Reflections……

Sunday evening….

Sunday evening is my time to reflect on the last few days of life.

I quietly started reflecting on my drive home on Saturday evening. The conversations with the man I have fallen in love with. The dinner party I had just left with a girlfriend I hadn’t seen in more than a year. The proverbial list I had made in my head of what we needed as I headed up the hill towards the market, asking you if we needed anything. Your response bringing a sweet smile across my face. Noticing there is a Target not too far from his home and making the mental note that if I need anything I know where to go. I am learning his surroundings. Just feeling life. The air. The music. Glancing at the clock and thinking 3 more hours until you make your way home. Everything feeling familiar, but yet brand new.

Tonight I am pondering the past, anger and the many thoughts that seem to connect to those emotions. I am not holding on to anything, no what if’s for me. I love my life completely. I just think about people and how they treat others. How vindictive some are, cold and thoughtless and wonder how human beings can treat each other so terribly. I have always walked away from hard situations in my life without a thought of hatred or retaliation, dealing with my emotions in my own way. I do believe that time heals all. Had I not traveled the rough roads I would not be who I am and very possibly not grateful for what I have. I have no room in my heart for hate or anger and I have many reasons I could carry those emotions. Yes, there are people, places and times I let go of. I had to for my own well being. I can’t hate, but I let go and heal.

Reflecting….

We have deep conversations about the stars, life, our families and things we love. It’s hard to remain present sometimes when I am so excited about the future. The holidays, blending our own traditions with new ones that we create. The trips coming up. The bookstore, the cactus garden or dinner at one of the places we love. You make it so easy to love you. Standing in the kitchen in our spots for hours talking about things no one would understand. Words. I hang onto them and yours are so good.

Sunday….

The drive across town this evening, more mental notes. I need to call my Mom, check in, still checking in at my age? So funny. My girl, so proud of the young woman she has become. I run into my two of my girlfriends at the market, quick, excited catch ups. Groceries, laundry and of course words. I need them like air.

Thoughts….

Life is short. Love hard. Treat them as you would want to be treated. Be kind. If you find yourself in a hard situation step outside for a moment and think of the advice you would give your child, family member or friend and apply that to yourself.

Love yourself.

BE KIND ALWAYS!

If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it to someone else!!!

You can let people know how you feel in a kind way and if it doesn’t change WALK AWAY, silently, with your dignity intact.

ABOVE ALL LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU DESERVE

Peace for your Sunday ❤

Life begins again……

For you Alyse, because you understand the way my words work….

I stepped into the night air, the warm desert wind on my legs. One of my favorite things about a desert summer night, the warmth on my skin. In my mind I wondered what I was thinking. “Am I really doing this?” And I knew, without hesitation, the answer, the only answer. As I made the drive the mellow sounds of Santeria whispered in the back ground. My mind drifted, yes, I was heading into the unknown.

So many times before I had faced the unknown, but not like this, in some sense this was familiar. This was by choice, unknown by choice, not by force. Mostly the unknown had been situations and people who were unkind. Places where I was supposed to be safe but that was taken.

I found the place I was looking for and I entered the home. I didn’t hesitate, even though I had never been here, I didn’t feel the typical feelings of uneasiness, judgement, distrust or even fear. This place was safe, warm and inviting. The energy was even and welcoming.

Earthy…when I replay those moments. The room felt earthy and easy, no pressure. The aroma and the energy of the air were comforting and music lingered like heavy smoke. Before me were so many treasures, I admired the walls and shelves, the tables in the corner adorned with plants, gemstones, candles….the things that were important to this person who occupied this space.

The words “make yourself at home” fell from their lips. I hesitated…but the words were genuine. I continued to glance from place to place, my eyes indulging in the contents of the this space. Within minutes I removed my sandals, I couldn’t wear them any more. I needed to be grounded in the moment and all the moments to follow. I never went barefoot anywhere but home. And I was barefoot and I felt the earth..connected….I was grounded.

And then came the silver dish…full of gemstones. Many colors and textures. I asked if it was okay to touch the contents of the bowl. I turned them over and over, familiarizing myself with them. The energy, the place, the space, the human….and I was alive..finally …..and Life Begins Again.

Thank you Alyse for pushing, pulling, inspiring, breathing and walking with me. For wording with me!! For the encouragement and for helping me put that inner critic to sleep. Life feels good my friend and I miss writing with you.

Love and peace to you always ❤

And I tripped and fell in love….

This morning as I searched for words to feed my soul, I came across the sweet perfection of Joan Miro and her thoughts on two of my favorite things. Paint and words.

