Tag: random

Contemplating my next move….

That’s one of my favorite things to say when someone asks me what I am doing. It usually throws them off….but aren’t we always contemplating our next move??

So what exactly is next?

I sat in humble gratitude early Christmas morning for all the good people and things in my life. Especially my child. I even honor the not so great parts and the people who have caused me pain on many levels that was never deserved. They have taught me so much. Life sure has had a lot of ups and downs for me this past year and I know that I will not repeat that in 2018.

Twice in a matter of months I have made lists to the Universe of what I want in life. Really simple, yet it seems some of the hardest to appear. I must not be ready for the good things yet. Or maybe it’s that we don’t truly know how to accept what we want when it appears. Or maybe we are so blinded by the things we have been through that we are unwilling to take the risk to taste a better life. Shouldn’t you wish the same for you that you would wish for people in your life??

So this is what’s next….2018

A selfish year. My year. More me. I deserve better than I get and then I accept. Isn’t it funny what we are willing to give or do for others and we don’t even allow ourselves a tiny fraction of that. Yes, more me. More kindness….better self talk. More trips and less stress. More love, always more love. Wisdom to know that I need to treat myself as well as I treat others. More deep conversation and writing…yes, so much more writing. Adventures….are so needed and welcomed. Maybe I should be the one who randomly calls a friend at 2 am to see the city while it sleeps. Or walking in the rain. Lets all be selfish this year. It doesn’t mean being unkind to others, but happiness starts within…its not selfish to take care of you. When you are truly happy with who you are everything falls into place. I am so ready for 2018.

 

Peace for your Friday night ❤

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Wreckage

Some day as I sift through the wreckage of my life…the ashes of what once was

I will come across remnants of our time

The time I thought you may be mine or the time when we thought we would find each other

Maybe my eyes will meet yours across a crowded room or in a market place full of people

Will you wonder like I do?

Will we speak?

Or will it be that quiet knowing that two people who once confided in each other and found some similarities in our existence to share?

The wreckage…whats left

The ashes….fine silk dust

 

*A little something sitting in my draft folder that found its way here

And so it is Friday……

 

 

 

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Someone’s someone……

Listening is the art of entering the skin of the other
and wearing it for a time as if it were your own.
– David Spangler –

 

After a sleepless night and a long conversation with a girlfriend this morning I found myself here. I love this quote from David Spangler, its perfect. Everyone has a story that needs to be told or emotions that need to be expressed and acknowledged.

As we spoke I listened to her tell me about situations in her life and how they are repetitive. How other situations keep coming up but she doesn’t take the risk to see if they are worth anything or can propel her forward. She is comfortable and uncomfortable where she is. Its familiar.

They say that if its making you uncomfortable, its forcing you to change.

Anyway, I think of her life and her children. I support her and lift her up with words of encouragement. I am her “someone” who will always been here. At 4 am when she can’t sleep or at 5 pm when she wants to chat.

Anyway….the thing that brought me here is chances and opportunity. I think life hands us what we are ready for what we need. It is up to us to see the good or bad, or maybe to take the risk which may send us to something wonderful.

Do you honor and value yourself enough to know what you deserve?

Are you someones “someone” who listens without judgment and with love?

Can you put yourself in another’s shoes or skin and see life from their point of view?

What you accept is what will continue…..give yourself credit where credit is due. I feel we can say to ourselves that we have done a good job or we are good people. Self talk is an important part of self-care. It’s so easy to tell someone about their worth. IF you have poor self talk habits think about this…would you stand by and allow someone to speak to another the way you speak to yourself? If the answer is no, its time to adjust your thoughts and words about yourself.

So today….just be someone’s someone ❤

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All of it

When she says she is sorry for all of it, this is what she means

She is sorry that she gave you parts of herself that you disregarded

That she gave so much and forgot to take

That you mistook her kindness for weakness

She is sorry she made it all acceptable, even though it wasn’t

and isn’t

and never will be

And she is sorry she let you push her so hard and so far

that she became someone she was not

And she finally accepted that she isn’t part of all of it

at all

and that’s okay

And that no matter how much she gives

it will never be enough

That she needs to put her needs first

her happiness is up to her

When she says she is sorry for all of it….she means

She is sorry you can’t see her value

and that someday you will

That you can’t see what you have in her

Because someone will see all of her for exactly who she is

So maybe

just maybe

She isn’t sorry for all of it at all

 

 

 

 

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Gratitude

I have thought about a lot over the last few weeks and mostly today about what I am grateful for. The list is long and not all of it good. But I thought since its time to heal some wounds and resolve some issues….its time to write again.

