One year ago

Watching you from the kitchen while I wait for the coffee to finish and I drop into a moment from a year ago.

One year ago I had very little direction, something I wasn’t used to. My future seemed very unclear. The job I had disappeared and I faced a lot of uncertainties. I applied and applied. I was consumed with searching for work. It was the first time in many, many years that I had nowhere to go and no where to be.

You pass by the window where I am sitting and I think about what triggered me to come to this moment and space. It is how I feel and see myself now. And of course the way you see me, the way you love me and the random kiss in line at the store.

One year ago I never thought the life I live now was even possible. I look at my picture and I am not even the same person I was then. I was unhappy and trying to figure it out.

With the reassurance from friends, long time and recent. I picked up and filled my days with work, the gym and what little life I held together. Not really living, but existing.

I know now more than ever that I am a survivor and I have strength that a few never gave me credit for.

There was a particular conversation where I was told, “I promise you something better will be on the other side of this”. Those words will stay with me for the rest of my days and I pass them on when I can.

So the other side of this was certainty, stability, a job I love, a man who I love more and more every day. A quiet, easy balance to life that I have never felt before.

Sometimes we stay up too late and sleep in

And sometimes we talk a lot or not at all, but there is always, always something to say or share

We drive to Boulder City for breakfast and it doesn’t work out

But we are so present, in everything

So when you stuck your head in the back door I had already dropped into the moment of gratitude for the life I have now and the life I have with you.

So this life is a better life than one year ago…

Always remember that whatever struggles you experience in your life something better will be on the other side of them ….


Broken people….

We talk about people who hurt people, sometimes…

I have been thinking a lot about broken people today. Left unhealed or unwilling to do self-work and practice self love, they continue to break others. I know many women and men who have been broken and have given up on the thought of finding someone they can love and will love them in return.

Before I really got to know my life partner, a young woman I know spoke powerful words to me. She said “you will meet someone someday who wont need you to fix them and they wont want to fix you”. Our conversation continued about fixing other people and about the broken continuing to break people. I often think about the men and women who treat each other poorly and my first thought is….”how would you feel if this was done to your child, family member or friend?”. So the partner cheats, would you want your son or daughter to experience the heartache of someone she loves treating him or her this way?

There are so many broken people in this world and they continue to break the innocent because in some warped sense they justify their actions. I have said it before and it just came to mind again, “If you wouldn’t like it or want it done to you, DON’T DO IT!”.

Acceptance….Risk….Happiness

Acceptance…….In order to accept others I think we need to truly accept ourselves, all of our darkness and all of our light. We need to look back at the past and take the lessons that have been presented and move forward with that knowledge. Every obstacle and triumph will teach you something if you are willing to look. Someone will treat you like you are irrelevant and unloved only to show you what you really deserve, someone will treat you like you are not intelligent because they are intimidated by your knowledge. Someone may hold you down until you have no choice but to come up for air, fighting for yourself. We are all human and all worthy of valuable, healthy relationships with people who appreciate us.

Risk….Without risk there will be no reward. Even though you have been hurt, betrayed or broken, however you want to define it, you must find the strength to move beyond it. Self-care. There was a time I painted, or created in some way, my steadfast method of self-care takes the form of writing. It always has and will always be where I find the medicine of life that heals me. Replenishes the layers that have been peeled away. There was a time I sat for hours tying Mala’s (prayer beads). Seems interesting now to realize I was healing while tying prayer beads, but for a time thats where I found peace. I think we need to find an outlet and in it we will find the inner peace that was interrupted by circumstances within and beyond our control. Once I felt like I had time to process and decompress from life’s little messes I was able to consider risking again. I made new friends, after losing trust in old ones, I dated again…after, well, just after. That was risk-taking again to me. Finding strength to trust others in the aftermath of so much pain.

Happiness……Finally. I have been presented with a tremendous amount of happiness. For the first time I really feel like I am living the life I deserve. I never really felt like I deserved good things, I am not sure why. I just felt like I didn’t. I have a lot of good now….just incredibly good. All the bad situations laid ground work and taught me important lessons. I really appreciate the sweetness of life. Unhealed people taught me how they can and will break you, because that is all they know. I think these lessons, however painful, are important. I have learned how to let go, how to risk, and how to trust again. I know how to love and I now know what it feels like to be loved for who I am.

