Words are the only place I can find solace.
When my heart hurts, when life is hard and yes, even when its the best. This is the only place I know to come. They save me from certain destruction…they also celebrate my greatest joys with me.
I am lost lately. I seek to feed my soul and this is the only way I know how, yet recently it isn’t enough. I know when things aren’t right in my life, intuition, and lately I chose to ignore it, only for it to come to light later. I know that I should listen when something tells me there is more to what is before me. You see I have always listened to the words that aren’t spoken and I pay very careful attention to those around me. More often than not they think that I am naive to the situation but I am not. Thus hurt feelings and second guessing my worth to those individuals. Enough? Imagine that…..
Sleepless nights turn into drug out days…random tears, fake smiles. It’s so easy to hide in front of people. When I am alone at night my demons come out to play. They put in my face everything I have put off, everything I hide. I have a habit of seeking temporary happiness in material items. Things that aren’t necessary. Then comes guilt and shame. It’s not often that I do this because I have a tendency to take better care of those around than taking care of myself. It’s just easier.
So here I am…functioning on maybe three hours of sleep, knowing something is off right now….and waiting for it to show up.