I woke up less than happy this morning (Wednesday) …probably because I went to bed with a few things on my mind. Sometimes that happens. I am not one of those people who can lay down and fall instantly to sleep, unless I am exhausted, even then it takes time.

I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in this life so far. For knowing how to treat people and having manners when a lot of people don’t. For the sadness, happiness and anger I have experienced. And for my time alone. I am making it and I depend on….Oh! No one, except myself. It’s not a great thing but not a bad thing either. Sometimes alone is not so bad and some times the quiet is overwhelming.

My heart is grateful for the little man who you lived with me for almost 14 years and shared all my lessons with me. I miss him every day. I went to fill his bowl today and realized (again) he isn’t here any more. I want to go get him from where ever he is and bring him home. Talking about him is getting easier. His bed and treasures are still in the living room and I still long for his face in the window.

The young woman who sleeps down the hall from me most days. My daughter….I love her so much. I look at her in wonder and awe and hope in her heart of hearts she knows her Mama always has her no matter what. Crazy smart and strong. Thats my girl ❤

So I woke up less than happy this morning…for no particular reason. It’s funny how random strangers and good people in your life can change it all in matter of minutes. I had a few errands to run this morning and it unlocked the fullness of life for me. I appreciate the things I have and I am able to do. Sure, there are a few things in life I would like to have, not materialistically, but everything comes when it’s supposed too and when we are ready for it. I saw my friend this morning and her loving spirit and kind heart are always a reminder there are still good people in this world. She is one of those people who I met and felt like I always knew. She is an amazing woman. She gave me  birthday gifts, a beautiful throw and a new journal that says Blessed…but the card. I am such a card person. I take the time to make sure what I pick is heart-felt. Her card was perfect and heartfelt. Somehow I ended up in a conversation with a stranger. It started very general and included compliments. Isnt funny that some of the greatest compliments come when you aren’t feeling your best? It must be the Universe knowing that is when we need them the most. Then it turned to birthday wishes, astrological signs and easy conversation. The whole experience lightened my day.

I am grateful for….

People who arrive too late

Who stay too long

Who leave too early

and wait too long to say how they feel

For the ones who weren’t and aren’t nice and the ones who reach out with kind words that remind you who you are, where you have been and your strength. For smiles and words with random people, for ignorance from the familiar too. For the ones the who make you question your place and the ones who reassure you of it.

Blessed am I to have the experiences, the people and wisdom I have gained from all of it. These are just some of the things I am grateful for.

Peace for your Friday

and Gratitude of course ❤

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Take a deeper look……

Take a deeper look at the woman you are with.

What do you see?

She will not show you every layer of who she is, because she doesn’t trust that fully.

She will supply you with amazing strength, kindness and love, but will rarely do the same for herself.

She is a mother, a daughter, a sister, friend…she is a lot.

And she is too little sometimes.

Take a deeper look.

If you cannot walk the walk with her, move on.

She doesn’t deserve a half assed love or coming in last.

Take a deeper look…

she laughs and cries,

she is funny and serious

She seeks permanence in a temporary world

Are you strong enough to dive into the depth of the being that she is?

To witness every layer that makes up the person she is

Take a deeper look at yourself….

Will you allow her to see you for who you are at your core?

To bare you secrets at the darkest

and share your greatest accomplishments

Are you able to reveal yourself ?

To be the glorious being you are and let her celebrate you

and accept you

Take a deeper look…..

What do you see?

And how much of you do you allow others to see?

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You

I want the taste

touch

and feel of you

I want to know what it feels like to lay next to you, spent

And to wake up to your warmth in the morning

I want to know your dreams and what drives you

I want to know your scars

trace them and kiss them tenderly

I promise you, there is nothing you can tell me that would drive me away

I dont know what draws me to you

But its unshakable

Breath taking

A common thread?

Do I see a partner to run with?

