Tag: risk

Broken people….

We talk about people who hurt people, sometimes…

I have been thinking a lot about broken people today. Left unhealed or unwilling to do self-work and practice self love, they continue to break others. I know many women and men who have been broken and have given up on the thought of finding someone they can love and will love them in return.

Before I really got to know my life partner, a young woman I know spoke powerful words to me. She said “you will meet someone someday who wont need you to fix them and they wont want to fix you”. Our conversation continued about fixing other people and about the broken continuing to break people. I often think about the men and women who treat each other poorly and my first thought is….”how would you feel if this was done to your child, family member or friend?”. So the partner cheats, would you want your son or daughter to experience the heartache of someone she loves treating him or her this way?

There are so many broken people in this world and they continue to break the innocent because in some warped sense they justify their actions. I have said it before and it just came to mind again, “If you wouldn’t like it or want it done to you, DON’T DO IT!”.

Acceptance….Risk….Happiness

Acceptance…….In order to accept others I think we need to truly accept ourselves, all of our darkness and all of our light. We need to look back at the past and take the lessons that have been presented and move forward with that knowledge. Every obstacle and triumph will teach you something if you are willing to look. Someone will treat you like you are irrelevant and unloved only to show you what you really deserve, someone will treat you like you are not intelligent because they are intimidated by your knowledge. Someone may hold you down until you have no choice but to come up for air, fighting for yourself. We are all human and all worthy of valuable, healthy relationships with people who appreciate us.

Risk….Without risk there will be no reward. Even though you have been hurt, betrayed or broken, however you want to define it, you must find the strength to move beyond it. Self-care. There was a time I painted, or created in some way, my steadfast method of self-care takes the form of writing. It always has and will always be where I find the medicine of life that heals me. Replenishes the layers that have been peeled away. There was a time I sat for hours tying Mala’s (prayer beads). Seems interesting now to realize I was healing while tying prayer beads, but for a time thats where I found peace. I think we need to find an outlet and in it we will find the inner peace that was interrupted by circumstances within and beyond our control. Once I felt like I had time to process and decompress from life’s little messes I was able to consider risking again. I made new friends, after losing trust in old ones, I dated again…after, well, just after. That was risk-taking again to me. Finding strength to trust others in the aftermath of so much pain.

Happiness……Finally. I have been presented with a tremendous amount of happiness. For the first time I really feel like I am living the life I deserve. I never really felt like I deserved good things, I am not sure why. I just felt like I didn’t. I have a lot of good now….just incredibly good. All the bad situations laid ground work and taught me important lessons. I really appreciate the sweetness of life. Unhealed people taught me how they can and will break you, because that is all they know. I think these lessons, however painful, are important. I have learned how to let go, how to risk, and how to trust again. I know how to love and I now know what it feels like to be loved for who I am.

Someday, if you experience broken people, you need to find the strength to try again after you have taken care of yourself. Meet your needs, put yourself first, discover who you are, and find inner peace. You will find them, your people, the ones who know what it feels like to be broken and who would never inflict the pain they have felt on another. You will find people who you can trust, who you can love and love in return, who wont hurt you. And most importantly, wont bleed on you.

Peace in your Saturday evening…..

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Just the way you are…..

In the last several months my life has changed in ways that were unimaginable. I learned  about uncertainty, fear, deep sadness, periodic depression, friendship and commitment…and I learned how to get up. I am one of those people who has to dive deeply into what life gives me, good or bad, tread in the waters for a time and resurface with a clear perspective on what to do and how I will survive. I have some amazing friends that stood strong and never wavered in their support of me. They were there at the darkest and are still standing next to me in my light.

So here I am, six months out. Same good, strong friendships and new ones blooming. A  new direction, new job and an incredible man in my life which brings me to letting someone love you just the way you are.

Sometimes you don’t realize how damaging friendships and relationships are until you are standing on the opposite side looking back in. People will let you down, judge you and make you second guess who you are. But only if you allow it. I was untrue to myself for many years because I didn’t allow myself to “just be”. I did with my closest circle but beyond that people only saw who I allowed them to see, who I chose for them to see. People can be so judgmental and it can tear us down if we allow it to affect us. I did. The way I dressed, how I spoke, who I spent time with, how I loved myself. I lost the self-esteem and confidence I had worked so hard to build, I lost being comfortable in my own skin. I lost me.

The one thing I didn’t lose is the way I treat people. No matter how poorly someone acts I will never return that behavior to them. I will simply wish them well, close that door and push on. I have always said I will continue to risk my heart in hopes that someday someone will come and stay….