Her words tasted so sweet, filled the void and sparked a creative place I sought to satisfy. Twice in the last few days I have been diving deeply into my writing and lost what I was working on. I think that my words weren’t supposed to make it here…that I am capable of more, of something greater.

I have often entertained the idea of writing a piece based on a painting or painter I know, or even a friend who is a photographer and has captured something that sits with my soul. Something I can’t let go of. A story I need to tell or a poem that is seeking to escape the corridors of my mind.

Paint and poetry….black and white, full of brilliant color and life. I resonate with people I know who paint and who write. Art…it lights and fuels the creative fire. I think people light people up that way. Joan’s words sent me spinning…not able to think, see or do anything for some time after letting them settle in and absorbing the full-scale of what they created within my written mind.

I felt the love story of the Painter and the Poet, their love affair

The two people who create from damaged places and never cross paths

The two who find each other after many lifetimes of waiting and light the world on fire with their art and words

The mother and daughter….the times she cherishes that are no longer here. She holds those moments in her heart.

Friends who bond over rose tea and write about life and love

The way the paint feels on my skin and looks on my clothes when I am done

The words that tell a story. If I close my eyes I can remember the moment I picked up a brush and how it felt.

The words.

The.

Words.

THE WORDS.

The words….

I can tell you about the poem I wrote for him and how it will never mean as much to him as it does to me. The poem I wrote for two mothers, for a best friend, for a life that is no longer here, for a love that I crave….I can tell you the moments that led me to my words. How people lifted me up, destroyed me and taught me the most valuable lessons I have ever learned.

Can you paint me a picture? It will give life to my words.

Paint your life….Write your life…but more importantly love your life. Create your life. Whatever your modality is dive so deeply into it that when you surface you are satisfied in a way that fills you up so completely.

So there it is….my words

Peace for this Sunday in your life…and for every day ❤

 

And the reality of it is….

Life is ever-changing. Sometimes it is slow and steady, and sometimes it shakes the foundation of everything you know. Change…is constant and consistent even if we are unaware. Every. Single. Day.

I have learned a lot in life and not always in an easy manner. I have learned about forgiveness. Perhaps one of my greatest lessons is forgiveness. I have learned that when you pick someone up in their darkest hours it doesn’t mean that they will be there when you are merely treading water. Also that when you listen without judgement it wont necessarily be returned when you need it….not from where you thought it would.

Change…colors of leaves…thats what I think of first. Life is changing daily. New choices and decisions. New direction and roads.

The black pants and the white blouse? Hair up or down? Do people judge you because of your tattoos? Weird, random thoughts. Sometimes things just don’t make sense, and sometimes I know they aren’t supposed to.

A new day and a new page. Do you change the paper? Do you change the ink? Solid or lined? You just change.

And the reality of it is ….you go with the flow and learn to begin again. You learn to stop treading and start swimming again. To remember who you are and realize that you are a valuable human being.

And the reality is…you learn to forgive yourself for being hard on you.

Peace for your Saturday night and always.

Someone once asked….

And someone once asked her what she wanted…

She wanted to sit in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon and work on the book that she had written a million times in her mind. She wanted to feed her soul with the things she felt most connected to. Words.

Her friends painted and wrote, weaved and crafted treasures for little shops and big. They took pictures of objects and people who fed their souls. They healed their wounds by creating beautiful pieces and places in this life. They left their mark. Yes, she wanted to leave a mark in this life that had meaning.

What did she want? Peace, calm…steady, easy rhythm to life. Not a roller coaster and of ifs and maybes. She wanted certainty. She wanted rain, coffee shops and bookstores. Tea and rosemary, lavender and honey…random simplicities. Big coffee mugs and good people. She wants to listen and be heard, to lift people up and kneel down with…laugh, cry and live life with.

She learned about crows and eagles alone on a desolate road at 12:40 am on a Wednesday morning. She knew about darkness and diving into the depths of it and resurfacing with some clarity. She knew about sleeping and rising alone, and feeling connected and disconnected from life and people.

But it wasnt about what she knew, it was about what she wanted.

Love and happiness……pens and paper….paint and canvas.

Life.

Today she wanted life more than yesterday.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

What do you take for granted? And what part of your life do you repeat with the same results?

I have been thinking about this a lot over the last few days. What do we take for granted? Or who? What are we repeating so that nothing changes?? What is stagnant in your life?

