Slow realization

And with morning came the slow realization that she would never be enough for him

She had given everything there was to give and she knew it still wasn’t enough

She always emptied her cup making sure others were happy

Overnight the bottom fell out of her cup and was slowly replaced with something new

Some long-lost new found wisdom


She knows what she has to offer

She knows what kind of life she is capable of building

Quiet confidence, along with sadness, bubble to the surface

It’s not about her being enough any more

She is enough for herself

What he seeks is something she doesn’t posses

He wont admit that it’s not her that he wants

He sought others in solitary time while she has been alone

And I look at her

She stands alone in the moment


yet silent

With slow realization





The Modern Day Mom & PTSD

As defined by WEBMD: 

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), once called shell shock or battle fatigue syndrome, is a serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event in which serious physical harm occurred or was threatened. PTSD is a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror, such as a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, an accident, war, or natural disaster. Families of victims can also develop PTSD, as can emergency personnel and rescue workers.

Many people think that PTSD is an excuse. I would trade places with them in heartbeat if they would like to experience the effects of horrific events that led to my diagnosis.

I spent several years of my late teens being angry and making bad choices. The first traumatic event I can remember was a step father hitting me….and then a step father sexually abusing me….and then a step father emotionally and verbally terrorizing me. Some of these actions set me up for later choices in life.

I chose a man who beat me…this is when I would beg God for death. I couldn’t understand why I should still be here, but I was paralyzed for a time and couldn’t leave. The last time I can remember thinking this had to be it was when he punched me in the face and dropped me to the concrete at a local park. He helped me up and to the car. He would cry and beg me to forgive him. This was the last time…I knew that I wouldn’t last much longer if I stayed. The last time I heard his voice he threatened to put a bullet in my head because, the bullshit line, “If I can’t have you, no one can”. After that I became a shut in for about a year. The sound of a neighbor’s door slamming or the people at the end of the walk fighting would send me into blind fear. If I could only sleep the other four hours of the day away…then it would all be okay.

To this day I feel I can still feel the effects of that period in my life. If someone moves to quickly or if there is a loud noise. It may not affect me every time, but when I am deep in thought or preoccupied with something it hits me in waves. My soon to be ex husband once got in my face and I recoiled in fear which enraged him even more. He pointed his finger in my face and yelled “don’t act like you are afraid or that I have hit you” .  I can think of this moment now and realize what kind of man, who claims love, could be so uncaring or inconsiderate of what someone has been through. That is neither here nor there now….but a moment like that sets me back years in my healing process.

Fast forward three months and here I am….

I do that sometimes……I shut myself away from a lot. I don’t want to burden the world with my troubles, let alone burden the ones I love. I am seeing daylight again…finally. I finally hired an attorney because we get no where and I am as tired as he is. I want to move forward and cant with that part of m life. I have many thoughts and opinions concerning this that will wait until everything is final because sometimes people like to try to dig into my life.

So I finally slept last night….more solid than I have in a very long time. My PTSD has heightened recently because I fear his anger. So here I am….I have been doing a lot of diving into the effects and ways to heal help heal myself. I know it will never fully go away but I also know there are times it will subside. I think many events over the last three months that I have held in contributed to my recent state of mind. Not a very healthy state at all….

So here’s to sunrises and new days. To healing the past and moving into the future. To forgiveness and loving someone wholly….scars and all. Never judging a book by its cover and being compassionate.

Happy Sunday….and everyday.

Peace ❤

January 1, 2017

Let me start by saying that I don’t make resolutions…I never have.

The words have been eating at me for some time and more recent in the last 36 here I am for a dose of medicine that I don’t want to taste. (Big Baby haha )

I have learned a lot of things this past year and also confirmed a few things I know to be true. First and foremost, “LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION”.

I havent had a great track record with male figures in my life, from step fathers to my soon to be ex husband and partners. I dont care what anyone has to say…in my life there has only been one man who hasn’t cheated on me. One. They say lessons repeat until you learn. So what the fuck am I supposed to learn? That 2016 taught me I don’t have to be so nice and that some people just need to be cut the fuck off. That this time I am giving a second chance when I typically will walk away? I know that I need to love my self again, that I need to be as good to me as I am to people in my life. Selfish? I doubt it. I am not conceited or full of myself but I am a good Mom, daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend….I am a good human being even when life deposits shitty people in my path. I smile and keep pushin. I treat people as I would like to be treated and therefore end up with hurt feelings and more scars. I will not settle for anyone and expect no one to settle for me. I love fucking hard…yeah, I have baggage, if you say you don’t, you lie. So if you feel its off, it is….no rose colored glasses anymore of a good, loving, perfect partner. Reality is a bitch sometimes.

So here we are 2017…….I look back on the last year of my life and that of my friends and one thing that will not let up is “2016, You hit like a bitch!!!”. 2016 proved that there is no perfect person for you, we are all fucked up. It’s about finding the ability to love beyond faults, second chances come once.  I have been through so much bullshit and here I am. So fuck resolutions and fuck being that nice woman who takes shit lying down.

For us…

Love ourselves,travel more, love each other, be kind, be patient, take risks, love ourselves, kiss deeply, let people that you love know you love them, appreciate all things, more life, less bullshit, walk away when we can’t anymore, love ourselves, we are the only ones we really have,  its okay to ask for help, don’t carry the weight of the world on your own, there are people who care….buy the stuff…we live one time. Never, ever, judge a book by its cover. Love ourselves, kiss them…and more than once. Hug with intention. Make more eye contact and conversation. Be a good human. Above all love yourself and make you happy. Its contagious. Oh and one more thing, dont forget to……


HAPPY 2017

Solace in Words

Words are the only place I can find solace.

When my heart hurts, when life is hard and yes, even when its the best. This is the only place I know to come. They save me from certain destruction…they also celebrate my greatest joys with me.

I am lost lately. I seek to feed my soul and this is the only way I know how, yet recently it isn’t enough. I know when things aren’t right in my life, intuition, and lately I chose to ignore it, only for it to come to light later. I know that I should listen when something tells me there is more to what is before me. You see I have always listened to the words that aren’t spoken and I pay very careful attention to those around me. More often than not they think that I am naive to the situation but I am not. Thus hurt feelings and second guessing my worth to those individuals. Enough? Imagine that…..

Sleepless nights turn into drug out days…random tears, fake smiles. It’s so easy to hide in front of people. When I am alone at night my demons come out to play. They put in my face everything I have put off, everything I hide. I have a habit of seeking temporary happiness in material items. Things that aren’t necessary. Then comes guilt and shame. It’s not often that I do this because I have a tendency to take better care of those around than taking care of myself. It’s just easier.

So here I am…functioning on maybe three hours of sleep, knowing something is off right now….and waiting for it to show up.


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