A small crack in life has turned into a gaping wound. I am tired and sad and it all feels irrevocable. Over the last several weeks I have had enough. My cup is finally empty and I am not even sure where to turn to replenish it. I know that I have learned that I can only count on myself at the end of the day. I have been observing as a participant for….well, for as long as I can remember but its amazing when you breakdown and really look at the whole picture from the inside and outside. Who do you count on? Me? I count on myself and lean on myself and sometimes it just sucks…no other way to say it. I am alone…I would say aren’t we all…but I don’t feel that way. I have so many things I want and they are so simple and I am just not sure how to get there….maybe by letting go of attachment to what I desire. I know that’s how it works, an incredible experience that I have repeatedly witnessed in my life. It’s not even materialistic….unless you consider eventually buying a home. But I can do that on my own. Plan B….yep, I am my own plan B, hell, I am my own A as well. People can’t handle what they say they want….and rarely, if ever stay true to their word. That is the experience in my life.
I have no room for anger at myself. How can you be angry when all you have done is give and do your best to make people happy or help out? It’s never enough….never. And I AM responsible for my own needs and happiness…this I know. I am just so fucking tired and see no end or no way to fix what is. I try to read positive mantras and I can’t even get through them. Even words aren’t finding a way in….but I suppose being here they are finding a way out which is helpful. I am tired of putting on a smile when it’s not even genuine.
Fourth, fifth,…..eighteenth place….where do you fall in line with people in your life? It just doesn’t feel good not to care about much.
Two days later…
Here is sad and lonely.
I reach for any remnants of happiness. What is happiness? Is anyone ever really happy? And lonely…it is what it is. My life is not how I imagined it to be….are our lives ever really the way they picture them to be? I need and I am alone. I have taken Facebook and messenger off of my phone. We spend too much time on social media and not being social with our own. What is that? What a fucked up place to be in. And its all negative bullshit now….political, about bad relationship choices or how do you know if he is lying or cheating or wants you….what kind of friend are you? Or messages from immature people and when you go to respond they…poof….disappear. So much shit in life….people fishing for attention when you want to yell GROW THE FUCK UP and be grateful for what you have. Damn, so many think its a dating site or lets say trolling site. People are never satisfied with what they have or just completely take it for granted.
I broke yesterday….broke…broken…irreparable? Who fucking knows? I am sick inside. I have no one to blame but myself. Physically sick. All I need is a place to land right now…silence, kindness, peace and a kind heart that doesn’t judge, just gets it. Arms to crawl into and forget about what fills my space at this moment. Where? Imagine that….if you aren’t giving then you can’t get. I am angry and hurt. Fix it….yeah right. I am always the happy one who handles life and its challenges well….well, until I broke. No one wants to hear others “things” or they cant hear above their own. Thank the Universe for the one friend who understands and texts me the morning after to make sure I made it.
Mad? Fuck yeah!
Hateful? Today, yes.
Lessons are always hard. Sometimes reality sucks and you need it to shake you to realize you are important.
I am very into intuition and listening for what I need….the only thing I can hear today is:
Be Gentle With Yourself
I am so hard on me. I have come to this understanding that the advice I would give my friend or friends is the advice I should take for myself…thats a hard pill to swallow. Right now in this moment I can only think that I need to be gentle with myself. I deserve good people, love and things in my life. I know I do….I just don’t know how to accept that I am deserving.
My anger and hate have subsided somewhat….I need to forgive myself for being so hard on me. I need to find gratitude in knowing I can be alone and take care of myself. In crawling into my bed alone when a lot of people in this world are suffering and would be grateful for the space I occupy. I need to be grateful that people in my life show me my worth to them….even if it’s not pleasant.
Be Gentle With Yourself
Because after all…who better to treat you good than you.