Enough….

You will never be enough for someone who isn’t ready for someone like you. I have observed that it doesn’t really matter how well you love, give or do for someone who isn’t ready for someone like you, it will never be enough.

I went to the market last night and there is a manager there who is always happy and friendly. Even when it’s insanely busy and people are incredibly short, Bobby always has a kind word and a smile for everyone. So as he was helping me I asked him plainly…”what is the secret to life?” He said “To truly know yourself. You are in charge of what you allow someone to take from you. You accept how they treat you, to truly know yourself and your worth is the key”. I think I could have stayed in that line for another half hour receiving his wisdom. Everyone teaches us something, it’s up to us to receive and accept the knowledge. I accepted it….and went home clearer than I was when I arrived.

We are responsible for the energy we give away and the time and effort that is not reciprocated.  We are responsible for how we allow people to treat us. A few things to consider:

  • What is your worth?
  • What are your values?
  • Do you seek these values in the person you are dating or interested in? Do you seek them in the people you surround yourself with?
  • What makes you happy?
  • Do you settle for less than you deserve? Why?
  • What qualities are important to you? Shouldn’t you seek friends or relationships with people who share the same qualities?
  • What do you want for your future?

 

Its important not to waste people’s time or let them waste yours.

I wouldn’t change or take back the things in life that have happened to me, I would not be who I am or know the amazing people who add quality to my days. I know my worth, but the strange part is that I allow people in my life who don’t know or acknowledge it. I know what I want in friendships and a relationship. I can honestly say that the friendships I have now are good, strong friendships that have been in place as far back as 35 years. That says something to me…it says a lot.

Certain experiences have made me a little more guarded, lessons received. I know that some situations repeat themselves until you have had enough and choose change. At some point we will be vulnerable again with others and open ourselves to love and change and more importantly chance.

Chance, Change, Clarity and Certainty

Be mindful of how much of yourself you give to someone who you aren’t enough for…in the end it’s not you who isn’t enough. Some are just never satisfied.

Some of my favorite words “We only pass by this way once”.

So, Peace for you Saturday and for 2018

 

 

Contemplating my next move….

That’s one of my favorite things to say when someone asks me what I am doing. It usually throws them off….but aren’t we always contemplating our next move??

So what exactly is next?

I sat in humble gratitude early Christmas morning for all the good people and things in my life. Especially my child. I even honor the not so great parts and the people who have caused me pain on many levels that was never deserved. They have taught me so much. Life sure has had a lot of ups and downs for me this past year and I know that I will not repeat that in 2018.

Twice in a matter of months I have made lists to the Universe of what I want in life. Really simple, yet it seems some of the hardest to appear. I must not be ready for the good things yet. Or maybe it’s that we don’t truly know how to accept what we want when it appears. Or maybe we are so blinded by the things we have been through that we are unwilling to take the risk to taste a better life. Shouldn’t you wish the same for you that you would wish for people in your life??

So this is what’s next….2018

A selfish year. My year. More me. I deserve better than I get and then I accept. Isn’t it funny what we are willing to give or do for others and we don’t even allow ourselves a tiny fraction of that. Yes, more me. More kindness….better self talk. More trips and less stress. More love, always more love. Wisdom to know that I need to treat myself as well as I treat others. More deep conversation and writing…yes, so much more writing. Adventures….are so needed and welcomed. Maybe I should be the one who randomly calls a friend at 2 am to see the city while it sleeps. Or walking in the rain. Lets all be selfish this year. It doesn’t mean being unkind to others, but happiness starts within…its not selfish to take care of you. When you are truly happy with who you are everything falls into place. I am so ready for 2018.

 

Peace for your Friday night ❤

Someone’s someone……

Listening is the art of entering the skin of the other
and wearing it for a time as if it were your own.
– David Spangler –

 

After a sleepless night and a long conversation with a girlfriend this morning I found myself here. I love this quote from David Spangler, its perfect. Everyone has a story that needs to be told or emotions that need to be expressed and acknowledged.

As we spoke I listened to her tell me about situations in her life and how they are repetitive. How other situations keep coming up but she doesn’t take the risk to see if they are worth anything or can propel her forward. She is comfortable and uncomfortable where she is. Its familiar.

They say that if its making you uncomfortable, its forcing you to change.

Anyway, I think of her life and her children. I support her and lift her up with words of encouragement. I am her “someone” who will always been here. At 4 am when she can’t sleep or at 5 pm when she wants to chat.

