There you stand spitting lies


making women cry

With your sweet eyes

bullshit stories

and no goodbyes


twisted tales

and spinning game

Man, take a look in the mirror

can’t you see your lame?


With one thing on your mind

end game……to get laid

you rely on looks

and sweet words

Yea…man….”calling a spade a spade”

Yea…..some things never change….

(When things come to me, something in my life has inspired them…and the words come spilling forth…I thought for some time there was more to this…that I needed to add to it. Well, sitting here at 1:30 in the morning,  I realized there isn’t any more….it just is.)



Day 278…my random day

Tuesday..October 4th…the 278th day of the year

After a semi crazy morning and coming out of a sad place over the last few days, today has been pretty good so far. I waited and worked a little, time killin…and waited some more.

You call me every morning….you are the beginning and ending of my every day. My constant and I love you. We chatted, you made sure I was okay, and I am. Someday, maybe, I can tell you why I struggle the way I do. Maybe, someday, you will understand. I can’t talk to you the way “we” talk to each other here…people would think I hate you. You, my darkness, are my amazing man. Are you still talking??

I took my Mom, who just turned 88 last month, to have an MRI. Our relationship has not always been easy. She made a lot of choices during my childhood that had some horrible effects on me that I still struggle with at 46. It is what it is and we have done the best to paste together a Mother-Daughter relationship in the last 3 years. So as I was a frazzled mess of “I have to go here, and there, do this and that” she looked at me with my hair a tied up mess and told me how beautiful I was this morning. Out of the blue…she took me by surprise. When I feel like this and she see’s me…wait…she “SEE’S” me.  I do love her, bad decisions/choices and all. I used to think I would be okay when her time here was done..I wont. She has shared more with me in my journey of healing about her life and I can now understand why she is the way she is. The damage that was done to her by her family and the damage that continued with me. Women are vicious sometimes and I don’t understand why. My Mom hasn’t had the best girl friends in her life…but I dont think she really knew how. I believe it starts within. I love the women in my life and I have some bat shit crazy friends (those are some of the best). Bipolar, manic, menopause, ADD…you name it…they are my tribe. Any way, this morning, my Mom , in her words told me she loved me and thought I was pretty. A rarity, a gift. I am glad for the days we can be Mother and Daughter and I truly grateful for the days we can be girlfriends.

Here’s to tough family relations…sometimes, sometimes we can come out the other side better ❤

(this is my favorite picture of my Mom at 19 at my Granparents farmhouse in rural Ohio)


Loving her wont be easy….but it will be worth it.
She darts from remnants of the night with a familiar ache in her soul. She has never been so balanced and grounded in her life and fear creeps in. No one stays and everyone hurts…familiar patterns in her life.
She knows she has to face these ghosts now or they will haunt her days.
So if you choose to stay, loving her wont be easy, but it will be worth it.
She will touch you with hands that know how to be gentle, because she has been abused. She will be completely loyal to you in every way, because she knows what its like to be cheated on and betrayed. You will be supported and appreciated because she knows what its like to be non-existent.
I can’t promise that every day with her will be sunshine…she will need you to weather some of her storms with her now and then. They pale in comparison to the to the raging hurricanes she has survived at the hands of the ones before you.
So, if you choose to stay, loving her wont be easy, but it will be worth it.
Remember, she is human, she is tender and every now and then she needs to know that she matters to you. Appreciate her, touch her….let her know she is important. Small things matter the most to a woman who has never had a solid man.
So, if you choose to stay, loving her wont be easy, but it will be worth it.

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