Tag: self work

Learned behaviors….

Who taught you to fear?

I have busied myself with little oddities tonight around the house and the echos of the eggshell dance have been present throughout the evening. I count the last few things that need to be done in the days and ahead and then the things beyond that. I am tired.

Moving, I moved so much in my childhood. So many memories discarded over the last few years and even more over the last few months. Things I never dreamed I would let go of have finally met their fate in the local landfill. I think I kept the most important things and I try not to consider the things I let go of too long or I will, like many other times, overthink. This brought up some old wounds and the dive into how and why I still practice old behaviors that also led to survival.

The eggshell dance….a learned behavior and a childhood coping mechanism. My conscious thoughts were “be quiet, be good, stay out of the way, tiptoe around the bubbling anger that could overflow at any moment”. A learned behavior to make sure I was safe. To make sure life was a little bit easier. Always watch-full, always, always aware, and always, always fearful.

Forward….I carried that learned behavior into my adult life and still practice it even today. Although I try not too, I realized tonight I still carry that programming with me. It sent me into scattered thoughts this evening, sifting, looking, digging in and trying to recall at what point I learned this or who taught me. Self taught I think, its been here so long I cant remember where it came from. It’s a thread in the fabric of my life that runs deep. I practice it more than I like to admit.

Everything will be okay, if everything is okay.

Never too much or too little, always trying to find the perfect balance and sometimes life just isnt like that. A lot, life isnt like that.

People will judge you and it will hurt. It can be a harsh judgement or a small one, sometimes the sting is the same.

So tonight I will consciously try not to spend too much more time on why I repeat this behavior and do my best to be more aware that I have no reason to be fear-full any more and just be……

Peace for your Monday evening ❤

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Writing out loud

I had some time today to think about now and what’s next. We have an iron in the fire which is really exciting. It means work, time and attention, but it will be ours. But I thought about something that I am forever doing , writing. I worked on pages, and pages, and pages over the last few years. Or maybe I have been working on pages since I was twelve.

I know that I always come back to this. It’s my constant. It soothes and heals, listens and advises when I look back on what’s been written. I am forever collecting words in some way, shape or form. Writing is like breathing for me, I can’t live without it.

I used to write on paper napkins several years ago and leave them in random places. I noticed yesterday at lunch I did this It was about being present, in the moment. Chances are in the particular restaurant we were in, they didn’t even look twice at the words. I don’t think they needed them, I think we did. It was a long day, one in which we never wavered, lost patience and we were never short with each other. It says a lot about who we are, as a couple and individually. He said to me that we are receptive to each others energy. Meaning one can remain calm as long as the other does, we feed off of each other. Anyways, my words were a reminder to be present in the moments we were in. We made it through yesterday without one bump or one short word.

Word…words…writing…and back to the task at hand.

I feel like I need to work on my pages again and do something with them. I have received some good feedback and some who disagree with what I write, but I welcome that. I feel it makes me grow as a writer.

So here’s to Writing out loud and what comes next

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The fabric of life

I am standing in front of your side of the closet, delicately touching each shirt as I go. I know the feel of what I am looking for. And there it is, my favorite shirt of yours. You smile when I find you in the kitchen and there we were……

Sometimes it’s hard for me to share some of the layers of my life with you, not that they are a secret, but because they are reminder of the tenderness that still remains. I had been trying to tell you for some time and finally found the words, or my voice in Saturday’s morning hours.

For many, instead of dealing with pain, it is easier to bury than acknowledge. So it is buried. Some people never touch it again and some people have no choice in order to heal. I uncovered it and worked on it, through it and beyond it. I learned some valuable lessons in the process. Allowing the poor behavior of others to back step my healing process once again. Another lesson in the book of life. I was finally getting it.

I know now that the lessons I received were to remind me of who I am and my strength. But most importantly to know exactly what I deserve in this life.

I have always carefully thought through my actions and words towards others. “How would I react?” “Are my actions considerate?” “Are my words kind?” “How would I feel?”. I believe where I come from, the things I have experienced throughout life, made me more mindful of others and their feelings. I have experienced situations where someone has subjected me to harsh words and actions and then wondered why I lashed out in anger or eventually just walked away from them.

My favorite shirt, because it feels of you, the way you calm me and the way you stir me. You make me sure of myself and of you. You are the quiet comfort in the middle of the night and the sweet sunlight that floods the morning. You get it where others don’t, the same as I do you.

So I have come to realize that we all heal in our own time. We all heal differently. Even though some have done the self-work and have been on the path of healing, it doesn’t mean that the tender layers, in the core, don’t exist. It may just means we can touch them some days more than others. Some bury the past better than others, and some dont. I always think about the saying “you never know what someone is going through”, and we really dont.

So this is the fabric of life….

My favorite shirt of yours… because of our lessons and continuous growth. The patient people we are with each other and the impatient people we are with ourselves. The worn and tattered layers we came together with and the threads we are weaving together now to create the fabric of this life. Our new life.

Peace for your Sunday ❤

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And the reality of it is….

Life is ever-changing. Sometimes it is slow and steady, and sometimes it shakes the foundation of everything you know. Change…is constant and consistent even if we are unaware. Every. Single. Day.

I have learned a lot in life and not always in an easy manner. I have learned about forgiveness. Perhaps one of my greatest lessons is forgiveness. I have learned that when you pick someone up in their darkest hours it doesn’t mean that they will be there when you are merely treading water. Also that when you listen without judgement it wont necessarily be returned when you need it….not from where you thought it would.

Change…colors of leaves…thats what I think of first. Life is changing daily. New choices and decisions. New direction and roads.

The black pants and the white blouse? Hair up or down? Do people judge you because of your tattoos? Weird, random thoughts. Sometimes things just don’t make sense, and sometimes I know they aren’t supposed to.

A new day and a new page. Do you change the paper? Do you change the ink? Solid or lined? You just change.

And the reality of it is ….you go with the flow and learn to begin again. You learn to stop treading and start swimming again. To remember who you are and realize that you are a valuable human being.

And the reality is…you learn to forgive yourself for being hard on you.

Peace for your Saturday night and always.

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Day 250 ~ Self Talk

 

As I get ready, almost on a daily basis, I listen to something. Today I chose Tony Robbins: I am Not Your Guru. I know more about him in the last 30 minutes than I ever have, its enough to have caught my attention. I have no idea why I chose him, but I believe what we need comes right when we need it most. He picked a young woman out of the crowd and she began telling her story…at one point he said “Rejection breeds obsession”. And it was over, I was in. He also spoke about what I refer to as mantras. His was “I AM A FUCKING WARRIOR”. He said he would repeat it when he ran for an hour everyday and then after a period of time it was embedded in his mind. 

So its time again…to be mindful of how I speak to myself, to value my self more. I feel, sometimes like I am not good enough. A good enough parent, a good enough girlfriend, a good enough friend, not pretty enough, smart enough, not thin enough….the list is a mile long. I feel when people in my life look at me, they judge me and not in a positive light. I project my judgement of my self out into the Universe onto them….its almost like I ask them for this. I am so “obsessed” at making sure everyone is happy and taken care. This is part of my passion and purpose…to love and give in great lengths. I have been told by significant people in life that I give to everyone what I lacked in my life because I don’t ever want anyone to feel what I have felt. 

So I am going to back to my mantras when I work out or drive across town. They all begin with “I AM” and they are followed with the polarity of every thing negative I have felt or felt about my self. It will take time to correct the recent damage I have done with my words, but I know  that its possible…

 

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