Dig down deep
can you swim
in your own murky waters..
Surfacing
inhaling
holding
on
exhaling
and
letting go
Can you accept another at their depth
Can you hold their darkness
while they seek their light
compassion
empathy
kindness
understanding
can you…
can you embrace the darkest parts of you
and hold another in your light
Can you breathe
Sadness
Grief
loss
the things we struggle with
What lies beneath
the surface
is the most beautiful parts of a human soul
And someone once asked her what she wanted…
She wanted to sit in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon and work on the book that she had written a million times in her mind. She wanted to feed her soul with the things she felt most connected to. Words.
Her friends painted and wrote, weaved and crafted treasures for little shops and big. They took pictures of objects and people who fed their souls. They healed their wounds by creating beautiful pieces and places in this life. They left their mark. Yes, she wanted to leave a mark in this life that had meaning.
What did she want? Peace, calm…steady, easy rhythm to life. Not a roller coaster and of ifs and maybes. She wanted certainty. She wanted rain, coffee shops and bookstores. Tea and rosemary, lavender and honey…random simplicities. Big coffee mugs and good people. She wants to listen and be heard, to lift people up and kneel down with…laugh, cry and live life with.
She learned about crows and eagles alone on a desolate road at 12:40 am on a Wednesday morning. She knew about darkness and diving into the depths of it and resurfacing with some clarity. She knew about sleeping and rising alone, and feeling connected and disconnected from life and people.
But it wasnt about what she knew, it was about what she wanted.
Love and happiness……pens and paper….paint and canvas.
Life.
Today she wanted life more than yesterday.
Not everyone will have the same heart as yours…..
These words sting. Nothing has ever been more true and felt more deeply. We all get it. Constant learning process…right here….right now…tomorrow is another day
So many words…..that there aren’t enough
I know when it happened
But I don’t know how to stop what is felt
Time will tell
My words will eventually heal me
This time is tough…
The time when words just aren’t enough
A small crack in life has turned into a gaping wound. I am tired and sad and it all feels irrevocable. Over the last several weeks I have had enough. My cup is finally empty and I am not even sure where to turn to replenish it. I know that I have learned that I can only count on myself at the end of the day. I have been observing as a participant for….well, for as long as I can remember but its amazing when you breakdown and really look at the whole picture from the inside and outside. Who do you count on? Me? I count on myself and lean on myself and sometimes it just sucks…no other way to say it. I am alone…I would say aren’t we all…but I don’t feel that way. I have so many things I want and they are so simple and I am just not sure how to get there….maybe by letting go of attachment to what I desire. I know that’s how it works, an incredible experience that I have repeatedly witnessed in my life. It’s not even materialistic….unless you consider eventually buying a home. But I can do that on my own. Plan B….yep, I am my own plan B, hell, I am my own A as well. People can’t handle what they say they want….and rarely, if ever stay true to their word. That is the experience in my life.
I have no room for anger at myself. How can you be angry when all you have done is give and do your best to make people happy or help out? It’s never enough….never. And I AM responsible for my own needs and happiness…this I know. I am just so fucking tired and see no end or no way to fix what is. I try to read positive mantras and I can’t even get through them. Even words aren’t finding a way in….but I suppose being here they are finding a way out which is helpful. I am tired of putting on a smile when it’s not even genuine.
Fourth, fifth,…..eighteenth place….where do you fall in line with people in your life? It just doesn’t feel good not to care about much.
Two days later…
Here.
Here is sad and lonely.
I reach for any remnants of happiness. What is happiness? Is anyone ever really happy? And lonely…it is what it is. My life is not how I imagined it to be….are our lives ever really the way they picture them to be? I need and I am alone. I have taken Facebook and messenger off of my phone. We spend too much time on social media and not being social with our own. What is that? What a fucked up place to be in. And its all negative bullshit now….political, about bad relationship choices or how do you know if he is lying or cheating or wants you….what kind of friend are you? Or messages from immature people and when you go to respond they…poof….disappear. So much shit in life….people fishing for attention when you want to yell GROW THE FUCK UP and be grateful for what you have. Damn, so many think its a dating site or lets say trolling site. People are never satisfied with what they have or just completely take it for granted.