Anyway….the thing that brought me here is chances and opportunity. I think life hands us what we are ready for what we need. It is up to us to see the good or bad, or maybe to take the risk which may send us to something wonderful.

Do you honor and value yourself enough to know what you deserve?

Are you someones “someone” who listens without judgment and with love?

Can you put yourself in another’s shoes or skin and see life from their point of view?

What you accept is what will continue…..give yourself credit where credit is due. I feel we can say to ourselves that we have done a good job or we are good people. Self talk is an important part of self-care. It’s so easy to tell someone about their worth. IF you have poor self talk habits think about this…would you stand by and allow someone to speak to another the way you speak to yourself? If the answer is no, its time to adjust your thoughts and words about yourself.

So today….just be someone’s someone ❤

Welcome home…..

A little food for thought this Sunday morning…..

After spending a significant part of the last two days digging deeply into feelings and thoughts I have come to some really good realizations. We heal ourselves, emotions and otherwise when given time.

I have thought I was less than what I am because of actions and words of another. It can really mess with your mindset and self-esteem if you allow it. And dammit, I allowed that.

I know that I am worthy of a lot. When I spoke the words out loud last night and again this morning that I had been thinking, they really hit home. I know a lot of us have felt like we aren’t worthy, lovable, wanted or desired. At some point we have allowed others to plant seeds of doubt about who we are…be it by the words they speak or the way they act. I could list many instances, but are they worth it? Respect the people in your life…think about your actions or words and how you would feel if the same was done to you?

I don’t want to be anyone else. I don’t want to be someone I am not to please someone else. Been there, done that. Not worth it. In the end you will hurt yourself and you will hurt the people who thought they knew you. I choose me now. Choose to be authentic and still be vulnerable even though this world is filled with people who prey upon people like us. In the end they will be rewarded for the behavior they have bestowed upon others. It is not for us to repay their kindness (a little sarcasm here) or lack thereof. Life deals your hand.

I know what I am worthy of and more over what I am capable of. I am a good person with a good heart and choose to see the best in people. I stay too long and love too much. I look for the good and turn a cheek to the bad, I really need to work on that. They say when you meet someone and they tell you who they are, believe them. Damn….BELIEVE THEM! That is probably my biggest lesson over the last few years. If you aren’t enough for someone, you will be for someone else. Remember who you are, where you came and what you have been through…this has shaped you.

Remember……

You are worthy

You are capable

You are loved

You are beautiful/handsome

You are greatness

You are intelligent

You are desirable

You are everything YOU choose to be

Welcome home…

 

Peace for your Sunday ❤

 

It’s always darkest before the dawn….its morning

 

Gratitude

I have thought about a lot over the last few weeks and mostly today about what I am grateful for. The list is long and not all of it good. But I thought since its time to heal some wounds and resolve some issues….its time to write again.

I woke up less than happy this morning (Wednesday) …probably because I went to bed with a few things on my mind. Sometimes that happens. I am not one of those people who can lay down and fall instantly to sleep, unless I am exhausted, even then it takes time.

I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in this life so far. For knowing how to treat people and having manners when a lot of people don’t. For the sadness, happiness and anger I have experienced. And for my time alone. I am making it and I depend on….Oh! No one, except myself. It’s not a great thing but not a bad thing either. Sometimes alone is not so bad and some times the quiet is overwhelming.

My heart is grateful for the little man who you lived with me for almost 14 years and shared all my lessons with me. I miss him every day. I went to fill his bowl today and realized (again) he isn’t here any more. I want to go get him from where ever he is and bring him home. Talking about him is getting easier. His bed and treasures are still in the living room and I still long for his face in the window.

The young woman who sleeps down the hall from me most days. My daughter….I love her so much. I look at her in wonder and awe and hope in her heart of hearts she knows her Mama always has her no matter what. Crazy smart and strong. Thats my girl ❤

So I woke up less than happy this morning…for no particular reason. It’s funny how random strangers and good people in your life can change it all in matter of minutes. I had a few errands to run this morning and it unlocked the fullness of life for me. I appreciate the things I have and I am able to do. Sure, there are a few things in life I would like to have, not materialistically, but everything comes when it’s supposed too and when we are ready for it. I saw my friend this morning and her loving spirit and kind heart are always a reminder there are still good people in this world. She is one of those people who I met and felt like I always knew. She is an amazing woman. She gave me  birthday gifts, a beautiful throw and a new journal that says Blessed…but the card. I am such a card person. I take the time to make sure what I pick is heart-felt. Her card was perfect and heartfelt. Somehow I ended up in a conversation with a stranger. It started very general and included compliments. Isnt funny that some of the greatest compliments come when you aren’t feeling your best? It must be the Universe knowing that is when we need them the most. Then it turned to birthday wishes, astrological signs and easy conversation. The whole experience lightened my day.