For me it’s probably the time we think we have with people in our lives. Things change and with these changes comes perspective. Life isn’t forever and we seem to let so much slip by us and only give it a thought when we lose someone close to us. It is sad that it takes something of such permanence to make us appreciate what or who we had. To make us think a little more clear and honor ourselves, those around us and this glorious thing called life. When a life, relationship or friend ceases to exist that’s when we realize the importance of it. It’s not only about life and death…but life and loss. And love.

You may think that your loved one, friend, partner..spouse or however you want to define what you have, will always be there without hesitation. People need to know they are loved, appreciated and cared for. If you let time slip by you may not have the opportunity to let them know. Small, simple gestures, I have learned and experienced are the greatest. Reaching out periodically, because true ties surpass time and space. I am blessed to have many people in my life that I can pick right back up with without hesitation.

I have observed people who wont take chances or make changes necessary to move forward or make their experience better. The lonely and heartbroken who wont take a chance simply because they don’t want the same experience to be repeated. I think that risk is in order for them. That heartbreak or bad experience came with some good, there was a road taken to get there and it couldn’t have all been bad. Or maybe you chose to ignore the red flags, I know I have, I am more than sure we all have. It is said that the Universe gives you what you are ready for. So it is given, placed perfectly in your path and you choose what?? Fight it and push forward continuing the same existence or you open the door and allow it in? Everyone experiences pain…but in the same, they experience great happiness as well.

So,

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It. Will. Always. Stay. The. Same.

If. You. Don’t. Change. It.

Change is imminent. It comes right on time when we need it most. I think we are given what we are ready for. That it’s up to us to accept it and create something wonderful from it or at least take the risk to see whats possible.  I know personally I am always up for that risk. I will always love and forgive as much as I can. It doesn’t mean I need to continue or stay. It might even mean I love myself enough to take better care of me.  I have experienced people leaving too soon and not being able to say what I wanted too, friendships have ceased to exist or we outgrew each other and people have treated me shitty. I don’t return the favor because at some point in life, someone or some situations will give it right back to them. It’s not for us to be unkind or cruel because someone has treated us that way. Life will deal the hand accordingly, it’s better to be a bystander when this is the case, instead of a participant.

So this is life. Treat people the way you want to be treated and in return I hope what you give out is given back in great amounts.

Be kind. Be good. Be true. Be the best you that you can be.

Peace for your Tuesday night.

One more…..
What you take for granted…someone else is praying for ❤

Just Stop!

I sometimes write about things that hit me randomly and put them up on Instagram. The above is what happened a few days ago, when I only had minutes and words crept in. Sometimes people show up in your life, say something to you and you remember that you worthy and capable of so much more. And sometimes something about them lights a creative fire in your thoughts.

They remind you of what you want and more importantly who you are. I set aside needs, goals and desires to take care of others in my life. Sometimes I get so lost in caring for others I forget about me. Actually more than sometimes.

I think we run from what has hurt us in the past, thinking if we run fast and hard enough it will never happen again. So this made me think, am I so busy running that I am passing right by that which I seek?? Maybe I am so busy looking for what I don’t want that I am missing what I do want. Just because someone hurt you or something didn’t turn out right doesn’t mean it will happen again. So if you fear being hurt in a relationship or friendship because you have been betrayed and someone amazing comes along but you don’t even entertain the idea of allowing them in your life you may miss something wonderful. Think about the bad situations that you have been through. There had to have been some good there at some point. Typically these situations didn’t start out bad. You would have missed the good or even great moments if you hadn’t taken the risk. Just because someone doesn’t know how to love you or treat you, doesn’t mean there isn’t someone else who will. People are strange and most times don’t realize what they have until they have risked it in some way or until its completely taken from them. All the bad times or grief you have been through has made room for new people, experiences and opportunities, sometimes teaching us powerful lessons along the way. I say let people judge you and even reject you, not like we have a choice in that matter anyway. Learn from it and press on. They are showing you who they are and more importantly what you don’t deserve…they are making room for the new in your life. Clearing old stagnant situations, creating growth and room for whats to come.

So much has happened and changed in the last several years. Separation, divorce, decisions, let downs…I think those are the worst. The breaking of trust. The impact the treatment of others can have on your life, your mental and emotional well-being. People who I thought I knew, I didn’t. Hearts I thought were pure, were not. Character…..says a lot about a person. One of my favorite women comes to mind – Dr. Maya Angelou, “When people show you who they are, believe them”. I regret very few things in my life, my biggest is not honoring myself for many years. I was who I thought I should be, who I thought people wanted me to be. When I realized how detrimental this was to me and those around me it was a powerful, often trying, transformation in life.

