How is that dish best served?

I wrote this last year, the exact date is unimportant. I am clearing space for a new life and stumbled across these words this evening…it says a lot about my frame of mind then. About the place I came from and the circle I had at that time…..

Sometimes I can hardly breathe for the thoughts running through my mind. This morning I struggle with self value, my worth. I know that I am worthy of good things in life, but sometimes they are so hard to accept. Love and kindness from others are  sometimes the hardest gifts to receive.

We compare ourselves to others. To what and who we hear about the most. At least this is my experience. I have to write to think this through. My emotions are unsettled, the dust has been stirred. I think this is a natural state when you step into a newness so rare that it feels like a language you have never spoken.

Life has been pretty hard sometimes. From friendships to relationships. Everyone has always wanted something…everyone. Everyone. So when someone comes and asks or expects nothing except what you are willing to give…meaning if you show kindness and love this is only what is expected in return. When you can give exactly what you expect and it is returned, that is a true gift.

Sometimes I have to…no, all the time I have to walk through and feel all the layers of emotions that are emerging. The love, sadness, disappointments..I have to let each emotion rise, feel my way around it…through it and inhale as I surface with it and release it. 

Slow realization that we deserve more, better, something greater than every thing you have ever had. No more fractures, no more bruises, tears, let downs. No cheating. No more wondering who else has been or is a part of the relationship. No more watching someone while they watch someone else. No more hate, no more pain. Just no more. I released it all, refused to carry anyones baggage.

Life is different now….for me life is so different now. Many months have passed since this was written, written in the beginning of a brand new. A brand new that was terrifying because it was everything I had asked for and wanted. Consistency. Stability. Honesty. Trust. Truth. Love. Friendship. And so much more. A Brand New.

So I wonder “How is that dish best served?”

Peace ❤

Paper boxes

Paper boxes and brown paper

Pieces to a life

Marked with contents

and stacked neatly in the garage

What if life were so simple

Categorized, organized, compartmentalized

A little lip plush on a Saturday evening for some self care

Present

Paper boxes and brown paper

A tiny silver jewelry box from my Mother with red velvet interior

I can remember it from forever ago

We heal in between, those are words I found

I am in between for now…

and maybe touching memories and filling paper boxes is where I heal

for now

I let go of so much in recent months

Things I thought I needed

or maybe even wanted at some point

Nineteen year old stuff and two year old stuff

Shedding layers of life gone by

Life that was once carried in

Paper boxes and wrapped in brown paper

The fabric of life

I am standing in front of your side of the closet, delicately touching each shirt as I go. I know the feel of what I am looking for. And there it is, my favorite shirt of yours. You smile when I find you in the kitchen and there we were……

Sometimes it’s hard for me to share some of the layers of my life with you, not that they are a secret, but because they are reminder of the tenderness that still remains. I had been trying to tell you for some time and finally found the words, or my voice in Saturday’s morning hours.

For many, instead of dealing with pain, it is easier to bury than acknowledge. So it is buried. Some people never touch it again and some people have no choice in order to heal. I uncovered it and worked on it, through it and beyond it. I learned some valuable lessons in the process. Allowing the poor behavior of others to back step my healing process once again. Another lesson in the book of life. I was finally getting it.

I know now that the lessons I received were to remind me of who I am and my strength. But most importantly to know exactly what I deserve in this life.

I have always carefully thought through my actions and words towards others. “How would I react?” “Are my actions considerate?” “Are my words kind?” “How would I feel?”. I believe where I come from, the things I have experienced throughout life, made me more mindful of others and their feelings. I have experienced situations where someone has subjected me to harsh words and actions and then wondered why I lashed out in anger or eventually just walked away from them.

My favorite shirt, because it feels of you, the way you calm me and the way you stir me. You make me sure of myself and of you. You are the quiet comfort in the middle of the night and the sweet sunlight that floods the morning. You get it where others don’t, the same as I do you.

So I have come to realize that we all heal in our own time. We all heal differently. Even though some have done the self-work and have been on the path of healing, it doesn’t mean that the tender layers, in the core, don’t exist. It may just means we can touch them some days more than others. Some bury the past better than others, and some dont. I always think about the saying “you never know what someone is going through”, and we really dont.

So this is the fabric of life….

My favorite shirt of yours… because of our lessons and continuous growth. The patient people we are with each other and the impatient people we are with ourselves. The worn and tattered layers we came together with and the threads we are weaving together now to create the fabric of this life. Our new life.

Peace for your Sunday ❤

Mornings like this

My first conscious thought is of you laying next to me. My senses come alive and my eyes adjust to the morning light. I cant recall my soul feeling such deep peace.

