in my life without a thought of hatred or retaliation, dealing with my emotions in my own way. I do believe that time heals all. Had I not traveled the rough roads I would not be who I am and very possibly not grateful for what I have. I have no room in my heart for hate or anger and I have many reasons I could carry those emotions. Yes, there are people, places and times I let go of. I had to for my own well being. I can’t hate, but I let go and heal.

Reflecting….

We have deep conversations about the stars, life, our families and things we love. It’s hard to remain present sometimes when I am so excited about the future. The holidays, blending our own traditions with new ones that we create. The trips coming up. The bookstore, the cactus garden or dinner at one of the places we love. You make it so easy to love you. Standing in the kitchen in our spots for hours talking about things no one would understand. Words. I hang onto them and yours are so good.

Sunday….

The drive across town this evening, more mental notes. I need to call my Mom, check in, still checking in at my age? So funny. My girl, so proud of the young woman she has become. I run into my two of my girlfriends at the market, quick, excited catch ups. Groceries, laundry and of course words. I need them like air.

Thoughts….

Life is short. Love hard. Treat them as you would want to be treated. Be kind. If you find yourself in a hard situation step outside for a moment and think of the advice you would give your child, family member or friend and apply that to yourself.

Love yourself.

BE KIND ALWAYS!

If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it to someone else!!!

You can let people know how you feel in a kind way and if it doesn’t change WALK AWAY, silently, with your dignity intact.

ABOVE ALL LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU DESERVE

Peace for your Sunday ❤

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Sunday evening…..

A long drive home, plenty of time to get lost in thought. Cooking for a few days ahead, laundry, the Bird, the Win and the Tunes. The air filters on and off as the scent of the night linger. The neighbors grilling and their children playing, the family on the other side play catch with their dogs. These are the sounds of my night.

A long drive home, the to do list, the chuck it list and the sweet thoughts about the weekend. You took me to the ballet and I fell in love. So beautiful and heartbreaking. Yes, please, again and a again. In our good clothes we end up in a neighborhood bar, watching the game, enjoying our own company and singing now and then. Everyone falls away and its only you and I.

The contrast of our life….sleep ins, but what about those 6 am mornings? Its been a while, but they are so good. Soft rains and sitting outside, I am sure it was around 3 am. And I am sure I wouldn’t want to be your neighbors. This is what middle of life looks like. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Routine and not so much…sgood (yes, sgood).

So Sunday night. Highs and lows. Feeling my feelings, which I am convinced no one could completely, ever understand. The intuition that kicks in, the words people speak that hurt and the actions they show which do the same. I am observant, a lot more than people give me credit for.

The pineapple mango candle that fills the living room was a gift from a strong woman I admire that I don’t see any more, but think of more than she knows. Permanently stiched in the threads of my heart.

And Theresa, my Idaho Theresa, I hold her heart in my hands, always.

Life is short and should be well lived. I don’t hold fast to the past or the people who damaged pages of my story. I don’t “what if”, because quite honestly there isn’t anything worth “what if’ing”. I love my life in the now.

Instead I have been reminded recently of how short life is. How temporary and fleeting. I think of the quote that carries the words “finite and fragile”, life and love relate to those words for me. We should love while we can. We are not promised….anything. There isn’t a too fast or too slow, we do what is right for us. This is more than the half way point, the rest will be the best. If you can’t feel that, can you feel?

So these are just a few pieces of my extravagant life I choose to share. The human, the moments, breathing, sitting in gratitude for what I have and where I have been. For wisdom. For life.

For all of it.

This is my Sunday evening…..

 

Peace for your Sunday evening….and every day ❤

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Just the way you are…..

In the last several months my life has changed in ways that were unimaginable. I learned  about uncertainty, fear, deep sadness, periodic depression, friendship and commitment…and I learned how to get up. I am one of those people who has to dive deeply into what life gives me, good or bad, tread in the waters for a time and resurface with a clear perspective on what to do and how I will survive. I have some amazing friends that stood strong and never wavered in their support of me. They were there at the darkest and are still standing next to me in my light.

