Sunday afternoon and I have contemplated this post all day and if it even existed.
Today is another day for me, nothing special, just a day. I woke up and looked through social media and every post is about Fathers and how wonderful they are. I cannot relate to one…not one single post. Those of us who had unhappy childhoods will not relate to those of you who knew or had a constant father in your life.
My biological father was never a part of my life in any way. I am grateful that my sister has not posted about her wonderful father today. When I first met her, and I love her beyond anything, she told me what a wonderful man he was. (I only found my sister 7 years ago and a DNA test confirmed we share a father) He was always helping other children or coaching children’s sports. It was not intentional, but it hurt. This wonderful man never looked for me, never cared how I grew up or with who. I was irrevocably damaged by my step fathers. It is a wonder that I even try to love or trust at all? Or that I still walk this earth? Yes….I forgive and try again….WHY? Gluten for punishment? Or that’s just what most men do, so its a normal thing in my life. I am tired….of giving and trying to right wrongs that are not mine to right.
I slept horribly and got up early. Made it to the gym and here I am….I am exhausted from all of it. It’s not only about him….its about a lot of things in my life. Today, this morning, he was the driving force in my unhappiness. I am grateful for the people in my life, the good things, my daughter….I know if my life would have been any different I wouldn’t have what I have now….even though it’s not all good, there is a lot of good. He missed out on me and my girl. Would he have been proud? It doesn’t really matter….that gives him more power than he even deserves. Some days I don’t think of him at all….some days I am still pissed off at him and some days I pity him. The man who couldn’t face all of his actions (I have another half-brother, 12 years older than me, that is the result of one of his affairs)….he gets power only today when I am angry at him. Tomorrow I will start anew and leave him in the back of my mind until another day.
Happy Father’s Day to all of the MEN who truly are Fathers and to the men who do everything to be involved in their child or children’s lives. Its your day…to the good men.