Tag: kindness

…see what shimmers within the storm

And so it is

After several weeks of chaos and sitting with overwhelming feelings of sadness and almost despair I have had a few epiphanies…I love that word. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

My happiness is dependent solely upon me. I cannot depend on anyone else to give me what I need. I also need to start taking caring of myself the way I take care of others. I give relentlessly to people in my life, but never treat myself as well. People will take from you without hesitation, a lesson I have learned well, and then begin to expect it. Two things are sitting with me….I need to build my own future and I need to work on creating the life that I love. No dependancy..not happiness or anything else on anyone. I am hopeful for many things in my life. If I put the positive thoughts out there I will achieve them….send them out into the Universe and they will return.

Its funny when I give to strangers it comes back to me amplified. This is not something I do with intention…I mean I don’t give to receive. I give because that’s who I am. I don’t like to see people go without. One of my favorite things is giving to people who don’t expect it. It seems like it’s appreciated more. Within hours or days, every time, in some way it’s returned to me.

Its time to rearrange my mind-set. To look out for me. I know not everyone has my best interests at heart…maybe none of my interests at heart. So I start taking care of me and let life take the lead. I’ll be happy on my own accord. I  read a quote from Abraham Hicks a few days ago and although I am not a follower it really resonated with me.

“When you believe something is hard, 

the Universe demonstrates the difficulty.

When you believe something is easy.

the Universe demonstrates ease.” 

~ Abraham Hicks~ 

 

When I left my house that day I smiled more at strangers and practiced more patience. I felt good for the first time in days and I felt better about everything. I felt like the old me with a little bit more of a tough exterior.  I believe that happiness is self-created and can be enhanced by others in our lives as well, but not necessarily. At the end of the day its a conscious choice. We may be hit with circumstances that test us but it is our choice how we react.

I have distanced myself from some people, which is required for my peace of mind. It doesn’t mean I need to cut them completely out, or that I don’t love them, I need to love me too and be more mindful of my boundaries. This makes me wonder how the people in my life would feel if I treated them as they treat me.  I am sure many would have moved along already.

I am glad in this day. My heart is good and my intentions are pure. Struggle is definite. Self-care, self-love and healing are imperative.

Happy Wednesday in your life…..

See what shimmers…..

 

0

Be Gentle With Yourself…..

A small crack in life has turned into a gaping wound. I am tired and sad and it all feels irrevocable. Over the last several weeks I have had enough. My cup is finally empty and I am not even sure where to turn to replenish it. I know that I have learned that I can only count on myself at the end of the day. I have been observing as a participant for….well, for as long as I can remember but its amazing when you breakdown and really look at the whole picture from the inside and outside. Who do you count on? Me? I count on myself and lean on myself and sometimes it just sucks…no other way to say it. I am alone…I would say aren’t we all…but I don’t feel that way. I have so many things I want and they are so simple and I am just not sure how to get there….maybe by letting go of attachment to what I desire. I know that’s how it works, an incredible experience that I have repeatedly witnessed in my life.  It’s not even materialistic….unless you consider eventually buying a home. But I can do that on my own. Plan B….yep, I am my own plan B, hell, I am my own A as well. People can’t handle what they say they want….and rarely, if ever stay true to their word.  That is the experience in my life.

I have no room for anger at myself. How can you be angry when all you have done is give and do your best to make people happy or help out?  It’s never enough….never. And I AM responsible for my own needs and happiness…this I know. I am just so fucking tired and see no end or no way to fix what is. I try to read positive mantras and I can’t even get through them. Even words aren’t finding a way in….but I suppose being here they are finding a way out which is helpful. I am tired of putting on a smile when it’s not even genuine.

Fourth, fifth,…..eighteenth place….where do you fall in line with people in your life? It just doesn’t feel good not to care about much.

Two days later…

Here.

Here is sad and lonely.

I reach for any remnants of happiness. What is happiness? Is anyone ever really happy? And lonely…it is what it is. My life is not how I imagined it to be….are our lives ever  really the way they picture them to be? I need and I am alone. I have taken Facebook and messenger off of my phone. We spend too much time on social media and not being social with our own. What is that? What a fucked up place to be in. And its all negative bullshit now….political, about bad relationship choices or how do you know if he is lying or cheating or wants you….what kind of friend are you? Or messages from immature people and when you go to respond they…poof….disappear. So much shit in life….people fishing for attention when you want to yell GROW THE FUCK UP and be grateful for what you have. Damn, so many think its a dating site or lets say trolling site. People are never satisfied with what they have or just completely take it for granted.

Lets talk….