So here I am, six months out. Same good, strong friendships and new ones blooming. A  new direction, new job and an incredible man in my life which brings me to letting someone love you just the way you are.

Sometimes you don’t realize how damaging friendships and relationships are until you are standing on the opposite side looking back in. People will let you down, judge you and make you second guess who you are. But only if you allow it. I was untrue to myself for many years because I didn’t allow myself to “just be”. I did with my closest circle but beyond that people only saw who I allowed them to see, who I chose for them to see. People can be so judgmental and it can tear us down if we allow it to affect us. I did. The way I dressed, how I spoke, who I spent time with, how I loved myself. I lost the self-esteem and confidence I had worked so hard to build, I lost being comfortable in my own skin. I lost me.

The one thing I didn’t lose is the way I treat people. No matter how poorly someone acts I will never return that behavior to them. I will simply wish them well, close that door and push on. I have always said I will continue to risk my heart in hopes that someday someone will come and stay….

And then….oh….and then

On a humid summer day, at our half way point, we found each other. Its been constant and consistent every since. I am adjusting to this new normal. We showed up, unpacked our proverbial bags and here we are. We mirror each other in many ways, past relationships and marriages. The time lines, the me too’s, the “I can’t believe you like that too”, the creative sides of each of us. Soulfood. The way we show respect towards each other, the way we give, the way we treat others. The Universe has a funny way of giving you what you ask for, and in the end what you deserve. We are so present…We. Are. So. Present. when we are together. Was there a time before now? Past contracts completed to bring us to the present.

My point is we showed up. I never wanted someone to carry my bags, I wanted to unpack them and it be okay. So it began, without question, on that summer day. We showed up and brought a small bag to unpack. Without judgement or hesitation we laid the contents out for the other to explore. Over time we have shared the hurts, let downs, accomplishments and life experiences. Not one red flag. I look at this beautiful human and he fills me up. Our hearts open and receiving. We see each other for who we are. Imperfectly perfect human beings who didn’t give up on people and finding someone good.

So just be who you are and let someone love you, flaws and all. Take the risk, always, always take the risk and one day you will….You will arrive home. You will find, feel and experience peace and what its like to be fully accepted for exactly who you are. We took the risk and…..

Sunlight has entered our broken windows and illuminated life….

 

Peace for your Sunday ❤

And every day…..

 

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Will and Determination

Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough

~ Og Mandino~

I have been wanting to write about people who inspire me for some time. Often times I do without using names, although they know who they are.

Many times when we are alone with our thoughts, it is detrimental to our well-being and lately this has been the case for me. So I have chosen to share an article about someone who inspires me when I feel I have no will.

I have always admired various people in life for their artistic abilities and I believe that we are all artists in our own way.  I can also appreciate the various forms of creative outlets that people seek. Many of us have suffered some sort of trauma in our lives,  physical, emotional, sexual, grief, loss or some sort of tragedy in general. Some of the most creative people I know have also been some of the most traumatized.

In 2015 I opened my account on Instagram….I began following, liking, observing and connecting with various people. Two of my friends have these eyes that present me with the ability to see life through their (camera) lenses and find beauty where many don’t…and so my love for the different layers of life intensified.

Graffiti. Street Art. Writers. Writers….words. Beautiful and colorful. Dark and deep. Bold, hard edges, soft, rounded corners…Words. People, faces, places and names of present and past. Writers…street art…or as I like think of them poets of paint..”poets of paint”.

The first time I can really remember words saving me I was 12. I started writing poetry or expressive essays ( as I learned from my friend Alyse to call them) and have written to heal parts of my life since. I think I was attracted to street art because of the lettering and the expression behind it. I knew it came from someone who had been through something…we all have a common thread somewhere in life.

I have followed many different artists over the last couple of years and this is how I came to admire one man, Benny Diar. When I think about will and determination…he, hands down, comes to mind. I cannot tell his story, you will have to read it for yourself, but I am sure you will find his thirst for life and art contagious. He has overcome obstacles and odds to do things many of us take for granted on a daily basis and he continues to be an inspiration to many.

