Your power

My thoughts have been totally immersed in our individual power and what we give our attention to. I once knew someone who thought it was unusual that I could walk away from some so easily. If someone hurts you repeatedly, disrespects you, or just treats you like you are irrelevant, give yourself permission to walk away. That is the beginning to taking back your power.

I feel that if someone discounts you enough, hurts you, uses you…whatever you want to call it, it’s okay to cut ties with them. No matter the part they have played in your journey.

“The day I chose to stop speaking their name, was the day I took their power away and took mine back. The day I chose to not respond with anger, I found peace within”.

So I move forward, an occasional memory will come up, or something will trigger me but how I choose to react is just that, my choice. I can say it is not always the best way, but it is my way.

“And the day I chose to leave the past behind me was one of the healthiest and most relieving moments in my life. No more worries about being enough for anyone but myself. It’s not to say that leaving people behind isn’t painful, but sometimes its just the best thing for you.”

Those who truly know me, know that I hold painful emotions and memories in until something brings them to the surface and only then will I spill them….just enough to ease the discomfort my heart houses.

Recently I broke…I think, no, I know I house a lot of pain that I have not allowed to surface and it overflowed. Triggers pull those deep seeded emotions from some long ago corner I have shoved them into. I know that there have been times that I haven’t made good choices in my life, but I know I have never hurt anyone with intention and never will. I don’t regret my choices, they led me to here, but it is my choice if I choose to…

“I choose not relive times before now, times that weren’t so happy. I choose not to recall times before now too often and I refuse to speak names of those that made me feel any less.”

So my thoughts right now are be mindful of the words you speak to yourself and to others….be mindful of the people and memories you give your power to.

After all, it is your power ❤

Peace for your Saturday night….

March 10, 2019 0

48 hours ago

I touched some old wounds

I remembered how hurt I’ve been

I felt the tears well

And the pain come up

Never enough

Somehow too much

48 hours ago

I allowed myself a few tears

12 hours later a few more

And again this evening

I seek meaning

I teeter for hours

And moments

And a few days

48 hours ago

I was reminded how much I’ve endured

How many times I set myself aside

And all the hurt feelings I held in

48 hours ago I embraced the woman I am and the knowledge that I will never change

But yet….

I’m so different from 48 hours ago

October 16, 2018 0

Someone once asked….

And someone once asked her what she wanted…

She wanted to sit in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon and work on the book that she had written a million times in her mind. She wanted to feed her soul with the things she felt most connected to. Words.

Her friends painted and wrote, weaved and crafted treasures for little shops and big. They took pictures of objects and people who fed their souls. They healed their wounds by creating beautiful pieces and places in this life. They left their mark. Yes, she wanted to leave a mark in this life that had meaning.

What did she want? Peace, calm…steady, easy rhythm to life. Not a roller coaster and of ifs and maybes. She wanted certainty. She wanted rain, coffee shops and bookstores. Tea and rosemary, lavender and honey…random simplicities. Big coffee mugs and good people. She wants to listen and be heard, to lift people up and kneel down with…laugh, cry and live life with.

She learned about crows and eagles alone on a desolate road at 12:40 am on a Wednesday morning. She knew about darkness and diving into the depths of it and resurfacing with some clarity. She knew about sleeping and rising alone, and feeling connected and disconnected from life and people.

But it wasnt about what she knew, it was about what she wanted.

Love and happiness……pens and paper….paint and canvas.

Life.

Today she wanted life more than yesterday.

March 15, 2018 1

Fathers Day

Sunday afternoon and I have contemplated this post all day and if it even existed.

Today is another day for me, nothing special, just a day. I woke up and looked through social media and every post is about Fathers and how wonderful they are. I cannot relate to one…not one single post. Those of us who had unhappy childhoods will not relate to those of you who knew or had a constant father in your life.

My biological father was never a part of my life in any way. I am grateful that my sister has not posted about her wonderful father today. When I first met her, and I love her beyond anything, she told me what a wonderful man he was. (I only found my sister 7 years ago and a DNA test confirmed we share a father) He was always helping other children or coaching children’s sports. It was not intentional, but it hurt. This wonderful man never looked for me, never cared how I grew up or with who. I was irrevocably damaged by my step fathers. It is a wonder that I even try to love or trust at all? Or that I still walk this earth? Yes….I forgive and try again….WHY? Gluten for punishment? Or that’s just what most men do, so its a normal thing in my life. I am tired….of giving and trying to right wrongs that are not mine to right.

I slept horribly and got up early. Made it to the gym and here I am….I am exhausted from all of it. It’s not only about him….its about a lot of things in my life. Today, this morning, he was the driving force in my unhappiness. I am grateful for the people in my life, the good things, my daughter….I know if my life would have been any different I wouldn’t have what I have now….even though it’s not all good, there is a lot of good. He missed out on me and my girl. Would he have been proud? It doesn’t really matter….that gives him more power than he even deserves. Some days I don’t think of him at all….some days I am still pissed off at him and some days I pity him. The man who couldn’t face all of his actions (I have another half-brother, 12 years older than me, that is the result of one of his affairs)….he gets power only today when I am angry at him. Tomorrow I will start anew and leave him in the back of my mind until another day.

Happy Father’s Day to all of the MEN who truly are Fathers and to the men who do everything to be involved in their child or children’s lives. Its your day…to the good men.

June 19, 2017 0