Lets talk….
I broke yesterday….broke…broken…irreparable? Who fucking knows? I am sick inside. I have no one to blame but myself. Physically sick. All I need is a place to land right now…silence, kindness, peace and a kind heart that doesn’t judge, just gets it. Arms to crawl into and forget about what fills my space at this moment. Where? Imagine that….if you aren’t giving then you can’t get. I am angry and hurt. Fix it….yeah right. I am always the happy one who handles life and its challenges well….well, until I broke. No one wants to hear others “things” or they cant hear above their own. Thank the Universe for the one friend who understands and texts me the morning after to make sure I made it.
Mad? Fuck yeah!
Hateful? Today, yes.
Forgiving? Always
Lessons are always hard. Sometimes reality sucks and you need it to shake you to realize you are important.
I am very into intuition and listening for what I need….the only thing I can hear today is:
Be Gentle With Yourself
I am so hard on me. I have come to this understanding that the advice I would give my friend or friends is the advice I should take for myself…thats a hard pill to swallow. Right now in this moment I can only think that I need to be gentle with myself. I deserve good people, love and things in my life. I know I do….I just don’t know how to accept that I am deserving.
My anger and hate have subsided somewhat….I need to forgive myself for being so hard on me. I need to find gratitude in knowing I can be alone and take care of myself. In crawling into my bed alone when a lot of people in this world are suffering and would be grateful for the space I occupy. I need to be grateful that people in my life show me my worth to them….even if it’s not pleasant.
Be Gentle With Yourself
Because after all…who better to treat you good than you.
And with morning came the slow realization that she would never be enough for him
She had given everything there was to give and she knew it still wasn’t enough
She always emptied her cup making sure others were happy
Overnight the bottom fell out of her cup and was slowly replaced with something new
Some long-lost new found wisdom
She knows what she has to offer
She knows what kind of life she is capable of building
Quiet confidence, along with sadness, bubble to the surface
It’s not about her being enough any more
She is enough for herself
What he seeks is something she doesn’t posses
He wont admit that it’s not her that he wants
He sought others in solitary time while she has been alone
And I look at her
She stands alone in the moment
strong
yet silent
With slow realization
I knew for days what my next post would be about….about love.
That all changed…..a few words and actions and that shit isn’t as important as it once was. So here I am on a Friday night lost in thought and drifting in a river of words. Maybe this should be about love….is there such a thing as good love? Does it matter?
Yes, it’s about love
If you would have asked me months ago what love would feel like, I was so sure it would be earth-shaking, weak in the knees, breathless love. Then a few days ago I thought, thought, that maybe love was easy and silent and slipped in when you least expected it, from someone you never imagined loving or loving you. Maybe it was the quiet storm that crept up on you and grew daily. I am not so sure…..I LOVE YOU and LOVE YOU. Is there a difference? I have heard there is. I love you….for your partner, the one your heart loves, Love you….a friend or a buddy. Someone you hang out with, pass time with, but you aren’t really in love with.
And then there is never enough…what happens when you know that you are never enough for someone? You Are Never Really Enough..then what?? Where do you go with that? When you ache for words…kind words, not cutting remarks or negative jabs. When you ache for a little something kind and affectionate….an extended hug or glance that’s more than…just more.
Alone and lonely…big difference. You can come home alone, to an empty house, or you can eat alone, shop alone, go out alone or stay in alone. Lonely….it happens everywhere. In a room full of people. Next to someone you think cares. Across the table from your family, shopping, going out or staying in lonely.
Yes, happiness is temporary and fleeting….Love, what is that? The purest form is for my daughter. Beyond that? What is love?
Enough for tonight….
And I let my head slip under the dark waters
where time and space have become irrelevant
where feelings and emotions no longer exist
no false hopes or doubts
no love or hate
I find the space where breath is non-existent
Where peace comes easy
It’s not important to touch or be touched
There is no fear of love or loss
because here it no longer exists
I let go
The depth is like a blanket of silk
full of comfort and nothingness
Memories fade
time lapses
The ripples in the waters above subside
and I have exhaled
Something Resembling Life 