So…will and determination…will make you survive and thrive. It “will” make you live when you think you can’t and it will drive to you to be the best you can under different circumstances that life presents you.

I hope that you find something inspirational or useful from here this evening….I have read and heard it many, many time…..”There is always, always something to be grateful for”.

 

Peace for your Friday and in your life

*used with permission of Benny Diar

 

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Someone once asked….

And someone once asked her what she wanted…

She wanted to sit in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon and work on the book that she had written a million times in her mind. She wanted to feed her soul with the things she felt most connected to. Words.

Her friends painted and wrote, weaved and crafted treasures for little shops and big. They took pictures of objects and people who fed their souls. They healed their wounds by creating beautiful pieces and places in this life. They left their mark. Yes, she wanted to leave a mark in this life that had meaning.

What did she want? Peace, calm…steady, easy rhythm to life. Not a roller coaster and of ifs and maybes. She wanted certainty. She wanted rain, coffee shops and bookstores. Tea and rosemary, lavender and honey…random simplicities. Big coffee mugs and good people. She wants to listen and be heard, to lift people up and kneel down with…laugh, cry and live life with.

She learned about crows and eagles alone on a desolate road at 12:40 am on a Wednesday morning. She knew about darkness and diving into the depths of it and resurfacing with some clarity. She knew about sleeping and rising alone, and feeling connected and disconnected from life and people.

But it wasnt about what she knew, it was about what she wanted.

Love and happiness……pens and paper….paint and canvas.

Life.

Today she wanted life more than yesterday.

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The Wisdom of Sundays on a Saturday

As I often do, I pick a page from my book. Page 27 it is. Ram Dass.

I  picked up The Wisdom of Sundays by Oprah Winfrey after I saw it on a friends coffee table. I flipped through it and  knew it was something I needed.

So….Ram Dass it is on this Saturday morning. I read through the page twice. It speaks of vulnerability, showing up and unconditional love. This is the way I interpret the words I have found.

I thought today I would write about the recent journey I have been on, the trials and tribulations, the part of life that has tested the very core of the person I am. But that changed after page 27.

So, the unconditional love thing. Is that really possible? I have questioned this for at least the last 5 years or more. It’s an ongoing battle with …..”yeah but, give me, do this, do that, can I, will you or the ever famous, if you love me you will” WHY must love be contingent on these things? Why must there be contingencies at all? If someone treats you poorly, how much do you take before you can “un” love unconditionally. There has to be a clear moment when you know that no matter how much you love someone or what you do for them it will never be enough.  You will never enough for them, but “YOU ARE ENOUGH” for you.

I think about the man who was cheated on and heartbroken, the one who is afraid to love again.  I think about the woman who deserves more but can’t see it. The people who search for something they cant obtain because they clearly cant “see” and think that physical interaction is enough to satisfy them. If it is why do they continue to run to the next and the next and the very next, distributing pieces of themselves or their souls as they go. Human connection….sounds amazing, and rare right? They say men don’t want a woman who has been with everyone….and then recently I found the same except “women don’t want a man who has been with everyone”. TRUTH.

Vulnerability….

So you show up and open your heart to another human, and they use it to use you. They take you for granted. Your kindness, your weakness….they take the gift of your authenticity and crush it like fine china. Like its nothing….they cant “see”. Some eyes are so clouded with greed and despair that they cant see. You let down your walls and share your fears, what makes you happy, what breaks you down. The things that have broken you are now somehow used as ammunition to reduce you.

So many thoughts….do we stop loving? Some do, some continue to take the risk and are somehow eventually rewarded with someone who loves them the way they should be. Do we stop showing up? Some do, some isolate and stay to themselves. The few they allow in will never really know they depth of their soul or what makes them who they are. Some continue to risk showing up, learning with each surrender and abandon, with each heart-break or let down they become wiser.

For me, eventually I will show up in my vulnerability again and, yes, I still have faith that unconditional love exists.

