Writing out loud

I had some time today to think about now and what’s next. We have an iron in the fire which is really exciting. It means work, time and attention, but it will be ours. But I thought about something that I am forever doing , writing. I worked on pages, and pages, and pages over the last few years. Or maybe I have been working on pages since I was twelve.

I know that I always come back to this. It’s my constant. It soothes and heals, listens and advises when I look back on what’s been written. I am forever collecting words in some way, shape or form. Writing is like breathing for me, I can’t live without it.

I used to write on paper napkins several years ago and leave them in random places. I noticed yesterday at lunch I did this It was about being present, in the moment. Chances are in the particular restaurant we were in, they didn’t even look twice at the words. I don’t think they needed them, I think we did. It was a long day, one in which we never wavered, lost patience and we were never short with each other. It says a lot about who we are, as a couple and individually. He said to me that we are receptive to each others energy. Meaning one can remain calm as long as the other does, we feed off of each other. Anyways, my words were a reminder to be present in the moments we were in. We made it through yesterday without one bump or one short word.

Word…words…writing…and back to the task at hand.

I feel like I need to work on my pages again and do something with them. I have received some good feedback and some who disagree with what I write, but I welcome that. I feel it makes me grow as a writer.

So here’s to Writing out loud and what comes next

Paper boxes

Paper boxes and brown paper

Pieces to a life

Marked with contents

and stacked neatly in the garage

What if life were so simple

Categorized, organized, compartmentalized

A little lip plush on a Saturday evening for some self care

Present

Paper boxes and brown paper

A tiny silver jewelry box from my Mother with red velvet interior

I can remember it from forever ago

We heal in between, those are words I found

I am in between for now…

and maybe touching memories and filling paper boxes is where I heal

for now

I let go of so much in recent months

Things I thought I needed

or maybe even wanted at some point

Nineteen year old stuff and two year old stuff

Shedding layers of life gone by

Life that was once carried in

Paper boxes and wrapped in brown paper

She’s Just Not a Keeper

Shes just not a keeper

of old cards

and notes

Or of trinkets

from the past

She lets go

and tucks away

the memories from a long time ago place

With only little recognition of a face

Shes just not a keeper of

tears and lies

Of sad excuses and black eyes

Of what if’s and goodbyes

Old pictures and songs

Mean very little

When they no longer belong

She’s just not a keeper

Of anger and hatred

Or cruel intentions 

In fact she’s just not a keeper 

of honorable mentions 

Shes just not a keeper of inconsistency

Nor of others who hurt people willfully

Of those who don’t know how to be friends 

Or shallow people who cant make amends

And in the end

She’s just not a keeper of bad things at all

Maker

I used to be a maker…when I was healing and when I was happy.

I made a lot of things.

I have been craving that part of myself again.

I am happy

….finally.

and coming home

I touch parts of my life. I feel, deeply feel, love and life. I enjoy the simple things. I even allow dark parts to surface periodically. You cannot experience great gratitude and beauty in life if you cannot embrace the darkest parts of yourself and life as well.

I don’t run from things, other than my own feelings and ever present, deep running emotions and that is only periodic. I have to allow myself time to process and then decompress and come back to the situation head on, clear in thought. The past is the past and the only thing that is important is this moment.

Healing, forever healing, learning and growing. Accepting myself and others as we are. Even the ugly parts.

So a week ago I made intention candles for a few friends and for my life partner and I. They felt good. And that was the beginning. When I touched the candles and herbs they felt good in my hands and woke the part of me that have been hidden for some time.

Soon I will be home and there will be space for me to create. He supports that part of me because we are the same. He understands the call, the constant need to create.

When you give in and feel

from your soul

In the quiet moments

You allow it all to surface

and subside

And you stand in awe

of the canvas of your life.


Peace for your Sunday evening….

#waituntilyouseewhatwedo

Mornings like this

My first conscious thought is of you laying next to me. My senses come alive and my eyes adjust to the morning light. I cant recall my soul feeling such deep peace.

