Tag: letting go

In between

I try so hard to keep my emotions in check. To let go of things and people that rob me of my peace and some days I am not so good at it.

So our life is changing, packing and packing…emptying rooms and the life I have created in the time since my divorce. My divorce, I haven’t written much publicly about that part of my life and don’t feel it is necessary for any type of healing. I don’t feel there is anything to heal. One thing my divorce taught me was to let go of the attachment to things that I held close and I felt were important. Family history, childhood memories, just parts of my history that were easily discarded by someone. The strange part is that I cant treat people the way they treat me, I am not sure what that is. Maybe I should take a lesson in being callous…..but thats just not who I am.

There are gifts, pictures, jewelry that I have discarded or given away, but they were mine to do so with. I felt like it was cleansing bad treatment and memories. I dont want reminders or energy carried forward into the new life we are creating.

So I dreamt of the past last night. Of how my things were destroyed, thrown away, how they didn’t matter. Parts of my family history that can never be replaced. So I had to have some time to sit with what I am feeling. I am getting rid of things, a life I built on my own in the last five years and its picking at old wounds. I feel a little displaced because we are in the “in between”.

Life is fragile. And temporary. And tender. And people can be so cruel.

Where is another box? And is that the pile that’s going to be donated?

And I push on…..

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Your power

My thoughts have been totally immersed in our individual power and what we give our attention to. I once knew someone who thought it was unusual that I could walk away from some so easily. If someone hurts you repeatedly, disrespects you, or just treats you like you are irrelevant, give yourself permission to walk away. That is the beginning to taking back your power.

I feel that if someone discounts you enough, hurts you, uses you…whatever you want to call it, it’s okay to cut ties with them. No matter the part they have played in your journey.

“The day I chose to stop speaking their name, was the day I took their power away and took mine back. The day I chose to not respond with anger, I found peace within”.

So I move forward, an occasional memory will come up, or something will trigger me but how I choose to react is just that, my choice. I can say it is not always the best way, but it is my way.

“And the day I chose to leave the past behind me was one of the healthiest and most relieving moments in my life. No more worries about being enough for anyone but myself. It’s not to say that leaving people behind isn’t painful, but sometimes its just the best thing for you.”

Those who truly know me, know that I hold painful emotions and memories in until something brings them to the surface and only then will I spill them….just enough to ease the discomfort my heart houses.

Recently I broke…I think, no, I know I house a lot of pain that I have not allowed to surface and it overflowed. Triggers pull those deep seeded emotions from some long ago corner I have shoved them into. I know that there have been times that I haven’t made good choices in my life, but I know I have never hurt anyone with intention and never will. I don’t regret my choices, they led me to here, but it is my choice if I choose to…

“I choose not relive times before now, times that weren’t so happy. I choose not to recall times before now too often and I refuse to speak names of those that made me feel any less.”

So my thoughts right now are be mindful of the words you speak to yourself and to others….be mindful of the people and memories you give your power to.

After all, it is your power ❤

Peace for your Saturday night….

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She’s Just Not a Keeper

Shes just not a keeper

of old cards

and notes

Or of trinkets

from the past

She lets go

and tucks away

the memories from a long time ago place

With only little recognition of a face

Shes just not a keeper of

tears and lies

Of sad excuses and black eyes

Of what if’s and goodbyes

Old pictures and songs

Mean very little

When they no longer belong

She’s just not a keeper

Of anger and hatred

Or cruel intentions 

In fact she’s just not a keeper 

of honorable mentions 

Shes just not a keeper of inconsistency

Nor of others who hurt people willfully

Of those who don’t know how to be friends 

Or shallow people who cant make amends

And in the end

She’s just not a keeper of bad things at all

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Life

The house is still and quiet this evening which allows me time to sift through the many thoughts and emotions that have been surfacing over the last few weeks. My partner is at work and my first senses were the way his shirt smelled when he left this afternoon. The smile I am greeted with on an almost daily basis and sweet kisses after a brief absence or when we are parting.

Music filters through his space, which he has so freely given me to write in this evening. Its comforting to know I sit where he sits, I see what he see’s, but more over to just feel his presence in this space.

I have no particular direction in which to write tonight, usually I have something that is weighing on me that needs to come to life…thats it Life.