So I leave you with my thoughts and words I am saying to myself….

Never risk the opportunity to show someone who you really are, if there is truly unconditional love, they will stay and they will love you. Risk it again and again, because at some point it will be fulfilling and rewarding. Always be who you are, no matter what, the world can be cruel and so can people, but be who you are without hesitation. Know you deserve better. And above all….love yourself, you know you best.

 

Peace for your Saturday ❤

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Christmas again……

Christmas time….families, tradition, celebration and stress.

Today I can’t wait for January.

New year, new beginnings and new mind-set.

When we relate the holidays with stress and worry they tend to become less important. People aren’t always grateful for what they have or what they receive. Some have more than others and some gifts aren’t enough. Holidays are about more than gifts. To me they are about spending time with those who mean the most, sharing meals, laughing and loving each other. Easy, heartfelt, memorable moments.

I will probably touch a few nerves here, but here we go……

Holidays changed for me during my separation when a couple of members of my family went to my now ex husbands house. So spending that first year alone was a real eye opener and an awakening for me. I enjoyed my time with Buster and sitting on my couch  with my tree lit and candles burning. It was ok to be alone, no worries about what I got someone, if it would be enough or if you could see the gratefulness or lack of happiness in their eyes when they opened it. That is the meaning of Christmas???

I wonder what other people think about Christmas….are they financially struggling to meet all the expectations? Are they pulled in many directions? Are they alone or in a crowd of people? Are they enjoying the simple quiet pleasures of life? The moments that matter most….is there humble gratitude in their hearts for the things in this life that are important?

We, as people are a mess. We have lost so much…or maybe we never had it and that’s why for a lot it’s about the materialistic things they will receive. Ask the person who has lost someone, or hasn’t been spoken to or spoken to family in years what they would be grateful for if they could steal those times back? I bet it would be a lot different from anything that money could buy.

I am tired….and we are less than two weeks away.

Well I wish for everyone a holiday season, however you celebrate, with moments of happiness to tuck into your heart and carry with you for your time. Humble gratitude and clarity for who and what you have in your life.

And finally peace in your soul.

Heres looking forward to 2018 ❤

 

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Welcome home…..

A little food for thought this Sunday morning…..

After spending a significant part of the last two days digging deeply into feelings and thoughts I have come to some really good realizations. We heal ourselves, emotions and otherwise when given time.

I have thought I was less than what I am because of actions and words of another. It can really mess with your mindset and self-esteem if you allow it. And dammit, I allowed that.

I know that I am worthy of a lot. When I spoke the words out loud last night and again this morning that I had been thinking, they really hit home. I know a lot of us have felt like we aren’t worthy, lovable, wanted or desired. At some point we have allowed others to plant seeds of doubt about who we are…be it by the words they speak or the way they act. I could list many instances, but are they worth it? Respect the people in your life…think about your actions or words and how you would feel if the same was done to you?

I don’t want to be anyone else. I don’t want to be someone I am not to please someone else. Been there, done that. Not worth it. In the end you will hurt yourself and you will hurt the people who thought they knew you. I choose me now. Choose to be authentic and still be vulnerable even though this world is filled with people who prey upon people like us. In the end they will be rewarded for the behavior they have bestowed upon others. It is not for us to repay their kindness (a little sarcasm here) or lack thereof. Life deals your hand.

I know what I am worthy of and more over what I am capable of. I am a good person with a good heart and choose to see the best in people. I stay too long and love too much. I look for the good and turn a cheek to the bad, I really need to work on that. They say when you meet someone and they tell you who they are, believe them. Damn….BELIEVE THEM! That is probably my biggest lesson over the last few years. If you aren’t enough for someone, you will be for someone else. Remember who you are, where you came and what you have been through…this has shaped you.

Remember……

You are worthy

You are capable

You are loved

You are beautiful/handsome

You are greatness

You are intelligent

You are desirable

You are everything YOU choose to be

Welcome home…

 

Peace for your Sunday ❤

 

It’s always darkest before the dawn….its morning

 

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