48 hours ago

 

48 hours ago

I touched some old wounds

I remembered how hurt I’ve been

I felt the tears well

And the pain come up

Never enough

Or

Somehow too much

48 hours ago

I allowed myself a few tears

12 hours later a few more

And again this evening

I seek meaning

I teeter for hours

And moments

And a few days

48 hours ago

I was reminded how much I’ve endured

How many times I set myself aside

And all the hurt feelings I held in

48 hours ago I embraced the woman I am and the knowledge that I will never change

But yet….

I’m so different from 48 hours ago

Someone once asked….

And someone once asked her what she wanted…

She wanted to sit in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon and work on the book that she had written a million times in her mind. She wanted to feed her soul with the things she felt most connected to. Words.

Her friends painted and wrote, weaved and crafted treasures for little shops and big. They took pictures of objects and people who fed their souls. They healed their wounds by creating beautiful pieces and places in this life. They left their mark. Yes, she wanted to leave a mark in this life that had meaning.

What did she want? Peace, calm…steady, easy rhythm to life. Not a roller coaster and of ifs and maybes. She wanted certainty. She wanted rain, coffee shops and bookstores. Tea and rosemary, lavender and honey…random simplicities. Big coffee mugs and good people. She wants to listen and be heard, to lift people up and kneel down with…laugh, cry and live life with.

She learned about crows and eagles alone on a desolate road at 12:40 am on a Wednesday morning. She knew about darkness and diving into the depths of it and resurfacing with some clarity. She knew about sleeping and rising alone, and feeling connected and disconnected from life and people.

But it wasnt about what she knew, it was about what she wanted.

Love and happiness……pens and paper….paint and canvas.

Life.

Today she wanted life more than yesterday.

Fathers Day

Sunday afternoon and I have contemplated this post all day and if it even existed.

Today is another day for me, nothing special, just a day. I woke up and looked through social media and every post is about Fathers and how wonderful they are. I cannot relate to one…not one single post. Those of us who had unhappy childhoods will not relate to those of you who knew or had a constant father in your life.

My biological father was never a part of my life in any way. I am grateful that my sister has not posted about her wonderful father today. When I first met her, and I love her beyond anything, she told me what a wonderful man he was. (I only found my sister 7 years ago and a DNA test confirmed we share a father)  He was always helping other children or coaching children’s sports. It was not intentional, but it hurt. This wonderful man never looked for me, never cared how I grew up or with who. I was irrevocably damaged by my step fathers. It is a wonder that I even try to love or trust at all? Or that I still walk this earth?  Yes….I forgive and try again….WHY? Gluten for punishment? Or that’s just what most men do, so its a normal thing in my life. I am tired….of giving and trying to right wrongs that are not mine to right.

I slept horribly and got up early. Made it to the gym and here I am….I am exhausted from all of it. It’s not only about him….its about a lot of things in my life. Today, this morning, he was the driving force in my unhappiness. I am grateful for the people in my life, the good things, my daughter….I know if my life would have been any different I wouldn’t have what I have now….even though it’s not all good, there is a lot of good. He missed out on me and my girl. Would he have been proud? It doesn’t really matter….that gives him more power than he even deserves. Some days I don’t think of him at all….some days I am still pissed off at him and some days I pity him. The man who couldn’t face all of his actions (I have another half-brother, 12 years older than me, that is the result of one of his affairs)….he gets power only today when I am angry at him. Tomorrow I will start anew and leave him in the back of my mind until another day.

Happy Father’s Day to all of the MEN who truly are Fathers and to the men who do everything to be involved in their child or children’s lives. Its your day…to the good men.

 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