I make my way down the hall, check the time and find the most recent book you have given me. Man’s Search For Meaning. You just seem to know what I like and what will speak to me. Yesterday when I read through the prologue I found words that spoke to me.

“Frankl saw three possible sources for meaning: in work (doing something significant), in love (caring for another person), and in courage during difficult times. ~ Harold S. Kushner

I sink into my space and into my book, sometimes reading the words twice because it is so hard to imagine one human being treating another the way they did in the concentration camps.

I hear you move and I know that our morning has arrived. I try to contain my excitement that you are up and I have probably thought of a million things to tell you in the last hour. I make coffee and make my way to you. You and I both have things to do today but you find the moments I ask for and sink into our space with me. I put my head on your shoulder and listen to you speak. I can only see the bottom portion of your face. I watch your mouth move, notice your profile and think about how much I love you and how grateful I am for mornings like this.

We move through the morning. I shower and you move about the house completing the tasks you have set before you.

At the kitchen window I think about unconditional love and how I feel it now. I always thought it never existed. My thoughts….It’s you. It’s small moments and mornings like this that I am grateful for. They make me aware of how blessed I am to share this part of my life with you. I know that we are not perfect, but yet we are in our own way.

Its mornings like this when I know that I have everything I need.

Her voice

A long thin ring

and she answers

there is the voice she has heard

for as long as she can remember

and there is this day

She listens as she shares her day

sometimes

she shares it more than once

but thats how it is now

and she detects what some don’t

and the woman tells her

she feels like she belongs

nowhere

and she tells her she loves her

and understands

and they exchange a little more

and a little less

until she cant breathe

and they go

and she knows

she loves

the comfort of her voice

Something like that…

Like liquid smoke flowing through the air

Like a dim lit room and a gentleman with a drink

Like a clear, dark night full of stars

A perfect peach on a hot summer day

Laying under a large oak, on a blanket of plush green grass

Like the last sigh before the deepest sleep

Or five pillows on a bed dressed in white

A variation of music filling the air

Or the smell of rain

Or the look in your eyes when you look at me

Or the look in mine when I look back

Like the hours that pass until I see you again

Or perhaps its the way I fall in love with you daily

Yes, something Like that

Broken people….

We talk about people who hurt people, sometimes…

I have been thinking a lot about broken people today. Left unhealed or unwilling to do self-work and practice self love, they continue to break others. I know many women and men who have been broken and have given up on the thought of finding someone they can love and will love them in return.

Before I really got to know my life partner, a young woman I know spoke powerful words to me. She said “you will meet someone someday who wont need you to fix them and they wont want to fix you”. Our conversation continued about fixing other people and about the broken continuing to break people. I often think about the men and women who treat each other poorly and my first thought is….”how would you feel if this was done to your child, family member or friend?”. So the partner cheats, would you want your son or daughter to experience the heartache of someone she loves treating him or her this way?

There are so many broken people in this world and they continue to break the innocent because in some warped sense they justify their actions. I have said it before and it just came to mind again, “If you wouldn’t like it or want it done to you, DON’T DO IT!”.

Acceptance….Risk….Happiness

Acceptance…….In order to accept others I think we need to truly accept ourselves, all of our darkness and all of our light. We need to look back at the past and take the lessons that have been presented and move forward with that knowledge. Every obstacle and triumph will teach you something if you are willing to look. Someone will treat you like you are irrelevant and unloved only to show you what you really deserve, someone will treat you like you are not intelligent because they are intimidated by your knowledge. Someone may hold you down until you have no choice but to come up for air, fighting for yourself. We are all human and all worthy of valuable, healthy relationships with people who appreciate us.

Risk….Without risk there will be no reward. Even though you have been hurt, betrayed or broken, however you want to define it, you must find the strength to move beyond it. Self-care. There was a time I painted, or created in some way, my steadfast method of self-care takes the form of writing. It always has and will always be where I find the medicine of life that heals me. Replenishes the layers that have been peeled away. There was a time I sat for hours tying Mala’s (prayer beads). Seems interesting now to realize I was healing while tying prayer beads, but for a time thats where I found peace. I think we need to find an outlet and in it we will find the inner peace that was interrupted by circumstances within and beyond our control. Once I felt like I had time to process and decompress from life’s little messes I was able to consider risking again. I made new friends, after losing trust in old ones, I dated again…after, well, just after. That was risk-taking again to me. Finding strength to trust others in the aftermath of so much pain.

