Tag: present

Time

4:30 am ……already?

4:44 am ….makeup

They bark at something outside and he comes to the door to check on me before he goes back to bed with you

5:38 am… I think about the things I need to accomplish before I leave

6:03 am…I call my Mom

6:15 am…I am at my desk, I need coffee and to put my things away

6:29 am…I think about the 31 minutes I have before the space is full and the energy shifts

8:17 am….I wonder if my girl is up…what day is it? Does she work today?

9:48 am ….I wonder what people fear

10:23 am… I glance at the phone to see if you are up yet.

Waves of emotions….random thoughts and the tasks at hand

12:10 pm …lunch now, or later?…yes, later

What to do with the hour I have. Saving, so I stay in and sit with my friend. She shares her space with me so I get a full lunch hour instead of working through. Periodic conversation about life and work.

1:45 pm… thats all??

2:00 pm…I didn’t even look at the moon last night

4:45 pm ….15 minutes to go

8:33 pm….and you call

10:23 pm…. 6 hours and 7 mins of sleep if I go now

3:03 am, really?

4:30 am ……again….already

The randomness of life and my thoughts that go with it….

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Flaw..less

I have been thinking about flaws a lot recently. About people who point them out and how we feel when that happens. I think at some point in life we have all felt like we weren’t enough, we didn’t belong or that we weren’t wanted simply because of someone pointing out our flaws.

I always think before I speak, because of the way I have been spoken to you, The same with my actions, I stop and consider how that would feel if it was happening to me. This is the place in life I practice the pause the most.

Who are we to judge someone….anyone? What are flaws? Inadequacies? Who is someone to judge us by what they think is good enough or not?

Yes, I think this has been heavy recently.

So what if…

You don’t dress the way they think you should

You listen to music they don’t like

You laugh too loud

Or cry too much

or feel too deeply

Or work too hard with deep passion, even if its not ideal for some

We are all enough, flaws and all. We must learn this first. We must learn to accept and love ourselves wholly, which is not easy and not always a conscious thought. Your flaws are what make you perfect and at some point you will come across people who accept you…flaws and all. They will love the way you laugh and care.The way you accept people as they are, the way you love and what you stand for, Once you accept that being who you are is who you are meant to be…..you will realize that you are beautifully flawed.

And so its Saturday ❤

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One year ago

Watching you from the kitchen while I wait for the coffee to finish and I drop into a moment from a year ago.

One year ago I had very little direction, something I wasn’t used to. My future seemed very unclear. The job I had disappeared and I faced a lot of uncertainties. I applied and applied. I was consumed with searching for work. It was the first time in many, many years that I had nowhere to go and no where to be.

You pass by the window where I am sitting and I think about what triggered me to come to this moment and space. It is how I feel and see myself now. And of course the way you see me, the way you love me and the random kiss in line at the store.

One year ago I never thought the life I live now was even possible. I look at my picture and I am not even the same person I was then. I was unhappy and trying to figure it out.

With the reassurance from friends, long time and recent. I picked up and filled my days with work, the gym and what little life I held together. Not really living, but existing.

I know now more than ever that I am a survivor and I have strength that a few never gave me credit for.

There was a particular conversation where I was told, “I promise you something better will be on the other side of this”. Those words will stay with me for the rest of my days and I pass them on when I can.

So the other side of this was certainty, stability, a job I love, a man who I love more and more every day. A quiet, easy balance to life that I have never felt before.

Sometimes we stay up too late and sleep in

And sometimes we talk a lot or not at all, but there is always, always something to say or share

We drive to Boulder City for breakfast and it doesn’t work out

But we are so present, in everything

So when you stuck your head in the back door I had already dropped into the moment of gratitude for the life I have now and the life I have with you.

So this life is a better life than one year ago…

Always remember that whatever struggles you experience in your life something better will be on the other side of them ….


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Sunday evening…..