I am grateful for….

People who arrive too late

Who stay too long

Who leave too early

and wait too long to say how they feel

For the ones who weren’t and aren’t nice and the ones who reach out with kind words that remind you who you are, where you have been and your strength. For smiles and words with random people, for ignorance from the familiar too. For the ones the who make you question your place and the ones who reassure you of it.

Blessed am I to have the experiences, the people and wisdom I have gained from all of it. These are just some of the things I am grateful for.

Peace for your Friday

and Gratitude of course ❤

Be Gentle With Yourself…..

A small crack in life has turned into a gaping wound. I am tired and sad and it all feels irrevocable. Over the last several weeks I have had enough. My cup is finally empty and I am not even sure where to turn to replenish it. I know that I have learned that I can only count on myself at the end of the day. I have been observing as a participant for….well, for as long as I can remember but its amazing when you breakdown and really look at the whole picture from the inside and outside. Who do you count on? Me? I count on myself and lean on myself and sometimes it just sucks…no other way to say it. I am alone…I would say aren’t we all…but I don’t feel that way. I have so many things I want and they are so simple and I am just not sure how to get there….maybe by letting go of attachment to what I desire. I know that’s how it works, an incredible experience that I have repeatedly witnessed in my life.  It’s not even materialistic….unless you consider eventually buying a home. But I can do that on my own. Plan B….yep, I am my own plan B, hell, I am my own A as well. People can’t handle what they say they want….and rarely, if ever stay true to their word.  That is the experience in my life.

I have no room for anger at myself. How can you be angry when all you have done is give and do your best to make people happy or help out?  It’s never enough….never. And I AM responsible for my own needs and happiness…this I know. I am just so fucking tired and see no end or no way to fix what is. I try to read positive mantras and I can’t even get through them. Even words aren’t finding a way in….but I suppose being here they are finding a way out which is helpful. I am tired of putting on a smile when it’s not even genuine.

Fourth, fifth,…..eighteenth place….where do you fall in line with people in your life? It just doesn’t feel good not to care about much.

Two days later…

Here.

Here is sad and lonely.

I reach for any remnants of happiness. What is happiness? Is anyone ever really happy? And lonely…it is what it is. My life is not how I imagined it to be….are our lives ever  really the way they picture them to be? I need and I am alone. I have taken Facebook and messenger off of my phone. We spend too much time on social media and not being social with our own. What is that? What a fucked up place to be in. And its all negative bullshit now….political, about bad relationship choices or how do you know if he is lying or cheating or wants you….what kind of friend are you? Or messages from immature people and when you go to respond they…poof….disappear. So much shit in life….people fishing for attention when you want to yell GROW THE FUCK UP and be grateful for what you have. Damn, so many think its a dating site or lets say trolling site. People are never satisfied with what they have or just completely take it for granted.

Lets talk….

I broke yesterday….broke…broken…irreparable? Who fucking knows? I am sick inside. I have no one to blame but myself. Physically sick. All I need is a place to land right now…silence, kindness, peace and a kind heart that doesn’t judge, just gets it. Arms to crawl into and forget about what fills my space at this moment. Where? Imagine that….if you aren’t giving then you can’t get. I am angry and hurt. Fix it….yeah right. I am always the happy one who handles life and its challenges well….well, until I broke. No one wants to hear others “things” or they cant hear above their own. Thank the Universe for the one friend who understands and texts me the morning after to make sure I made it.

Mad? Fuck yeah!

Hateful? Today, yes.

Forgiving? Always

Lessons are always hard. Sometimes reality sucks and you need it to shake you to realize you are important.

I am very into intuition and listening for what I need….the only thing I can hear today is:

Be Gentle With Yourself

I am so hard on me. I have come to this understanding that the advice I would give my friend or friends is the advice I should take for myself…thats a hard pill to swallow. Right now in this moment I can only think that I need to be gentle with myself. I deserve good people, love and things in my life. I know I do….I just don’t know how to accept that I am deserving.

