Tag: stress

Do you ever have one of those days…

You know the ones…where you just cant breathe?? Where inhaling takes all the effort you have and exhaling feels like you’ve been under water way too long and you have to try to remember how to breathe.

Dinner at the counter, standing, where I am comfortable. Bird is singing a little, Hec is behind me asleep on the rug, Tito across the room on his bed. The wind is blowing again and again and….again.

Yea, one of those days…

Where you turn a corner and another and another…you can’t breathe because every time you catch your breath it happens again.

When I was little my Mom had this chair. It was so big, I would put my head on one arm and curl into a ball and there was still room. It was safe. I could stay there alone forever. I could breathe, safe from the monsters and everything else that was wrong in an 8 year olds life. I need that chair today.

I tend to repeat the words “I don’t know” when I cant put together my thoughts and I cant breathe. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know….do you ever have one of those days? Where everything is overwhelming? Where it starts small and turns into some horrible anomaly?

So today is just one of those days….and when the night ends and I slip into the comfort of our bed, and the dark of the room, I will remember what it feels like to breathe again.

Peace for your Wednesday ❤

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And the reality of it is….

Life is ever-changing. Sometimes it is slow and steady, and sometimes it shakes the foundation of everything you know. Change…is constant and consistent even if we are unaware. Every. Single. Day.

I have learned a lot in life and not always in an easy manner. I have learned about forgiveness. Perhaps one of my greatest lessons is forgiveness. I have learned that when you pick someone up in their darkest hours it doesn’t mean that they will be there when you are merely treading water. Also that when you listen without judgement it wont necessarily be returned when you need it….not from where you thought it would.

Change…colors of leaves…thats what I think of first. Life is changing daily. New choices and decisions. New direction and roads.

The black pants and the white blouse? Hair up or down? Do people judge you because of your tattoos? Weird, random thoughts. Sometimes things just don’t make sense, and sometimes I know they aren’t supposed to.

A new day and a new page. Do you change the paper? Do you change the ink? Solid or lined? You just change.

And the reality of it is ….you go with the flow and learn to begin again. You learn to stop treading and start swimming again. To remember who you are and realize that you are a valuable human being.

And the reality is…you learn to forgive yourself for being hard on you.

Peace for your Saturday night and always.

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Someone once asked….

And someone once asked her what she wanted…

She wanted to sit in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon and work on the book that she had written a million times in her mind. She wanted to feed her soul with the things she felt most connected to. Words.

Her friends painted and wrote, weaved and crafted treasures for little shops and big. They took pictures of objects and people who fed their souls. They healed their wounds by creating beautiful pieces and places in this life. They left their mark. Yes, she wanted to leave a mark in this life that had meaning.

What did she want? Peace, calm…steady, easy rhythm to life. Not a roller coaster and of ifs and maybes. She wanted certainty. She wanted rain, coffee shops and bookstores. Tea and rosemary, lavender and honey…random simplicities. Big coffee mugs and good people. She wants to listen and be heard, to lift people up and kneel down with…laugh, cry and live life with.

She learned about crows and eagles alone on a desolate road at 12:40 am on a Wednesday morning. She knew about darkness and diving into the depths of it and resurfacing with some clarity. She knew about sleeping and rising alone, and feeling connected and disconnected from life and people.

But it wasnt about what she knew, it was about what she wanted.

Love and happiness……pens and paper….paint and canvas.

Life.

Today she wanted life more than yesterday.

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Coffee with you this morning

I sat across from her listening to her reveal the layers of her life while we sipped coffee this morning. Warm, comforting goodness in a rather large cup and the security of knowing her secrets were safe with me (and yes, she knows I am writing this).

We discussed why things happen the way they do and why life can’t be a little more gentle. I told her maybe if we were more gentle with ourselves the Universe would return it to us.

You see, she has been in a situation that is not healthy for her mind, body and soul..and hardest on her heart. I told her you cannot expect someone to treat you as you treat them. It doesn’t always work out that way. Show up, be authentic and hope that you are interacting with a decent human being.

She told me that the relationship she has been in is one-sided for, well, for a very long time. I am sad for her. She deserves so much better. The people who this other person chooses to look at or pay attention to are so different from her and would never treat her counterpart as well as she does.

Her eyes fell to her hands wrapped around her cup and tears silently ran down her cheeks.

I wonder how people can treat people so poorly and not even think twice about it. How they can justify their actions in their mind as okay? If she isn’t what you want, set her free. She deserves kindness, love, friendship and most of all respect and loyalty.

She deserves what she gives to you.

She is well put together, takes care of her self and her responsibilities and there she is trying to save remnants of something…something….I can’t even classify what she is trying to save. Her heart? Her sanity? They have destroyed her….weakened her. She allowed it. She is partially to blame, but so are they. It’s amazing to me that some people can’t take responsibility for their actions that caused cracks in the foundation of a relationship. Its easier to lay blame on the innocent and make them feel like it was their fault that they stayed, tried and tolerated bullshit that they shouldn’t have. Wouldn’t you want someone to give you a second chance if you messed up? And when she did it was met with more secrets and betrayal.

I get her Kleenex and hug her. She cries and we sit in silence for a while. I shift the conversation to some small vacations I want to take this year…she has some interest. She thinks about going to see family or friends in California for a few days. There are things to see in life and good people still exist out there. Life will move forward and time will ease the emotions she feels.

She asks why? I have no logical answer why she lets this happen. There are people who remind her of who she is, where she has been and what she is worth. I know there are people who would love her wholly in a moment if she allowed them. And while I understand they are not for her, I just try to comfort her by telling her there is someone who would appreciate the woman she is.

So here is to the security of good friends, warm cups of coffee, the things in life that pull us to together because of whats torn us apart.

It’s a new day…..

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Christmas again……

Christmas time….families, tradition, celebration and stress.

Today I can’t wait for January.

New year, new beginnings and new mind-set.

When we relate the holidays with stress and worry they tend to become less important. People aren’t always grateful for what they have or what they receive. Some have more than others and some gifts aren’t enough. Holidays are about more than gifts. To me they are about spending time with those who mean the most, sharing meals, laughing and loving each other. Easy, heartfelt, memorable moments.

I will probably touch a few nerves here, but here we go……

Holidays changed for me during my separation when a couple of members of my family went to my now ex husbands house. So spending that first year alone was a real eye opener and an awakening for me. I enjoyed my time with Buster and sitting on my couch  with my tree lit and candles burning. It was ok to be alone, no worries about what I got someone, if it would be enough or if you could see the gratefulness or lack of happiness in their eyes when they opened it. That is the meaning of Christmas???

I wonder what other people think about Christmas….are they financially struggling to meet all the expectations? Are they pulled in many directions? Are they alone or in a crowd of people? Are they enjoying the simple quiet pleasures of life? The moments that matter most….is there humble gratitude in their hearts for the things in this life that are important?

We, as people are a mess. We have lost so much…or maybe we never had it and that’s why for a lot it’s about the materialistic things they will receive. Ask the person who has lost someone, or hasn’t been spoken to or spoken to family in years what they would be grateful for if they could steal those times back? I bet it would be a lot different from anything that money could buy.

I am tired….and we are less than two weeks away.

Well I wish for everyone a holiday season, however you celebrate, with moments of happiness to tuck into your heart and carry with you for your time. Humble gratitude and clarity for who and what you have in your life.

And finally peace in your soul.

Heres looking forward to 2018 ❤

 

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