Happiness……Finally. I have been presented with a tremendous amount of happiness. For the first time I really feel like I am living the life I deserve. I never really felt like I deserved good things, I am not sure why. I just felt like I didn’t. I have a lot of good now….just incredibly good. All the bad situations laid ground work and taught me important lessons. I really appreciate the sweetness of life. Unhealed people taught me how they can and will break you, because that is all they know. I think these lessons, however painful, are important. I have learned how to let go, how to risk, and how to trust again. I know how to love and I now know what it feels like to be loved for who I am.

Someday, if you experience broken people, you need to find the strength to try again after you have taken care of yourself. Meet your needs, put yourself first, discover who you are, and find inner peace. You will find them, your people, the ones who know what it feels like to be broken and who would never inflict the pain they have felt on another. You will find people who you can trust, who you can love and love in return, who wont hurt you. And most importantly, wont bleed on you.

Peace in your Saturday evening…..

My wish for you….

Over the last few days words keep coming to the surface and I think of things I want to write about. As we approach another new year all I could think of was people in my life or people that I have connected with on some level and what I wish for them. So this is my list:

My wish for you is that…..

  • You realize that you are stronger than you think and capable of incredible things
  • You never accept less than you deserve and never let anyone treat you poorly
  • You will always know contentment and a deep inner peace
  • You know my love is unconditional, steadfast, and true
  • You listen to the quiet inner voice that guides you
  • Your children realize what a good woman you are, how much you do for them, and that they are more patient with you
  • You NEVER let anything hold you back
  • You realize not all men/women are bad, and that sometimes extraordinary hellos can come after really hard goodbyes
  • You start treating people better and learn to make meaningful connections
  • Your heart heals
  • You find what you are looking for
  • You understand the pain you cause others, and that its no longer okay or acceptable
  • You value yourself
  • You love yourself
  • Small things in life are meaningful, these are the true gifts
  • You know what it feels like to be loved completely
  • You stop waiting for someday, its up to you to reach for what you want and more so what you deserve
  • You know that there are two sides to every story, and that some people aren’t as bad as you have been told

Just a few random wishes for some people I know….

Otherwise my wish for you is….a life you love, full of contentment and happiness.

Peace for your Tuesday evening ❤

Reflections……

Sunday evening….

Sunday evening is my time to reflect on the last few days of life.

I quietly started reflecting on my drive home on Saturday evening. The conversations with the man I have fallen in love with. The dinner party I had just left with a girlfriend I hadn’t seen in more than a year. The proverbial list I had made in my head of what we needed as I headed up the hill towards the market, asking you if we needed anything. Your response bringing a sweet smile across my face. Noticing there is a Target not too far from his home and making the mental note that if I need anything I know where to go. I am learning his surroundings. Just feeling life. The air. The music. Glancing at the clock and thinking 3 more hours until you make your way home. Everything feeling familiar, but yet brand new.

Tonight I am pondering the past, anger and the many thoughts that seem to connect to those emotions. I am not holding on to anything, no what if’s for me. I love my life completely. I just think about people and how they treat others. How vindictive some are, cold and thoughtless and wonder how human beings can treat each other so terribly. I have always walked away from hard situations in my life without a thought of hatred or retaliation, dealing with my emotions in my own way. I do believe that time heals all. Had I not traveled the rough roads I would not be who I am and very possibly not grateful for what I have. I have no room in my heart for hate or anger and I have many reasons I could carry those emotions. Yes, there are people, places and times I let go of. I had to for my own well being. I can’t hate, but I let go and heal.

Reflecting….

We have deep conversations about the stars, life, our families and things we love. It’s hard to remain present sometimes when I am so excited about the future. The holidays, blending our own traditions with new ones that we create. The trips coming up. The bookstore, the cactus garden or dinner at one of the places we love. You make it so easy to love you. Standing in the kitchen in our spots for hours talking about things no one would understand. Words. I hang onto them and yours are so good.

Sunday….

The drive across town this evening, more mental notes. I need to call my Mom, check in, still checking in at my age? So funny. My girl, so proud of the young woman she has become. I run into my two of my girlfriends at the market, quick, excited catch ups. Groceries, laundry and of course words. I need them like air.

Thoughts….

Life is short. Love hard. Treat them as you would want to be treated. Be kind. If you find yourself in a hard situation step outside for a moment and think of the advice you would give your child, family member or friend and apply that to yourself.

Love yourself.

BE KIND ALWAYS!

If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it to someone else!!!

You can let people know how you feel in a kind way and if it doesn’t change WALK AWAY, silently, with your dignity intact.

ABOVE ALL LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU DESERVE

Peace for your Sunday ❤

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