I broke yesterday….broke…broken…irreparable? Who fucking knows? I am sick inside. I have no one to blame but myself. Physically sick. All I need is a place to land right now…silence, kindness, peace and a kind heart that doesn’t judge, just gets it. Arms to crawl into and forget about what fills my space at this moment. Where? Imagine that….if you aren’t giving then you can’t get. I am angry and hurt. Fix it….yeah right. I am always the happy one who handles life and its challenges well….well, until I broke. No one wants to hear others “things” or they cant hear above their own. Thank the Universe for the one friend who understands and texts me the morning after to make sure I made it.

Mad? Fuck yeah!

Hateful? Today, yes.

Forgiving? Always

Lessons are always hard. Sometimes reality sucks and you need it to shake you to realize you are important.

I am very into intuition and listening for what I need….the only thing I can hear today is:

Be Gentle With Yourself

I am so hard on me. I have come to this understanding that the advice I would give my friend or friends is the advice I should take for myself…thats a hard pill to swallow. Right now in this moment I can only think that I need to be gentle with myself. I deserve good people, love and things in my life. I know I do….I just don’t know how to accept that I am deserving.

My anger and hate have subsided somewhat….I need to forgive myself for being so hard on me. I need to find gratitude in knowing I can be alone and take care of myself. In crawling into my bed alone when a lot of people in this world are suffering and would be grateful for the space I occupy.  I need to be grateful that people in my life show me my worth to them….even if it’s not pleasant.

Be Gentle With Yourself

Because after all…who better to treat you good than you.

 

0

Scratching the surface

Every morning when I wake up I lay in bed and think about things and people in my life. This mornings thoughts were about scratching the surface. How many people actually   scratch the surface of your life and really get to know you? We all have so many stories, desires, dreams, fantasies about the perfect life and scars that we carry with us. How many people have you allowed to scratch the surface? And how many people actually, really want to scratch the surface?

It seems these days everyone wants something or wants you to be something other than who you are. They don’t realize how hurtful the comments they make are. Making you feel like you are not enough…nor will you ever be. Wouldn’t it be nice to simply be loved and accepted for who you are? It seems as though it’s never enough. Never enough of anything.

Surface dwellers….they only want what they want to see or what they want you to be. Most people can’t accept people for who they are.

Recent comments have driven me to contemplate the surface dwellers in my life. Words can slice you to the bone and no matter what the scars never disappear. Forgive? Yes. Forget? Never….lessons.

*sometimes I randomly start entries and finish them at a later date..this is what happened (again) here. 

 

August 24, 2017

Surface dwellers and Seekers

Two vastly different types of people.  I wonder what other seekers think of the surface dwellers in their life. Seekers….hmmm that doesn’t seem to be the word I am looking for. You know the type…they show up authentic and genuine, lacking judgement and full of compassion and empathy. They are aware and awake. Not that surface dwellers cant posses some of these traits, it’s just different. One of the most amazing things to witness is watching someone come alive and experience life on an authentic level. Dare you scratch the surface? Yes, I guarantee if you are open and accepting what you find in another human will be no less than beautiful. We are all connected in some way. There are tiny threads between each of us that are similar in nature. We have all experienced great joy and great sadness somewhere in our timelines of life.

Scratch the surface, ask the questions, smile first, extend a hand…you may be amazed at the person you are met with. You may be amazed at how they impact your life. Some of my worst days have ended up being my very best. Be it a conversation with my best friend, a smile or kind comment to or from a complete stranger, hugging a stranger (yes, I do this). The people who I connect with restore my faith in humanity and humankind. I love knowing that they are out there…they are the gems in the treasure hunt of life.

Happy Thursday

3

Sense of self

There is something exhilarating about diving into the unknown. Who knows what tomorrow holds? We need to live in the moment. Dreaming in color….free falling into everything and nothing. Holding on for a while and letting go. The ground you are familiar with falls out from under you and before you know it you are alive again….dark moments fade, loneliness subsides slowly and you feel at home in your skin. I have spent countless nights alone so it’s not about being alone…but I was so lonely. I have familiarized myself with me again. Found my company enjoyable and complete. I write, I clean, I breathe and feel at home in my space. Safe from heartache for the time being. Safe from whatever lurks on the other side of my front door.

Its been a while since I have been myself, I traveled to a place of darkness and became someone I didn’t recognize. Here I am, breathing, not figuring it out, but letting it flow. Growth is powerful and lessons are necessary to realize who you are where you need to be. There is no control over what happens…it just happens. People you love hurt you and you learn what is acceptable and what isn’t. You grow wiser and stronger, you readjust your wings and begin again. A new direction, a new mindset, a brand new you.

