In between

I try so hard to keep my emotions in check. To let go of things and people that rob me of my peace and some days I am not so good at it.

So our life is changing, packing and packing…emptying rooms and the life I have created in the time since my divorce. My divorce, I haven’t written much publicly about that part of my life and don’t feel it is necessary for any type of healing. I don’t feel there is anything to heal. One thing my divorce taught me was to let go of the attachment to things that I held close and I felt were important. Family history, childhood memories, just parts of my history that were easily discarded by someone. The strange part is that I cant treat people the way they treat me, I am not sure what that is. Maybe I should take a lesson in being callous…..but thats just not who I am.

There are gifts, pictures, jewelry that I have discarded or given away, but they were mine to do so with. I felt like it was cleansing bad treatment and memories. I dont want reminders or energy carried forward into the new life we are creating.

So I dreamt of the past last night. Of how my things were destroyed, thrown away, how they didn’t matter. Parts of my family history that can never be replaced. So I had to have some time to sit with what I am feeling. I am getting rid of things, a life I built on my own in the last five years and its picking at old wounds. I feel a little displaced because we are in the “in between”.

Life is fragile. And temporary. And tender. And people can be so cruel.

Where is another box? And is that the pile that’s going to be donated?

And I push on…..

Paper boxes

Paper boxes and brown paper

Pieces to a life

Marked with contents

and stacked neatly in the garage

What if life were so simple

Categorized, organized, compartmentalized

A little lip plush on a Saturday evening for some self care

Present

Paper boxes and brown paper

A tiny silver jewelry box from my Mother with red velvet interior

I can remember it from forever ago

We heal in between, those are words I found

I am in between for now…

and maybe touching memories and filling paper boxes is where I heal

for now

I let go of so much in recent months

Things I thought I needed

or maybe even wanted at some point

Nineteen year old stuff and two year old stuff

Shedding layers of life gone by

Life that was once carried in

Paper boxes and wrapped in brown paper

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