Tag: self worth

Trauma

For the last few weeks I havent allowed myself the time or gathered the courage to sit down and get real with myself.

Questions come up and I lose myself in them….

Who made you feel like you werent enough? And why do you hang onto shit like that? Human beings, decent human beings should never, even in angry moments make another feel like they aren’t enough. Treatment that I have experienced surfaces in this moment. I am transported to some long ago memory, an unpleasant place in time. Fortunately it can be left where it is. In the dust and remenets of some other time.

Who made you feel like you werent smart enough? I have known people who speak to others like they have no knowledge or education. I like poeple like this as odd as that sounds, the phrase “if you give them enough rope, they will hang themselves” comes to mind. I am an observer by nature and to witness someone who thinks they know it all not really know anything at all is sometimes oddly satisfying.

Who made you feel like you were an option? Someone who you arent an option to any more?

When was it ever okay for someone to put their hands on you? I remember the first time….one of them anyway. This came a few times in life. As a young adult it was a shock. It caught me off guard, but throughout life it seems I was used to unpleasant events and so it, in some ways, seemed normal. (“Normal”, a woman I greatly admire cant stand that word…) so it became acceptable. I accepted things that were not okay.

Trauma changes us…

A normal day and a loud sound, or voice behind me when I am lost in thought and the PTSD kicks in. Sometimes it stays for days and sometimes it passes quickly. Sometimes its words. Sometimes is just sadness that sets in. An emotion finds its way to the surface where it hurts. An unhealed layer of some long ago place. Feelings of not being enough. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not good enough. I sift through them and I shove back the tears until I am alone, I quiet the sadness in the dark, and push aside the anger, because it doesn’t serve me…..because the truth is I am still healing. I find solace in words most often, and safety in the warmth of his arms, close to his heart.

There is no getting over the angry words, or heavy hands, or sheer fear inflicted by another human being. There is no getting over feeling irrelevant, second best or second choice. There is no getting over abuse, physical, mental…abuse is abuse.

There is no getting over it, only getting through it and learning to how to care for that part of ourselves that is still healing from trauma that most aren’t aware of.

So most days I wear my new life….with a quiet strength and some tenderness, knowing that I am getting through it and healing it the best way I know how.

5

Flaw..less

I have been thinking about flaws a lot recently. About people who point them out and how we feel when that happens. I think at some point in life we have all felt like we weren’t enough, we didn’t belong or that we weren’t wanted simply because of someone pointing out our flaws.

I always think before I speak, because of the way I have been spoken to you, The same with my actions, I stop and consider how that would feel if it was happening to me. This is the place in life I practice the pause the most.

Who are we to judge someone….anyone? What are flaws? Inadequacies? Who is someone to judge us by what they think is good enough or not?

Yes, I think this has been heavy recently.

So what if…

You don’t dress the way they think you should

You listen to music they don’t like

You laugh too loud

Or cry too much

or feel too deeply

Or work too hard with deep passion, even if its not ideal for some

We are all enough, flaws and all. We must learn this first. We must learn to accept and love ourselves wholly, which is not easy and not always a conscious thought. Your flaws are what make you perfect and at some point you will come across people who accept you…flaws and all. They will love the way you laugh and care.The way you accept people as they are, the way you love and what you stand for, Once you accept that being who you are is who you are meant to be…..you will realize that you are beautifully flawed.

And so its Saturday ❤

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Learned behaviors….

Who taught you to fear?

I have busied myself with little oddities tonight around the house and the echos of the eggshell dance have been present throughout the evening. I count the last few things that need to be done in the days and ahead and then the things beyond that. I am tired.

Moving, I moved so much in my childhood. So many memories discarded over the last few years and even more over the last few months. Things I never dreamed I would let go of have finally met their fate in the local landfill. I think I kept the most important things and I try not to consider the things I let go of too long or I will, like many other times, overthink. This brought up some old wounds and the dive into how and why I still practice old behaviors that also led to survival.

The eggshell dance….a learned behavior and a childhood coping mechanism. My conscious thoughts were “be quiet, be good, stay out of the way, tiptoe around the bubbling anger that could overflow at any moment”. A learned behavior to make sure I was safe. To make sure life was a little bit easier. Always watch-full, always, always aware, and always, always fearful.

