Tag: lonely

Someone once asked….

And someone once asked her what she wanted…

She wanted to sit in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon and work on the book that she had written a million times in her mind. She wanted to feed her soul with the things she felt most connected to. Words.

Her friends painted and wrote, weaved and crafted treasures for little shops and big. They took pictures of objects and people who fed their souls. They healed their wounds by creating beautiful pieces and places in this life. They left their mark. Yes, she wanted to leave a mark in this life that had meaning.

What did she want? Peace, calm…steady, easy rhythm to life. Not a roller coaster and of ifs and maybes. She wanted certainty. She wanted rain, coffee shops and bookstores. Tea and rosemary, lavender and honey…random simplicities. Big coffee mugs and good people. She wants to listen and be heard, to lift people up and kneel down with…laugh, cry and live life with.

She learned about crows and eagles alone on a desolate road at 12:40 am on a Wednesday morning. She knew about darkness and diving into the depths of it and resurfacing with some clarity. She knew about sleeping and rising alone, and feeling connected and disconnected from life and people.

But it wasnt about what she knew, it was about what she wanted.

Love and happiness……pens and paper….paint and canvas.

Life.

Today she wanted life more than yesterday.

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Love. Alone. Lonely.

I knew for days what my next post would be about….about love.

That all changed…..a few words and actions and that shit isn’t as important as it once was. So here I am on a Friday night lost in thought and drifting in a river of words. Maybe this should be about love….is there such a thing as good love? Does it matter?

Yes, it’s about love

If you would have asked me months ago what love would feel like, I was so sure it would be earth-shaking, weak in the knees, breathless love. Then a few days ago I thought, thought, that maybe love was easy and silent and slipped in when you least expected it, from someone you never imagined loving or loving you. Maybe it was the quiet storm that crept up on you and grew daily. I am not so sure…..I LOVE YOU and LOVE YOU. Is there a difference? I have heard there is. I love you….for your partner, the one your heart loves, Love you….a friend or a buddy. Someone you hang out with, pass time with, but you aren’t really in love with.

And then there is never enough…what happens when you know that you are never enough for someone? You Are Never Really Enough..then what?? Where do you go with that? When you ache for words…kind words, not cutting remarks or negative jabs. When you ache for a little something kind and affectionate….an extended hug or glance that’s more than…just more.

Alone and lonely…big difference. You can come home alone, to an empty house, or you can eat alone, shop alone, go out alone or stay in alone. Lonely….it happens everywhere. In a room full of people. Next to someone you think cares. Across the table from your family, shopping, going out or staying in lonely.

Yes, happiness is temporary and fleeting….Love, what is that? The purest form is for my daughter. Beyond that? What is love?

Enough for tonight….

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This morning….

I woke to dreams of oversized shirts

and good coffee

Of a man that’s not here

I woke to a cold

quiet

house

Where nothing echoes in the hall

No footsteps coming up the

stairs

No freshly pressed

love

It’s the same as it was yesterday

and the day before

Loneliness is periodic insanity

Every now and then

someone

somewhere

will make an appearance in my space

to

say hello

or check

for breath or life

and then its back to the reality of

one

 

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Soulfood Sunday

I write a lot other than here….tattered pages of old notebooks, even post its in the bathroom while I am getting ready. I have some things taped to the inside of my medicine cabinet and read them often. I think the one that gets me most simply says “Who Am I?”. It’s enough to stop me in my routine and make me question who I AM.

For the last two days I have been home…I am usually on the road or across town at my person’s house. Yesterday I had really good intentions of putting my Christmas tree up…no, not intentions. I was in good spirits until I actually got the tree out, easy part, then those damn lights did it for me. That and the fact that it reminded me that I have always put the lights on alone. A task I dread. I love decorating the tree itself and I am a self-proclaimed ornament addict. I have no problem admitting it. It started when I had my daughter. Every year (she is 18 now) since she was born I have bought her one or three ornaments, written the date on the bottom and placed them in the spot on the tree they pick. I had to stop and go buy new lights…really? I just bought the ones I have last year. Whatever!!

Well our tree made it up last night. I even stopped at Pier One and picked up some new ornaments. I need more….I really do…Oh and candy canes!!

So back to feeding my soul…yes, I am everywhere all at once.

I spent the evening putting more ornaments on the tree, cooked a Salmon burger and settled into my living room for the second time in more months than I can remember. I rented The Shallows….not too bad and hung out with my uppy (yes, thats my dog and yes, I spelled it uppy). I was a little lonely but in no frame of mind to be good company to anyone..even myself. I am grateful for so much, but we all have our moments. Mine was last night and even this morning. I was lonely. I got up around 5 and had coffee and trolled social media for a while. I think its time for a break from Facebook….the political hate is overwhelming and sometimes its hard to watch your friends be negative about life on a daily basis. I decided that bed was a good place to be and slept for a while before waking up to a horrific nightmare about my Mom. I don’t write my dreams any more, it seems like when I do they always come. Not this one…..

So here I am….I grocery shopped this morning and came home with flowers and ingredients to bake. I am making a pot of vegetable soup and the peanut butter cookies just came out of the oven. White Chocolate Macadamia Nut cookies are next. I even made a dry drink mix my daughter loves in the winter called Wassel.

Up next….maybe I will paint. This is the only way I know how to replenish my soul…I dont like putting my worries or troubles upon others, so in this time it easier to be alone.

So this is my Soulfood Sunday….I hope all of you are warm and safe wherever you are and most importantly …I hope you are feeding your soul…

Peace for now

1

Him…..

This day…..

She seeks solace in their bathtub

Candles flicker and shadows dance across the wall

The house is silent

She dries off and slips into the bed they share

She misses him, but knows he will be next to her soon

She falls asleep under the sheets waiting for him

Her back is exposed as well as one leg

The room is cool and

The sun is setting

The room is harmonic hues of soft light

Vanilla falls from her skin and dances across the room

He can smell the scent of her as soon as his keys hit the door

He can taste her kisses which seek only to please him

and he searches for her

He can feel her softness before he finds her

Her dark hair falls across the pillows in soft curls

And he sees her

No one really ever has

He traces her spine with his fingertips

Her breathing is steady and soft

He leans in and tenderly places a kiss behind her ear

She has waited for him…..

(Tequila infused writing, for me,  is writing from a raw layer of what you desire and how wonderful it could be…welcome to my nights)

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You forgot….

We slept late

and rose separately

I made the bed….and breakfast

I washed the dishes

and a few thoughts away

Went about the day

As I shopped, I lingered longer than necessary

admiring

love and affection between the couple in front of me in line

the smile on the young womans face who helped me

I walked through the outdoor mall

without direction

exchanged pleasant conversation with several people

And as I finished at the market

I sat in the car for some time

reading inspirational words

searching…..

After an afternoon of errands

and periodic sadness

I put my head on my pillow and it was then

I realized you forgot

to kiss me goodnight

 

 

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Woven webs, come in…come in

Let me spin it for you…

Come in, come in

Sit a spell

Have some tea…

I am weaving webs…

Twisted corners

paralyzed eyes

Where have you been my friend

I have waited

baited

you knocked upon my door

I will take away your problems

I will take away your pain

We’ll play a seductive little game

Come in, come in

I will cover you

in transparent

translucent security

silence the demons

that reside within your mind

Come in….

Come in….

 

 

2

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