Just tired…..

I have been apprehensive about coming here, about emptying the clutter I have collected in my head and heart over the last several months. I know my inner critic is at its very best as of late…but what the hell!!

Why should I fear what someone will think?

So I was working on this piece about being 50 and all the bits and pieces that brought me to that point in time. Birthdays haven’t always been good, not that they have been horrible…but some of them were just another day. Ruined by alcohol, as a lot of things in this life have been.

So I sit in the middle of our huge bed and reflect on a lot…a lot of good and bad in the last 50 years…and I will be okay, because I always am, somehow, I always am. Just when I think I cant take any more I summon the strength to handle the next thing.

I am tired, really fucking tired.

I thank my Creator for routine, it helps me make it through. I am thankful for the people who see me, really see me, and are still here. I have an amazing community of kind and loving people who surround me daily, from the moment I wake up, until my head hits the pillow at night. Those who know my character and who I am, who haven’t wavered, who are steadfast and true.

Life shifts and changes. Trust is given and broken. People…well, some people just aren’t good. I have survived a lot of shit in this life and I am still here, how? I have no idea, but I am.

So write hard about the things that hurt….

My best childhood friend who I have know for 37 years is losing her Mom as I put these words down. My heart breaks for her. Cancer is a vicious bitch. I cant even hold her….I can only be here for her.

My sister…my poor, sweet sister. She lost her Mom in February and her husband a week ago. Her heart is broken and she is alone….so far from me.

And being afraid to write because I may hurt someone…..what about me? I hold it in and I destroy myself because this is how I HEAL….I write and write and write and at some point it makes sense.

The truth is I am hurt and reaching a breaking point. I cry when I am alone, a lot more than I will ever admit.

And I am angry, so fucking angry. You never know what people will do to you. And I am tired of being guarded because people are just shitty sometimes.

I am just really tired….its enough already.

One year ago

Watching you from the kitchen while I wait for the coffee to finish and I drop into a moment from a year ago.

One year ago I had very little direction, something I wasn’t used to. My future seemed very unclear. The job I had disappeared and I faced a lot of uncertainties. I applied and applied. I was consumed with searching for work. It was the first time in many, many years that I had nowhere to go and no where to be.

You pass by the window where I am sitting and I think about what triggered me to come to this moment and space. It is how I feel and see myself now. And of course the way you see me, the way you love me and the random kiss in line at the store.

One year ago I never thought the life I live now was even possible. I look at my picture and I am not even the same person I was then. I was unhappy and trying to figure it out.

With the reassurance from friends, long time and recent. I picked up and filled my days with work, the gym and what little life I held together. Not really living, but existing.

I know now more than ever that I am a survivor and I have strength that a few never gave me credit for.

There was a particular conversation where I was told, “I promise you something better will be on the other side of this”. Those words will stay with me for the rest of my days and I pass them on when I can.

So the other side of this was certainty, stability, a job I love, a man who I love more and more every day. A quiet, easy balance to life that I have never felt before.

Sometimes we stay up too late and sleep in

And sometimes we talk a lot or not at all, but there is always, always something to say or share

We drive to Boulder City for breakfast and it doesn’t work out

But we are so present, in everything

So when you stuck your head in the back door I had already dropped into the moment of gratitude for the life I have now and the life I have with you.

So this life is a better life than one year ago…

Always remember that whatever struggles you experience in your life something better will be on the other side of them ….


48 hours ago

 

48 hours ago

I touched some old wounds

I remembered how hurt I’ve been

I felt the tears well

And the pain come up

Never enough

Or

Somehow too much

48 hours ago

I allowed myself a few tears

12 hours later a few more

And again this evening

I seek meaning

I teeter for hours

And moments

And a few days

48 hours ago

I was reminded how much I’ve endured

How many times I set myself aside

And all the hurt feelings I held in

48 hours ago I embraced the woman I am and the knowledge that I will never change

But yet….

I’m so different from 48 hours ago

Prompt U…. #1

So I have fallen in love with prompt writing because of this amazing Virgo woman I write with!! So what should it be tonight??

Strong Female Friendships

I have been so fortunate over the years with the women who have shown up in my life. They say you have different friends for different parts of your life and I believe it. Marriage, divorce, life, death, struggles and triumphs. Somehow we pick each other up when no one else can. I know on many occasions they were the reason I was able to find my strength. Sometimes we need the simple reminder of who we are and what we are capable of. We need to be valued and loved at our depth and we are nurturers by nature so this comes easily to us.

I am fortunate enough to have friends that I have known for more than 35 years. We may have had some struggles or in between times when we didn’t communicate but we were able to pick back up where we left off and where we meet is much richer than where we left.

I could list them all and all of the roles they have played in my life, but you know who you are and where we stand.

Crazy friends, supportive, I’ll be there in 10 minute friends. Can I borrow you car or even your clothes friends. Take me to the hospital I am in labor and bitch don’t leave me friends. Drunk phone call friends. Friends who show up right on time friends. And she bonds you friends. Unconditional love friends. Know your worth friends. Drink that shit friends. I love you friends. Walking for miles friends. A jar of pickle eating friends. To name a few friends…Oh and you hooker…I am your private investigator friend!!! The artist and the writer friends…the intuitive and astrology friends. The healers and dealers (being funny) friends. The let me come over and drink tequila friends. The stop calling me when you are drunk friend. I am so incredibly lucky to have friends like these. I could never name them all here and never, ever be able to thank them enough.

Oh and I always love new friends….

 

Thank you Virgo writer woman friend!! Thank you ❤

 

 

The #metoo Movement

I sat back last night and started to see the #metoo movement unfold. At first I was a just a bystander and then I thought “what are you afraid of?”. So I shared the post as well. This morning I am amazed at the amount of women, my sisters, friends, strangers who are sharing. I am also amazed at the amount who stay silent. I honor them as well. Some of them are not able to confront that part of their history and maybe they never will. We love you none the less and we will be your voice when you cannot. I know that many don’t feel they can share because of how family or friends will react. That is exactly why many of us chose to stay silent for so long. We hear your silent voices.

I learned a few years ago that you will always share threads with people in life (Thanks T). You can sit in a crowded room and you will find people who will say, “me too” to your life experiences. We are all connected. This morning I sit in honor of all of you, even the silent.

This will be my first post I share on Facebook and there are many of you that I would like to tag but I wont. Please feel free to drop a heart, a comment or maybe just some love for someone you know has experienced this.

Peace for your Monday

 

Would you care to dance?

I stand next to you

close enough to feel the warmth of your body

but I don’t touch you

Have we met before?

I can smell the scent of your body

strong and protected from your day

I crave you

in the most innocent ways

searching for deep satisfaction

blinded by the human eye

I have learned my demons well , I suppose

they are old friends now

I trace the razor-sharp edges

of the monsters you call your own

Fear is non-existent

instead I welcome them

and ask them if they

would care to dance…..

 

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