Forward….I carried that learned behavior into my adult life and still practice it even today. Although I try not too, I realized tonight I still carry that programming with me. It sent me into scattered thoughts this evening, sifting, looking, digging in and trying to recall at what point I learned this or who taught me. Self taught I think, its been here so long I cant remember where it came from. It’s a thread in the fabric of my life that runs deep. I practice it more than I like to admit.

Everything will be okay, if everything is okay.

Never too much or too little, always trying to find the perfect balance and sometimes life just isnt like that. A lot, life isnt like that.

People will judge you and it will hurt. It can be a harsh judgement or a small one, sometimes the sting is the same.

So tonight I will consciously try not to spend too much more time on why I repeat this behavior and do my best to be more aware that I have no reason to be fear-full any more and just be……

Peace for your Monday evening ❤

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Writing out loud

I had some time today to think about now and what’s next. We have an iron in the fire which is really exciting. It means work, time and attention, but it will be ours. But I thought about something that I am forever doing , writing. I worked on pages, and pages, and pages over the last few years. Or maybe I have been working on pages since I was twelve.

I know that I always come back to this. It’s my constant. It soothes and heals, listens and advises when I look back on what’s been written. I am forever collecting words in some way, shape or form. Writing is like breathing for me, I can’t live without it.

I used to write on paper napkins several years ago and leave them in random places. I noticed yesterday at lunch I did this It was about being present, in the moment. Chances are in the particular restaurant we were in, they didn’t even look twice at the words. I don’t think they needed them, I think we did. It was a long day, one in which we never wavered, lost patience and we were never short with each other. It says a lot about who we are, as a couple and individually. He said to me that we are receptive to each others energy. Meaning one can remain calm as long as the other does, we feed off of each other. Anyways, my words were a reminder to be present in the moments we were in. We made it through yesterday without one bump or one short word.

Word…words…writing…and back to the task at hand.

I feel like I need to work on my pages again and do something with them. I have received some good feedback and some who disagree with what I write, but I welcome that. I feel it makes me grow as a writer.

So here’s to Writing out loud and what comes next

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Broken people….

We talk about people who hurt people, sometimes…

I have been thinking a lot about broken people today. Left unhealed or unwilling to do self-work and practice self love, they continue to break others. I know many women and men who have been broken and have given up on the thought of finding someone they can love and will love them in return.

Before I really got to know my life partner, a young woman I know spoke powerful words to me. She said “you will meet someone someday who wont need you to fix them and they wont want to fix you”. Our conversation continued about fixing other people and about the broken continuing to break people. I often think about the men and women who treat each other poorly and my first thought is….”how would you feel if this was done to your child, family member or friend?”. So the partner cheats, would you want your son or daughter to experience the heartache of someone she loves treating him or her this way?

There are so many broken people in this world and they continue to break the innocent because in some warped sense they justify their actions. I have said it before and it just came to mind again, “If you wouldn’t like it or want it done to you, DON’T DO IT!”.

Acceptance….Risk….Happiness

Acceptance…….In order to accept others I think we need to truly accept ourselves, all of our darkness and all of our light. We need to look back at the past and take the lessons that have been presented and move forward with that knowledge. Every obstacle and triumph will teach you something if you are willing to look. Someone will treat you like you are irrelevant and unloved only to show you what you really deserve, someone will treat you like you are not intelligent because they are intimidated by your knowledge. Someone may hold you down until you have no choice but to come up for air, fighting for yourself. We are all human and all worthy of valuable, healthy relationships with people who appreciate us.

Risk….Without risk there will be no reward. Even though you have been hurt, betrayed or broken, however you want to define it, you must find the strength to move beyond it. Self-care. There was a time I painted, or created in some way, my steadfast method of self-care takes the form of writing. It always has and will always be where I find the medicine of life that heals me. Replenishes the layers that have been peeled away. There was a time I sat for hours tying Mala’s (prayer beads). Seems interesting now to realize I was healing while tying prayer beads, but for a time thats where I found peace. I think we need to find an outlet and in it we will find the inner peace that was interrupted by circumstances within and beyond our control. Once I felt like I had time to process and decompress from life’s little messes I was able to consider risking again. I made new friends, after losing trust in old ones, I dated again…after, well, just after. That was risk-taking again to me. Finding strength to trust others in the aftermath of so much pain.