I make my way down the hall, check the time and find the most recent book you have given me. Man’s Search For Meaning. You just seem to know what I like and what will speak to me. Yesterday when I read through the prologue I found words that spoke to me.

“Frankl saw three possible sources for meaning: in work (doing something significant), in love (caring for another person), and in courage during difficult times. ~ Harold S. Kushner

I sink into my space and into my book, sometimes reading the words twice because it is so hard to imagine one human being treating another the way they did in the concentration camps.

I hear you move and I know that our morning has arrived. I try to contain my excitement that you are up and I have probably thought of a million things to tell you in the last hour. I make coffee and make my way to you. You and I both have things to do today but you find the moments I ask for and sink into our space with me. I put my head on your shoulder and listen to you speak. I can only see the bottom portion of your face. I watch your mouth move, notice your profile and think about how much I love you and how grateful I am for mornings like this.

We move through the morning. I shower and you move about the house completing the tasks you have set before you.

At the kitchen window I think about unconditional love and how I feel it now. I always thought it never existed. My thoughts….It’s you. It’s small moments and mornings like this that I am grateful for. They make me aware of how blessed I am to share this part of my life with you. I know that we are not perfect, but yet we are in our own way.

Its mornings like this when I know that I have everything I need.

Something like that…

Like liquid smoke flowing through the air

Like a dim lit room and a gentleman with a drink

Like a clear, dark night full of stars

A perfect peach on a hot summer day

Laying under a large oak, on a blanket of plush green grass

Like the last sigh before the deepest sleep

Or five pillows on a bed dressed in white

A variation of music filling the air

Or the smell of rain

Or the look in your eyes when you look at me

Or the look in mine when I look back

Like the hours that pass until I see you again

Or perhaps its the way I fall in love with you daily

Yes, something Like that

For you Alyse….

Sorting through my emails just now, I came across the last two and the the prompt sisterhood caught me right away. This is the second time today this word has found its way to me… Its been too long since I have been able to spend time with you writing….so this prompts for you.

Sisterhood

The ease of the chair, the music filtering through the air. Sisterhood, my friends, my sisters by marriage, but oh..my…sister. Her name is Cindy and I have had her in my life for the last 7 years. I flip through the images in my mind. The time she came to visit and we had our pictures taken. I look at her and look for me. In the beginning we shared all of our “me too’s”, likes and loves, gains and loses. We are so similar and very different. She is one of my biggest cheerleaders and my confidant. She is 21 years older than me, but the years fall away between us. We missed so much and gained so much when we connected. She is beautiful and kind, she loves people and people love her. My sister ❤

Sisterhood

Alyse, she is my sister too. She pulled me through the self conscious door when it came to my writing. She watched and allowed me to feel my way through the process of shutting down my inner critic who was concerned with what others thought about my wiring. I admire her, her gifts and her friendship. She is one of many. The Sisterhood, the intuits, the executives, the homegirls, the chicks I love. The Green is for you One. The Rain washes away the unnecessary one, the strawberry shortcake one, the lick your face one. The Pittsburgh one. The artist. The writer. The supportive. The blonde one. The three of them. The German and the French ones. I honor all of my sisters. They all bring something very unique to the table and always a lot of love.

So this prompt is for you Alyse….I miss prompts with you.


Life

The house is still and quiet this evening which allows me time to sift through the many thoughts and emotions that have been surfacing over the last few weeks. My partner is at work and my first senses were the way his shirt smelled when he left this afternoon. The smile I am greeted with on an almost daily basis and sweet kisses after a brief absence or when we are parting.

Music filters through his space, which he has so freely given me to write in this evening. Its comforting to know I sit where he sits, I see what he see’s, but more over to just feel his presence in this space.

I have no particular direction in which to write tonight, usually I have something that is weighing on me that needs to come to life…thats it Life.

Life is so fragile….so precious and happens so quickly.