A soul with whom I resonate

Low lights and candles

Quiet whispers

tender, passionate kisses

Press up against me…you said it

I ache for you

I ache to know you

How is that possible?? I have never laid eyes on you and I am terrified of the day I do, afraid that I will need to kiss you, to touch your hands, to know your energy. I think about kissing you….your hands, your shoulders…legs…chest. Maybe it is you who can’t handle my secrets.

For now…I wait for you….and want you

 

**Sometimes we write and find it later without memory or recognition. This is one of those pieces…I brushed off the dust and this is whats left. We write about what we want…who…and things we have never had. Desire, dreams and shreds of what we think normal is…what is your normal? Do you settle?

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“Feel Free”

Feel Free

I fall into my routine and think about what needs to be done. Then I drift to whats been done to me. The age of 13 keeps coming up. I read a passage in The 5 Love Languages today and thats where it all started.

“Something in our natures cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments. At the heart of humankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another”  Chapman, Gary, The 5 Love Languages

I believe that I am a likable person and a good human so when I am not acknowledged or intentionally ignored it is devastating. I took and bath and read a book, pulled a writing prompt and ended up in my 13 year old life for a few moments.

When I was 13 my Mom was married to a verbally abusive alcoholic. He would drink beer every night. And then we bought cases for the week and on Friday he started with hard alcohol.  They say that women pick men like the father or father figure in their life from 12 to 16 or maybe its 13 to 16. This makes perfect sense for me now. I have really had some time to think about the men I have had in my life. I thought I did good when “I picked” a man. You see I let the long-term relationships I have had, not a lot, pick me. Well I finally picked a man and he was….well he just was. He wasnt an alcoholic and I have my thoughts on what he did in our time…actually I know what has been to me, by admission and then by action. Actions, by all means, speak louder than words.

When we went to live with Arnold I was 12. Out of sight, out of mind. Stay quiet and in your room and you didn’t feel the repercussions for being 12 and not his biological child. If I was lucky I was ignored and that was a lot. I never realized until the last several years of my life how hurtful it is to be ignored. There are actual articles out there that say the damage of someone ignoring you is worse than physical abuse. When I am not acknowledged its like saying…”it doesnt matter if you are here, you don’t exist, you aren’t worthy of my time”. First I hurt and then I hate and I am not a hateful person. I acknowledge everyone…yes, everyone. I would never ignore someone on purpose. I have more compassion, understanding and emotions than to hurt someone like that.

I don’t know how the prompt of “Feel Free” led me to this, that’s not whats important. The flow is important, the emptying of thoughts. And whats more important is sitting with my own feelings. The feeling of not mattering, of reaching into my core and knowing I DO FUCKING matter, even if it’s not to you. Think about how you treat people….and then ask yourself how you would feel if someone treated you that way….Some people lack empathy and compassion and decent common courtesy.

Be A Good Human….<3 and yes, treat people how you would like to be treated

Peace for Sunday and all days ❤

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The morning after

And I exhale. Its been a long few days. Things can change instantly….and they have. I spent last night purging/cleaning a major part of my life. Rearranging things and thinking about whats next.

I am clear in thought….I know what  I want and what I will strive for. I lost myself and my value by placing my happiness in someone else’s pocket for a while. Yes I emptied my cup taking care of others. I exhale….and know in my heart its time to replenish my cup.

I am thinking about a trip to see my family and friends for a long weekend. Maybe some lake time. I have neglected a very important person, myself. When you have to question your worth in someones life, you need to stop and question why you are in their life. To be a back burner is hurtful. So I know one thing for sure….I will never stop being me. I am a good ME….I will continue to seek the best in people even when they don’t see it in themselves. And to stop being kind…is that even possible?? Never….and so I press on.

Gym time….therapy. It feels good to push myself and challenge myself to be better and stronger. I am happy in this moment….I have made a new friend and mentor. She WRITES!!! She has ignited my creativity by showing up. I crave words and writing until the well is dry. This is my home. I have caught up with my WordPress friend and glad he is healing and finding his way. I have good women who surround me and lift me up, thats so important….I even have some very dear men in my life, who, although I cut out for a period of time, remain. Friends….I am humbled by them and will work hard to be a better friend.

Love….good love. Not so sure about it. Maybe someday, people truly can only love you as deeply as they love themselves and meet you the same….like the quote says.

I sit in silence in my home, in a sacred, safe space I have created. Its quiet, except the hum of the air conditioner. It’s a good day to begin again….

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