A long drive home, plenty of time to get lost in thought. Cooking for a few days ahead, laundry, the Bird, the Win and the Tunes. The air filters on and off as the scent of the night linger. The neighbors grilling and their children playing, the family on the other side play catch with their dogs. These are the sounds of my night.

A long drive home, the to do list, the chuck it list and the sweet thoughts about the weekend. You took me to the ballet and I fell in love. So beautiful and heartbreaking. Yes, please, again and a again. In our good clothes we end up in a neighborhood bar, watching the game, enjoying our own company and singing now and then. Everyone falls away and its only you and I.

The contrast of our life….sleep ins, but what about those 6 am mornings? Its been a while, but they are so good. Soft rains and sitting outside, I am sure it was around 3 am. And I am sure I wouldn’t want to be your neighbors. This is what middle of life looks like. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Routine and not so much…sgood (yes, sgood).

So Sunday night. Highs and lows. Feeling my feelings, which I am convinced no one could completely, ever understand. The intuition that kicks in, the words people speak that hurt and the actions they show which do the same. I am observant, a lot more than people give me credit for.

The pineapple mango candle that fills the living room was a gift from a strong woman I admire that I don’t see any more, but think of more than she knows. Permanently stiched in the threads of my heart.

And Theresa, my Idaho Theresa, I hold her heart in my hands, always.

Life is short and should be well lived. I don’t hold fast to the past or the people who damaged pages of my story. I don’t “what if”, because quite honestly there isn’t anything worth “what if’ing”. I love my life in the now.

Instead I have been reminded recently of how short life is. How temporary and fleeting. I think of the quote that carries the words “finite and fragile”, life and love relate to those words for me. We should love while we can. We are not promised….anything. There isn’t a too fast or too slow, we do what is right for us. This is more than the half way point, the rest will be the best. If you can’t feel that, can you feel?

So these are just a few pieces of my extravagant life I choose to share. The human, the moments, breathing, sitting in gratitude for what I have and where I have been. For wisdom. For life.

For all of it.

This is my Sunday evening…..

 

Peace for your Sunday evening….and every day ❤

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And then you found me…

On a humid summer day

We showed up

We threw the boundaries out the window

and had lunch

She’s 20

and I broke the coffee rule

We walked and talked

And it felt comfortable and right

Do you want to see me again?

I do

and I still do, again and again

And lunch

and lunch

and another

And dinner…

And many more of each

Mornings, evenings and nights

Our bubble

Planting the garden

and weeding it

Smiling with our hearts

and eyes

The pot of gold

and your boys

When you are so happy you cry

And when so good,

feels so right

You

and I

and You and I

and now

We

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What do you speak into the Universe?

So last November, sitting at a light on Desert Inn and Cimarron I spoke the words “I am ready for change, whatever you give me I am ready for”. By February of this year I wasn’t ready but my words came to light. I believe more than ever that what we speak into the Universe will manifest in our lives. I have been more careful lately and so much more specific. So things changed drastically and quickly. It took some time to adjust to this new life that I asked for. And I wonder why I wasn’t more specific now…. and I know it’s because I wasn’t supposed to be…Every thing is falling into place. Better roads have been placing themselves before me. I observe and pay attention now. What is meant to be is coming together.

Fast forward to last Friday morning, it’s after 1 am and I driving home (damn Desert Inn), I did it again. I was more specific this time. Details….I spoke the fine details of what desire into life. I believe there is a higher power that listens when we speak, regardless of our belief system there are greater forces preparing for what is to come next for us.

And then everything changed yesterday…a simple, subtle change. Checking myself at 5:27 pm “remember what you asked for?”. I do. So now it’s placed before me and it will change a lot, if I allow it. I asked for it, I was specific. It has been constant in my thoughts since then. I take a breath and exhale…..these words come to mind

Permanence in a temporary world

I am not sure where this is really meant to go…I just know I come here to think and heal. Tonight its to contemplate what is placed before me. To feel my way through this, to explore my emotions. I have never been this specific…its time, I know, for a change. Its time to take care of me. To stop coming in last with certain people in my life.

