Tag: tears

Tears…..

Tears…immeasurable strength.

I have been feeling the pull to write, but with all the changes in life and moving I haven’t allowed myself any time to do so. Finally, finally I am here.

I met a woman several years ago that became one of my very best friends and was instrumental in my healing process, she stepped in beside me on my journey. Held me up and loved me unconditionally. And even though we don’t see each other as often as we used to there isn’t a time where we don’t stop for the other to catch some of the most private thoughts and deepest emotions this Universe presents us with.

She helped me to understand that tears were not a sign of weakness, but of immeasurable strength. There was a time when I hid my tears from everyone. A good friend said if she saw me crying she knew something was terribly wrong because I didn’t allow people to see that part of me.

I used to get in trouble for crying. When people are inconsiderate and speak to you with little respect its hurtful, and there they were..tears…a sign of deep pain. The strength it takes to sit with that pain and hold it is undeniable. So she helped me to understand that it was okay to cry, to show up and be who I am. That I was worthy of good people and things in my life.

Tears wash away the unnecessary. They cleanse the deepest wound, they comfort the lonely, they come from the well which replenishes the soul.

Touching wounds and memories..washing away the unnecessary. As recent as today… and never far from the surface.

Peace for your Wednesday evening….

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Your power

My thoughts have been totally immersed in our individual power and what we give our attention to. I once knew someone who thought it was unusual that I could walk away from some so easily. If someone hurts you repeatedly, disrespects you, or just treats you like you are irrelevant, give yourself permission to walk away. That is the beginning to taking back your power.

I feel that if someone discounts you enough, hurts you, uses you…whatever you want to call it, it’s okay to cut ties with them. No matter the part they have played in your journey.

“The day I chose to stop speaking their name, was the day I took their power away and took mine back. The day I chose to not respond with anger, I found peace within”.

So I move forward, an occasional memory will come up, or something will trigger me but how I choose to react is just that, my choice. I can say it is not always the best way, but it is my way.

“And the day I chose to leave the past behind me was one of the healthiest and most relieving moments in my life. No more worries about being enough for anyone but myself. It’s not to say that leaving people behind isn’t painful, but sometimes its just the best thing for you.”

Those who truly know me, know that I hold painful emotions and memories in until something brings them to the surface and only then will I spill them….just enough to ease the discomfort my heart houses.

Recently I broke…I think, no, I know I house a lot of pain that I have not allowed to surface and it overflowed. Triggers pull those deep seeded emotions from some long ago corner I have shoved them into. I know that there have been times that I haven’t made good choices in my life, but I know I have never hurt anyone with intention and never will. I don’t regret my choices, they led me to here, but it is my choice if I choose to…

“I choose not relive times before now, times that weren’t so happy. I choose not to recall times before now too often and I refuse to speak names of those that made me feel any less.”

So my thoughts right now are be mindful of the words you speak to yourself and to others….be mindful of the people and memories you give your power to.

After all, it is your power ❤

Peace for your Saturday night….

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48 hours ago

 

48 hours ago

I touched some old wounds

I remembered how hurt I’ve been

I felt the tears well

And the pain come up

Never enough

Or

Somehow too much

48 hours ago

I allowed myself a few tears

12 hours later a few more

And again this evening

I seek meaning

I teeter for hours

And moments

And a few days

48 hours ago

I was reminded how much I’ve endured

How many times I set myself aside

And all the hurt feelings I held in

48 hours ago I embraced the woman I am and the knowledge that I will never change

But yet….

I’m so different from 48 hours ago

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No words….

So many words…..that there aren’t enough

I know when it happened

But I don’t know how to stop what is felt

Time will tell

My words will eventually heal me

This time is tough…

The time when words just aren’t enough

 

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Solace in Words

Words are the only place I can find solace.

When my heart hurts, when life is hard and yes, even when its the best. This is the only place I know to come. They save me from certain destruction…they also celebrate my greatest joys with me.

I am lost lately. I seek to feed my soul and this is the only way I know how, yet recently it isn’t enough. I know when things aren’t right in my life, intuition, and lately I chose to ignore it, only for it to come to light later. I know that I should listen when something tells me there is more to what is before me. You see I have always listened to the words that aren’t spoken and I pay very careful attention to those around me. More often than not they think that I am naive to the situation but I am not. Thus hurt feelings and second guessing my worth to those individuals. Enough? Imagine that…..

Sleepless nights turn into drug out days…random tears, fake smiles. It’s so easy to hide in front of people. When I am alone at night my demons come out to play. They put in my face everything I have put off, everything I hide. I have a habit of seeking temporary happiness in material items. Things that aren’t necessary. Then comes guilt and shame. It’s not often that I do this because I have a tendency to take better care of those around than taking care of myself. It’s just easier.

So here I am…functioning on maybe three hours of sleep, knowing something is off right now….and waiting for it to show up.

 

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