She made a list once
Of the things that needed to be taken care of
When she wasn’t here any more
Who to call
and contact
and lean on
All the information needed
in the finality of life
And then she learned
about another lady who made a list
Much like hers
And she realized that it was
not the time for her list
So she tucked it away
Hoping and knowing
time heals
and mends
and changes
and sometimes it’s not good
to make lists like hers
That’s one of my favorite things to say when someone asks me what I am doing. It usually throws them off….but aren’t we always contemplating our next move??
So what exactly is next?
I sat in humble gratitude early Christmas morning for all the good people and things in my life. Especially my child. I even honor the not so great parts and the people who have caused me pain on many levels that was never deserved. They have taught me so much. Life sure has had a lot of ups and downs for me this past year and I know that I will not repeat that in 2018.
Twice in a matter of months I have made lists to the Universe of what I want in life. Really simple, yet it seems some of the hardest to appear. I must not be ready for the good things yet. Or maybe it’s that we don’t truly know how to accept what we want when it appears. Or maybe we are so blinded by the things we have been through that we are unwilling to take the risk to taste a better life. Shouldn’t you wish the same for you that you would wish for people in your life??
So this is what’s next….2018
A selfish year. My year. More me. I deserve better than I get and then I accept. Isn’t it funny what we are willing to give or do for others and we don’t even allow ourselves a tiny fraction of that. Yes, more me. More kindness….better self talk. More trips and less stress. More love, always more love. Wisdom to know that I need to treat myself as well as I treat others. More deep conversation and writing…yes, so much more writing. Adventures….are so needed and welcomed. Maybe I should be the one who randomly calls a friend at 2 am to see the city while it sleeps. Or walking in the rain. Lets all be selfish this year. It doesn’t mean being unkind to others, but happiness starts within…its not selfish to take care of you. When you are truly happy with who you are everything falls into place. I am so ready for 2018.
Peace for your Friday night ❤
I have thought about a lot over the last few weeks and mostly today about what I am grateful for. The list is long and not all of it good. But I thought since its time to heal some wounds and resolve some issues….its time to write again.
I woke up less than happy this morning (Wednesday) …probably because I went to bed with a few things on my mind. Sometimes that happens. I am not one of those people who can lay down and fall instantly to sleep, unless I am exhausted, even then it takes time.
I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in this life so far. For knowing how to treat people and having manners when a lot of people don’t. For the sadness, happiness and anger I have experienced. And for my time alone. I am making it and I depend on….Oh! No one, except myself. It’s not a great thing but not a bad thing either. Sometimes alone is not so bad and some times the quiet is overwhelming.
My heart is grateful for the little man who you lived with me for almost 14 years and shared all my lessons with me. I miss him every day. I went to fill his bowl today and realized (again) he isn’t here any more. I want to go get him from where ever he is and bring him home. Talking about him is getting easier. His bed and treasures are still in the living room and I still long for his face in the window.
The young woman who sleeps down the hall from me most days. My daughter….I love her so much. I look at her in wonder and awe and hope in her heart of hearts she knows her Mama always has her no matter what. Crazy smart and strong. Thats my girl ❤
So I woke up less than happy this morning…for no particular reason. It’s funny how random strangers and good people in your life can change it all in matter of minutes. I had a few errands to run this morning and it unlocked the fullness of life for me. I appreciate the things I have and I am able to do. Sure, there are a few things in life I would like to have, not materialistically, but everything comes when it’s supposed too and when we are ready for it. I saw my friend this morning and her loving spirit and kind heart are always a reminder there are still good people in this world. She is one of those people who I met and felt like I always knew. She is an amazing woman. She gave me birthday gifts, a beautiful throw and a new journal that says Blessed…but the card. I am such a card person. I take the time to make sure what I pick is heart-felt. Her card was perfect and heartfelt. Somehow I ended up in a conversation with a stranger. It started very general and included compliments. Isnt funny that some of the greatest compliments come when you aren’t feeling your best? It must be the Universe knowing that is when we need them the most. Then it turned to birthday wishes, astrological signs and easy conversation. The whole experience lightened my day.
I am grateful for….
People who arrive too late
Who stay too long
Who leave too early
and wait too long to say how they feel
For the ones who weren’t and aren’t nice and the ones who reach out with kind words that remind you who you are, where you have been and your strength. For smiles and words with random people, for ignorance from the familiar too. For the ones the who make you question your place and the ones who reassure you of it.
Blessed am I to have the experiences, the people and wisdom I have gained from all of it. These are just some of the things I am grateful for.
Peace for your Friday
and Gratitude of course ❤
As I get ready, almost on a daily basis, I listen to something. Today I chose Tony Robbins: I am Not Your Guru. I know more about him in the last 30 minutes than I ever have, its enough to have caught my attention. I have no idea why I chose him, but I believe what we need comes right when we need it most. He picked a young woman out of the crowd and she began telling her story…at one point he said “Rejection breeds obsession”. And it was over, I was in. He also spoke about what I refer to as mantras. His was “I AM A FUCKING WARRIOR”. He said he would repeat it when he ran for an hour everyday and then after a period of time it was embedded in his mind.
So its time again…to be mindful of how I speak to myself, to value my self more. I feel, sometimes like I am not good enough. A good enough parent, a good enough girlfriend, a good enough friend, not pretty enough, smart enough, not thin enough….the list is a mile long. I feel when people in my life look at me, they judge me and not in a positive light. I project my judgement of my self out into the Universe onto them….its almost like I ask them for this. I am so “obsessed” at making sure everyone is happy and taken care. This is part of my passion and purpose…to love and give in great lengths. I have been told by significant people in life that I give to everyone what I lacked in my life because I don’t ever want anyone to feel what I have felt.
So I am going to back to my mantras when I work out or drive across town. They all begin with “I AM” and they are followed with the polarity of every thing negative I have felt or felt about my self. It will take time to correct the recent damage I have done with my words, but I know that its possible…
Something Resembling Life 