To live a happy life….this is my desire. I have to be happy within myself before I can be happy anywhere else in life. I have to start to love me again….I know I am not unlovable although for a long time I felt that way. We are such harsh, judgmental beings when it comes to self. It’s so easy for me to love and forgive others to extremes, but when it comes to me…not so easy.

So here I am, another Thursday of my life. A good Thursday, appointments to be kept, calls to be returned and some me time.

I have a great sense of self….on this Thursday in my life.

2

The morning after

And I exhale. Its been a long few days. Things can change instantly….and they have. I spent last night purging/cleaning a major part of my life. Rearranging things and thinking about whats next.

I am clear in thought….I know what  I want and what I will strive for. I lost myself and my value by placing my happiness in someone else’s pocket for a while. Yes I emptied my cup taking care of others. I exhale….and know in my heart its time to replenish my cup.

I am thinking about a trip to see my family and friends for a long weekend. Maybe some lake time. I have neglected a very important person, myself. When you have to question your worth in someones life, you need to stop and question why you are in their life. To be a back burner is hurtful. So I know one thing for sure….I will never stop being me. I am a good ME….I will continue to seek the best in people even when they don’t see it in themselves. And to stop being kind…is that even possible?? Never….and so I press on.

Gym time….therapy. It feels good to push myself and challenge myself to be better and stronger. I am happy in this moment….I have made a new friend and mentor. She WRITES!!! She has ignited my creativity by showing up. I crave words and writing until the well is dry. This is my home. I have caught up with my WordPress friend and glad he is healing and finding his way. I have good women who surround me and lift me up, thats so important….I even have some very dear men in my life, who, although I cut out for a period of time, remain. Friends….I am humbled by them and will work hard to be a better friend.

Love….good love. Not so sure about it. Maybe someday, people truly can only love you as deeply as they love themselves and meet you the same….like the quote says.

I sit in silence in my home, in a sacred, safe space I have created. Its quiet, except the hum of the air conditioner. It’s a good day to begin again….

3

Relationship grief

I have recently been asked by a young fellow writer to write more about women and our emotions or what we crave, want, need or like in a relationship.

Today I choose relationship grief. I have spoken to several of my girlfriends and feel we as women grieve our relationships long before they are over. It could be from unkept words or lies, feeling less important or just…for lack of a better word, neglected.

I believe that women require more than men. I could be wrong, because as complicated as we are, so are they. They too, will not tell you their wants or needs in some situations and I believe that is because they feel less masculine. Men fear vulnerability…I believe greater than women. I think that some men will not show you their true emotions or vulnerability because in out society that is not approved of. Such bullshit. I like a man who can step to me with his wants and needs, what he requires as a human being and I will not call him on it or make him feel less.

A majority of the women I talk to need tenderness and understanding…definitely affection and also reassurance. When we feel that we are inadequate as partners we start the proverbial pull and the beginning of the grieving process. We will grieve the relationship long before its ever over….I think we hope that things will change and get better. So we keep moving forward in hopes that our words are heard and our sadness is felt. When we ask for something several times and it doesn’t happen it becomes less important to us. We are so busy tending to everyones needs that we put our own aside and hope that you will see what we need or even attempt to show some compassion. Compliment your partner….its important. No negative criticism….even joking, because when you are genuine we will not believe you. It will feel like a buffer to the comments that have already cut deep. Once you let the words go, it’s too late. So, please, think before you speak.

There will come a point, yes this has changed from women grieving to relationships in general, when there will be nothing that will take back the hurt and neglect. It will become expected and accepted until it’s just too much and your partner will no longer be phased by it. This is the very end of the grief process….where do you go from here. In my opinion there is nowhere to go. You can not go back to the people you were in the beginning, it doesn’t work like that. You can try to heal the damage that has been done, but it takes two to work at it. If only one is trying…there is nothing left.

Listen, spend time with, hold your partner, HEAR him/hear, really listen. When they say I would like to do this or that, make it a point to do that with them. It doesn’t have to be constant but it should be a spilt on doing things the other enjoys. Spend quiet time alone with them, comfort them, lift them up. I am by no means a relationship expert, but I was married for many years and also spent time in one way relationships….and so have the women I know. There is so much more….but I think that’s enough for today….

Watch for the light in their eyes…..you will know if the grieving process has begun. I wish for all of you loving, listening and compassionate partners…. treat yourself the way you would like to be treated. After all, before we can extend these to another we must treat ourselves the same.

