Tag: women who write

Life

The house is still and quiet this evening which allows me time to sift through the many thoughts and emotions that have been surfacing over the last few weeks. My partner is at work and my first senses were the way his shirt smelled when he left this afternoon. The smile I am greeted with on an almost daily basis and sweet kisses after a brief absence or when we are parting.

Music filters through his space, which he has so freely given me to write in this evening. Its comforting to know I sit where he sits, I see what he see’s, but more over to just feel his presence in this space.

I have no particular direction in which to write tonight, usually I have something that is weighing on me that needs to come to life…thats it Life.

Life is so fragile….so precious and happens so quickly.

“The currency of life is not money but time and love. Remember time is finite, but you are blessed with infinite love” ~Debasish Mridha

Over the last week or so I have been reminded of how precious our time here is. The children that lost their father in the middle of his life. The young woman and her brother who just lost their mother. I think of people who I hold close…the mother who lost her daughters, his Dad, a best friend who was able to stay a year longer than he was given, her Dad, his Mom, my Aunt and Uncle. We waste so much of our time holding grudges and hating. Forgetting that this is time and life that we are robbed of on our own accord. I know it may sound cold, but I have found that it is easier to walk away from those that have hurt you rather than stay connected and continuously suffer because of them. You will empty your own cup by continuously giving to others. Love and respect yourself enough to let go.

Life waits for no one…..

Figuring shit out

Peace for your Sunday evening

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Broken people….

We talk about people who hurt people, sometimes…

I have been thinking a lot about broken people today. Left unhealed or unwilling to do self-work and practice self love, they continue to break others. I know many women and men who have been broken and have given up on the thought of finding someone they can love and will love them in return.

Before I really got to know my life partner, a young woman I know spoke powerful words to me. She said “you will meet someone someday who wont need you to fix them and they wont want to fix you”. Our conversation continued about fixing other people and about the broken continuing to break people. I often think about the men and women who treat each other poorly and my first thought is….”how would you feel if this was done to your child, family member or friend?”. So the partner cheats, would you want your son or daughter to experience the heartache of someone she loves treating him or her this way?

There are so many broken people in this world and they continue to break the innocent because in some warped sense they justify their actions. I have said it before and it just came to mind again, “If you wouldn’t like it or want it done to you, DON’T DO IT!”.

Acceptance….Risk….Happiness

Acceptance…….In order to accept others I think we need to truly accept ourselves, all of our darkness and all of our light. We need to look back at the past and take the lessons that have been presented and move forward with that knowledge. Every obstacle and triumph will teach you something if you are willing to look. Someone will treat you like you are irrelevant and unloved only to show you what you really deserve, someone will treat you like you are not intelligent because they are intimidated by your knowledge. Someone may hold you down until you have no choice but to come up for air, fighting for yourself. We are all human and all worthy of valuable, healthy relationships with people who appreciate us.

Risk….Without risk there will be no reward. Even though you have been hurt, betrayed or broken, however you want to define it, you must find the strength to move beyond it. Self-care. There was a time I painted, or created in some way, my steadfast method of self-care takes the form of writing. It always has and will always be where I find the medicine of life that heals me. Replenishes the layers that have been peeled away. There was a time I sat for hours tying Mala’s (prayer beads). Seems interesting now to realize I was healing while tying prayer beads, but for a time thats where I found peace. I think we need to find an outlet and in it we will find the inner peace that was interrupted by circumstances within and beyond our control. Once I felt like I had time to process and decompress from life’s little messes I was able to consider risking again. I made new friends, after losing trust in old ones, I dated again…after, well, just after. That was risk-taking again to me. Finding strength to trust others in the aftermath of so much pain.

Happiness……Finally. I have been presented with a tremendous amount of happiness. For the first time I really feel like I am living the life I deserve. I never really felt like I deserved good things, I am not sure why. I just felt like I didn’t. I have a lot of good now….just incredibly good. All the bad situations laid ground work and taught me important lessons. I really appreciate the sweetness of life. Unhealed people taught me how they can and will break you, because that is all they know. I think these lessons, however painful, are important. I have learned how to let go, how to risk, and how to trust again. I know how to love and I now know what it feels like to be loved for who I am.

Someday, if you experience broken people, you need to find the strength to try again after you have taken care of yourself. Meet your needs, put yourself first, discover who you are, and find inner peace. You will find them, your people, the ones who know what it feels like to be broken and who would never inflict the pain they have felt on another. You will find people who you can trust, who you can love and love in return, who wont hurt you. And most importantly, wont bleed on you.

Peace in your Saturday evening…..

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My wish for you….

Over the last few days words keep coming to the surface and I think of things I want to write about. As we approach another new year all I could think of was people in my life or people that I have connected with on some level and what I wish for them. So this is my list:

My wish for you is that…..

