Sunday evening…..

A long drive home, plenty of time to get lost in thought. Cooking for a few days ahead, laundry, the Bird, the Win and the Tunes. The air filters on and off as the scent of the night linger. The neighbors grilling and their children playing, the family on the other side play catch with their dogs. These are the sounds of my night.

A long drive home, the to do list, the chuck it list and the sweet thoughts about the weekend. You took me to the ballet and I fell in love. So beautiful and heartbreaking. Yes, please, again and a again. In our good clothes we end up in a neighborhood bar, watching the game, enjoying our own company and singing now and then. Everyone falls away and its only you and I.

The contrast of our life….sleep ins, but what about those 6 am mornings? Its been a while, but they are so good. Soft rains and sitting outside, I am sure it was around 3 am. And I am sure I wouldn’t want to be your neighbors. This is what middle of life looks like. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Routine and not so much…sgood (yes, sgood).

So Sunday night. Highs and lows. Feeling my feelings, which I am convinced no one could completely, ever understand. The intuition that kicks in, the words people speak that hurt and the actions they show which do the same. I am observant, a lot more than people give me credit for.

The pineapple mango candle that fills the living room was a gift from a strong woman I admire that I don’t see any more, but think of more than she knows. Permanently stiched in the threads of my heart.

And Theresa, my Idaho Theresa, I hold her heart in my hands, always.

Life is short and should be well lived. I don’t hold fast to the past or the people who damaged pages of my story. I don’t “what if”, because quite honestly there isn’t anything worth “what if’ing”. I love my life in the now.

Instead I have been reminded recently of how short life is. How temporary and fleeting. I think of the quote that carries the words “finite and fragile”, life and love relate to those words for me. We should love while we can. We are not promised….anything. There isn’t a too fast or too slow, we do what is right for us. This is more than the half way point, the rest will be the best. If you can’t feel that, can you feel?

So these are just a few pieces of my extravagant life I choose to share. The human, the moments, breathing, sitting in gratitude for what I have and where I have been. For wisdom. For life.

For all of it.

This is my Sunday evening…..

 

Peace for your Sunday evening….and every day ❤

And then you found me…

On a humid summer day

We showed up

We threw the boundaries out the window

and had lunch

She’s 20

and I broke the coffee rule

We walked and talked

And it felt comfortable and right

Do you want to see me again?

I do

and I still do, again and again

And lunch

and lunch

and another

And dinner…

And many more of each

Mornings, evenings and nights

Our bubble

Planting the garden

and weeding it

Smiling with our hearts

and eyes

The pot of gold

and your boys

When you are so happy you cry

And when so good,

feels so right

You

and I

and You and I

and now

We

What do you speak into the Universe?

So last November, sitting at a light on Desert Inn and Cimarron I spoke the words “I am ready for change, whatever you give me I am ready for”. By February of this year I wasn’t ready but my words came to light. I believe more than ever that what we speak into the Universe will manifest in our lives. I have been more careful lately and so much more specific. So things changed drastically and quickly. It took some time to adjust to this new life that I asked for. And I wonder why I wasn’t more specific now…. and I know it’s because I wasn’t supposed to be…Every thing is falling into place. Better roads have been placing themselves before me. I observe and pay attention now. What is meant to be is coming together.

Fast forward to last Friday morning, it’s after 1 am and I driving home (damn Desert Inn), I did it again. I was more specific this time. Details….I spoke the fine details of what desire into life. I believe there is a higher power that listens when we speak, regardless of our belief system there are greater forces preparing for what is to come next for us.

And then everything changed yesterday…a simple, subtle change. Checking myself at 5:27 pm “remember what you asked for?”. I do. So now it’s placed before me and it will change a lot, if I allow it. I asked for it, I was specific. It has been constant in my thoughts since then. I take a breath and exhale…..these words come to mind

Permanence in a temporary world

I am not sure where this is really meant to go…I just know I come here to think and heal. Tonight its to contemplate what is placed before me. To feel my way through this, to explore my emotions. I have never been this specific…its time, I know, for a change. Its time to take care of me. To stop coming in last with certain people in my life.

What do you speak into the Universe? Are you specific?

I think I am being shown that what I want is possible, its my choice. It’s up to me. The Universe is conspiring to help me achieve it.