Happy Monday…..the best is yet to come.

0

My Sisters

My sisters are amazing….I have more than I can count. I have gathered and collected them throughout the years. There was a period in my life that I did not trust women and would only allow the few that were already behind the wall of trust to stay. In the last several years I have made some amazing friendships and rekindled old ones. Its amazing when many years have passed and there are some friends that never stop being there.

I have worked on myself and damaged myself. It’s a vicious cycle. I tolerate inadequate treatment by so many people and hope for the good. There are still so many inconsiderate people in my life and you can bet I would be riddled with unkind words if I pulled the bullshit on them that they pull on me. One of my favorite things is when someone doesn’t acknowledge you….kidding about the favorite part, but it does show you where you stand with someone and exactly how much they care about you. Not very much in my opinion and I am not one of those who treat people as they treat me,  so to act like they do is not an option for me. I just know you can only hurt someone so much before they are desensitized to that behavior and it no longer matters.

My sisters…..good women. Women who listen and love regardless of the choices I make. They are beautiful and have incredible hearts. I hope that I am half the friend to them that they are to me.

Recently I was having a conversation with one of my favorite blonde counter parts and I said can you imagine how happy we would be if we took each others advice…now that’s funny.

I have sisters in so many states….sometimes my heart aches to be close to them. I miss them. Life happens and we live….keeping connected through heartstrings. I miss their faces, smiles and hugs. We laugh and cry together…I am grateful for them. I suppose I am lonely for them more so tonight….life is about changes. About making yourself happy. I know what their advice would be….and I know what mine would be. When you are in a situation and aren’t sure what you should do…I think you should step out and look in. So what would your advice be to your sisters or for men, your brothers? That’s the advice you should take for yourself. Sometimes you can’t fix broken….sometimes things continue to happen, people continue to treat you poorly and think you are not aware of it.  I wont go any deeper…I just know my sisters will lift me up when I fall. Where would we be without the support of those who love us? I will continue to take the risk and make new friends….I will continue to risk my heart in hopes that there is someone who can hold it the way it needs to be held and reciprocate the love I have to give.

This is for you, my sisters, I honor and love you. To our good times and bad, days filled with people and lonely times too. Without you I don’t know where I would be….

It’s time for change…..

0

And she came home….

On a plain piece of notebook paper…she came home.

She wrote all of her desires and needs to be cast into the great unknown on the night of the full moon

She never asked for much, very little in fact

A kind heart and hand

Someone to love and protect her….not hurt her

It seems for so long she attracted the self destructive people

the damaging, the abusive….

the irrevocably broken themselves

All she wanted was what she gave returned to her….

But she didn’t need to tell someone

She needed the someone to see her and know

So, tonight, on the night of the full moon when the energy was at its peak…

She asked for what she longed for…she asked for everything she knows she deserves

As she lit the flame and let it all go

She sensed peace within her soul

and sensed love of self

She needed to bestow the compassion on herself that she so easily gave away

She forgave her self for trusting too much, for trying too hard

She forgave herself for being way to hard on herself and letting others be hard on her

She came home to the woman…not the damaged little girl…

She was at ease in her own skin for the first time in a very long time

She came home

2

Day 250 ~ Self Talk

 

As I get ready, almost on a daily basis, I listen to something. Today I chose Tony Robbins: I am Not Your Guru. I know more about him in the last 30 minutes than I ever have, its enough to have caught my attention. I have no idea why I chose him, but I believe what we need comes right when we need it most. He picked a young woman out of the crowd and she began telling her story…at one point he said “Rejection breeds obsession”. And it was over, I was in. He also spoke about what I refer to as mantras. His was “I AM A FUCKING WARRIOR”. He said he would repeat it when he ran for an hour everyday and then after a period of time it was embedded in his mind. 

So its time again…to be mindful of how I speak to myself, to value my self more. I feel, sometimes like I am not good enough. A good enough parent, a good enough girlfriend, a good enough friend, not pretty enough, smart enough, not thin enough….the list is a mile long. I feel when people in my life look at me, they judge me and not in a positive light. I project my judgement of my self out into the Universe onto them….its almost like I ask them for this. I am so “obsessed” at making sure everyone is happy and taken care. This is part of my passion and purpose…to love and give in great lengths. I have been told by significant people in life that I give to everyone what I lacked in my life because I don’t ever want anyone to feel what I have felt. 

So I am going to back to my mantras when I work out or drive across town. They all begin with “I AM” and they are followed with the polarity of every thing negative I have felt or felt about my self. It will take time to correct the recent damage I have done with my words, but I know  that its possible…

 

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