  • You realize that you are stronger than you think and capable of incredible things
  • You never accept less than you deserve and never let anyone treat you poorly
  • You will always know contentment and a deep inner peace
  • You know my love is unconditional, steadfast, and true
  • You listen to the quiet inner voice that guides you
  • Your children realize what a good woman you are, how much you do for them, and that they are more patient with you
  • You NEVER let anything hold you back
  • You realize not all men/women are bad, and that sometimes extraordinary hellos can come after really hard goodbyes
  • You start treating people better and learn to make meaningful connections
  • Your heart heals
  • You find what you are looking for
  • You understand the pain you cause others, and that its no longer okay or acceptable
  • You value yourself
  • You love yourself
  • Small things in life are meaningful, these are the true gifts
  • You know what it feels like to be loved completely
  • You stop waiting for someday, its up to you to reach for what you want and more so what you deserve
  • You know that there are two sides to every story, and that some people aren’t as bad as you have been told

Just a few random wishes for some people I know….

Otherwise my wish for you is….a life you love, full of contentment and happiness.

Peace for your Tuesday evening ❤

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The end of 2018

As this year comes to a close I can only feel gratitude for the many changes I have experienced. The heartaches and happiness, the highs and lows. Especially the challenges that made me aware of what I am made of and the strength I carry.

I think of the masks that fell away to reveal the true intentions of those I thought I knew so well. The sad goodbyes and amazing new hellos.

My days are now filled with happiness, a few small bumps here and there, as expected. But nothing I cant handle. I am more present than I have been in some time. Sometimes we need experiences to knock us off of our center in order to appreciate the important things in life, including ourselves. I was knocked off of my center several times over the last few years and forgot who I was. I tolerated situations and behavior I didn’t deserve. But things would change…..

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, to teach us or for us to teach them. No matter what I have been handed I still believe in the goodness of people. Its true that the way a person treats you says nothing about you, but everything about them.

2018 has taught me a lot. Things change……jobs, relationships, friendships…nothing is permanent but change. Sometimes you have to hit bottom, be treated poorly by people you care for, lose a job and friends. Experience extreme sadness and grief, despair and hopelessness to realize whats truly important in life. Small gifts, your child’s smile, the voice of your Mother pushing you forward because she believes in your greatness and that you can handle anything you are dealt. That you have always figured shit out and that says a lot about who you are. The courage to let go of that which no longer serves you or makes you happy. To realize that “YOU DIDN’T FAIL, YOU SUCCEEDED”.

It also taught me that there is someone out there for all of us. My someone came after a strange night, for both of us. One was giving up and one was trying again…..and there we were. We took a chance and here we are. There are so many things I could say about him, but he knows my heart and intentions as I know his. I clearly know what falling in love feels like now. I fall in love with him in moments. Moments when he is talking intensely about his family or life, or sitting in silence, when he isn’t even with me or when he is sleeping soundly next to me. When he speaks to someone when we are out, when he laughs….every layer and every person he is…I love.

So I believe that life can only get better…. “Sunshine comes to all who feel rain”.

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In my 49th year

In my 49 years of life I’ve learned a lot.

Age 5 : I learned that not all adults are kind and wont keep you safe from the monsters. Many times they are monsters.

Age 8: Abused children are predators too.

Age 12: Step parents aren’t always the best parents.

Age 13: Some friends will always be your friends.

Age 16: People continue to reiterate that they aren’t kind. Some lessons repeat themselves.

Age 18: Some things aren’t as significant as you think they are. Twenty years from 18 a lot of shit wont matter. Don’t give it too much thought or time.

Age 20: Black eyes still show through makeup

Age 22: You wait for 6 years

Age 28: The most amazing experience, I became a mom.

Times change, a lot happens, good and bad. Family will treat you terribly and you will tolerate it because, well, because they are supposed to be family.

Age 47 and 364 days: My boy leaves after 14 years with me. There will never be a time I will ever completely let go of him. Buster was my constant, unconditional love for 14 years….fourteen years. And then this year not one but three new brown-eyed boys show up and open the places in my heart I couldn’t feel and maybe didn’t want too. Animals heal.

Relationships change, people come and go, and so do we.

Age 48: Yes, I knew it would be different. I wasn’t sure how, but I knew. Sometimes I just didn’t even want to be here any more. It was enough, people you trust break you. Friends aren’t really, never really were, friends. So I ask my Creator for change, for something better, not realizing that the storm was coming. It took me a couple of months to come up for air. My Mom, my friends, the good in my life held fast. It was time to let the falseness fall away and some of those ties would hurt when they let loose. Time to get up. I never really laid down for long, just long enough to gather my breath and thoughts, to figure out what was coming next.

A new job comes. I am tested, and I swim. I love what I do and the people I work with. Sure there is stress and obstacles, but when isn’t there? We are a good community working for the betterment of human beings. And I am learning!!! Who could ask for more? Jobs change, sometimes abruptly without warning. You are left spinning, trying to figure out what’s next. Time ticks by and a new job appears, new friendships are weaved. Life starts looking better.

I want more and less, and more. So easy, more good…people, friends, happiness. Less unhappiness, self-doubt, judgement from those around me. And more. And. More. I was seeking, I just always knew…..someone would come. I just didn’t know when.