Someday, if you experience broken people, you need to find the strength to try again after you have taken care of yourself. Meet your needs, put yourself first, discover who you are, and find inner peace. You will find them, your people, the ones who know what it feels like to be broken and who would never inflict the pain they have felt on another. You will find people who you can trust, who you can love and love in return, who wont hurt you. And most importantly, wont bleed on you.

Peace in your Saturday evening…..

The end of 2018

As this year comes to a close I can only feel gratitude for the many changes I have experienced. The heartaches and happiness, the highs and lows. Especially the challenges that made me aware of what I am made of and the strength I carry.

I think of the masks that fell away to reveal the true intentions of those I thought I knew so well. The sad goodbyes and amazing new hellos.

My days are now filled with happiness, a few small bumps here and there, as expected. But nothing I cant handle. I am more present than I have been in some time. Sometimes we need experiences to knock us off of our center in order to appreciate the important things in life, including ourselves. I was knocked off of my center several times over the last few years and forgot who I was. I tolerated situations and behavior I didn’t deserve. But things would change…..

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, to teach us or for us to teach them. No matter what I have been handed I still believe in the goodness of people. Its true that the way a person treats you says nothing about you, but everything about them.

2018 has taught me a lot. Things change……jobs, relationships, friendships…nothing is permanent but change. Sometimes you have to hit bottom, be treated poorly by people you care for, lose a job and friends. Experience extreme sadness and grief, despair and hopelessness to realize whats truly important in life. Small gifts, your child’s smile, the voice of your Mother pushing you forward because she believes in your greatness and that you can handle anything you are dealt. That you have always figured shit out and that says a lot about who you are. The courage to let go of that which no longer serves you or makes you happy. To realize that “YOU DIDN’T FAIL, YOU SUCCEEDED”.

It also taught me that there is someone out there for all of us. My someone came after a strange night, for both of us. One was giving up and one was trying again…..and there we were. We took a chance and here we are. There are so many things I could say about him, but he knows my heart and intentions as I know his. I clearly know what falling in love feels like now. I fall in love with him in moments. Moments when he is talking intensely about his family or life, or sitting in silence, when he isn’t even with me or when he is sleeping soundly next to me. When he speaks to someone when we are out, when he laughs….every layer and every person he is…I love.

So I believe that life can only get better…. “Sunshine comes to all who feel rain”.

Alcoholism Part 1

So, as I was trolling social media tonight I came across and interesting article. If you have time, and it interests you, please take a look at it.

http://www.reachoutrecovery.com/recovery-topics/parenting-tips/10-things-to-know-about-children-of-alcoholics

I grew up with alcoholic step fathers. Several. None were nice or fun. I am not even sure where to start expressing my thoughts on this subject, my mind is racing with memories. I never knew the adults in my life were alcoholics, that’s how normal alcohol was for me. I was maybe 7 when I tasted Wild Turkey for the first time.

That is what Fred drank.

Fred was step father number two. He was the party guy. He was a World War II vet. He drank and smoked constantly. There were constant parties at our house where I was not allowed to come downstairs. I would lay on the step, about halfway down the stairs where the wall was so they couldn’t see me. The house was filled with stylish women that had pretty hair and 70’s clothes. The men were semi plane, brand inspectors and cowboys that worked for the state. The room was filled with cigarette smoke and drinks were everywhere. I would fall asleep there until my Mom would get me into bed some time in the night. During the few years they were together, he died in our house of a heart attack, it was a constant party. He drove drunk and would let my Mom walk home from across town in the middle of the night, alone. Piece of shit, but she stayed. So, needless to say I was left alone with him and he was sexually abusive….yep….maybe 7. When I was still married if I smelled hard alcohol on my husbands breath I was repulsed. Sad, but true. He never understood, only when we were in therapy did he apologize and I would like to believe he genuinely felt bad. I am not sure, because after that all drinking was done on the side.

Step father number one use to hit me…he was mean alcoholic.