I am here, whole, sometimes broken, but aren’t we all in some way? I do the best to be the best version of me. I still struggle with internalizing things, with judgement of others and how it affects me. I don’t open my mouth enough and take things personally that I shouldn’t. This is where that character thing comes into play..where they show you who they are.

Bottom line….Live the life you want, make decisions based on your happiness.

And once again…we pass by this way only once.

Peace for your Friday ❤

We. Are. All. Broken.

We. Are. All. Broken.

Broken crayons still color…..

How do you hold it in? Better yet…how much longer?

So, yes, broken crayons still color. I function on a daily basis, holding onto sadness, heartache and heart break. Even anger. Happiness too. I  seem to struggle more than not lately. I know its because of what I keep to myself. I never tell anyone everything, after all, who is that trust worthy??? Very few in your life, if you really dig deep, are that true and really want whats best for you. It would be nice if everyone had the same heart and honored the things that you do.

We. Are. All. Broken. 

I am a builder, creator by nature…it comes naturally and easily to strive for a better life. I am not motivated by money, but by love and happiness. People lack that these days….happiness. So many people never fill their cup…enough. I do not envy those who are in constant need of bigger, better and more. If you live a good life and you are a good person, what you need will come and very often in more ways than you can imagine. I believe in treating people well, not how they treat you, but how you would like to be treated. I love people, but that doesn’t mean that I need to interact with all of them. Be wise and careful with your energy. There are some that are miserable within and would like nothing more than for you to sink into that pit with them. Give yourself permission to walk away from that which no longer serves you. Those who do not appreciate you will when there is no longer a you to appreciate. There have been people in my life that so ignorantly wronged me and I moved on without hesitation or a look back….even to this day I do not understand people who think they can continue to try to be a part of your life after the hell they caused.

We. Are. All. Broken.

End game….what do you want? I want a happy life. I am sure people would be surprised at what that consists of for me.

I came and emptied my thoughts….brings a long overdue and temporary peace for now. I know I am not the only broken one……

We. Are. All. Broken.

Like attracts like…..I am attracting like right now and they are good humans..restores my faith in humanity and human kindness. Some broken crayons color the BEST!!!

We. Are. All. Broken.

Color your day beYOUtiful!!!

 

 

 

…see what shimmers within the storm

And so it is

After several weeks of chaos and sitting with overwhelming feelings of sadness and almost despair I have had a few epiphanies…I love that word. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

My happiness is dependent solely upon me. I cannot depend on anyone else to give me what I need. I also need to start taking caring of myself the way I take care of others. I give relentlessly to people in my life, but never treat myself as well. People will take from you without hesitation, a lesson I have learned well, and then begin to expect it. Two things are sitting with me….I need to build my own future and I need to work on creating the life that I love. No dependancy..not happiness or anything else on anyone. I am hopeful for many things in my life. If I put the positive thoughts out there I will achieve them….send them out into the Universe and they will return.

Its funny when I give to strangers it comes back to me amplified. This is not something I do with intention…I mean I don’t give to receive. I give because that’s who I am. I don’t like to see people go without. One of my favorite things is giving to people who don’t expect it. It seems like it’s appreciated more. Within hours or days, every time, in some way it’s returned to me.

Its time to rearrange my mind-set. To look out for me. I know not everyone has my best interests at heart…maybe none of my interests at heart. So I start taking care of me and let life take the lead. I’ll be happy on my own accord. I  read a quote from Abraham Hicks a few days ago and although I am not a follower it really resonated with me.

“When you believe something is hard, 

the Universe demonstrates the difficulty.

When you believe something is easy.

the Universe demonstrates ease.” 

~ Abraham Hicks~ 

 

When I left my house that day I smiled more at strangers and practiced more patience. I felt good for the first time in days and I felt better about everything. I felt like the old me with a little bit more of a tough exterior.  I believe that happiness is self-created and can be enhanced by others in our lives as well, but not necessarily. At the end of the day its a conscious choice. We may be hit with circumstances that test us but it is our choice how we react.

I have distanced myself from some people, which is required for my peace of mind. It doesn’t mean I need to cut them completely out, or that I don’t love them, I need to love me too and be more mindful of my boundaries. This makes me wonder how the people in my life would feel if I treated them as they treat me.  I am sure many would have moved along already.

I am glad in this day. My heart is good and my intentions are pure. Struggle is definite. Self-care, self-love and healing are imperative.

Happy Wednesday in your life…..

See what shimmers…..

 

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