Just this…..

Not everyone will have the same heart as yours…..

These words sting. Nothing has ever been more true and felt more deeply. We all get it. Constant learning process…right here….right now…tomorrow is another day

If you only knew

She hides more than you know and listens more than she speaks

This is where she learns who you are and your intentions

Your eyes cut up and to the left….what lie have you told?

You can’t hold her gaze for long

You think that everything is hidden well, well it’s not

Lean in, lean on, let go

Dragging down into a dark tunnel …….

She waits because in the end your intentions show through

Twisted tales of time and people, places and gaps

She has been watching too many too long to let it slip by

And you may be proud of what you think is hidden

And your good intentions aren’t

so good

And so she knows

And she grows

And she waits…

Time is shifting and changing

She will go

and then you will know

And you will wait

and she will not

for fate to drop

the reality of it

was all for naught

Be Gentle With Yourself…..

A small crack in life has turned into a gaping wound. I am tired and sad and it all feels irrevocable. Over the last several weeks I have had enough. My cup is finally empty and I am not even sure where to turn to replenish it. I know that I have learned that I can only count on myself at the end of the day. I have been observing as a participant for….well, for as long as I can remember but its amazing when you breakdown and really look at the whole picture from the inside and outside. Who do you count on? Me? I count on myself and lean on myself and sometimes it just sucks…no other way to say it. I am alone…I would say aren’t we all…but I don’t feel that way. I have so many things I want and they are so simple and I am just not sure how to get there….maybe by letting go of attachment to what I desire. I know that’s how it works, an incredible experience that I have repeatedly witnessed in my life.  It’s not even materialistic….unless you consider eventually buying a home. But I can do that on my own. Plan B….yep, I am my own plan B, hell, I am my own A as well. People can’t handle what they say they want….and rarely, if ever stay true to their word.  That is the experience in my life.

I have no room for anger at myself. How can you be angry when all you have done is give and do your best to make people happy or help out?  It’s never enough….never. And I AM responsible for my own needs and happiness…this I know. I am just so fucking tired and see no end or no way to fix what is. I try to read positive mantras and I can’t even get through them. Even words aren’t finding a way in….but I suppose being here they are finding a way out which is helpful. I am tired of putting on a smile when it’s not even genuine.

Fourth, fifth,…..eighteenth place….where do you fall in line with people in your life? It just doesn’t feel good not to care about much.

Two days later…

Here.

Here is sad and lonely.

I reach for any remnants of happiness. What is happiness? Is anyone ever really happy? And lonely…it is what it is. My life is not how I imagined it to be….are our lives ever  really the way they picture them to be? I need and I am alone. I have taken Facebook and messenger off of my phone. We spend too much time on social media and not being social with our own. What is that? What a fucked up place to be in. And its all negative bullshit now….political, about bad relationship choices or how do you know if he is lying or cheating or wants you….what kind of friend are you? Or messages from immature people and when you go to respond they…poof….disappear. So much shit in life….people fishing for attention when you want to yell GROW THE FUCK UP and be grateful for what you have. Damn, so many think its a dating site or lets say trolling site. People are never satisfied with what they have or just completely take it for granted.

Lets talk….

I broke yesterday….broke…broken…irreparable? Who fucking knows? I am sick inside. I have no one to blame but myself. Physically sick. All I need is a place to land right now…silence, kindness, peace and a kind heart that doesn’t judge, just gets it. Arms to crawl into and forget about what fills my space at this moment. Where? Imagine that….if you aren’t giving then you can’t get. I am angry and hurt. Fix it….yeah right. I am always the happy one who handles life and its challenges well….well, until I broke. No one wants to hear others “things” or they cant hear above their own. Thank the Universe for the one friend who understands and texts me the morning after to make sure I made it.

Mad? Fuck yeah!

Hateful? Today, yes.

Forgiving? Always

Lessons are always hard. Sometimes reality sucks and you need it to shake you to realize you are important.