Peace for your Sunday evening ❤

Her list

She made a list once

Of the things that needed to be taken care of

When she wasn’t here any more

Who to call

and contact

and lean on

All the information needed

in the finality of life

And then she learned

about another lady who made a list

Much like hers

And she realized that it was

not the time for her list

So she tucked it away

Hoping and knowing

time heals

and mends

and changes

and sometimes it’s not good

to make lists like hers

 

 

And the reality of it is….

Life is ever-changing. Sometimes it is slow and steady, and sometimes it shakes the foundation of everything you know. Change…is constant and consistent even if we are unaware. Every. Single. Day.

I have learned a lot in life and not always in an easy manner. I have learned about forgiveness. Perhaps one of my greatest lessons is forgiveness. I have learned that when you pick someone up in their darkest hours it doesn’t mean that they will be there when you are merely treading water. Also that when you listen without judgement it wont necessarily be returned when you need it….not from where you thought it would.

Change…colors of leaves…thats what I think of first. Life is changing daily. New choices and decisions. New direction and roads.

The black pants and the white blouse? Hair up or down? Do people judge you because of your tattoos? Weird, random thoughts. Sometimes things just don’t make sense, and sometimes I know they aren’t supposed to.

A new day and a new page. Do you change the paper? Do you change the ink? Solid or lined? You just change.

And the reality of it is ….you go with the flow and learn to begin again. You learn to stop treading and start swimming again. To remember who you are and realize that you are a valuable human being.

And the reality is…you learn to forgive yourself for being hard on you.

Peace for your Saturday night and always.

Will and Determination

Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough

~ Og Mandino~

I have been wanting to write about people who inspire me for some time. Often times I do without using names, although they know who they are.

Many times when we are alone with our thoughts, it is detrimental to our well-being and lately this has been the case for me. So I have chosen to share an article about someone who inspires me when I feel I have no will.

I have always admired various people in life for their artistic abilities and I believe that we are all artists in our own way.  I can also appreciate the various forms of creative outlets that people seek. Many of us have suffered some sort of trauma in our lives,  physical, emotional, sexual, grief, loss or some sort of tragedy in general. Some of the most creative people I know have also been some of the most traumatized.

In 2015 I opened my account on Instagram….I began following, liking, observing and connecting with various people. Two of my friends have these eyes that present me with the ability to see life through their (camera) lenses and find beauty where many don’t…and so my love for the different layers of life intensified.

Graffiti. Street Art. Writers. Writers….words. Beautiful and colorful. Dark and deep. Bold, hard edges, soft, rounded corners…Words. People, faces, places and names of present and past. Writers…street art…or as I like think of them poets of paint..”poets of paint”.

The first time I can really remember words saving me I was 12. I started writing poetry or expressive essays ( as I learned from my friend Alyse to call them) and have written to heal parts of my life since. I think I was attracted to street art because of the lettering and the expression behind it. I knew it came from someone who had been through something…we all have a common thread somewhere in life.

I have followed many different artists over the last couple of years and this is how I came to admire one man, Benny Diar. When I think about will and determination…he, hands down, comes to mind. I cannot tell his story, you will have to read it for yourself, but I am sure you will find his thirst for life and art contagious. He has overcome obstacles and odds to do things many of us take for granted on a daily basis and he continues to be an inspiration to many.

So…will and determination…will make you survive and thrive. It “will” make you live when you think you can’t and it will drive to you to be the best you can under different circumstances that life presents you.

I hope that you find something inspirational or useful from here this evening….I have read and heard it many, many time…..”There is always, always something to be grateful for”.

 

Peace for your Friday and in your life

*used with permission of Benny Diar

 

Someone once asked….

And someone once asked her what she wanted…

She wanted to sit in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon and work on the book that she had written a million times in her mind. She wanted to feed her soul with the things she felt most connected to. Words.

Her friends painted and wrote, weaved and crafted treasures for little shops and big. They took pictures of objects and people who fed their souls. They healed their wounds by creating beautiful pieces and places in this life. They left their mark. Yes, she wanted to leave a mark in this life that had meaning.

What did she want? Peace, calm…steady, easy rhythm to life. Not a roller coaster and of ifs and maybes. She wanted certainty. She wanted rain, coffee shops and bookstores. Tea and rosemary, lavender and honey…random simplicities. Big coffee mugs and good people. She wants to listen and be heard, to lift people up and kneel down with…laugh, cry and live life with.