My anger and hate have subsided somewhat….I need to forgive myself for being so hard on me. I need to find gratitude in knowing I can be alone and take care of myself. In crawling into my bed alone when a lot of people in this world are suffering and would be grateful for the space I occupy.  I need to be grateful that people in my life show me my worth to them….even if it’s not pleasant.

Be Gentle With Yourself

Because after all…who better to treat you good than you.

 

Sense of self

There is something exhilarating about diving into the unknown. Who knows what tomorrow holds? We need to live in the moment. Dreaming in color….free falling into everything and nothing. Holding on for a while and letting go. The ground you are familiar with falls out from under you and before you know it you are alive again….dark moments fade, loneliness subsides slowly and you feel at home in your skin. I have spent countless nights alone so it’s not about being alone…but I was so lonely. I have familiarized myself with me again. Found my company enjoyable and complete. I write, I clean, I breathe and feel at home in my space. Safe from heartache for the time being. Safe from whatever lurks on the other side of my front door.

Its been a while since I have been myself, I traveled to a place of darkness and became someone I didn’t recognize. Here I am, breathing, not figuring it out, but letting it flow. Growth is powerful and lessons are necessary to realize who you are where you need to be. There is no control over what happens…it just happens. People you love hurt you and you learn what is acceptable and what isn’t. You grow wiser and stronger, you readjust your wings and begin again. A new direction, a new mindset, a brand new you.

To live a happy life….this is my desire. I have to be happy within myself before I can be happy anywhere else in life. I have to start to love me again….I know I am not unlovable although for a long time I felt that way. We are such harsh, judgmental beings when it comes to self. It’s so easy for me to love and forgive others to extremes, but when it comes to me…not so easy.

So here I am, another Thursday of my life. A good Thursday, appointments to be kept, calls to be returned and some me time.

I have a great sense of self….on this Thursday in my life.

Solace in Words

Words are the only place I can find solace.

When my heart hurts, when life is hard and yes, even when its the best. This is the only place I know to come. They save me from certain destruction…they also celebrate my greatest joys with me.

I am lost lately. I seek to feed my soul and this is the only way I know how, yet recently it isn’t enough. I know when things aren’t right in my life, intuition, and lately I chose to ignore it, only for it to come to light later. I know that I should listen when something tells me there is more to what is before me. You see I have always listened to the words that aren’t spoken and I pay very careful attention to those around me. More often than not they think that I am naive to the situation but I am not. Thus hurt feelings and second guessing my worth to those individuals. Enough? Imagine that…..

Sleepless nights turn into drug out days…random tears, fake smiles. It’s so easy to hide in front of people. When I am alone at night my demons come out to play. They put in my face everything I have put off, everything I hide. I have a habit of seeking temporary happiness in material items. Things that aren’t necessary. Then comes guilt and shame. It’s not often that I do this because I have a tendency to take better care of those around than taking care of myself. It’s just easier.

So here I am…functioning on maybe three hours of sleep, knowing something is off right now….and waiting for it to show up.

 

Day 250 ~ Self Talk

 

As I get ready, almost on a daily basis, I listen to something. Today I chose Tony Robbins: I am Not Your Guru. I know more about him in the last 30 minutes than I ever have, its enough to have caught my attention. I have no idea why I chose him, but I believe what we need comes right when we need it most. He picked a young woman out of the crowd and she began telling her story…at one point he said “Rejection breeds obsession”. And it was over, I was in. He also spoke about what I refer to as mantras. His was “I AM A FUCKING WARRIOR”. He said he would repeat it when he ran for an hour everyday and then after a period of time it was embedded in his mind. 

So its time again…to be mindful of how I speak to myself, to value my self more. I feel, sometimes like I am not good enough. A good enough parent, a good enough girlfriend, a good enough friend, not pretty enough, smart enough, not thin enough….the list is a mile long. I feel when people in my life look at me, they judge me and not in a positive light. I project my judgement of my self out into the Universe onto them….its almost like I ask them for this. I am so “obsessed” at making sure everyone is happy and taken care. This is part of my passion and purpose…to love and give in great lengths. I have been told by significant people in life that I give to everyone what I lacked in my life because I don’t ever want anyone to feel what I have felt. 

So I am going to back to my mantras when I work out or drive across town. They all begin with “I AM” and they are followed with the polarity of every thing negative I have felt or felt about my self. It will take time to correct the recent damage I have done with my words, but I know  that its possible…

 

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