Life is so fragile….so precious and happens so quickly.

“The currency of life is not money but time and love. Remember time is finite, but you are blessed with infinite love” ~Debasish Mridha

Over the last week or so I have been reminded of how precious our time here is. The children that lost their father in the middle of his life. The young woman and her brother who just lost their mother. I think of people who I hold close…the mother who lost her daughters, his Dad, a best friend who was able to stay a year longer than he was given, her Dad, his Mom, my Aunt and Uncle. We waste so much of our time holding grudges and hating. Forgetting that this is time and life that we are robbed of on our own accord. I know it may sound cold, but I have found that it is easier to walk away from those that have hurt you rather than stay connected and continuously suffer because of them. You will empty your own cup by continuously giving to others. Love and respect yourself enough to let go.

Life waits for no one…..

Figuring shit out

Peace for your Sunday evening

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Settle in

So, settle in my love

into your heart

and into your skin

Sometimes its you

and only you

and that’s okay

and you will stumble

and fall

and rise

again

So settle into your bones

and into your truth

It’s okay to hang on

and to let go

you have realized

when everything was gone

so were they

and they will miss whats to come

because you’ve saved the best

for last

So settle in

life is fragile

and so is  love

know that times change

and people go

and we grow

So, my love, settle in

to your life

because it’s just beginning

 

 

 

 

 

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If you only knew

She hides more than you know and listens more than she speaks

This is where she learns who you are and your intentions

Your eyes cut up and to the left….what lie have you told?

You can’t hold her gaze for long

You think that everything is hidden well, well it’s not

Lean in, lean on, let go

Dragging down into a dark tunnel …….

She waits because in the end your intentions show through

Twisted tales of time and people, places and gaps

She has been watching too many too long to let it slip by

And you may be proud of what you think is hidden

And your good intentions aren’t

so good

And so she knows

And she grows

And she waits…

Time is shifting and changing

She will go

and then you will know

And you will wait

and she will not

for fate to drop

the reality of it

was all for naught

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Energy and its flow….

Good Tuesday Morning

Its only 8 am and I have accomplished quite a bit this morning. It feels good. Knowing feels good too.

So this morning I have thought a lot about energy. The energy that exists in relationships and material objects from the past. Every so often I like to purge my home of objects that house energy, negative or otherwise. Sometimes its just best to let go. There is a quote out there about what you give your energy or thoughts to, negative or positive and be careful what you feed.

I have been feeding a lot of negative thoughts recently and I have become someone I don’t know very well. I have also been blessed with some amazing opportunities recently. Life is about balance, isn’t it?? I know that I am deserving of the good that has recently came into my life. The opportunity to spend time with some amazing women who share the love of writing with me and I am sure share some threads of similarity in the scars we have.

I purged some yesterday….Its freeing really. It says to me “those thoughts or memories that are attached to you (the item) do not control me and will no longer affect my thought process”.  I don’t replace anything I purge and it gives me strength to let go.

My home is starting to feel good again…there are a few more things that need to be boxed and put in the garage until I figure what to do with them…no tears, only gratitude for the lessons the people connected to them gave me.

To better days and nights ahead….

More smiles and less tears

More love and less anger

To the good things in life

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Woven webs, come in…come in

Let me spin it for you…

Come in, come in

Sit a spell

Have some tea…

I am weaving webs…

Twisted corners

paralyzed eyes

Where have you been my friend

I have waited

baited

you knocked upon my door

I will take away your problems

I will take away your pain

We’ll play a seductive little game

Come in, come in

I will cover you

in transparent

translucent security

silence the demons

that reside within your mind

Come in….

Come in….

 

 

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In between

One winter day she woke up….

and she let go.

As she exhaled for the last time, she dove into the darkness of the abyss

When she came up for air

she stepped through the door

The grass greener than she could have ever imagined

The fragrance of the flowers like nothing in the space before

The sun felt warm and new…like nothing she had ever felt

The smile that crossed her face felt like the first time she really knew happiness

There were no sounds that compared to what she was hearing here in this space

No words, no one else, no one more

The trees towered higher than anything she could have imagined…

As she laid down in the meadow, she never dreamed that when she closed here eyes

She would wake up here….

again

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