And its Friday and I look at you and my first thought is “How lucky am I to love this human?” There isn’t an answer that would tell the entire world what is in my heart for you. I have had time to reflect and I was thinking that, for the first time, in a long time, I don’t feel the need for a safe place. I know that with you I am safe, there is no fear of hurt or betrayal, no lies and no one else. I don’t have to wonder where you are when we aren’t together, what you are doing or if there is someone else. I know what it feels like to be loved without condition. You don’t want to control me and allow me the freedom to be exactly who I am without judgement. But most importantly we only expect from each other what we are willing to give. Gosh, I love you ❤ and everything about you. We are imperfectly perfect. You are my steady hand, constant heart and my Walk On the Wild Side. There have been many firsts with you and I look forward to many more.

Steady rhythms of life, growth, love…all of it.

So here is to my 49th year. Life just keeps getting better. I have been through a lot and wouldn’t trade one single moment of any of it for the place I am in now. It’s all been worth it just to get to this point.

So, um, yeah….49 looks good ❤

Peace

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In the still moments

In the still moments

in a crowded room

or alone

The echo of

nothingness

Seeking and searching

for what is relevant

and what is not

To listen to the voice

of reason

or insanity

To be gentle

and kind

to yourself

In the still moments

the answers come

the knowing

and sometimes

not

In the still moments we find

what we seek

or don’t

the

answers

are heard

the loudest….

In the still moments

 

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Couples

One half

Of two wholes

Together

Holding hands

Kissing at midnight

and

On rainy nights

Couples

the kind you look at and know they are in love

She matches his gaze

He holds her hand

everywhere

Their bubble

You know them together

even when they part

On sunny days

in the dead of night

and the crack of dawn

She finds her way perfectly into

the curve of his body

during the night

Their space

and they each

have space

Couples

the kind you look at and know they are in love

Yes, those kind of couples

 

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And just like that

And just like that my life changed

I asked for so long for what I wanted. I asked for change, said I was ready. In February, with incredible force, I was hit with what I asked for, but not in a way I thought would come. It took me almost two months to find my balance again, maybe another month after that to really sink into this new life. When everything changed it set in motion a string of events that would lead me to here and now.

Life has never tasted so sweet and felt so good.

So this weekend we took a Coleman mattress in the back yard and watched planes go by and he pointed out constellations, planets…The Northern Cross for me. No one has ever done that. He shares with me…The first night we stayed awake, the second I asked to go again. As we watched in silence with sleepy eyes a shooting star made its way across the sky. My poor man, I thought I was going to come up off that mattress and he probably thought he would too, because of me. Such a good night, such a good weekend. We slept several hours outside that night.

We have such good weekends together. I told him this morning I wouldn’t want to be his neighbors. We laughed. He is so very good to me, so kind and loving. We laugh, talk a little trash, have our own little language and we are good friends.  We are building a relationship with a solid foundation made up of many personal fine details that are only sharable between him and I. This is what happiness and good life is made of.

It’s the small things in life that are the most important. The man who shows you the stars, who makes time for you, who accepts all of you just the way you are. The man you can tell all of your secrets to without fear of judgement or hesitation. The man  who cooks with you and lets you (eventually) find your way around his kitchen 🙂 Who is patient and understanding, yes, its him. I am grateful for the changes…every single one of them. I know what is important. I appreciate it all.

And just like that I fell into him ❤

Happy Sunday in your life….

Remember its the little things ❤

 

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Life begins again……

For you Alyse, because you understand the way my words work….

I stepped into the night air, the warm desert wind on my legs. One of my favorite things about a desert summer night, the warmth on my skin. In my mind I wondered what I was thinking. “Am I really doing this?” And I knew, without hesitation, the answer, the only answer. As I made the drive the mellow sounds of Santeria whispered in the back ground. My mind drifted, yes, I was heading into the unknown.

So many times before I had faced the unknown, but not like this, in some sense this was familiar. This was by choice, unknown by choice, not by force. Mostly the unknown had been situations and people who were unkind. Places where I was supposed to be safe but that was taken.

I found the place I was looking for and I entered the home. I didn’t hesitate, even though I had never been here, I didn’t feel the typical feelings of uneasiness, judgement, distrust or even fear. This place was safe, warm and inviting. The energy was even and welcoming.

Earthy…when I replay those moments. The room felt earthy and easy, no pressure. The aroma and the energy of the air were comforting and music lingered like heavy smoke. Before me were so many treasures, I admired the walls and shelves, the tables in the corner adorned with plants, gemstones, candles….the things that were important to this person who occupied this space.

The words “make yourself at home” fell from their lips. I hesitated…but the words were genuine. I continued to glance from place to place, my eyes indulging in the contents of the this space. Within minutes I removed my sandals, I couldn’t wear them any more. I needed to be grounded in the moment and all the moments to follow. I never went barefoot anywhere but home. And I was barefoot and I felt the earth..connected….I was grounded.

And then came the silver dish…full of gemstones. Many colors and textures. I asked if it was okay to touch the contents of the bowl. I turned them over and over, familiarizing myself with them. The energy, the place, the space, the human….and I was alive..finally …..and Life Begins Again.

Thank you Alyse for pushing, pulling, inspiring, breathing and walking with me. For wording with me!! For the encouragement and for helping me put that inner critic to sleep. Life feels good my friend and I miss writing with you.

Love and peace to you always ❤

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