In my 49th year

In my 49 years of life I’ve learned a lot.

Age 5 : I learned that not all adults are kind and wont keep you safe from the monsters. Many times they are monsters.

Age 8: Abused children are predators too.

Age 12: Step parents aren’t always the best parents.

Age 13: Some friends will always be your friends.

Age 16: People continue to reiterate that they aren’t kind. Some lessons repeat themselves.

Age 18: Some things aren’t as significant as you think they are. Twenty years from 18 a lot of shit wont matter. Don’t give it too much thought or time.

Age 20: Black eyes still show through makeup

Age 22: You wait for 6 years

Age 28: The most amazing experience, I became a mom.

Times change, a lot happens, good and bad. Family will treat you terribly and you will tolerate it because, well, because they are supposed to be family.

Age 47 and 364 days: My boy leaves after 14 years with me. There will never be a time I will ever completely let go of him. Buster was my constant, unconditional love for 14 years….fourteen years. And then this year not one but three new brown-eyed boys show up and open the places in my heart I couldn’t feel and maybe didn’t want too. Animals heal.

Relationships change, people come and go, and so do we.

Age 48: Yes, I knew it would be different. I wasn’t sure how, but I knew. Sometimes I just didn’t even want to be here any more. It was enough, people you trust break you. Friends aren’t really, never really were, friends. So I ask my Creator for change, for something better, not realizing that the storm was coming. It took me a couple of months to come up for air. My Mom, my friends, the good in my life held fast. It was time to let the falseness fall away and some of those ties would hurt when they let loose. Time to get up. I never really laid down for long, just long enough to gather my breath and thoughts, to figure out what was coming next.

A new job comes. I am tested, and I swim. I love what I do and the people I work with. Sure there is stress and obstacles, but when isn’t there? We are a good community working for the betterment of human beings. And I am learning!!! Who could ask for more? Jobs change, sometimes abruptly without warning. You are left spinning, trying to figure out what’s next. Time ticks by and a new job appears, new friendships are weaved. Life starts looking better.

I want more and less, and more. So easy, more good…people, friends, happiness. Less unhappiness, self-doubt, judgement from those around me. And more. And. More. I was seeking, I just always knew…..someone would come. I just didn’t know when.

And its Friday and I look at you and my first thought is “How lucky am I to love this human?” There isn’t an answer that would tell the entire world what is in my heart for you. I have had time to reflect and I was thinking that, for the first time, in a long time, I don’t feel the need for a safe place. I know that with you I am safe, there is no fear of hurt or betrayal, no lies and no one else. I don’t have to wonder where you are when we aren’t together, what you are doing or if there is someone else. I know what it feels like to be loved without condition. You don’t want to control me and allow me the freedom to be exactly who I am without judgement. But most importantly we only expect from each other what we are willing to give. Gosh, I love you ❤ and everything about you. We are imperfectly perfect. You are my steady hand, constant heart and my Walk On the Wild Side. There have been many firsts with you and I look forward to many more.

Steady rhythms of life, growth, love…all of it.

So here is to my 49th year. Life just keeps getting better. I have been through a lot and wouldn’t trade one single moment of any of it for the place I am in now. It’s all been worth it just to get to this point.

So, um, yeah….49 looks good ❤

Peace

Reflections……

Sunday evening….

Sunday evening is my time to reflect on the last few days of life.

I quietly started reflecting on my drive home on Saturday evening. The conversations with the man I have fallen in love with. The dinner party I had just left with a girlfriend I hadn’t seen in more than a year. The proverbial list I had made in my head of what we needed as I headed up the hill towards the market, asking you if we needed anything. Your response bringing a sweet smile across my face. Noticing there is a Target not too far from his home and making the mental note that if I need anything I know where to go. I am learning his surroundings. Just feeling life. The air. The music. Glancing at the clock and thinking 3 more hours until you make your way home. Everything feeling familiar, but yet brand new.

Tonight I am pondering the past, anger and the many thoughts that seem to connect to those emotions. I am not holding on to anything, no what if’s for me. I love my life completely. I just think about people and how they treat others. How vindictive some are, cold and thoughtless and wonder how human beings can treat each other so terribly. I have always walked away from hard situations in my life without a thought of hatred or retaliation, dealing with my emotions in my own way. I do believe that time heals all. Had I not traveled the rough roads I would not be who I am and very possibly not grateful for what I have. I have no room in my heart for hate or anger and I have many reasons I could carry those emotions. Yes, there are people, places and times I let go of. I had to for my own well being. I can’t hate, but I let go and heal.