Step father number three was the most mentally abusive. She married him twice. I used to be angry at her for the choices she made, but she was damaged too. Number three was Arnold. They divorced on my 16th birthday and again on my 18th. Both of those birthdays I spent in the courtroom. When I was 12 he convinced her I ran away.  I have to wonder about her mental state, I was at my best friends house and she knew it. I came home to a police man asking me if I knew where our address was. I said that was my house and he followed me home. Arnold, when I  was 12, called me “a whore walking the street looking for a stiff dick”. I was FUCKING 12!!! I didn’t even know about sex! Of course when the policeman realized he was drunk he left me with my Mom and Arnold. My Mom had the nerve to say many years later that I was not an easy child, are you fucking kidding me? I went to school and stayed in my room, or was at my friend’s house. I had to be out of sight because everything was ok then. You see these men and my Mom were older. They had already raised children and here comes a little girl.

(I have to add that as I am emptying my thoughts here Fred’s daughter-in-law liked my comment on that post…she has no idea. Not that I know of…)

I think this has been a little overwhelming for me this evening….I will follow-up with a second part when I can….Yes, I have moved on, healed, learned the lessons they delivered…just felt the need to empty my thoughts after reading that article….

Our children look to us for guidance and example. I have explained to my girl that addiction runs on both sides and she needs to be very aware….

I am calling it a night….Peace for now ❤

The Modern Day Mom & PTSD

As defined by WEBMD: 

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), once called shell shock or battle fatigue syndrome, is a serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event in which serious physical harm occurred or was threatened. PTSD is a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror, such as a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, an accident, war, or natural disaster. Families of victims can also develop PTSD, as can emergency personnel and rescue workers.

Many people think that PTSD is an excuse. I would trade places with them in heartbeat if they would like to experience the effects of horrific events that led to my diagnosis.

I spent several years of my late teens being angry and making bad choices. The first traumatic event I can remember was a step father hitting me….and then a step father sexually abusing me….and then a step father emotionally and verbally terrorizing me. Some of these actions set me up for later choices in life.

I chose a man who beat me…this is when I would beg God for death. I couldn’t understand why I should still be here, but I was paralyzed for a time and couldn’t leave. The last time I can remember thinking this had to be it was when he punched me in the face and dropped me to the concrete at a local park. He helped me up and to the car. He would cry and beg me to forgive him. This was the last time…I knew that I wouldn’t last much longer if I stayed. The last time I heard his voice he threatened to put a bullet in my head because, the bullshit line, “If I can’t have you, no one can”. After that I became a shut in for about a year. The sound of a neighbor’s door slamming or the people at the end of the walk fighting would send me into blind fear. If I could only sleep the other four hours of the day away…then it would all be okay.

To this day I feel I can still feel the effects of that period in my life. If someone moves to quickly or if there is a loud noise. It may not affect me every time, but when I am deep in thought or preoccupied with something it hits me in waves. My soon to be ex husband once got in my face and I recoiled in fear which enraged him even more. He pointed his finger in my face and yelled “don’t act like you are afraid or that I have hit you” .  I can think of this moment now and realize what kind of man, who claims love, could be so uncaring or inconsiderate of what someone has been through. That is neither here nor there now….but a moment like that sets me back years in my healing process.

Fast forward three months and here I am….

I do that sometimes……I shut myself away from a lot. I don’t want to burden the world with my troubles, let alone burden the ones I love. I am seeing daylight again…finally. I finally hired an attorney because we get no where and I am as tired as he is. I want to move forward and cant with that part of m life. I have many thoughts and opinions concerning this that will wait until everything is final because sometimes people like to try to dig into my life.

So I finally slept last night….more solid than I have in a very long time. My PTSD has heightened recently because I fear his anger. So here I am….I have been doing a lot of diving into the effects and ways to heal help heal myself. I know it will never fully go away but I also know there are times it will subside. I think many events over the last three months that I have held in contributed to my recent state of mind. Not a very healthy state at all….

So here’s to sunrises and new days. To healing the past and moving into the future. To forgiveness and loving someone wholly….scars and all. Never judging a book by its cover and being compassionate.

Happy Sunday….and everyday.

Peace ❤

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