What do you speak into the Universe? Are you specific?

I think I am being shown that what I want is possible, its my choice. It’s up to me. The Universe is conspiring to help me achieve it.

Peace for your Sunday evening ❤

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Her list

She made a list once

Of the things that needed to be taken care of

When she wasn’t here any more

Who to call

and contact

and lean on

All the information needed

in the finality of life

And then she learned

about another lady who made a list

Much like hers

And she realized that it was

not the time for her list

So she tucked it away

Hoping and knowing

time heals

and mends

and changes

and sometimes it’s not good

to make lists like hers

 

 

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And the reality of it is….

Life is ever-changing. Sometimes it is slow and steady, and sometimes it shakes the foundation of everything you know. Change…is constant and consistent even if we are unaware. Every. Single. Day.

I have learned a lot in life and not always in an easy manner. I have learned about forgiveness. Perhaps one of my greatest lessons is forgiveness. I have learned that when you pick someone up in their darkest hours it doesn’t mean that they will be there when you are merely treading water. Also that when you listen without judgement it wont necessarily be returned when you need it….not from where you thought it would.

Change…colors of leaves…thats what I think of first. Life is changing daily. New choices and decisions. New direction and roads.

The black pants and the white blouse? Hair up or down? Do people judge you because of your tattoos? Weird, random thoughts. Sometimes things just don’t make sense, and sometimes I know they aren’t supposed to.

A new day and a new page. Do you change the paper? Do you change the ink? Solid or lined? You just change.

And the reality of it is ….you go with the flow and learn to begin again. You learn to stop treading and start swimming again. To remember who you are and realize that you are a valuable human being.

And the reality is…you learn to forgive yourself for being hard on you.

Peace for your Saturday night and always.

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Will and Determination

Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough

~ Og Mandino~

I have been wanting to write about people who inspire me for some time. Often times I do without using names, although they know who they are.

Many times when we are alone with our thoughts, it is detrimental to our well-being and lately this has been the case for me. So I have chosen to share an article about someone who inspires me when I feel I have no will.

I have always admired various people in life for their artistic abilities and I believe that we are all artists in our own way.  I can also appreciate the various forms of creative outlets that people seek. Many of us have suffered some sort of trauma in our lives,  physical, emotional, sexual, grief, loss or some sort of tragedy in general. Some of the most creative people I know have also been some of the most traumatized.

In 2015 I opened my account on Instagram….I began following, liking, observing and connecting with various people. Two of my friends have these eyes that present me with the ability to see life through their (camera) lenses and find beauty where many don’t…and so my love for the different layers of life intensified.

Graffiti. Street Art. Writers. Writers….words. Beautiful and colorful. Dark and deep. Bold, hard edges, soft, rounded corners…Words. People, faces, places and names of present and past. Writers…street art…or as I like think of them poets of paint..”poets of paint”.

The first time I can really remember words saving me I was 12. I started writing poetry or expressive essays ( as I learned from my friend Alyse to call them) and have written to heal parts of my life since. I think I was attracted to street art because of the lettering and the expression behind it. I knew it came from someone who had been through something…we all have a common thread somewhere in life.

I have followed many different artists over the last couple of years and this is how I came to admire one man, Benny Diar. When I think about will and determination…he, hands down, comes to mind. I cannot tell his story, you will have to read it for yourself, but I am sure you will find his thirst for life and art contagious. He has overcome obstacles and odds to do things many of us take for granted on a daily basis and he continues to be an inspiration to many.

So…will and determination…will make you survive and thrive. It “will” make you live when you think you can’t and it will drive to you to be the best you can under different circumstances that life presents you.

I hope that you find something inspirational or useful from here this evening….I have read and heard it many, many time…..”There is always, always something to be grateful for”.

 

Peace for your Friday and in your life

*used with permission of Benny Diar

 

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