“The currency of life is not money but time and love. Remember time is finite, but you are blessed with infinite love” ~Debasish Mridha

Over the last week or so I have been reminded of how precious our time here is. The children that lost their father in the middle of his life. The young woman and her brother who just lost their mother. I think of people who I hold close…the mother who lost her daughters, his Dad, a best friend who was able to stay a year longer than he was given, her Dad, his Mom, my Aunt and Uncle. We waste so much of our time holding grudges and hating. Forgetting that this is time and life that we are robbed of on our own accord. I know it may sound cold, but I have found that it is easier to walk away from those that have hurt you rather than stay connected and continuously suffer because of them. You will empty your own cup by continuously giving to others. Love and respect yourself enough to let go.

Life waits for no one…..

Figuring shit out

Peace for your Sunday evening

Broken people….

We talk about people who hurt people, sometimes…

I have been thinking a lot about broken people today. Left unhealed or unwilling to do self-work and practice self love, they continue to break others. I know many women and men who have been broken and have given up on the thought of finding someone they can love and will love them in return.

Before I really got to know my life partner, a young woman I know spoke powerful words to me. She said “you will meet someone someday who wont need you to fix them and they wont want to fix you”. Our conversation continued about fixing other people and about the broken continuing to break people. I often think about the men and women who treat each other poorly and my first thought is….”how would you feel if this was done to your child, family member or friend?”. So the partner cheats, would you want your son or daughter to experience the heartache of someone she loves treating him or her this way?

There are so many broken people in this world and they continue to break the innocent because in some warped sense they justify their actions. I have said it before and it just came to mind again, “If you wouldn’t like it or want it done to you, DON’T DO IT!”.

Acceptance….Risk….Happiness

Acceptance…….In order to accept others I think we need to truly accept ourselves, all of our darkness and all of our light. We need to look back at the past and take the lessons that have been presented and move forward with that knowledge. Every obstacle and triumph will teach you something if you are willing to look. Someone will treat you like you are irrelevant and unloved only to show you what you really deserve, someone will treat you like you are not intelligent because they are intimidated by your knowledge. Someone may hold you down until you have no choice but to come up for air, fighting for yourself. We are all human and all worthy of valuable, healthy relationships with people who appreciate us.

Risk….Without risk there will be no reward. Even though you have been hurt, betrayed or broken, however you want to define it, you must find the strength to move beyond it. Self-care. There was a time I painted, or created in some way, my steadfast method of self-care takes the form of writing. It always has and will always be where I find the medicine of life that heals me. Replenishes the layers that have been peeled away. There was a time I sat for hours tying Mala’s (prayer beads). Seems interesting now to realize I was healing while tying prayer beads, but for a time thats where I found peace. I think we need to find an outlet and in it we will find the inner peace that was interrupted by circumstances within and beyond our control. Once I felt like I had time to process and decompress from life’s little messes I was able to consider risking again. I made new friends, after losing trust in old ones, I dated again…after, well, just after. That was risk-taking again to me. Finding strength to trust others in the aftermath of so much pain.

Happiness……Finally. I have been presented with a tremendous amount of happiness. For the first time I really feel like I am living the life I deserve. I never really felt like I deserved good things, I am not sure why. I just felt like I didn’t. I have a lot of good now….just incredibly good. All the bad situations laid ground work and taught me important lessons. I really appreciate the sweetness of life. Unhealed people taught me how they can and will break you, because that is all they know. I think these lessons, however painful, are important. I have learned how to let go, how to risk, and how to trust again. I know how to love and I now know what it feels like to be loved for who I am.

Someday, if you experience broken people, you need to find the strength to try again after you have taken care of yourself. Meet your needs, put yourself first, discover who you are, and find inner peace. You will find them, your people, the ones who know what it feels like to be broken and who would never inflict the pain they have felt on another. You will find people who you can trust, who you can love and love in return, who wont hurt you. And most importantly, wont bleed on you.

Peace in your Saturday evening…..

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