Happiness……Finally. I have been presented with a tremendous amount of happiness. For the first time I really feel like I am living the life I deserve. I never really felt like I deserved good things, I am not sure why. I just felt like I didn’t. I have a lot of good now….just incredibly good. All the bad situations laid ground work and taught me important lessons. I really appreciate the sweetness of life. Unhealed people taught me how they can and will break you, because that is all they know. I think these lessons, however painful, are important. I have learned how to let go, how to risk, and how to trust again. I know how to love and I now know what it feels like to be loved for who I am.

Someday, if you experience broken people, you need to find the strength to try again after you have taken care of yourself. Meet your needs, put yourself first, discover who you are, and find inner peace. You will find them, your people, the ones who know what it feels like to be broken and who would never inflict the pain they have felt on another. You will find people who you can trust, who you can love and love in return, who wont hurt you. And most importantly, wont bleed on you.

Peace in your Saturday evening…..

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No apology needed…..

Some days I struggle with the overwhelming need to apologize….for not being enough. Not smart enough, not good enough and even apologizing too much. I know what part of my life this came from and can even map out every point that led to here. I think that is just being aware of it now. I am grateful that I am able to see and learn from past.

In todays quiet moments, I caught myself questioning my intellect and if I was enough…and then why I was even questioning myself. I have never felt the need to be smarter or better than someone. We are all human. Some have degrees that hang on the wall, others have built empires and some don’t…but in the end we are all human beings and should treat each other with kindness.

So I have taken a few classes and courses. I have a few certificates that I could hang on the wall but they do not make me who I am. They were points of interest and though I came away with more knowledge I started with, it was the people I met along the way that taught me a great deal.

Every time I catch myself questioning my “self” or talking to my “self” in a demeaning way I think about all the good qualities I possess or how someone else would feel if I spoke to them with the same words I so boldly spoke to myself.

I wont apologize for how I live, love or give. This is who I am. No gray areas. So, yes, I will always be too much for some and just the right amount of too much for others.

But for today “in this moment” I am enough for me and that is more than enough ❤

Peace for you Saturday evening……

 

 

 

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Just a little more, just a little less

Just a little more sadness, a little more happiness, a little less memories and just a little more letting go. Sometimes its hard to realize the value that relationships have or lack thereof when there is no benefit for the other people. It is in the depth of trial that you will see the true colors of those who claimed they cared or they have love for you. Let your circumstances drastically change and see who you are left with. Believe me when I say change will filter out your life.

Change….inevitable

Change….growth

So here we grow….

Growth. Sometimes painful but always necessary to push forward.

I am an observer. I watch and collect thoughts, words and actions of others. I am patient because all will be revealed in time. I listen to the words that aren’t spoken, whats in between in the still silent moments. I watch the eyes and the actions. People reveal themselves. I just have a an unhealthy knack for believing that people are different, for giving second and third….and a million chances. I am working on this habit or pattern.

This morning I have a million thoughts running through my mind. One is that some people will complain about what others do to them and turn around and treat people who are in their life the same way. I don’t understand this behavior, but it’s not mine to understand. I am collecting it for future reference so that when and if it happens again I am aware and can avoid the situation.

I suppose I am dumping head trash this morning…thinking through writing. Exploring whats leaving, hopeful for whats ahead and settling into this new place in life. It carries many different emotions.

Through this change and growth if I have learned one thing, it is that I have strength. I have stood by people and carried them when they couldn’t or didn’t want to carry themselves. I have learned at the end of the day it comes down to me. We take care of ourselves, we are responsible for our own happiness and for how we accept and allow others to treat us.

Just a little less pain

Just a lot more safe

and

Just a little more wise…

Peace for your Monday

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I have written you a million different times

In as many different ways

On a hundred different days

You never change

The ink does

Blue

Black

and other shades too

Let me color your world

with my words

 

Let me in

where no one else has been

Let me show you what I see

in you

reflections

without rejections

tenderness

without hesitation

Lets dive

to the core

of all that is dark

and seek the light

to emerge

And dive

again

for

more

 

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Her list

She made a list once

Of the things that needed to be taken care of

When she wasn’t here any more

Who to call

and contact

and lean on

All the information needed

in the finality of life

And then she learned

about another lady who made a list

Much like hers

And she realized that it was

not the time for her list

So she tucked it away

Hoping and knowing

time heals

and mends

and changes

and sometimes it’s not good

to make lists like hers

 

 

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