I am very into intuition and listening for what I need….the only thing I can hear today is:

Be Gentle With Yourself

I am so hard on me. I have come to this understanding that the advice I would give my friend or friends is the advice I should take for myself…thats a hard pill to swallow. Right now in this moment I can only think that I need to be gentle with myself. I deserve good people, love and things in my life. I know I do….I just don’t know how to accept that I am deserving.

My anger and hate have subsided somewhat….I need to forgive myself for being so hard on me. I need to find gratitude in knowing I can be alone and take care of myself. In crawling into my bed alone when a lot of people in this world are suffering and would be grateful for the space I occupy.  I need to be grateful that people in my life show me my worth to them….even if it’s not pleasant.

Be Gentle With Yourself

Because after all…who better to treat you good than you.

 

Sometimes is just enough

Today (Saturday) is one of those days….actually its been brewing for a few days. I have several saved drafts about the moon, the eclipse, hatred, racism and so on….there are so many things I want to know and so many I want to forget.

Boundaries….they are so important. It started yesterday (Friday) at the gym. There are rows and rows of machines, mostly empty. I am in a row with at least eight ellipticals and she picks the machine next to mine. It usually wouldn’t bother me but then a man comes in and takes the machine on my other side. So there we are, the three of us and a dozen open machines. Toothpaste and deodorant should be required for the gym.

I have been thinking  a lot about Kismet and unrequited love. I know what kismet is….do you believe in fate? That everything and every one in your life happen for reason? I am not sure what I believe any more. I know that if you treat people the way you want to be treated it’s not always going to be returned….so yes to unrequited love. This world is supposed to be about give and take….too many people take and too many people give way too much. Sometimes is just enough to teach you a lesson…sometimes it takes a long time to learn.

Sunday…..

I am exhausted…life. Its not from lack of sleep, it’s from overextending myself emotionally. Giving too much and accepting very little or nothing in return. Does that sound greedy or selfish. They say self-care and self-love is not selfish….so I’m not selfish?Because when I think about what I want and what I would like in life I feel selfish or undeserving. Thoughts? Opinions? I also feel like I am unrealistic in what I seek. I mean really??? Does anyone ever get it right? 🙂 I am sure this comes from too many years of taking care of others first. I was once told that this behavior stems from me not wanting people to feel what I have felt in my life. Hmm….interesting.

I know everything is surfacing right now….emotionally.

I never watch the news and gather most of my information from social media or from friends. I don’t even have cable tv in my home anymore. At first it was because we never watched it. Then when I did it would lead to feelings of sadness because of the state of our world. Why pay for something you can get for free right?

So I will go dump my head trash at the gym soon….and let go of the things that nag me and drag me into another place.

Sometimes is just enough to make you realize you deserve more than what you accept

And

Sometimes is just enough to make you realize a lot of things about life

Happy Sunday ❤

 

Slow realization

And with morning came the slow realization that she would never be enough for him

She had given everything there was to give and she knew it still wasn’t enough

She always emptied her cup making sure others were happy

Overnight the bottom fell out of her cup and was slowly replaced with something new

Some long-lost new found wisdom

 

She knows what she has to offer

She knows what kind of life she is capable of building

Quiet confidence, along with sadness, bubble to the surface

It’s not about her being enough any more

She is enough for herself

What he seeks is something she doesn’t posses

He wont admit that it’s not her that he wants

He sought others in solitary time while she has been alone

And I look at her

She stands alone in the moment

strong

yet silent

With slow realization

 

 

 

 

Whatever…..

Some things never change….

I don’t know if all women are the same as me, but when you ask for something several times and it doesn’t happen you either stop caring or do it yourself if thats the situation.

So today I will look for a handyman to fix a few things for me

too bad he can’t fix hurt feelings, broken trust or loneliness

I suppose of everything in life I have learned it’s that at the end of the day the only person you can count on is yourself. Mostly everyone hurts and lies…at least in the world I live in.

I am tired…..

 

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