And then….oh….and then

On a humid summer day, at our half way point, we found each other. Its been constant and consistent every since. I am adjusting to this new normal. We showed up, unpacked our proverbial bags and here we are. We mirror each other in many ways, past relationships and marriages. The time lines, the me too’s, the “I can’t believe you like that too”, the creative sides of each of us. Soulfood. The way we show respect towards each other, the way we give, the way we treat others. The Universe has a funny way of giving you what you ask for, and in the end what you deserve. We are so present…We. Are. So. Present. when we are together. Was there a time before now? Past contracts completed to bring us to the present.

My point is we showed up. I never wanted someone to carry my bags, I wanted to unpack them and it be okay. So it began, without question, on that summer day. We showed up and brought a small bag to unpack. Without judgement or hesitation we laid the contents out for the other to explore. Over time we have shared the hurts, let downs, accomplishments and life experiences. Not one red flag. I look at this beautiful human and he fills me up. Our hearts open and receiving. We see each other for who we are. Imperfectly perfect human beings who didn’t give up on people and finding someone good.

So just be who you are and let someone love you, flaws and all. Take the risk, always, always take the risk and one day you will….You will arrive home. You will find, feel and experience peace and what its like to be fully accepted for exactly who you are. We took the risk and…..

Sunlight has entered our broken windows and illuminated life….

 

Peace for your Sunday ❤

And every day…..

 

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It’s moments like this….

It’s the quiet calm

before the flood

of emotions

It’s the sound of the house

before you wake

It’s the feel of the fabric

and the hum of the air

The incense that lingers

from last night

The remnants

and snapshots

The smiles

and laughter

The serious conversation

and the shared moments

of the weekend

you were gone

The way you love them

and the way you speak

The way we missed

each other

It’s the words you’ve shared

It’s the moments,

all of them

tied

perfectly together

right here

right now

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The Wisdom of Sundays on a Saturday

As I often do, I pick a page from my book. Page 27 it is. Ram Dass.

I  picked up The Wisdom of Sundays by Oprah Winfrey after I saw it on a friends coffee table. I flipped through it and  knew it was something I needed.

So….Ram Dass it is on this Saturday morning. I read through the page twice. It speaks of vulnerability, showing up and unconditional love. This is the way I interpret the words I have found.

I thought today I would write about the recent journey I have been on, the trials and tribulations, the part of life that has tested the very core of the person I am. But that changed after page 27.

So, the unconditional love thing. Is that really possible? I have questioned this for at least the last 5 years or more. It’s an ongoing battle with …..”yeah but, give me, do this, do that, can I, will you or the ever famous, if you love me you will” WHY must love be contingent on these things? Why must there be contingencies at all? If someone treats you poorly, how much do you take before you can “un” love unconditionally. There has to be a clear moment when you know that no matter how much you love someone or what you do for them it will never be enough.  You will never enough for them, but “YOU ARE ENOUGH” for you.

I think about the man who was cheated on and heartbroken, the one who is afraid to love again.  I think about the woman who deserves more but can’t see it. The people who search for something they cant obtain because they clearly cant “see” and think that physical interaction is enough to satisfy them. If it is why do they continue to run to the next and the next and the very next, distributing pieces of themselves or their souls as they go. Human connection….sounds amazing, and rare right? They say men don’t want a woman who has been with everyone….and then recently I found the same except “women don’t want a man who has been with everyone”. TRUTH.

Vulnerability….

So you show up and open your heart to another human, and they use it to use you. They take you for granted. Your kindness, your weakness….they take the gift of your authenticity and crush it like fine china. Like its nothing….they cant “see”. Some eyes are so clouded with greed and despair that they cant see. You let down your walls and share your fears, what makes you happy, what breaks you down. The things that have broken you are now somehow used as ammunition to reduce you.

So many thoughts….do we stop loving? Some do, some continue to take the risk and are somehow eventually rewarded with someone who loves them the way they should be. Do we stop showing up? Some do, some isolate and stay to themselves. The few they allow in will never really know they depth of their soul or what makes them who they are. Some continue to risk showing up, learning with each surrender and abandon, with each heart-break or let down they become wiser.

For me, eventually I will show up in my vulnerability again and, yes, I still have faith that unconditional love exists.

So I leave you with my thoughts and words I am saying to myself….

Never risk the opportunity to show someone who you really are, if there is truly unconditional love, they will stay and they will love you. Risk it again and again, because at some point it will be fulfilling and rewarding. Always be who you are, no matter what, the world can be cruel and so can people, but be who you are without hesitation. Know you deserve better. And above all….love yourself, you know you best.

 

Peace for your Saturday ❤

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