She learned about crows and eagles alone on a desolate road at 12:40 am on a Wednesday morning. She knew about darkness and diving into the depths of it and resurfacing with some clarity. She knew about sleeping and rising alone, and feeling connected and disconnected from life and people.

But it wasnt about what she knew, it was about what she wanted.

Love and happiness……pens and paper….paint and canvas.

Life.

Today she wanted life more than yesterday.

And I miss you

Settled in for the night…

Long day, long few days. My mind drifts to you, and I miss you. Your words,  wisdom and synchronistic poems that had more meaning for our lives than others could understand. Pulling cards and writing our hearts out, laughter and tears and vulnerability….but wait..safety and comfort too. And I miss you ❤

I have hardly written at all…too much to say and overwhelmed with thoughts. I applied for jobs and caught up on emails and so here I am, settled in with my girl and our animals. There was popcorn and coconut oil in the pantry and truffle salt in the cabinet. So I made popcorn like you make and we are here and you are there and I miss writing with you more than you know.  An almost finished letter sits on my desk…so maybe tomorrow….

Here is to writing and women….and circles

New beginnings and scary endings

And true friendships and rain

And now

 

Peace in your life and for your Thursday

My journey is my own

My journey is my own. The road I travel is the road I choose…whether it is full of bumps or smooth, it always has something to teach me.

I learn from people all the time…from every exchange there is something to take away. My friend taught me a while ago to “take what you need and leave the rest”. So I went away for a few days, got comfortable and uncomfortable in my own skin and learned a lot. I make my decisions and it is up to me to make myself and my happiness a priority. Sometimes quiet moments alone are exactly what the soul needs in order to heal and find comfort. Mmmmm comfort in your own presence…feels good to think about it. Going to sleep early and waking before dawn..these moments are good moments from my weekend.

My journey is my own and I AM responsible for my happiness.

I have a greater appreciation for people in my life. Even if I don’t see them for long periods and maybe if we don’t speak, if it’s a true connection, it remains. I am grateful for the experiences I had over the weekend and I am more driven than ever to achieve the second of two goals I set last year. So I set the intention and will start working on accomplishing that goal, we will see what comes next.

My journey is my own and I AM responsible for my happiness.

Stuff is stuff….and really not that important. When someone is more concerned with stuff than seeing or hearing from you, it speaks volumes. So that shows you your place in their life and where you stand. It’s up to you if you choose to settle for it. Almost all “stuff” (material items…not personal items) is replaceable. People are not. We need to appreciate those people before they fade from our lives, sometimes you can’t go back or pick up where you left off.

My journey is my own and I AM responsible for my happiness.

Change….I definitely believe that when you get uncomfortable and are forced to make a change it is for the best. I had to figure a few things out this weekend, on my own. It felt liberating and refreshing….”you are in control of your happiness”.

My journey is my own and I AM responsible for my happiness.

Friends….old and new. My friends….I have incredible, meaningful friendships that I treasure. We can long periods without seeing each other and sometimes without speaking to each other and we don’t miss a beat. People you can confide in, without hesitation, who dont judge you, are the best people. They listen with an open heart and advise if you are open to it. Childhood friends, new friends and old friends are good friends.

My journey is my own and I AM responsible for my happiness.

And then there is the realization that life is entirely too short. Five people have passed from November to January…..and things like this make you realize how truly precious life is. Life happens and life waits for no one…I have heard both of these various times over the years and they resonate with me now more than ever. Young, old, healthy and sick….and the moments can come and go that quickly. So what is important? Material stuff? The car you drive? The house? The clothes? Moments…..irreplaceable moments with people you love, these are important.. There is a lot more…but in the end, when the day is done and the sun sets its moments, easy, loving, quiet, even spectacular moments that feed us. Regrets…missed opportunities or risks we didn’t take…LIFE. WAITS. FOR. NO. ONE. Those are the words that come to mind. I wont wait any more ….more of everything.

My journey is my own and I AM responsible for my happiness. 

I lost a fair amount of this piece in the process of uploading it. The point is choose your own path, not the path others would like you to take or that benefits them. The people who you have meaningful connections with will meet you on your journey and encourage you. The rest will fall away. Make choices based on what makes you happy, cherish the people and moments in life…they happen once.

Always remember..your journey is your own ❤

Peace for your Monday night

 

 

 

 

 

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