Reflecting….

We have deep conversations about the stars, life, our families and things we love. It’s hard to remain present sometimes when I am so excited about the future. The holidays, blending our own traditions with new ones that we create. The trips coming up. The bookstore, the cactus garden or dinner at one of the places we love. You make it so easy to love you. Standing in the kitchen in our spots for hours talking about things no one would understand. Words. I hang onto them and yours are so good.

Sunday….

The drive across town this evening, more mental notes. I need to call my Mom, check in, still checking in at my age? So funny. My girl, so proud of the young woman she has become. I run into my two of my girlfriends at the market, quick, excited catch ups. Groceries, laundry and of course words. I need them like air.

Thoughts….

Life is short. Love hard. Treat them as you would want to be treated. Be kind. If you find yourself in a hard situation step outside for a moment and think of the advice you would give your child, family member or friend and apply that to yourself.

Love yourself.

BE KIND ALWAYS!

If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it to someone else!!!

You can let people know how you feel in a kind way and if it doesn’t change WALK AWAY, silently, with your dignity intact.

ABOVE ALL LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU DESERVE

Peace for your Sunday ❤

And I love you

Evening sets in

the day is almost over

the troubles of the day have fallen away

The silence echos in our night

and I love you

The stars and constellations speak to you

and you,

speak to me

The masks we wear, the people we have to be throughout the day

fall away

And we are left vulnerable and present

and I love you

We speak a language, foreign to others

A smile, a nod, a glance and we know

It’s always new, no matter how comfortable we become

The first person I want to share with

good things and bad

tears and laughter

my hopes and fears

Its you…

When it all falls away,

I love you

 

Sunday evening…..

A long drive home, plenty of time to get lost in thought. Cooking for a few days ahead, laundry, the Bird, the Win and the Tunes. The air filters on and off as the scent of the night linger. The neighbors grilling and their children playing, the family on the other side play catch with their dogs. These are the sounds of my night.

A long drive home, the to do list, the chuck it list and the sweet thoughts about the weekend. You took me to the ballet and I fell in love. So beautiful and heartbreaking. Yes, please, again and a again. In our good clothes we end up in a neighborhood bar, watching the game, enjoying our own company and singing now and then. Everyone falls away and its only you and I.

The contrast of our life….sleep ins, but what about those 6 am mornings? Its been a while, but they are so good. Soft rains and sitting outside, I am sure it was around 3 am. And I am sure I wouldn’t want to be your neighbors. This is what middle of life looks like. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Routine and not so much…sgood (yes, sgood).

So Sunday night. Highs and lows. Feeling my feelings, which I am convinced no one could completely, ever understand. The intuition that kicks in, the words people speak that hurt and the actions they show which do the same. I am observant, a lot more than people give me credit for.

The pineapple mango candle that fills the living room was a gift from a strong woman I admire that I don’t see any more, but think of more than she knows. Permanently stiched in the threads of my heart.

And Theresa, my Idaho Theresa, I hold her heart in my hands, always.

Life is short and should be well lived. I don’t hold fast to the past or the people who damaged pages of my story. I don’t “what if”, because quite honestly there isn’t anything worth “what if’ing”. I love my life in the now.

Instead I have been reminded recently of how short life is. How temporary and fleeting. I think of the quote that carries the words “finite and fragile”, life and love relate to those words for me. We should love while we can. We are not promised….anything. There isn’t a too fast or too slow, we do what is right for us. This is more than the half way point, the rest will be the best. If you can’t feel that, can you feel?

So these are just a few pieces of my extravagant life I choose to share. The human, the moments, breathing, sitting in gratitude for what I have and where I have been. For wisdom. For life.

For all of it.

This is my Sunday evening…..

 

Peace for your Sunday evening….and every day ❤

Poker Face

When we watch

and wait

Knowing

the unknowing

So cool

with your poker face

The one

everyone reads

So calm

and sweating on the inside

Wondering how you are going to remember

the web you have weaved

You weave them so well

those stories

you tell

And then they

know

and you wonder why they leave

So cool with that poker face

you know,

the one

that shows the hand

you’re holding

 

In the still moments

In the still moments

in a crowded room

or alone

The echo of

nothingness

Seeking and searching

for what is relevant

and what is not

To listen to the voice

of reason

or insanity

To be gentle

and kind

to yourself

In the still moments

the answers come

the knowing

and sometimes

not

In the still moments we find

what we seek

or don’t

the

answers

are heard

the loudest….

In the still moments

 

No apology needed…..

Some days I struggle with the overwhelming need to apologize….for not being enough. Not smart enough, not good enough and even apologizing too much. I know what part of my life this came from and can even map out every point that led to here. I think that is just being aware of it now. I am grateful that I am able to see and learn from past.

In todays quiet moments, I caught myself questioning my intellect and if I was enough…and then why I was even questioning myself. I have never felt the need to be smarter or better than someone. We are all human. Some have degrees that hang on the wall, others have built empires and some don’t…but in the end we are all human beings and should treat each other with kindness.

So I have taken a few classes and courses. I have a few certificates that I could hang on the wall but they do not make me who I am. They were points of interest and though I came away with more knowledge I started with, it was the people I met along the way that taught me a great deal.

Every time I catch myself questioning my “self” or talking to my “self” in a demeaning way I think about all the good qualities I possess or how someone else would feel if I spoke to them with the same words I so boldly spoke to myself.

I wont apologize for how I live, love or give. This is who I am. No gray areas. So, yes, I will always be too much for some and just the right amount of too much for others.

But for today “in this moment” I am enough for me and that is more than enough ❤

Peace for you Saturday evening……

 

 

 

Couples

One half

Of two wholes

Together

Holding hands

Kissing at midnight

and

On rainy nights

Couples

the kind you look at and know they are in love

She matches his gaze

He holds her hand

everywhere

Their bubble

You know them together

even when they part

On sunny days

in the dead of night

and the crack of dawn

She finds her way perfectly into

the curve of his body

during the night

Their space

and they each

have space

Couples

the kind you look at and know they are in love

Yes, those kind of couples

 

Just the way you are…..

In the last several months my life has changed in ways that were unimaginable. I learned  about uncertainty, fear, deep sadness, periodic depression, friendship and commitment…and I learned how to get up. I am one of those people who has to dive deeply into what life gives me, good or bad, tread in the waters for a time and resurface with a clear perspective on what to do and how I will survive. I have some amazing friends that stood strong and never wavered in their support of me. They were there at the darkest and are still standing next to me in my light.

So here I am, six months out. Same good, strong friendships and new ones blooming. A  new direction, new job and an incredible man in my life which brings me to letting someone love you just the way you are.

Sometimes you don’t realize how damaging friendships and relationships are until you are standing on the opposite side looking back in. People will let you down, judge you and make you second guess who you are. But only if you allow it. I was untrue to myself for many years because I didn’t allow myself to “just be”. I did with my closest circle but beyond that people only saw who I allowed them to see, who I chose for them to see. People can be so judgmental and it can tear us down if we allow it to affect us. I did. The way I dressed, how I spoke, who I spent time with, how I loved myself. I lost the self-esteem and confidence I had worked so hard to build, I lost being comfortable in my own skin. I lost me.

The one thing I didn’t lose is the way I treat people. No matter how poorly someone acts I will never return that behavior to them. I will simply wish them well, close that door and push on. I have always said I will continue to risk my heart in hopes that someday someone will come and stay….

And then….oh….and then

On a humid summer day, at our half way point, we found each other. Its been constant and consistent every since. I am adjusting to this new normal. We showed up, unpacked our proverbial bags and here we are. We mirror each other in many ways, past relationships and marriages. The time lines, the me too’s, the “I can’t believe you like that too”, the creative sides of each of us. Soulfood. The way we show respect towards each other, the way we give, the way we treat others. The Universe has a funny way of giving you what you ask for, and in the end what you deserve. We are so present…We. Are. So. Present. when we are together. Was there a time before now? Past contracts completed to bring us to the present.

My point is we showed up. I never wanted someone to carry my bags, I wanted to unpack them and it be okay. So it began, without question, on that summer day. We showed up and brought a small bag to unpack. Without judgement or hesitation we laid the contents out for the other to explore. Over time we have shared the hurts, let downs, accomplishments and life experiences. Not one red flag. I look at this beautiful human and he fills me up. Our hearts open and receiving. We see each other for who we are. Imperfectly perfect human beings who didn’t give up on people and finding someone good.

So just be who you are and let someone love you, flaws and all. Take the risk, always, always take the risk and one day you will….You will arrive home. You will find, feel and experience peace and what its like to be fully accepted for exactly who you are. We took the risk and…..

Sunlight has entered our broken windows and illuminated life….

 

Peace for your Sunday ❤

And every day…..

 

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